[ooc: I don't know where this came from. It was meant to be part of a journal, but it kind of evolved into this long rant. So, er. There you go. <3]

~&&~

I haven’t seen the phantom in nearly a week.

I never realized how much I would miss his absence. I wasn’t supposed to make him such a big part of my life. I was just curious about him, that day. Just feeling a little lonely, wanted someone who felt like me. Someone to understand, that sometimes it’s better to be alone. And yet, we deer can never truly be alone; because that’s when we wither away and die. And that’s why we needed each other.

No, that’s why I needed him.

I wonder where he is. I wonder if he even thinks of me, if I even made so much as a scratch in his life, the way he dented mine. And I don’t mean that he dented my life, as if it’s broken beyond repair. I mean he bent it back into shape, pulled the pieces back together. Maybe he’s not even aware of that fact, but it’s true.

I wonder if he even enjoyed the time we spent together, the days we wasted together. He was more than just a friend. He was the only deer I trusted, for a long time. So why abandon me, this way? So what if I have slowly begun to inch my way back into normal society; who’s to say that he can’t come with me? Why leave me, so alone?

I’m not alone, I know. Not when I have so many good friends surrounding me. Maybe it’s just old demons coming back to haunt me – that ever-present fear of being abandoned, weighing down on me. Was this his plan, all along? To gain my faith, to be my friend, and then desert me, leave me broken-hearted and alone? Does he understand that the faith I’ve built in other deer, is slowly being lost, with every day he is gone?

Because the best way to feel better, is to look at all the good things in life. <3

Things that don't suck (and are, in fact, wonderful):
+ Spring is almost here!
+ Being creative, having an imagination
+ Giving the perfect gift. xD (Got a gamecube and some games for my boyfriend on his birthday, which he's been wanting for aaaaages. He went insane, he was so happy. |D <333)
+ Getting 100% grades in school
+ Eating junky comfort food, even if you don't feel sad.
+ On that note, Ben and Jerry's icecream: specifically, cake batter flavor.
+ AND CHEESECAKEEEE. <3
+ Awesome music
+ Being able to walk, talk, see, hear, and feel emotions.
+ Being silly
+ Art
+ Finally finding out what love really is.
+ Actually having a future to look forward to, for once.
+ My ring.
+ Salsa dancing
+ Dancing in general; it's fun. :3
+ 90+F weather
+ Skype
+ Autumn leaves
+ Finding out that there are some guys, indeed, who actually aren't completely shallow bastards. Well, at least, I know there's one.
+ Summer
+ Being in a STABLE relationship lols.
+ Being able to draw/write/whatever.
+ Inside jokes that freak other people out.
+ Creating characters you can fall in love with
+ My wonderful boyfriend, Jan. <3
+ My adorable Holland Lop, Eliott; and my Miniature Dachshund, Andy.
+ The endless forest, and its wonderful community!
+ Life in general. <3

I could sit here for ever, but I'll end it there. xD

<3

Today was a mixed bag. I woke up feeling relatively good, though the feelings from yesterday still lingered. I’m almost an adult doe, and it’s hard to get used to so many new emotions. The innocent crush I had on that stag… is different, now. It’s not the same, and it’s hard to even be around him, now. I can’t explain what the difference is, I don’t like to think about it. I feel stupid for feeling this way about someone so much older. I’m just a silly little fawn, maybe I’ll grow out of this phase, soon. I know there are probably lots of other deer who roll their eyes at me, I’m sure there are plenty of you who would like to tell me, “You’re just a fawn – you don’t know what love is, yet. You haven’t met many deer, yet. Your feelings will change, soon.” Maybe you’re right. But... Well, I do try to be modest, for the most part. Deer who are full of themselves are quite repulsive, if you ask me. Yet… If you’ll excuse such a bold statement, I am well aware that I am unusually mature for my age. My childhood has been anything but innocent, and I am already nearly grown. I am more intelligent than many deer would like to think.

Now, there are many deer in the forest who struggle with less-than-perfect fawnhoods. Many were orphaned, like me. Others were teased relentlessly by older deer; some ignored, some traumatized by various events. We deer are unique individuals, and we respond to these things differently. Some deer make up for lost time by turning themselves into eternal fawns – running around and playing tricks on other deer, acting like children in adult bodies. Other deer take a separate road; they become quiet, withdrawn, serious. And the remaining deer, myself included, take a mixture of both roads. But that mature, silent part of me is the majority of my being. I am much wiser than you might think; I know how things work.

; r e a d - m o r e } for lemon's biography.

January 12, 2009

The past few days have been relatively good. I spent a lot of time hanging out with Seth – though I won’t get into detail about that. I mean, er… well, you know, I wouldn’t want to bore you with … um, never mind. I’ll let the images speak for themselves, for now.







The thing that saddens me, is that I haven’t seen the phantom in quite a while. Not since I tried to introduce him to Seth, that is. I wonder why he hasn’t been around. Has Seth something to do with it? Is he... jealous? Frightened? Relieved that I finally found someone else to cling to? Whatever it is, I hope he gets over it, soon. I miss him.

I’ve come to view the phantom as a father, of sorts. He’s always there to protect me, watching over me, making sure I’m alright. Well, almost always. He shows me around the forest, taking me to the most secluded and beautiful spots. We have fun at times; but he knows when to be serious, as well. I love it during those rare moments when he breaks out of his usual shell, to pull off some silly antic. The other day, he air-sat near the playground, on top of one of the stone pillars. It was incredible seeing someone usually so reserved, break loose.

Every once in a while, I hear this gunshot noise in the forest. o____o I've heard it a few times, now, and I don't have any music or anything else open, so I know it's from the forest. Has anyone else heard it? No one seems to react when the noise occurs.

So I had TEF open for a while, while surfing the forums. All of the sudden, I hear hooves. So I tab back to TEF, and sure enough, Lemon is running around. Without me. 8| So I just watch her for a minute, see where she goes, and she ends up running to the edge of the pond and laying down. xD It was the strangest thing.

She hasn't been responding to half the things I tell her to do, which I assumed was because I've been glitching more often then usual, lately. But now I'm wondering if she hasn't taken on a life of her own.

Does this happen often, deer getting up and running around on their own? xDDD

When I woke up, I was greeted by two rather no-gooder fawns, who evidently found it entertaining to see a little blind fawn cower in fear, because she has no idea if their taunts and teases are serious, or in good fun. Given my experience, I take all threats seriously -- and when someone lowers their antlers at me, I take offense. Thus, when these two fawns continued to lower their antlers, tease, and rear at me, I began to feel quite fearful. Where was the phantom when I needed him? I stayed where I was for a while, hoping the fawns would grow bored of their cruel games, and run off. They did, and I split.

Eventually, I found the phantom. We collided into each other by accident -- he running full speed toward me, and I running full speed toward him. It was a rather curious and silly moment. We ran about in our usual way, taking rests often.



At one point, he took me to the stream, where we drank. Then I spotted Quamar, sleeping on the bridge. I ran over to say hello, but he didn't stir. That's when I saw Seth! I was so excited to see him, I galloped over and gave him a heartfelt nuzzle, letting him know how happy I was to see him. The phantom hung back, watching as we kicked up our heels in glee. If there's one deer who can always brighten my day, it's Seth.

After a while, I tried to introduce Seth to the phantom. The phantom, however, would hear nothing of the matter, and refused to come near Seth. Discouraged and saddened that my two favorite stags would have nothing to do with each other, I resorted to bouncing back and forth between one and the other. I'd stick by Seth, playing and laughing, and then run off to accompany the phantom in his silent, watchful ways. It went on like this for a while -- Seth and I tried to get him to come closer, and join us. He never did.

Yesterday wasn't such a good day. In fact, it was terrible. I was feeling really lonely and sad, and I wasn't really in the mood for any company, whatsoever. Well, that isn't entirely true. There are a few deer whose company I will always enjoy, no matter what the occasion. However, though I try my best to be polite, sometimes I just don't want to make new friends. For one fawn in particular, this was especially bad news.

I don't know why he took such a liking to me; I'm not all that interesting. I'm antisocial and mildly bipolar; I'm emotionally clingy, and terribly scared of strangers. Most of the deer that might be interested in befriending me, are turned off by my elusive and cold ways; while the remaining deer are frightened away by my adopted bodyguard. Honestly, I'm not a very appealing deer. Evidently, this guy thought otherwise -- and in retrospect, I can't say that I mind.

Yesterday, I was feeling especially forlorn over my orphaned situation. I don't know why, it just sort of crept up on me. I felt so alone in the world, so unwanted. I guess everyone goes through a phase like that, at some point in time. But yesterday, I just... I don't know. I felt terrible.

I spent the majority of the day with the phantom. He understands my desire for solitude, for the most part. While I know it probably isn't a good idea to feed my insecurity, I frankly don't care. I would rather be alone with him, then have to face the world -- no matter if that makes me an unfriendly old hobbit, in the long run.

My grandma had a stroke. No news on if she's going to make it... God, I don't even know anything about strokes...

I'm not usually one to bring real life problems to the internet, but this is mostly just a warning. If Lemon seems a little more antisocial than usual, that's why. Sorry, guys.

Also, Vala, what is it that you keep trying to tell Lemon, with the sad nod? o: I don't quite understand.

Finally, a few deer saw me changing into a different fawn with another picto. In case anyone was wondering, that's Nollie -- my nice fawn. xD I decided that since Lemon's such a scaredy-cat, and isn't really all too friendly around strangers, I'd have another fawn for being friendly and all that. <3 I'm not uploading her bio or anything until she's an adult, however. ;3 So she'll just remain a mystery, for now.

- LT

EDIT: Phew. Thanks for all of the support, guys. Yet another reason why I love the tef community; the players here are so sweet. <3 My dad just got home, it's been about 5 hours since I've heard anything but she's doing okay. They're keeping her for a few days, running tests and helping her recover, but she should be fine.

Thanks again, guys. <333