7 October, 2017[=georgia][=#70564a]
TW -- infant death.
I lost him.
I lost him.
No. It can't happen like this.
No, no, no...
The light in my womb has gone out. There is no more warmth. There is only cold silence. No heartbeat. The baby boy that had been growing there has been still for three days.
Three days.
I'm in a panic, my mind is racing. What did I do wrong? Did I eat the wrong thing? Was I not careful enough? Did I not love him enough? Have the gods punished me for allowing this child to be conceived in the first place? Please, gods, answer me! Tell me what I did wrong! Face me and tell me what I did to deserve this!
I... can't...
How will I tell Walter? How will I tell Nishi?
Oh my god. I've failed the one thing in the world I wanted most of all. I've failed you, little one. I don't know how, but I have. I had such dreams of you and I. I had hopes of seeing you in this world, showing you the beauty of it all. I had wanted to hear your voice, feel the warm press of your skin, knowing that you would be mine.
And now that will never happen.
I'm leaving for the human world. I can't deal with this here. I need doctors, I need to hear the cold truth of it out loud. I need to lay in my bed and wrap my arms around myself and cry. I need to leave this place where everything reminds me of him and of what will not be.
I should have known it would end like this. I should have known I was never destined for motherhood. I should have known.
Goodbye, little one. Before I even knew you, I loved you. I will always love you.
7 September, 2017[=georgia][=#70564a]
Where have the days gone? I'm already in my second trimester, growing rounder by the day. It's hard to believe there's only one baby in there, but I'm absolutely positive that that's the case.
Walter has been sleeping a lot, lately. I miss him. When he is around, he brings me poppies. Almost every day so far. Every moment he's been able to bring them, he has. This means something to him. I mean something to him. I can feel it, he proves it to me. We've had a rocky past, but here and now, things are good. I wish I could prove to everyone that he has been working to turn himself around, but it feels like an impossible task.
I don't know if he regrets all of the things he's done, I won't speak for him about that. But I know he regrets the place those actions have brought him. I know he understands that he can't go on being the villain. He isn't built for it. He learned that a long time ago, when his system of support started to fall away. When his friends began to disappear, long before I came back and found him in his sorry state. That's about when he started to unravel, I think. Making threats, exploding in anger.
He has been suffering for a very long time. Some say it's all a demon deserves. I say perpetual punishment is cruel. It's difficult to forgive, but not impossible.
It's difficult to change, but not impossible.
But I can't change anyone's mind. It's been made very clear to me. I've begun to settle into the mindset that my endeavors have been in vain. Maybe it will always be this way, until the end of his wretched days. I hope not, but... I don't know, anymore. My idealistic view of others is beginning to dim. I see petty hatred and selfish disregard.
15 September, 2017[=georgia][=#70564a]
I met her. Dark lips, red as blood. Dark skin, almost black, but shining blue. Her long curls fell over her shoulders in a tangle, framing her pale face, dotted by the gilded rose which covered her eyes. A long, sharp horn cut through the rose, rising out from the mysterious flower, pulsing red. She had legs, lots of them. And arms, too. She was beautiful. Magnificent.
I waited, keeping my distance, until she motioned for me to sit beside her. And then I sat, dwarfed by her enormous, elegant figure.
Curiously, her pointed fangs glinting through her blood-red smile, she reached out one of her hands and touched me, and I shivered. My rough coat twitched, and I turned my head to regard her with equal curiosity. "What are you doing?" I asked blankly. A shrug, a tiny roll of one of her many shoulders, a nearly imperceptible motion which said so much.
A flutter of courage rolled through me, and I asked her why she had so many limbs. No one I'd seen so far had more or less than four. She was a strange complication to what had otherwise seemed a very simple rule of physical form. Again, a grin and a roll of her shoulder. I would receive no more answers than that from her.
---
Today I woke to the sound of a scuffle, something which immediately sparked my interest. I moved toward the source of the sound, recognizing a small creature battling something large and ominous, with a void-like face. Intrigued, I moved closer, and was almost immediately noticed. The mismatched duo paused in their shenanigans to sniff me over and nod approvingly.
