[ooc: I don't know where this came from. It was meant to be part of a journal, but it kind of evolved into this long rant. So, er. There you go. <3]

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I haven’t seen the phantom in nearly a week.

I never realized how much I would miss his absence. I wasn’t supposed to make him such a big part of my life. I was just curious about him, that day. Just feeling a little lonely, wanted someone who felt like me. Someone to understand, that sometimes it’s better to be alone. And yet, we deer can never truly be alone; because that’s when we wither away and die. And that’s why we needed each other.

No, that’s why I needed him.

I wonder where he is. I wonder if he even thinks of me, if I even made so much as a scratch in his life, the way he dented mine. And I don’t mean that he dented my life, as if it’s broken beyond repair. I mean he bent it back into shape, pulled the pieces back together. Maybe he’s not even aware of that fact, but it’s true.

I wonder if he even enjoyed the time we spent together, the days we wasted together. He was more than just a friend. He was the only deer I trusted, for a long time. So why abandon me, this way? So what if I have slowly begun to inch my way back into normal society; who’s to say that he can’t come with me? Why leave me, so alone?

I’m not alone, I know. Not when I have so many good friends surrounding me. Maybe it’s just old demons coming back to haunt me – that ever-present fear of being abandoned, weighing down on me. Was this his plan, all along? To gain my faith, to be my friend, and then desert me, leave me broken-hearted and alone? Does he understand that the faith I’ve built in other deer, is slowly being lost, with every day he is gone?

Maybe I shouldn’t have taken to him, like that. Maybe if I would have just let him have his space, I would be just fine. But no, then I would still be a neurotic mess – then, I wouldn’t have had the courage to step out into the world and make new friends. He never really took to me; merely tolerated my presence. So why did I have to become so damned attached to him?

I guess, when it all comes down to it, I didn’t choose him. He was the one who followed me around, at first. He was the one who would watch me for hours; laying a safe distance away, keeping his eyes glued to me. He was the one, not me.

Slowly, I am beginning to feel that my love is toxic. That anyone who I grow fond of, will eventually fade away. Just like my parents, just like him. The past few days, I have been running around like a maniac, two steps from nirvana, because … Seth … and… trying to keep my mind off of the fact that the phantom is … and now I don’t…

And to think, it’s only been a week. I think I just miss him now, because of all these new emotions bubbling up from beneath the surface – changing my mind, making me feel… strange. And all of the aggressive deer in the forest, makes me miss his protection. It was good to have someone I could count on…

I guess that’s all. I’m sorry for the highly emotional rant, and I know he probably will never see this, but… I wanted to make it clear.

I miss you, phantom.