Bombs have been dropped
On the ones I love dearest
My depression and anger
Blew away my closest friends
Seeing the aftermath of the fallout
Hoping I could take it all away
Endlessly regretting the devastation I cause
Longing for forgiveness I seek and
Living in deep shame for my actions




Inspired by "What Are We Fighting For?" by Live

I promised I never would vent on here again, but I've been in a downward spiral since Christmas. I need help and I don't know where else to turn.

I'm sorry that I haven't been writing as much as I used to. After doing the "Holly on the Old Oak" stories, I just have lost my muse. It's irritating me because I want to write but don't know what to write. I'm sorry guys.

My aunt has been in town for vacation but she hasn't really gotten to enjoy it because my uncle and cousin have been calling her non-stop, even at night. My cousin has become a drama queen, I mean anything and everything has to revolve around him now. I know he lost his brother (my cousin Mason who passed away in august) but we've all handled it differently. He has completely shut down, staying in his room every day, being angry at everyone, not going to school or doing anything. My aunt literally feels like she has no children now because we lost Mason and my cousin has become such a lost cause. This is tearing all of us up because we need help but my cousin has been getting all the attention. Mom calls my aunt every morning because she believes that if she doesn't answer that my cousin has killed her. It's that kind of thing.

Mom has been crying a lot more. We were forced into going to my grandparent's church and the choir music got to Mom. Also a lot of stuff going on with my brother, who has proposed to his fiancee but they haven't talked enough about the wedding, where they're going to live, ect ect ect. They instead spend all their time playing WoW. So the other day my sister-in-law had been talking to my brother's fiancee and she told my mom that my brother would be living in Indiana with her. Well, this whole time we've been planning on him living down here in Alabama. Mom has been looking for houses for them. Well Mom cried over that because she thought my brother was trying to deceive her.

Stolen from KingEnvy who stole it from GingerNut who stole it from Mick who stole it from....

# Grab the book nearest to you, turn to page 18, and find line 4.
Situations are unpredictable and so is everything else. (The Places That Scare You by Pema Chodron)

# Stretch your left arm out as far as you can, What can you touch?
My Ipod and an empty bowl

# Before you started this survey, what were you doing?
Watching Maury Povich

# What is the last thing you watched on TV?
...I'm currently watching Maury Povich?

# Without looking, guess what time it is
9:45

# Now look at the clock. What is the actual time?
9:42

# With the exception of the computer, what can you hear?
Maury and cars speeding outside

# When did you last step outside? What were you doing?
This morning, taking the dogs out

# Did you dream last night?
No

# Do you remember your dreams?
Sometimes

# When did you last laugh?
Last night

# Do you remember why / at what?
Some Yu-Gi-Oh yaoi picture that was being shown off in a chatroom.

# What is on the walls of the room you are in?
An artwork of a fawn, paintings of snowy landscapes, a Buddha head, a Sicilian flag, and other stuff.

# Seen anything weird lately?
A lot of weird stuff on treehugger.com

# What do you think of this quiz?
*nodnodnod*

# What is the last film you saw?
None I guess, since you ask "What is the last movie you saw?" so a film and a movie aren't the same thing apparently.

# If you could live anywhere in the world, where would you live?
Italy.

For Michael and Auriea


While walking down the street, I saw that my neighbors were having a yard sale. I looked at the individual items and found a little wooden box with VANITAS written on it. Opening the box, I found two twigs and an acorn sitting within. "Oh that box is very special.", my neighbor said, "It has the power to inspire and create."

"Interesting...", I said, and then asked, "How much are you asking for it?"

"For you, only $1.99.", she replied. I had two dollars in my wallet...exactly two dollars, and I gave it to her. "Don't worry about the change.", I said, and taking the wooden box, I walked on the sidewalk to my house.

I went in, greeted my dogs, and let them outside. Holding the box, I opened it again, but was surprised that the twigs and acorn were gone...well, replaced, by a bird's skull, key, and a ladybug. The ladybug flew out of the box happily. I was surprised to see it, actually, since ladybugs are not common where I live. Then I picked up the skull and studied it. I had no idea what kind of bird it was from. Lastly, I took the key out, inspecting it as well - it was worn, silver, and had a "V" engraved in it.

"I wonder...", I thought to myself. Letting the dogs back in, I pulled down the step ladder to my attic and climbed up, pulling down an old lock box that I had found a long time ago. I sat the box on a table and tried the key. It fit, and turning the key, the box unlocked. I had been waiting a long time to open this box, and as I did, I found bones inside. I had no idea what the box was there for, what it's purpose was, but instinctively, I took the bird skull and placed it inside, closing it.

I returned to the little wooden VANITAS box, only to find it was closed too. Sliding it open, I found two strange-looking eggs as well as another twig like before. I considered the twig being there, and then decided that the eggs may need to be put into a nest.

....actually today (thursday) is my birthday.

Not sure what'll happen though. My brother has work and Mom plans to do some things but she and I might do something. I think I have an errand or two to run. We had lunch yesterday at T.G.I.Fridays as a pre-birthday thing, and tomorrow my brother is going to treat me to a movie.

Anyway, I feel old today. -_-'' And I have this song stuck in my head:




-------------------------------------------


Update:

Mom and I left the house earlier and got a few things done. We stopped at Starbucks for coffee and then went to Old Navy. She got me some jeans for my birthday, and afterward we went by Sam's Club and got a few things.

When my brother came home for his lunch break, he gave me his present: a World of Warcraft t-shirt of one of my favorite races in the game, and also Metroid: Other M for the Wii.

My aunt and grandparents should be here in about 20 minutes, and after that Mom is going to leave and do a few things of her own, so I may try out Metroid (even though I have a long list of games I need to finish).

Thanks for all the birthday wishes, everyone!

I got your Secret Santa gift today!! I hope you don't mind me posting pictures up!

Thank you for the drawings! These are wonderful, I'm almost literally drooling over them!





And the bonus one on the back XD



And the coins, candy, and deer figurine are great! I love collecting coins and things from other countries so these will go great with my collection!



Thank you again, Quammy! This is a great gift!

Here's just a short list of some of the things I got. Everything in bold is pictured below the list.

A little thompson's gazelle plushie
A huge stegosaurus plushie
An Ipod Touch
Some "Whiskey Rocks" (you put them in liquor to substitute for ice)
Some tea
A tea pot you put a tea bag in and pour hot water in
A few t-shirts and other clothes
A zen meditation stone with an engraved labyrinth
Some candy, including pocky and chocolate 'coal'
A gag gift
A pair of fingerless gloves
A green metal deer thing
A handmade Quad wooden figure

DVDs-
Hercules
The Flight of Dragons
We're Back: A Dinosaur's Story
Lady in the Water

CDs-
Korpiklaani - Voice of Wilderness
Korpiklaani - Spirit of the Forest
Sirenia - The Thirteenth Floor

Games-
Spore
Fable III


Pics:


The gazelle and stegosaurus plushies.


My haul of CDs, DVDs, and games.


This really neat single-serve teapot. You put the tea in the strainer at the top and then pour hot water in to make the tea.


A Zen Labyrinth stone Mom got for me. You run your finger in the labyrinth for meditation.


The wooden Quad figure my brother made for me.

And now for the gag gift...in the stockings Mom and Matt pulled out canned meat. Mom got tuna and Matt got spam. Well when I pulled mine out, I had this:



I started laughing and then Matt told me you open it from the bottom. And guess what was inside!



Unicorn meat, anyone?

(This will be an ongoing 'finale' starring Blixt and Dond. For more info on their rivalry, please read Hooves of Lightning as well as Masked Beauty.)

His first steps into the Forest, he caught the whiff in the air. He could smell it in the breeze, he could smell him! As quickly as this happened, a doe was walking by him. "You there!", Dond called to the doe, who stopped and tilted her head at him, "Do you know a deer named Blixt?" "I've heard of him.", the doe replied.

"As I thought...", Dond thought. Blixt was alive. Without a reply, he continued on, smelling the air once again for his rival's scent.

-------------------------

Quad took a long, deep sip of the pond water. As he raised his head, he saw his brother standing there. "Hello, Blixt!", he said, bending down to take another sip of the drink. "Hello, brother.", the green stag replied, taking a drink of the water himself. The two sat up and looked to one another. Quad tilted his head for a moment, "Where did your mask go?", he asked. Blixt shook his head, "I don't need it anymore, I don't need to hide who I am. I gave it away to a stranger."

"Come, I need to discuss some things with you.", Blixt continued. "Sure, sure.", Quad replied, and the two walked off toward the Ruins.

---------------------------

Dond followed the scent to the Pond. He stopped there, taking a deep breath. Blixt was here, not too long ago. He just missed his foe. There was nobody else around, so Dond spoke to himself, "What if he has trained this whole time? What if he has surpassed me in strength and will?

The quiet and darkness of the night has kept me restless. I'm not sure why I am unable to sleep tonight, if it's the constant music that is playing in my head (particularly Dragonforce's "Once in a Lifetime") or just restless thoughts, but I decided to get up and turn my laptop on to try to wear myself out.

After reading a couple of blogs on here and checking Facebook, I decided to open up Sportsman's Paradise and see if any deer were on the webcams. I opened 9 different webcams in their own tabs and panned through, only seeing a porcupine on one of them at the moment.

But then, sure enough, a doe was feeding on one of the Minnesota cams. She started to walk to the right and I thought that was the last I'd see of her, but then she popped up on this cam. There was another doe that was timid and didn't want to eat - I watched her move across three cams, realizing that they were all side by side by side! From left to right: left, center, right.

And then the two does vanished into the darkness.

Those few minutes that they appeared on my screen made getting on the computer worth it.

...And now I'm gonna try to get back to bed.