It all began when I was first introduced to him. He didn't have a name, I didn't even know what he should look like. But he gave me a smile and said, "Whatever you'd like, I'd be happy with."

I always called myself "QuadRaptor". It came from an old shooter game where a power-up was called the "Quad Damage", and my favorite dinosaur at the time was the velociraptor, so the two were combined. I've never had a more suitable nickname, so I called him "Quad" as well. If it really had a hidden meaning, I will never know.

I wanted him to wear the real deer mask and the gazelle antlers so he'd look more like a goat, which at the time was my favorite animal. He found the beluga pelt, and I fell in love with the look, and he agreed. I always thought it made him look like he was smiling with big, puffy white cheeks.

He first started out as a mischief maker, he loved smelling other deer's butts and getting them to react. But then we compromised that it was getting old and we'd rather do something else. Then he decided to be more silly, dancing and laughing every day, hanging out with anyone he could find. Before I got rooted too deeply into the community...

I came up with a story for him, and soon after I invented a species of winged deer called "Talux". Quad was the "Grand Talux", and had four wings to match his name. He was a healer and a fighter for all that was good. He battled an infectious stoat who a friend of mine helped me name "Iugulare", and often he would be defeated by her, only to find the courage and strength to keep fighting and ultimately overcome his adversary.

Quad met a young doe named Mazey, and the two fell in love. Soon he had a daughter named Zephyr who looked just like him (aside from a different set of antlers) and a brother named Axie, and they were part of the story.

But since then, since Mazey had gone away, Quad had wandered the Forest, seeing his friends mating and playing with one another, seeing love in their eyes much like the love he had for Mazey. He longed for another like her, but never thought he'd find anyone who would care for such a silly stag. He stopped dancing and playing as often, many times sitting alone by a tree or sleeping in a patch of violet flowers.

This was often the way I was, too. Sitting alone, just being a spectator to all that was around me.

Times had changed since the days Quad was young. Many of his friends and acquaintances left the Forest, and alternatively new faces appeared and filled in the gaps. The Forest was much like the world around us - always changing, sometimes for the better, other times for the worse.

I understand now that Quad really is a part of me, and not just pixels in a virtual forest. When I am happy, he is laughing. When I am depressed, he sits alone. There were days that I told him how much I loved him and how beautiful he was to me. There were days I didn't want to see him, even if he still smiled at me as lovingly as ever. There were some days I said I hated him, words I never really meant but I couldn't think clear enough. He would still be there for me, even if I pushed him away. I understand that he is very understanding and also very forgiving.

He is very much like me, too. He is dependable, genuine, open-minded. He represents my strengths and virtues (and maybe Iugulare represents my weaknesses and vices).

I understand that no matter what life throws at me, no matter what evils I say toward Quad, he's always going to be protecting me. I just need to find my light, and Quad is the one to do that.



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On the days that I lose my light, I have these links to refer to :

Break Free
Burden
The Things I've Learned
"Hush"
A Light
On Self Worth
When It Hurts...
"Point Where It Hurts"
For Quad: Touch
Bombshell (for the story Vandettta posted in the comments)
Words of Encouragement
Like a Shot in the Heart
"Just Remember..."

Meltdowns :

Sorry
Died of a Broken Heart
I promised...
I won't let it happen again
Wasting Away


And something for this community, for all the support you have given me through this difficult process.


If I missed anything important, let me know and I'll add it here.