January 5, 2011 - 6:40am — quadraptor
I promised I never would vent on here again, but I've been in a downward spiral since Christmas. I need help and I don't know where else to turn.
I'm sorry that I haven't been writing as much as I used to. After doing the "Holly on the Old Oak" stories, I just have lost my muse. It's irritating me because I want to write but don't know what to write. I'm sorry guys.
My aunt has been in town for vacation but she hasn't really gotten to enjoy it because my uncle and cousin have been calling her non-stop, even at night. My cousin has become a drama queen, I mean anything and everything has to revolve around him now. I know he lost his brother (my cousin Mason who passed away in august) but we've all handled it differently. He has completely shut down, staying in his room every day, being angry at everyone, not going to school or doing anything. My aunt literally feels like she has no children now because we lost Mason and my cousin has become such a lost cause. This is tearing all of us up because we need help but my cousin has been getting all the attention. Mom calls my aunt every morning because she believes that if she doesn't answer that my cousin has killed her. It's that kind of thing.
Mom has been crying a lot more. We were forced into going to my grandparent's church and the choir music got to Mom. Also a lot of stuff going on with my brother, who has proposed to his fiancee but they haven't talked enough about the wedding, where they're going to live, ect ect ect. They instead spend all their time playing WoW. So the other day my sister-in-law had been talking to my brother's fiancee and she told my mom that my brother would be living in Indiana with her. Well, this whole time we've been planning on him living down here in Alabama. Mom has been looking for houses for them. Well Mom cried over that because she thought my brother was trying to deceive her. It all has to do with the fiancee's mother, who is being controlling and possessive over her and is trying to 'convince' my brother to live up there so he can live off of her parents and babysit them. It's really complicated but anyway that's all been going on.
And then lastly, me. I've been trying to stay strong. I really have. But I've been losing interest in TEF. Whenever I put Quad in, I just feel so sad, I mean...
I feel like I can't hang out with anyone anymore. The friends I usually hang out with are doing their own RP now and I feel like I cannot participate with them because they only want to play those characters. I feel left out. And then I'm afraid to approach anyone in the Forest anymore because of mates, herds, and so on. Quad's been driven away from groups before, especially from my friends. So I don't know what to do anymore.
He doesn't make me happy anymore. I feel so stupid that I have lost interest in him, or otherwise, I feel like I've been pushed away from the community. That's why Quad sometimes sits alone, it's because I've felt really lonely and unwanted.
I've been doing some Buddhist practices that have helped, but even with that I feel like I'm just adding something else that is making me more weird and different. I have to keep it a secret from my grandparents since they're devout christians and would go apesh*t if they found out and tell me I'm worshiping a false god or some crap (Buddhists don't worship the Buddha, they honor him as a teacher. That's how I look at it too.).
I don't know how to help myself anymore. My aunt has said she's worried about me especially because I've been having to deal with a lot of crap lately, and I've always told myself that I'd never go insane but I feel like I slowly am. I hate not being able to rest or relax. I hate being trapped in this house with all these things that have to be done. I hate that I cannot have fun anymore.
I'm sorry to Quad...that I cannot love him anymore.
Quad.. have you thought of
I hope you don't take this wrong, because I'm not trying to tell you what to do. I just see you so sad, and I can't help.
I can't afford to talk to
It's that but I'm afraid of what they would say to me, I'm afraid of wasting their time or being pitied.
I have such low self-esteem because I always hear people tell other people to "Be a man." and so on. Well I don't feel like a man because I play this game, that I care about animals and the environment, that I enjoy looking at flowers and writing stories.
I feel like the biggest waste of a life because of this sometimes.
You waist no ones time when
Augh Quad ;; I'm sorry. I
Hang in there. Things can't stay bad forever, no matter how much we may think they will ♥
I'm sorry... I feel like I've
Please, whatever you decide to do, remember that you mean more to people than you know. You're an amazing person, Quad. You inspire me a lot. I'm sure there are numerous others in this community that feel the same way. Please remember that. ♥
Signature by Roo ♥
I'm sorry guys. For
I came very close to deleting this blog but I guess it needs to be known why I have been so sad lately. If anyone wants me to delete it since I'm causing more drama, just tell me and I will.
I also wanted to thank those who just sat with Quad in the Forest. It made me feel loved.
First and foremost, I
As to what you've posted:
If you do nothing else Quad, I want you to do this. Walk outside, breathe in the air, and listen. Whether you hear birdsong or simply wind, think for a moment how amazing it is that the world you inhabit is also inhabited by so many other things, each unique and each absolutely remarkable.
This is a small, tiny little thing, and it can't help you with everything you're dealing with...but it can't hurt either. Remember that you are a part of something much larger than yourself, but that the size of the whole does not take away from the importance of each individual piece. A watch could not work without the cooperation of the myriad of tiny gears inside it.
Your family has troubles. You know this, and you deal with it how you can, but I think it's time for you to accept something Quad. You cannot change your family, you cannot fix what is wrong by simply continuing to be so strong for them. They need help, you need help. You cannot deal with this on your own. Maybe you cannot afford professional help, but there are numerous other places to seek it. Your family is religious? Speak to the person that runs your church, they might have some outside advice that can help you. I implore you that you speak with someone outside of your family that can help you. The situation you're in is scary, but at the moment, you are still inside that situation, and without the help from someone who is not, I don't think that you can continue the way you are.
Marriage is another scary thing. People change when they get married, they have to. When two people get married, there are going to be compromises made, and no one is going to be fully satisfied. As the family of one of the marrying parties however, you cannot try to change what is going to happen. They are adults, and they will work together in partnership to determine what is best for both of them. If that means that they sacrifice a few things along the way, so be it. Remind your family that it is their happiness that comes first, not the family's.
Your Mom is feeling many of the same feelings that you are. Her family seems to be falling apart, and she is trying to stay strong for everyone all at once. I know you want to help her too, but two people cannot support each other unless each is firmly planted. You first need to find your bearings before you can truly help her. While you are working on yourself, if she needs you, she will come to you, and you can use the strength you know you have in your heart to help her out, but you cannot both live in a constant cycle of emotional turmoil. It isn't healthy for either of you, and could end up with both of you being over-dependent on each other for emotional comfort. It is a hard thing to combat, since as humans we love nothing more than to be loved, but sometimes you need to be the one to take the step back and break the cycle.
If you are losing interest in TEF and Quad, then don't feel tied to this place because of others. Everyone on here would understand if you told them you needed to take a break from here to get your life in order. If you've become so attached to this place that you feel guilty about not visiting, then it is for the better that you do take a break. When the level of attachment is that high, it's practically a relationship with this relationship, and you must deal with it as such. Don't let this place poison you with guilt and fear of rejection Quad, that will only make you feel worse, and will lead to further depression.
Again, I'm very sorry if any of this comes out as harsh Quad, I don't want to be mean to you, but I want you to face reality and come to the realization that, even though you want to do everything, it just isn't in your capability right now. You need to understand that, while you can be a super man, you don't have to be Superman--the world is content with you as Quad, you don't have to gain superpowers for us to be proud of you.
Just take care of yourself first Quad. Don't worry about your family, don't worry about your friends, don't worry about this place. Figure out where you can stand comfortably grounded, and then you can begin your work in other places.
<3
I'm sorry I had to leave so
I hope you feel better soon. You deserve to be happy. You're a kind and genuine person, and there are far too few of them left in this world.
Quad, I don't mean to sound
I've been dealing with the same monster Skits has, and I think this blog has given me the determination to face it.
Thank you.
Awr, Quad. You and I haven't
Like Trig said, though, you aren't tied to TEF or the community, and if you need a break, take one, dadgumit! Goodness knows I have. You will always be welcomed back by at least one set of open arms (though I suspect a great many more).
On the days you do feel like getting into the Forest, consider yourself invited to hang around my deer if they're up and about.
You are a man. Any guy can go out and be big and tough and eat raw steak or whatever "real men" supposedly do, but to throw yourself out there, to think, to create, to be sensitive - damn, that takes balls.
There is a wonderful person behind your keyboard. Never let anyone tell you otherwise.
^this.
Aww, Quad... Life has really
*nuzzlenuzzle*
Hi there (sends hug) 1: If
1: If ever I'm in the forest I will always say Hi. If you would like some company and i'm round just mooo and I will come over. I know what you mean about herds and RP.
2: Budd's teaching are a good for of ... It's hard to discribe... um they help. Meditation and inner wisdom often help you see things in a more um shall we say open view. I belive in practices from many religions and my family are ok. eg, 10 commandmants, 3 fold lore. So dont feel ashamed.
3, Def get out the house. Even for a 15min trott around the block everyday. Walking helps relax and clear the mind. Offer to clean neigbours cars or get shopping to get out and stay constructive. You have a good solid brain dont let it go to mush.
I wish I could help with your family but I have no experience so all i can offer is a ear to listen and some arms to send hugs.
Sorry that I keep butting my
Buddhism can come to great use with what's happening in your life now, in terms of meditation, introspection, etc. To just have time reserved to sit in silence and center yourself before dealing with life's madness, or some time set aside to think on what's happening in a stream-of-consciousness way, without judgment or a great emotional investment in the thoughts, can really help you deal with it, and as a result help others deal with it. If you have the time and the means, meditation will help you immensely, with both family and personal issues you have. If you're like me and can't sit still very long or your mind wanders too much, walking meditation is best. Get up and take a walk anywhere that's fairly quiet, just thinking. You'll find yourself doing this for hours if you have the ability. It's a great help and the movement is far more calming to some than having to sit still for so long and try to focus. I hope that something brings you peace though, whatever it may be, and that you can work through your own problems and come out the other side better. And I hope the best for your family. Keep us updated, no one is bothered by these posts.
TEF related, if Sionnach is ever in the forest at the same time as Quad, find him. I feel a bit of an outcast in this community myself and could use a friend, even just to sit and do nothing with. Everyone is welcome around him. We just don't have the knack with getting to know people! x)