That's a really bright and uplifting picture as well as poem. ♥






I wish there wasn't so much in this world for our wings to tangle in.

(I don't know if you can even make out what this is, lol. Obscure shapes woo!)

Bumping this because I have some deep thoughts...

It seems like we are never truly free in life.

I barely remember being an infant/toddler. I only have a few distant memories. But when I first started understanding things was when I was going to elementary school.

I was in elementary school and dreamed of being free, only to go to high school.
I was in high school and dreamed of being free, only to go to college.
I am in my last moments of college and I dream every instant of being free...
But is it an impossible dream? When I am finally done with college, will I be able to live my dreams? Or will the next part of my life be just as stressful as the past 19 years?

It's like removing one ball-and-chain only to be given a bigger one to drag around.

The views I've had on life lately is that we have to pay to be alive. We have to spend money to eat and drink, both necessities. We have to spend money to call somewhere a home, as being 'homeless' is looked down upon. We have to spend money to be able to do something with our lives. We have to spend money to do anything or to have anything that will bring us temporary happiness.

Tell me something, anything, that is free in life.
Tell me something, anything, that offers permanent or long-lasting happiness.
Tell me something, anything, that is a good reason for going through this unending labor.

Tell me something, anything at all, that makes life worthwhile.*

* And please don't worry that I wrote this, it's not what you may think. I plan to continue living, I just don't get why it's so stressful.

Hmm.. What do you mean? How are you not free? What is it that you're longing for?
We don't have to pay to live, but we do have to pay to be part of society. Society is built around cooperation and exchange of services. Everyone does something to contribute, and they are given tokens for it. They in turn use those tokens to support the existance of another person / institution / company.
So you work - you do something that someone else needs you to do for their own well being, be it constructing a house, or acting out a musical. In turn you spend your money on the things that you need, supporting those who did that work for you. It's sharing and caring, in my opinion. I think of money not as something cold and fickle, but as friendship tokens, or at least allegiance tokens, or just a simple pat on the back or a "thank you". Which is why I take care to spend my money only on things I appreciate and want to support.
I think I understand part of what you mean, though. I dream of self-sufficiency. To live off nature, to plant some seeds in my garden and watch them grow, and then eat them and that's all I need! I'm not overly fond of how we've grown so far from nature that it's looked down upon to have a work that's not "theoretical" and requires learning a bunch of abstract stuff from a book. All the buzz is about being an academic, but I think that kind of work makes very few people happy.
You're free to chose what you do with your life, though. Maybe it's more difficult to get to that "simple" lifestyle that I'd like, but it's not impossible.
Also, "permanent happiness" doesn't exist, in my opinion. It's not "happily ever after", it's "better and worse". Chasing eternal happiness will probably only make you depressed, because in reality it's so fleeting. That doesn't mean the world sucks, though. There's no need to always be happy.

EDIT: And about what's worthwhile, why don't you tell me, instead? Surely there must be something.

I suppose it's difficult for me to explain how I felt now that I've calmed down, but...

Having to drag myself out of bed at 6:00-7:00 every morning, going to classes that really make my mind boggle, almost feeling like nothing makes me happy anymore...this is what I mean by not being free.

Maybe it's post-mortem stress I'm still going through. I've been having a lot of talks with Mom about Dad, especially now that I'm almost graduating. I've been ashamed of myself for taking so long to graduate...7 years compared to 4 years like my brother. I've been ashamed that I didn't get done with college before Dad died. I've felt nothing but guilt and shame these past months. Everyone keeps telling me 'congratulations' for graduating, but I've felt like they shouldn't be proud of me. I've felt like I've let everyone down.

Anyway, I've been trying to find things to keep me positive, at least something to look forward to each day. Whether that be Brandy's little dachshund paws leaping up on me when I walk in the door, waiting to watch a reality TV show I like, or lemon cookies and some tea, I've tried to keep things going.

I don't have an answer to my own questions, but I suppose things are not as bad as I perceive them to be. I'm sure it's a lesson I'll learn eventually.

Thanks for the replies.

The one thing that really gives me long-term joy is that I know I'm better than whatever scumbag tries to bring me down. And the fact that I can use art to demonstrate how I feel when words cannot is both a gift and a curse in my eyes. I don't believe it possible to live a life without hardship, stress, and grief, but in the end, it makes the good things taste so much sweeter. <3

[edit]; Adding a picture in a moment. <3

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