I have nothing to be updated regarding myself. Shit still hurts every fucking day. However I do want to thank several people who have been there for me continuously. You know who you are and I love you.
Also, I wanted to add something that I already put in Hrau's bio, but I want everyone whom it may concern to see it.
"I know I said that Hraustr would be retiring with Liam, but Liam will absolutely be available for his family and friends whenever; visit him in Erialas or Herda, include him in events, anything. Retiring means they're living together as they already were, but there're times Hraustr wouldn't be present and he'd absolutely always give space if nothing else. So yeah, please feel free to include Liam in your characters lives and events."
That's all.
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The loss of a partner.
I've never gone through anything harder than that. Yet i don't regret coming out here and spending the last days of Jay with him. He had the most amazing personality and soul, truly. Can't believe I'll never again hear him start singing out of the blue and then laughing about his range when it was off. Can't believe I'll never get to tease him again nor tell him how much i love him. Can't believe a lot of things and it still feels fucking surreal.
I guess we're visiting the mortuary today and we have a possibility to see Jay one last time, and idk what to do. On the other hand I'm aching to see him bc i miss him so incredibly much, but then again he's going to look a lot different than i remember, and i remember how badly i freaked out when i had to see my dad several days ago after his death. Funny, he's been gone for exactly 21 years today on the 13th, and tomorrow is Valentine's day. We had Valentine's day plans with Jay, too, and my whole soul is just crushed. Gotta love February.
Can't thank you guys enough for reaching out- so many have done that, even some surprising ones and it makes me even more emotional to see just how many people care.
I had legit, detailed plans to follow Jay when he'd be gone, started planning when his cancer kept coming back. Didn't tell anyone and just smiled when my therapist told me how much progress I've made during the last hear. Jay in his deathbed and you guys however convinced me to keep going and that's what I'll try to do. It's not fair that he wanted to live so, so badly, had hopes, dreams and goals and then there's me who has never appreciated my life and i gotta change that somehow. Even a day before he died, he wanted us to take selfies and despite the horrible pain he was in, he smiled that wide smile of his that reached his eyes and i fucking can't.. Either way, he wanted me to have his gecko, so I'm going to try my best to be here and take good care of him once we can make that happen. Being here with Poss and Jay's other sister has helped immensely too, i can't even express how grateful i am for that. Definitely wouldn't've made it if I'd had to fly back to finland immediately. Now we're spending time together, looking through photos and Jay's artwork and simply talking and crying together. Didn't know how helpful that could be, since I've always been a recluse and keeping my feelings to myself.
Going to try and get a memorial tattoo here before i fly back home next week, hopefully it'll be possible so i can sort of take Jay with me. I have the perfect design that includes some of Jay's old artwork.
Thanks again for being awesome and supportive <3 I'll be taking a break from tef bc of all the memories that make me miss Jay even more, but i want to come back eventually and play my Stelmaria kid to honor Jay's memory as well as his beautiful, perfect characters. Hraustr will obviously be retiring and living his best life with Liam, there's no way i can bring myself to play him without his partner. But Diana, you'll meet her eventually, she's my special bby who Jay also loved and helped me create.
Hang in there, guys; we all lost someone dear and irreplaceable.
Social anxiety is the story
So sorry to hear about your cat though... It must be really hard for you right now. I've never had any experience with what you're going through so I'm afraid I can't help much but I'll be keeping you and your kitty in my thoughts. Please hang in there. ♥ Ugh, I wish I had more to say, but thoughts and best wishes are with you two ♥
You are in my thoughts
Wishing your cat will get better !!
Kira is on a special diet
She has had some rough days, but overall she acts like a kitten still! I think it’s great you’re being proactive and it definitely helps to have a friend who can understand. I do have days when I just start crying because I can’t get it out of my head and I know I can’t in front of her because she is so attuned to my feelings.
Make sure you take care of yourself too- remember your kitty needs you.
And my offer still stands, if you ever want to talk. ♥
Thank you guys.
Kimi; I bet mine wouldn't eat the spacial canned food either, he is too picky for his own good. And I have days like that too ;_; Like every other day is dedicated to crying over the future and when I have to let him go. He's closer to me than my own family. The anxiety is crippling, really, I totally understand what you're going through.
You can also poke me on discord if you ever feel like talking to someone in the same situation or during an anxiety attack about the cat etc. ♥
Thank you, that honestly
Meisebolle
Get out.
So bout that tooth; I've had
Fairs sound like fun!! Also followed you on instagram
ooo! take lots of pics
Mis; ahhh lucky! glad yours
Luk; i sure will!
you are so, so immensely
So much love to you.
I am so, so incredibly proud
We may not know each other very well, but I'm here for you if you need anything. Especially while you're still here in CO; any distance, any time.
Take care of yourself and love yourself the way we all know Jay loved you. ♥
I really wish I was better with words, but my heart is with you.
You're living my worst
We'll all be here waiting for your return whenever you feel ready.
Proud of you. ♥
I just wanted to send my love
i'd love so much to see that
You have such an immensely
Please don't ever hesitate to
♥
I've never gotten to know him
And it is this that I feel is too heavy for me to even attempt to comprehend. How you must be feeling.
If there's one thing I've learned over the years, it is just what life is capable of. How it is a cruel, mindless chaos that will tear people down regardless of whether they deserve it or not, regardless if they're genuinely good and kind people that deserve anything but that, and how there's nothing in existence that destroys me harder than this. But this is why you cannot give in to it. It's hurt you so much already, it cannot have you as well.
I've never gone through anything like this and I struggle to imagine just how hard it must be for you, but let me tell you I am incredibly proud of you for going on. Your strength is immesurable, and although I cannot say I know you extremely well or that we've talked extremely often, you're honestly one of the kindest people I've had the pleasure of getting to know. You're not letting this win. Life can be terribly cruel, but it is the meaning we give to it that makes it terribly beautiful as well, and the connection you must've had with him, as well as your very own kindness and loyalty (I appreciate it immensely that he had his loved ones with him, that you and Poss were there by his side), is proof of that. Don't let up, please. He'll live on in you. <3
And like I said, although I don't assume we know each other terribly well, please don't ever hesitate to hmu anytime for any reason. It's the least I could do, really.
hey old friend!
thanks to every single one of
---
was hoping i'd feel better by now, even a little, but rather i think it's getting worse instead. i'm in a constant fight or flight mode, the very same i was feeling prior the trip after i heard fin had been taken to hospital and was fighting for his life. i keep telling myself that he's gone, there's nowhere for me to be anymore but the feeling won't leave me and i'm constantly in distress. i might try being more active here or work on my characters to try and keep my mind busy, we'll see.
either way, thank you guys for your endless support and what you did with the gofundme thing, my mind is still blown hnng. thanks to that i was able to get my very first drawing tablet with a screen and i love it. you ppl are amazing with the biggest hearts i've ever seen and i will never forget it.
it's been giving me warm
♥...