I have nothing to be updated regarding myself. Shit still hurts every fucking day. However I do want to thank several people who have been there for me continuously. You know who you are and I love you.
Also, I wanted to add something that I already put in Hrau's bio, but I want everyone whom it may concern to see it.
"I know I said that Hraustr would be retiring with Liam, but Liam will absolutely be available for his family and friends whenever; visit him in Erialas or Herda, include him in events, anything. Retiring means they're living together as they already were, but there're times Hraustr wouldn't be present and he'd absolutely always give space if nothing else. So yeah, please feel free to include Liam in your characters lives and events."
That's all.
------
The loss of a partner.
I've never gone through anything harder than that. Yet i don't regret coming out here and spending the last days of Jay with him. He had the most amazing personality and soul, truly. Can't believe I'll never again hear him start singing out of the blue and then laughing about his range when it was off. Can't believe I'll never get to tease him again nor tell him how much i love him. Can't believe a lot of things and it still feels fucking surreal.
I guess we're visiting the mortuary today and we have a possibility to see Jay one last time, and idk what to do. On the other hand I'm aching to see him bc i miss him so incredibly much, but then again he's going to look a lot different than i remember, and i remember how badly i freaked out when i had to see my dad several days ago after his death. Funny, he's been gone for exactly 21 years today on the 13th, and tomorrow is Valentine's day. We had Valentine's day plans with Jay, too, and my whole soul is just crushed. Gotta love February.
Can't thank you guys enough for reaching out- so many have done that, even some surprising ones and it makes me even more emotional to see just how many people care.
I had legit, detailed plans to follow Jay when he'd be gone, started planning when his cancer kept coming back. Didn't tell anyone and just smiled when my therapist told me how much progress I've made during the last hear. Jay in his deathbed and you guys however convinced me to keep going and that's what I'll try to do. It's not fair that he wanted to live so, so badly, had hopes, dreams and goals and then there's me who has never appreciated my life and i gotta change that somehow. Even a day before he died, he wanted us to take selfies and despite the horrible pain he was in, he smiled that wide smile of his that reached his eyes and i fucking can't.. Either way, he wanted me to have his gecko, so I'm going to try my best to be here and take good care of him once we can make that happen. Being here with Poss and Jay's other sister has helped immensely too, i can't even express how grateful i am for that. Definitely wouldn't've made it if I'd had to fly back to finland immediately. Now we're spending time together, looking through photos and Jay's artwork and simply talking and crying together. Didn't know how helpful that could be, since I've always been a recluse and keeping my feelings to myself.
Going to try and get a memorial tattoo here before i fly back home next week, hopefully it'll be possible so i can sort of take Jay with me. I have the perfect design that includes some of Jay's old artwork.
Thanks again for being awesome and supportive <3 I'll be taking a break from tef bc of all the memories that make me miss Jay even more, but i want to come back eventually and play my Stelmaria kid to honor Jay's memory as well as his beautiful, perfect characters. Hraustr will obviously be retiring and living his best life with Liam, there's no way i can bring myself to play him without his partner. But Diana, you'll meet her eventually, she's my special bby who Jay also loved and helped me create.
Hang in there, guys; we all lost someone dear and irreplaceable.
Thinking you ;-;
I am so, so sorry.
I'm truly sorry to hear this.
I'm so sorry hun...
Thinking of you and your
I am very sorry, you will
There's nothing wrong with
I understand how hard it is
Deepest condolences...
My thoughts are with you and
May he rest in peace .
My condolences ... I
I always wanted to have any
I'm so sorry for what
I thought of you while I drew (and saw you sleeping on the border of my tef window).
Oh god, didnt realize that
Cannot thank you enough, but thank you a million times. Tomorrow will be hell and I cant sleep thanks to that, but this art lifted my spirits. ♥
(also yes I saw your deer too, started drawing and had to close tef unfortunately. your Skully is magnificent)
So sorry for your loss,
Hope you can make it to Turkey if you're wanting to go though! Sounds like it might be fun.
Thank you ♥
I hope you get well soon dear
that sounds incredibly
Sometimes people get this
Normally with the right treatment it will get better in a few days .
After time when you feel better again this symptom will disappear , normally .
I had this too after a big surgery .
Really hope you feel better
tigerart; Thank you, Ill try.
Kaoori; It really is.. Luckily not that much tonight.
Flyleaf; So sorry to hear that you had to experience a pain like this as well. I cant think of anything else than shock and stress as contributors in my case.
Mjrn; Thank you sweetie. ♥
I'm truly sorry to hear about
I remember being so ill around this time last year that all I could do was lie down and even then it hurt so much it had me crying. I hope you feel better very soon.
Thank you dear.
Thats exactly how it has felt the past few days since thursday. Today seems better, not hurting constantly if I dont take full breaths of air. And Im able to sit, thats worth smiling for, lol. Still cannot eat, but hopefully soon.
not that there would even be anything edible around considering I cant even walk to the store LMAOHappy 5, and I hope you have
A trip to Turkey? Gosh that
Long overdue track I hope you
I hope you have fun in Turkey, e?elenmene bak, tamam m??
<3
Kao; Thank you!
tigerart; Yes I am excited already haha. Thanks!
badname; Evet! Thanks <3
Happy anniversary you old
you old lady haha :hands cane:♥That's good; hope you have a good time in Turkey.
Thank you tootpants. Hah,
Ff, please, 'dis face is
You gonna make me come over in that yard of yours and toot some more
And we want you to stay for
♥
congrats on 5 years and being
old fart
Thank you, Tuo and Kohva!
Congratulations on the five
Thank you all
Mjrn and Nipi are free to go toot and fart somewhere else than near me thank you vm.
never shh embrace it u know u
shh
embrace it
u know u like it
Thank you, Tuo and Kohva!
'Das it. :TOOTS: ilu :]
:TOOTS:
ilu
:]
Happy 5 tef years
Thanks Flyleaf, and also
It sounds like some sort of
If the sleepmeds do offer you some sleep, you might want to try taking them; some sleep is better than no sleep, and I'm fairly certain your body is reacting to the lack of it.
But...again, I'd really talk to a doctor or a sleep specialist. I'm really, really worried about this. ):
i suggest seeing a doc too
Lay in your most comfortable position and breath slowly, focus on your breath and only you breath and with each exhale you feel yourself "sink" deeper into the mattress. Just keep going, focus on your breathing and that usually puts me right to sleep.
I have seen a doctor about
I did take sleepmeds three hours ago, three times the suggested amount, and nothing. Guess Ill just stay awake then until I go nuts or finally fall asleep haha...ha.
Thanks for your reply anyway, sweety.
Edit; ninjad I:
Thats something I know of but havent remembered to use. Its actually something I could try with some more meds, thank you!
ASMR videos? I've heard
Hmm...I know depending on a
I have really bad insomnia most nights due to my anxiety. My head just won't shut up and my thoughts keep me awake and sometimes even make my heart rate go up.
Luckily my mom has found simple yet surprisingly very helpful solutions. For one, there's sleepy time tea. It's an herbal mint tea, and it's really relaxing. The comfort and warmth that it brings is a great way to get comfortable enough to lull into sleep.
Another thing, which has proven really effective, is Melatonin. It's the hormone made by the pineal gland , a small gland in the brain that helps control your sleep and wake cycles.
There are Melatonin supplements that mom has my Nana and I taking (My Nana used to never ever sleep and it made her go nuts after a while.) I usually take half a pill because if I take a whole one I'll sleep so comfortably it'll make it hard to wake up in the morning, and I have to get up at 5 AM for school. XD
Another thing that should really be remembered is that your diet has a strong hold on how well you sleep. Eating lots of breads and sugars and the like in the day or evening can really mess up chances of sleeping comfortably, if at all.
I'd suggest doing research on diet and Melatonin, and maybe even certain music or sounds that will help.
I hope that this advice is somewhat useful!
Are you out of your sleep
e: didn't see HB already said asmr! I second her, they're really helpful imo.
second edit, I just had a look through old bookmarks (had trouble sleeping in the past) and I found this. Despite the name, it literally always worked at putting me to sleep somehow. Maybe it just works with me but, who knows, since you're desperate thought I'd link it. Also try not to take too many meds, being pumped with them will do you no good if they don't even work in the first place!
I would have definitely not
That's understandable, I'd be the exact same way. Like I said, I really hope something does help you. ):
HB; I actually have a youtube
Flora; Yes I am aware, thats why I take a month or a couple months break from all sleepmeds every now and then.
Sorry to hear about your anxiety. Mine is sometimes like that, too. But simetimes its spacing out and forgetting to think, eat, do stuff thats supposed etc. Like yesterday, tired as fuck, didnt do anything but stared the ceiling for five hours or more. Maybe I was too fixated on falling sleep and stressed about it too much, knowing that I had an appointment today that I was supposed to attend. Cancelled early today though, obviously.
I do drink a lot of tea, but its also proven to be useless in bringing me the calm feeling. The taste is great, though.
Melatonin, I tried that. Even some stronger melatonin that was prescribed to me last year. It also helps my best friend to sleep, but to me, it does nothing.
About the diet, well I hardly feel hungry so I dont eat that often. I dont eat bread at all, havent in almost a year after diagnozed with celiac disease (wheatless bread tastes awful I tell you, I wouldnt even feed that to my worst enemies). I guess I could try expanding my diet. Wish I could cook more, but apparently I dont know how to cook small meals and because I eat so rarely (usually after three days though I get a horrible headache and have to eat again), most of the food goes to waste and I hate wasting.
Thank you for the input, too.
Evern; Oh yes. I dont know the meaning of sleep schedule anymore. And naps, no. Two hour nap is often the only sleep I get during a night (or during day, since the fucked up sleep schedule).
Thanks for the link, I did put it on after waking up again. I did get some more sleep, maybe thanks to that (even though I didnt follow the instructions, just listened to his voice haha). Thank you.
Mjrn; Yeah.. But like Ratt told me and I agreed, tired and desperate mind can do stupid things. However, th med Im currently on are just for falling asleep. As in they dont work for the whole night so thats a plus I guess. Too bad I have huge problems with staying asleep too, as well as falling asleep.
Suppose Ill just mention the sleep problem to my doctor again and get some better answers than going somewhere from my home and being foced to sleep.
TL;DR, I got some sleep, not a lot, but more than usually and my body is working again lol. Thank you everyone for your thoughts. Shylohh (Zanzi?) as well, even though youre not in my skype contacts, I got your message and it was helpful. And köntsä, very thankful towards you for talking with me and sitting with me in tef last night.
I love baking too.. I used to
Nothing is better than
Truthfully, I hate baking (and cooking), unless I'm with my mom. Could just be because I don't see her that often so I take any opportunity to hang out with her. Still, it's more fun and less stress inducing than cooking with my sister haha.