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15th of September, 2020


I have nothing to be updated regarding myself. Shit still hurts every fucking day. However I do want to thank several people who have been there for me continuously. You know who you are and I love you.
Also, I wanted to add something that I already put in Hrau's bio, but I want everyone whom it may concern to see it.

"I know I said that Hraustr would be retiring with Liam, but Liam will absolutely be available for his family and friends whenever; visit him in Erialas or Herda, include him in events, anything. Retiring means they're living together as they already were, but there're times Hraustr wouldn't be present and he'd absolutely always give space if nothing else. So yeah, please feel free to include Liam in your characters lives and events."

That's all.

------

The loss of a partner.
I've never gone through anything harder than that. Yet i don't regret coming out here and spending the last days of Jay with him. He had the most amazing personality and soul, truly. Can't believe I'll never again hear him start singing out of the blue and then laughing about his range when it was off. Can't believe I'll never get to tease him again nor tell him how much i love him. Can't believe a lot of things and it still feels fucking surreal.
I guess we're visiting the mortuary today and we have a possibility to see Jay one last time, and idk what to do. On the other hand I'm aching to see him bc i miss him so incredibly much, but then again he's going to look a lot different than i remember, and i remember how badly i freaked out when i had to see my dad several days ago after his death. Funny, he's been gone for exactly 21 years today on the 13th, and tomorrow is Valentine's day. We had Valentine's day plans with Jay, too, and my whole soul is just crushed. Gotta love February.

Can't thank you guys enough for reaching out- so many have done that, even some surprising ones and it makes me even more emotional to see just how many people care.
I had legit, detailed plans to follow Jay when he'd be gone, started planning when his cancer kept coming back. Didn't tell anyone and just smiled when my therapist told me how much progress I've made during the last hear. Jay in his deathbed and you guys however convinced me to keep going and that's what I'll try to do. It's not fair that he wanted to live so, so badly, had hopes, dreams and goals and then there's me who has never appreciated my life and i gotta change that somehow. Even a day before he died, he wanted us to take selfies and despite the horrible pain he was in, he smiled that wide smile of his that reached his eyes and i fucking can't.. Either way, he wanted me to have his gecko, so I'm going to try my best to be here and take good care of him once we can make that happen. Being here with Poss and Jay's other sister has helped immensely too, i can't even express how grateful i am for that. Definitely wouldn't've made it if I'd had to fly back to finland immediately. Now we're spending time together, looking through photos and Jay's artwork and simply talking and crying together. Didn't know how helpful that could be, since I've always been a recluse and keeping my feelings to myself.

Going to try and get a memorial tattoo here before i fly back home next week, hopefully it'll be possible so i can sort of take Jay with me. I have the perfect design that includes some of Jay's old artwork.

Thanks again for being awesome and supportive <3 I'll be taking a break from tef bc of all the memories that make me miss Jay even more, but i want to come back eventually and play my Stelmaria kid to honor Jay's memory as well as his beautiful, perfect characters. Hraustr will obviously be retiring and living his best life with Liam, there's no way i can bring myself to play him without his partner. But Diana, you'll meet her eventually, she's my special bby who Jay also loved and helped me create.

Hang in there, guys; we all lost someone dear and irreplaceable.




INFO

Contains hidden hovers
Name; Tuo (Jake)
Nationality; Finnish
Age; 9th April
Personality; ISFJ
Plant Personality; ECHINACEA A protector. With an amazing blend of optimism, nurturing and goodwill, you lend your strength and energy to those in need. Your seemingly infinite goodwill and boundless supportive energy make you the one people turn to when times are tough. Your greatest strength is, of course, also one of your weaknesses, especially if you neglect to take care of yourself. At times like these, it’s a good idea to take a step back and focus some of that protective energy on yourself. - FENNEL You’re quiet, sometimes shy, with a tendency to be reserved. You have a humble, kind nature and often find yourself taking care of others. You can be known to hold things in, and you don’t always speak up for yourself. This tendency to hold things in can lead to disturbances. - NETTLE Truly a nurturing and supportive friend, you’re the kind of person that just isn’t for everyone. But those who take the time are rewarded with your gentle disposition, and the kind of friendship that does a person good no matter the difficulty they’re facing. When out of balance, you can become more prickly than supportive or nurturing, though—a sign that you need to shower yourself with the same kind of nurturing you so freely give to others.
Zodiac; Aries, metal horse
Leo Leo Ascendant has a strong constitution. They are very concerned with their appearance and how they behave in public. They like to dress in a youthful manner, and their bearing is strong with a sense of authority. They can pull all this off because they are just big kids at heart. This Ascendant is warm, generous and fun to be around.

Leo Ascendant is usually of sunny disposition, although they usually speak their mind. They can be extremely stubborn, and it can be challenging for them to break bad habits or behaviors. Their innate tenacity is one of their greatest assets, though. Even when everyone else is tired out and ready to give up, Leo Ascendant is still ready to inspire everyone to keep up the good work.
Ascendant
Libra Individuals with the moon in Libra turn out to be excellent planners and strategists due to their eye for detail. Intellectual stimulation is a must for them in any relationship. They value their home and family and are very affectionate. They are attracted towards the arts and possess a great aesthetic sense.

They prefer to see the silver lining on any cloud, give people the benefit of the doubt and see life as an endless stream of opportunities for joy. Compliments are a natural part of their speech. They dish them out daily and truly mean them. They relish human interaction and value it, so they try to let people know this by treating them kindly and fairly. Of course, they aren't perfect, and their one pet peeve is this whole issue of fairness. Perhaps because Libra moons put so much effort into treating others well, they are more offended than most when the effort isn't reciprocated. Often, you will see a Libra moon astonished by the rude behavior of someone who they just treated so kindly. In sports or work, they are super conscious of issues of fair play.
Moon
Taurus Taurus Midheaven doesn't like change. This goes for both the physical world and the mental one. Ideas can stick with them no matter what until they are finally convinced they should let it go. This can work with an unsatisfactory career, too. They may spend years in a dead-end job, but they fear the change, even if it may be better.

They love to develop their skills and help others; what better way to do this than when they are the boss? Once they find their niche, they are content to sail through the rest of life.
Midheaven
Mercury in Taurus People tend to listen to Taurus Mercury. They are taken seriously. They are funny and a bit sarcastic. They do not use flowery speech; instead they come across as authoritative and realistic.

Mercury in Taurus likes to learn through demonstrations, basic concepts and concrete answers. They like practical applications for what they learn. They can learn in the abstract, but the lessons are much more powerful if they can use the information personally.

They are very sensual, and have well-defined tastes. Everything they can experience through the senses: color, scent, touch? all affect their communication style. They are shrewd in business and excel at finances.

Mercury in Taurus can come across as obstinate and opinionated. They have an incredible memory. Whatever they set their efforts to needs to produce tangible results.

Venus in Pisces The person with Venus in Pisces is changeable, and can appear completely different to different people. They have the knack of picking up on the emotions of others, and they can adapt to fit the needs of those around them.

Pisces Venus has the ability to understand people and to forgive them, no matter what. It is hard for them to define boundaries around themselves. They tend to be taken advantage of because of their sense of hospitality and empathy. They often feel alone or disappointed unless they get a very clear, definitive demonstration of love and affection. They are afraid of getting hurt, and may hesitate to express their own feelings.

In friendship, they will go out of their way for a friend or anyone in need. They are thoughtful listeners who can empathize with any situation.

Pisces Venus loves unconditionally. They don't care about status; they just care about what is inside.

Mars in Aquarius Mars in Aquarius is a bit difficult to figure out. And they like it that way because they like to surprise others. They find conventional methods boring and look for new, innovational ways to accomplish their goals. They are original and unique.

Aquarius Mars is proud of their own independence. They wouldn't have it any other way. They can stand up for themselves quite well. While open-minded and progressive, they can be surprisingly stubborn. If they know you've found a pattern in their behavior, they are sure to change it.

Mars' intense energy will often combine with Aquarius' benevolent humanitarianism in an extremely positive way when it comes to charitable causes, and the needs of others. This placement frequently indicates a willingness to work tirelessly for a good cause. For those born with this placement in their charts, a general concern for their friends, humanity and social causes touches everything that they do.

Jupiter in Cancer Jupiter in Cancer has a gift at making people feel cared for. They can create a homelike environment anywhere. Whatever they turn their hand to grows or turns out well. They really know how to make the most of what they have. They have a talent for sensing the emotional currents around them and sensing when others feel vulnerable.

They are ambitious, and are led by their intuition and emotions. They are excellent at healing and caregiving. They can be very artistic, whether that is with traditional arts or with food or business. They have an excellent memory, especially for family and history. Security is very important to them.

Saturn in Capricorn Capricorn is the natural home of Saturn, and as such all of the core traits of Saturn are inherent here. Career and finance will usually be the focus of this placement -- frequently to the detriment of all else. This placement is highly desirous of power and will often go to great lengths to achieve it.

This position is not likely to be conducive to teamwork or cooperation.

Saturn in Capricorn is ambitious and hungry for power. They are focused on their career. A great organizer and planner, they easily assume responsibility and can be relied upon to take care of business. They may find it difficult to delegate, so may end up doing all the work themselves. It is hard for them to believe that others can produce results that are up to their tough standards.

Uranus in Capricorn Capricorn Uranus can be restless or impulsive. They may act before they think it through. They can be stubborn, eccentric and radical. They are good at balancing ambition, independence and their intellectual abilities. They are not afraid of challenges. They are tolerant of differences in people, and they have no problem treating them all equally. They are even tempered.

Capricorn Uranus is responsible and is capable of handling power with ease. They are good people to hold a job needing the trust of the public. They have the talent to see the coming trends long in advance. They are not afraid to change procedures in order to achieve their goals. They are logical and have a great mind. They may be excellent politicians or business leaders. They will be capable of accomplishing great things for mankind and may make great material progress.

Neptune in Capricorn Capricorn Neptune is serious and likes to think things over. They have the ability to concentrate on anything that happens, so they can solve any problems that occur. Detail work is something they usually excel at. On the other hand, they may tend towards melancholy, secrets and deceit. When they get this way, they want to shut themselves away from the world.
Eros in Pisces
Descendant in Libra
Lilith in Scorpio

Likes;
Reading, traveling, cats, animals in general, statues
Photographing, NSFW, working, nature, scents
Baking, cooking, tea, coffee
Tattoos, piercings, body modification
Different cultures, languages
Trying out different recipes
Listening

Virtues;
Forgiving
Listening to anyone's problems and keeping them private
Empathetic
Non-judgmental

Vices;
Bossy as fuuudge, I'm sorry
Overprotective
The Worst Humor™
The dad friend - you'll go to sleep when I tell you to
All the vices



Discord - Tuo#3714

I can also be contacted through my Email, , but I don't check it too often, so better leave a message to this blog before emailing and tell you wanted to reach me.

Enbis, OOC
Morgül - BIO - Tumblr - Spotify
Kalma/ Francesco d'Este - BIO - Tumblr - Spotify
Dario d'Este - Spotify
Hraustr Vargsson - Bio - Tumblr - Spotify
Ilías Adonai - Bio - Tumblr - Spotify
Lohtu - Bio - Spotify

Other personal links;
Tumblr
"funny" Tumblr
Toyhou.se
Pinterest
Instagram
deviantART


All of the Tumblr blogs above can contain mature content, such as macabre, violent, sexual and otherwise mentally disturbing.





CSS made by Evern (with help from Unplugged ♥) explicitly for Tuo- not to be used elsewhere. Art made by Kate Hallen

Thinking you ;-;

Thinking you ;-;
Kaoori's picture

I am so, so sorry.

I am so, so sorry.
Snowsauria's picture

I'm truly sorry to hear this.

I'm truly sorry to hear this.
Mjrn's picture

I'm so sorry hun...

I'm so sorry hun...
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IvyChain's picture

Thinking of you and your

Thinking of you and your grandpa, so sorry he caught it.
LooksForDoves's picture

I am very sorry, you will

I am very sorry, you will both be in my thoughts.

Mjrn's picture

There's nothing wrong with

There's nothing wrong with getting your feelings out. I'm sorry to hear about this. Those pictures look adorable too. ♥
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tigerart27's picture

I understand how hard it is

I understand how hard it is to endure personal loss, my heart goes out to you. Those pictures are awfully sweet, I'm sure you will always treasure the memories of him. <3
WayfarerHart's picture

Deepest condolences...

Deepest condolences...

Flyleaf's picture

My thoughts are with you and

My thoughts are with you and your family !
May he rest in peace .
Avatar @ Sluggs Siggy @ Amazegenalo
Bouncing Fly by Mary13
Paleray's picture

My condolences ... I

My condolences ... I understand you and it's really very hard to part with family. But I'm sure everything will get better.
Dampir's picture

I always wanted to have any

I always wanted to have any good memories with my grandpa but I was born too late - I only knew he waited and wanted granddaughter so much but accident took him away a few months earlier. That's probably why I like to look on people pictures with their grandfathers, to see their happiness. Thanks for sharing your photos. I can imagine how hard the time is now for you, keep strong and feel better with time ♥
Narina's picture

I'm so sorry for what

I'm so sorry for what happened..
I thought of you while I drew (and saw you sleeping on the border of my tef window).
Tuo's picture

Oh god, didnt realize that

Oh god, didnt realize that was a link until I pressed reply (need to change the link colors, hn). I cannot even begin to describe how touched I feel right now. Ill try to get out something though. First of all, never thought Id get any gifts ever, so double the surprise.. I love everything about that drawing, Ratt, youre an amazing artist. The blurred parts and the details together create a very appealing entirety. The background too, a cloudy, red sky with snow faling down is one of my favorite weathers and you captured it perfectly. I get a melancholic feeling from the drawing, but that might just be my overall mood.
Cannot thank you enough, but thank you a million times. Tomorrow will be hell and I cant sleep thanks to that, but this art lifted my spirits. ♥
(also yes I saw your deer too, started drawing and had to close tef unfortunately. your Skully is magnificent)
idiosyncrasies's picture

So sorry for your loss,

So sorry for your loss, sending good vibes your way. ♥


Hope you can make it to Turkey if you're wanting to go though! Sounds like it might be fun.
Tuo's picture

Thank you &hearts;

Thank you ♥
tigerart27's picture

I hope you get well soon dear

I hope you get well soon dear <3
Kaoori's picture

that sounds incredibly

that sounds incredibly painful. Feel better soon :/
Flyleaf's picture

Sometimes people get this

Sometimes people get this symptome after a great shock .
Normally with the right treatment it will get better in a few days .
After time when you feel better again this symptom will disappear , normally .
I had this too after a big surgery .
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Bouncing Fly by Mary13
Mjrn's picture

Really hope you feel better

Really hope you feel better soon hun...
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Tuo's picture

tigerart; Thank you, Ill try.

tigerart; Thank you, Ill try. Some improvement is happening already.
Kaoori; It really is.. Luckily not that much tonight.
Flyleaf; So sorry to hear that you had to experience a pain like this as well. I cant think of anything else than shock and stress as contributors in my case.
Mjrn; Thank you sweetie. ♥
Jayternator's picture

I'm truly sorry to hear about

I'm truly sorry to hear about your loss.. my thoughts are with you.

I remember being so ill around this time last year that all I could do was lie down and even then it hurt so much it had me crying. I hope you feel better very soon.
Tuo's picture

Thank you dear.

Thank you dear. ♥

Thats exactly how it has felt the past few days since thursday. Today seems better, not hurting constantly if I dont take full breaths of air. And Im able to sit, thats worth smiling for, lol. Still cannot eat, but hopefully soon. not that there would even be anything edible around considering I cant even walk to the store LMAO
Kaoori's picture

Happy 5, and I hope you have

Happy 5, and I hope you have a good time on your trip when you go Smiling
tigerart27's picture

A trip to Turkey? Gosh that

A trip to Turkey? Gosh that must be really exciting! I hope you have fun!

Long overdue track I hope you

Long overdue track
I hope you have fun in Turkey, e?elenmene bak, tamam m??
<3
Tuo's picture

Kao; Thank you!

Kao; Thank you! ♥
tigerart; Yes I am excited already haha. Thanks!
badname; Evet! Thanks <3
Mjrn's picture

Happy anniversary you old

Happy anniversary you old lady haha :hands cane:

That's good; hope you have a good time in Turkey.
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Tuo's picture

Thank you tootpants. Hah,

Thank you tootpants. Hah, what? Pot calling the kettle etc etc. I can see your wrinkles all the way here tbh. c:
Mjrn's picture

Ff, please, 'dis face is

Ff, please, 'dis face is flawless. Wrinkles live in fear of me, believe it. :]
You gonna make me come over in that yard of yours and toot some more
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Evern's picture

And we want you to stay for

And we want you to stay for even longer than that (:

Unplugged's picture

&hearts;

idiosyncrasies's picture

congrats on 5 years and being

congrats on 5 years and being able to go on your trip! ♥

old fart

old fart

Thank you, Tuo and Kohva!

Snowsauria's picture

Congratulations on the five

Congratulations on the five years. <:
Tuo's picture

Thank you all

Thank you all <3

Mjrn and Nipi are free to go toot and fart somewhere else than near me thank you vm.

never shh embrace it u know u

never
shh
embrace it
u know u like it

Thank you, Tuo and Kohva!

Mjrn's picture

'Das it. :TOOTS: ilu :]

'Das it.
:TOOTS:
ilu
:]
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Flyleaf's picture

Happy 5 tef years

Happy 5 tef years Smiling
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Bouncing Fly by Mary13
Tuo's picture

Thanks Flyleaf, and also

Thanks Flyleaf, and also bump.
Mjrn's picture

It sounds like some sort of

It sounds like some sort of sleep disorder, really. I really can't offer any advice other than seeing a doctor as soon as you can.

If the sleepmeds do offer you some sleep, you might want to try taking them; some sleep is better than no sleep, and I'm fairly certain your body is reacting to the lack of it.

But...again, I'd really talk to a doctor or a sleep specialist. I'm really, really worried about this. ):
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TreeDancer's picture

i suggest seeing a doc too

i suggest seeing a doc too though what i use to help me when I'm like this is meditate
Lay in your most comfortable position and breath slowly, focus on your breath and only you breath and with each exhale you feel yourself "sink" deeper into the mattress. Just keep going, focus on your breathing and that usually puts me right to sleep.
Tuo's picture

I have seen a doctor about

I have seen a doctor about it.. Their resolution is sending me somewhere where they would pump me full of sleepmeds and keep me there 24/7 for who knows how long. So Im a bit hesitant about telling how bad my sleeping has gone again. Because theres no way Im leaving my home and my cat and going into a building full of other lunatics. : /

I did take sleepmeds three hours ago, three times the suggested amount, and nothing. Guess Ill just stay awake then until I go nuts or finally fall asleep haha...ha.

Thanks for your reply anyway, sweety.

Edit; ninjad I:

Thats something I know of but havent remembered to use. Its actually something I could try with some more meds, thank you!
HB's picture

ASMR videos? I've heard

ASMR videos? I've heard people with sleep problems find those pretty helpful and easy to fall asleep to. Doesn't work for everyone ofc, but I guess it's worth a try.

Hmm...I know depending on a

Hmm...I know depending on a lot of meds will eventually give you complications that will require more meds, and then those meds will eventually cause you to need more meds, and so on and so forth. It's not always the case, but it's very likely and a reason to consider alternatives to prescription drugs, which very rarely even help the problem, just numb the symptoms and cause more problems. Plus, understandably, you don't want to be taken from home for long periods of time to be pumped full of drugs that probably won't even work in the long run.

I have really bad insomnia most nights due to my anxiety. My head just won't shut up and my thoughts keep me awake and sometimes even make my heart rate go up.

Luckily my mom has found simple yet surprisingly very helpful solutions. For one, there's sleepy time tea. It's an herbal mint tea, and it's really relaxing. The comfort and warmth that it brings is a great way to get comfortable enough to lull into sleep.

Another thing, which has proven really effective, is Melatonin. It's the hormone made by the pineal gland , a small gland in the brain that helps control your sleep and wake cycles.

There are Melatonin supplements that mom has my Nana and I taking (My Nana used to never ever sleep and it made her go nuts after a while.) I usually take half a pill because if I take a whole one I'll sleep so comfortably it'll make it hard to wake up in the morning, and I have to get up at 5 AM for school. XD

Another thing that should really be remembered is that your diet has a strong hold on how well you sleep. Eating lots of breads and sugars and the like in the day or evening can really mess up chances of sleeping comfortably, if at all.

I'd suggest doing research on diet and Melatonin, and maybe even certain music or sounds that will help.

I hope that this advice is somewhat useful!
Evern's picture

Are you out of your sleep

Are you out of your sleep schedule? do you take a load of naps? ASMR is great for me, it's a bit weird but it works if you want to try it- look it up on youtube. look up some long rain sound yt videos too, they always help put my brain to sleep.
e: didn't see HB already said asmr! I second her, they're really helpful imo.
second edit, I just had a look through old bookmarks (had trouble sleeping in the past) and I found this. Despite the name, it literally always worked at putting me to sleep somehow. Maybe it just works with me but, who knows, since you're desperate thought I'd link it. Also try not to take too many meds, being pumped with them will do you no good if they don't even work in the first place!

Mjrn's picture

I would have definitely not

I would have definitely not taken three times the amount; I'm not saavy on the side effects of sleep meds, but that could just screw you up worse. :/

That's understandable, I'd be the exact same way. Like I said, I really hope something does help you. ):
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Tuo's picture

HB; I actually have a youtube

HB; I actually have a youtube playlist of asmr videos for sleeping. Sometimes they work, sometimes they dont. Usually I do require some noises to sleep. Thanks for the input, really.

Flora; Yes I am aware, thats why I take a month or a couple months break from all sleepmeds every now and then.

Sorry to hear about your anxiety. Mine is sometimes like that, too. But simetimes its spacing out and forgetting to think, eat, do stuff thats supposed etc. Like yesterday, tired as fuck, didnt do anything but stared the ceiling for five hours or more. Maybe I was too fixated on falling sleep and stressed about it too much, knowing that I had an appointment today that I was supposed to attend. Cancelled early today though, obviously.

I do drink a lot of tea, but its also proven to be useless in bringing me the calm feeling. The taste is great, though.

Melatonin, I tried that. Even some stronger melatonin that was prescribed to me last year. It also helps my best friend to sleep, but to me, it does nothing.

About the diet, well I hardly feel hungry so I dont eat that often. I dont eat bread at all, havent in almost a year after diagnozed with celiac disease (wheatless bread tastes awful I tell you, I wouldnt even feed that to my worst enemies). I guess I could try expanding my diet. Wish I could cook more, but apparently I dont know how to cook small meals and because I eat so rarely (usually after three days though I get a horrible headache and have to eat again), most of the food goes to waste and I hate wasting.

Thank you for the input, too.

Evern; Oh yes. I dont know the meaning of sleep schedule anymore. And naps, no. Two hour nap is often the only sleep I get during a night (or during day, since the fucked up sleep schedule).
Thanks for the link, I did put it on after waking up again. I did get some more sleep, maybe thanks to that (even though I didnt follow the instructions, just listened to his voice haha). Thank you.

Mjrn; Yeah.. But like Ratt told me and I agreed, tired and desperate mind can do stupid things. However, th med Im currently on are just for falling asleep. As in they dont work for the whole night so thats a plus I guess. Too bad I have huge problems with staying asleep too, as well as falling asleep.
Suppose Ill just mention the sleep problem to my doctor again and get some better answers than going somewhere from my home and being foced to sleep.

TL;DR, I got some sleep, not a lot, but more than usually and my body is working again lol. Thank you everyone for your thoughts. Shylohh (Zanzi?) as well, even though youre not in my skype contacts, I got your message and it was helpful. And köntsä, very thankful towards you for talking with me and sitting with me in tef last night.
Evern's picture

I love baking too.. I used to

I love baking too.. I used to make cakes, and I need to start making them again. :B I'd totally eat your buns btw.

Mjrn's picture

Nothing is better than

Nothing is better than everyday food that you make at home. Cinnamon buns, rice crispies, etc. Gdi you're making me crave a cinnamon bun now lol.

Truthfully, I hate baking (and cooking), unless I'm with my mom. Could just be because I don't see her that often so I take any opportunity to hang out with her. Still, it's more fun and less stress inducing than cooking with my sister haha.
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