Seriously? I'm so jealous! xD
What type is it? Venus Flytrap?

yep it's a Venus Flytrap <3

Looks like you have a good understanding of what you want to do. Best of luck!

Thanks Tera, Quad! ♥
I do want to save the world! I'm trying to figure out how.

Woke at noon, no breakfast. :C
Lunch at 4.30 pm, fried vegetables and beans and rice.
Watched a documentary about a Somalian woman, feel more inspired than ever to do some kind of work for the UN.
Cleaning room - it's ridiculously messy. I swear if anyone saw it they would have to go barf somewhere. It's seriously that disgusting.
Good news! I found my iPod cord that I'd severly missed. ♥
Thought of a new to-do: Mend all of my torn socks and sweaters and pants. Big holes never bothered me before, but people always react strangely to them so I'll take their opinion for it. I am trying to change, after all!
Opened the window and got some fresh air in here for the first time in ages. It feels very pleasant and energizing!
More To Do: Bake bread!!!!!!!!!!

I was close to thinking, since I didn't get started on this from this morning, it's ok not to do the things I have set up for myself - I'll just get started tomorrow! PFFF OH YEAH. That's exactly what this is about NOT doing! Not putting it off.
And it's like, I feel that if I've already done something good during the day - like cleaning up - it means I'm done for the day and can put off everything else, because I have after all done something good already. But it shouldn't stop there! Go Go GOOO!
So I excercised and didn't skip dinner like I thought I would - I didn't have anything spectacular though, just blueberry cream with oat milk and flax seeds. Better than nothing, I guess.
Now I'm just gonna relax and watch a movie or something. ♥
Oh heck I still need to draw something too.

[-]!! Have three meals every day.
[x] Cook at least one meal every day.
[-] Get 15 minutes of sunshine every day.
[x]!! Excercise every day.
[ ] Go running at least twice a week.
[ ] Apple Cider Vinegar bath once a week. ?
[x] Olive & Castor Oil hair treatments once a week.
[x] Neem soap for the face morning and evening.
[ ] House cleaning every sunday.
[-]!! Always do what needs to be done right away.
[-] Do more nice things for people.
[-] Draw at least one picture every day.
[x] Watch Mr. Jack Lalanne videos whenever I feel unmotivated.
[-] Try out a Raw Food diet
[-] Go to bed at 1AM at the latest
[-] Get up at 10 AM at the latest

Thought of today: The only reason you're not doing something is that you're not doing it. I always feel like there's this huge threshold I have to get myself over every time I'm going to do something, like get started on essays, cleaning, etc. Like everything has to be perfect and feel right before I can get started. Bullshit! Just do it. It's that easy.

I wish the very best of luck to you! ♥

It's 1:45 AM and I'm supposed to be sleeping. I did actually go to bed at 1 AM like I decided I would, but all I'm doing is lying in the dark with all these thoughts running around my head.
Part of me is saying, just keep trying to sleep, this is your only way to get back in rhythm, so don't give up when you've just started. The other part of me is thinking I need to write these thoughts down or they'll be lost forever. Even now I can feel them slipping away. Don't you just hate how things can be so clear to you when you're in your bed, in the dark... And then the minutes the lights go on it scurries away like a cockroach.
I can't remember what I was thinking.
This sucks.

No, hang on. Oh yeah, I was stressing out. Which is something I haven't done in a while. And the fact that I'm stressing out stresses me out. Because when I start getting anxious and negative about things, it all spirals downwards fast and there's little that can stop it from becoming a full blown depression. And those last me usually six months to about a year. I seriously don't need any more of that crap. That's what I'm trying to get out of, right? Right. So, snap out of it. I need to perk up right away. Gotta figure out how, though. Let's analyse the situation shall we. Chop it up into nice little bits and pieces and see if it makes more sense.

I feel ... unsettled. I'm not sure about what. Oh right, yesterday I was told I can't finish my paper this term, I'll have to wait for the next one. So is it about me disappointing myself YET again, like I do, over and over? By putting off getting in touch with administration, I've pretty much wasted this whole term. ....Usually I wouldn't really care about a wasted term, though. Who cares about terms and essays and all that, I don't even know what I'm doing anyway. I could as well drop out. Besides, this stuff always works out in the end.

Or does it? That's what I used to think, that's the attitude of "old" me. But now I'm trying not to be that girl anymore. I'm trying to be in control, to take responsibility for myself. And quite possibly, that's what stressing me out. Looking at this situation through the eyes of "responsible grown-up" Elin. Yes, it's intimidating, isn't it. What's worse is, I'm renting a students apartment, and if you don't actually study, you're not eligible to rent. If they do a checkup, I'll possibly get kicked out. Also, the student loans need to start being paid back if you stop studying - that, plus I don't actally have an income without the student loans. I've been living off my savings so far this term.

Maybe I can start some random class last-minute. I wonder if it's too late for that, though.

I think it's good timing that I started up this project of self improvement. It's helped me open up my eyes already, and even though it's scary as heck to be the one in charge of your life, it's something that everyone has to go through. It's called growing up.

YEAA LET'S DO THIS THING! <-- (less genuine than usual)


EDIT: Or maybe that's not the issue at all. Well ok, it might be some of the issue. But...

What if it's just my body having a natural reaction against this whole project? Being scared. Scared of change, I dunno. Scared of becoming... real. Facing the world, and not hiding in dream land like I have been for a long time. Yeah, that's what it feels like. I feel like I don't exist, almost. And it feels good, and it's comfortable and I love it. Honestly! I always loved not being noticed, to just watch everything and everyone and store them in my memory. Being forced to interact with my environment is something I don't do well. It's different on the internet, although to begin with I was just as prone to hiding from others in the digital world as I was in the real world. But I'm not scared of the internet anymore. Honestly, I think the forest and this community has helped me a lot. Especially the forest. Taking on the persona of Bloo, who is brave and strong, I felt I could be like that too. And I could. Sometimes I think she's who I was when I was about nine years old, before I was crushed by my fear of the world. Maybe she's who I'm supposed to be. I'd like to think that, because I like her.

All I know is, I'm sick and tired of being nothing. I want to be something. I want to be.. just.. normal. And if my guts find that frightening, then they can take a hike! Cause I'm doing this. I'm not going to waste my life being afraid and hiding. I'm gonna get out there and I'm gonna rule the world! YEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!! <-- (more genuine)

Sorry if this is all sounding really dramatic. It is though! It's really dramatic.
For srs.

Tracking!

This is inspiring ~ and in so many ways, familiar...

I have the feeling you will become stronger !! YOU can do it !!! Stay strong and don't get negative thougts get into you . And about the forest you are right , it helped me too to get rid of my shyness and to be more open !! Maybe this will help me in real life too ?
Be strong I think you are .

Wow I'm like all over this blog

"Thought of today: The only reason you're not doing something is that you're not doing it. I always feel like there's this huge threshold I have to get myself over every time I'm going to do something, like get started on essays, cleaning, etc. Like everything has to be perfect and feel right before I can get started. Bullshit! Just do it. It's that easy."

I have this same problem. Something has to be a certain way before I can do something or something has to happen, etc. Although sometimes it is true in my case but most of the time not.

This has inspired me to work on some goals of mine as well. Good luck with everything Gurgy and we're here to cheer you on!

Also, Neem soap? Is that made with Neem oil? If so, it's going to really smell horrible XD

Oura: Thanks so much! I'm really glad you find some inspiration from it, too! Part of the idea was to inspire others, although I chickened out in the end and gave it a rather timid title. xD I think the problem about procrastination is something a lot of people have. It's so easy to say "I'm not feeling it right now" but to be honest, I don't usually end up "feeling it" EVER! It's a hard pattern to break, but in the end you just have to get over yourself. -u-;

I think so, about the soap! At least, it sounds very likely. It doesn't smell bad, though! It just smells like soap, mostly. I actually have a whole bunch of nice natural soaps that should be good for the skin, so I'm trying out each one over a period of time to see what works. The neem soap is quite nice~

Zyzzy: I absolutely do not mind whatsoever!! <3 In fact, I think it's spiffin' great. We'll be fighting buddies! Thanks for the support, and best of luck getting started on yours!

This entry became soooo long, I need to learn how to not write so much! Short version; The day started out bad, but ended with spirits on top.

Woke at 10, feeling quite energetic, actually! Although still with that unsettled feeling of the day before.
Had oatmeal for breakfast (Yay, breakfast!)
Was stressing out badly, so I tried to calm down by doing some perler beading (did Bloo and my stag, they turned out kind of adorable tbh!) but it didn't help. Watched Jack Lalanne, and immidiately felt a lot better, but afterwards the dreary feeling returned. Decided to go running despite the rain - but in the end, it had stopped raining when I got out.
My running was... less than excellent. But that's to be expected, since I didn't do any excercise for what's probably... years? At least I got tired, and that's what counts! So long as you're feeling tired and can feel it in your body, you're doing good, no matter how ridiculously lame your actual running is.

I "ran" into the forest, and there I got distracted by this mysterious path leading up a hillside. So I went up there and started exploring instead. Following another path - very muddy and branches everywhere, I suddenly come face to face with three deer! Two does and a young buck, I think. It was quite a surprise, since I could still hear the sounds of the city and traffic not far away. I would've thought they'd have preferred being deeper into the forest. We stood there staring at each other for a while, but there wasn't really any tension in the air. Just us, there, relaxed in the forest, a casual meeting. They eventually walked off somewhere else, and I didn't follow, although I considered it.

Instead I went back up the hill, and tried to get a glimpse of what they were doing now, but instead I spotted another animal. There was a kitty making it's way across some old tree trunks, leaping across them up and down like it was nothing. It made me think, you may be a cat, but I'm a monkey! I can do that too! So I went to conquer the tree trunks, and I did, albeit clumsily, but then I caught sight of the cat again in the distance, and I called to it. I have a fear of cats, but at the same time, they're cute fluffy animals and so I both want to pet them, and run away screaming and flailing. It practically leapt at me when I called it, but somehow it wasn't scary at all. It kept trying to crawl into my crouched lap and getting itself squished by my poor balance, so I sat down and it went on my lap instantly, curling and tossing its little head around and nibbling on my fingers. It was probably the friendliest cat in the world. I have never been so thoroughly cuddled by a stranger. And she was so cute, because even though she would nibble on my arms and legs, it didn't hurt, it only felt affectionate. Even when she got a little overexcited and decided to attach herself to my arm with claws and fangs, it barely hurt a bit. Maybe I'm not afraid of cats anymore! Not all of them, at least. After lots of cuddling and (me) chattering, she eventually decided to chase some birds, but was sure to give me one last nuzzle before running off.

So I sat on my hilltop, attempted some back strengthening excercises, and then the sun started to come out, so I sat there resting in the almost-sunlight for a while, doing some breathing excercises. My new friend came back for more cuddles. Talk about cheering up! Sun, and nature, and a ridiculously cuddly cat. Eventually, I ran/jogged/walked home, hopped in the shower and to my great remorse accidentally washed a spider down the drain, had lunch at about 4 pm (quite late! shape up!). I had spinach soup and tofu.

My body is feeling pleasantly tired. Maybe I should go out running every day. After all, it's not like I'm doing anything else, now that my essay is screwed. I picked some fluffy catkin branches in the forest (off a FALLEN tree! naturally) and have put them in a big vase on the table.. It looks very nice and reminds me of the cute kitty, which I will henceforth call Coontail because of her pretty raccoon striped tail.

Later, my flatmate arrived with two friends, to have dinner before going out to a party. I didn't know about this, so I was a little taken aback, but it was all good. It doesn't bother me that much, so long as I don't have to be the first to approach. Besides, they weren't really interested in me, they just wanted to get their dinner on. I'd met one of them before, too - a guy who is actually very nice and tends to ramble about video games and anime that I've never heard of.
Later, when we're alone - him doing dishes, me at the computer - I run off into my room, chickening out of conversation, although we already spoke earlier in the evening when the two others were there too. I end up in this big comfy pile of blankets and towels on my floor, that I didn't put in their right places yet, and I almost fall asleep. But then it suddenly dawns on me, this isn't very constructive for my project! It takes a while, but I get out there again, and it's honestly not half awkward - apart from when I put on music and accidentally a Basement Jaxx song with lots of moaning and weird sounds comes on. Either way, he's easy to talk to, and he asks me, so do you ever get out and party? And I'm completely straight with him, telling him my difficulties with social stuff. And I'm really proud of myself for being up-straight about it, not just avoiding the topic like I could, out of feeling embarrassed of myself. Anyway, he says he understands, but that I should come along sometime. I told him thanks, but I probably won't. It's only later that I realize, it would be a very good thing for my project! So maybe I'll take him up on that offer. Or not. I don't know. I really don't like drinking and sweaty strangers and loud music that I can't dance to anyway. I'll have to think about how far I should push myself with this. It's one thing to be more social, but to force an activity on myself that I know very well that I don't enjoy? At-home parties can be nice though. I could do those.

Oh yeah, and I prepared dough for baking bread in the morning - although I lost track of how much flour I had put in, because I was talking to that guy, so I don't know how it will turn out. But still, ACCOMPLISHMENT!

[x]!! Have three meals every day.
[x] Cook at least one meal every day.
[x] Get 15 minutes of sunshine every day.
[x]!! Excercise every day.
[1] Go running at least twice a week.
[-] Apple Cider Vinegar bath once a week. ?
[x] Olive & Castor Oil hair treatments once a week.
[x] Neem soap for the face morning and evening.
[x?]!! Always do what needs to be done right away.
[x] Draw at least one picture every day.
[-] Try out a Raw Food diet
[x] Go to bed at 1AM at the latest
[x] Get up at 10 AM at the latest

To do tomorrow:
Laundry
Flowers
Finding out about raw food

Thought of today: Excercise makes everything better. So does getting out of the house.

Thank you! ^^ Yes, I think you're right. And there's no need to do everything at once. I can go slower and improve my health first.

Thanks for the track Butterbrot I hope I won't annoy you with my rambly entries. ^^U

I thought so too. Like "Is this a sign?" "Is this MAGIC?". Anyway it was great. ^^

Yes, I know that problem really well.. HOW to meet people? Even if I did something like taking a pottery class or something, I'd be too shy to approach anyone there and I'd just feel awkward and miserable. I wish there was some trick to learn on how to make friends. The only way I ever make friends is by either clicking with them from the first moment, or because they refuse to ever get out of my face. ♥

Sounds awful nice~ What in the world is a turkey vulture? It sounds like a creature from hell! O_O Who is your favorite poet? :]

Thank you kindly, and likewise! ^^

I love Mike Oldfield too I am very shy to speak to people and i really would love to know a trick to make it easier for me and you

Turkey vulture
They look kind of like a combination of a turkey and a vulture, I guess. Not too pretty up close, but it's fun watching them soaring in big lazy circles from afar. We have lots around here.

I had an interesting encounter with an animal today, too...while walking back from yoga, a little mockingbird flew down a few feet from me, and we stood looking and cocking our heads at each other for a few moments. Then it flew up into a nearby tree; I followed and we both admired the sunny day for a while. It was like it was trying to tell me, Don't forget to quiet your mind sometimes, and just take in the world around you.

Have you ever tried yoga, Gurgelin?
My favorite poet is Mary Oliver. ^^ Many (though not all) of her poems are about the natural world.

Actually, that bird is kind of adorable! *_*

Don't forget to quiet your mind sometimes, and just take in the world around you.
That is a MOST EXCELLENT thing for a bird to tell you! And what an encounter, it really *does* sound like the bird was telling you that.

I haven't tried yoga! At least, no more than imitating my sister when she once showed me how. I've been thinking about it, though. Would you recommend it? What does it do for you?

Will you read me one of her poems? C:

"ALL THE THINGS"

I lol'd. xD
Man, you were determined. 9 am- 7 pm? I can't convince myself to clean for one hour. If getting one thing done takes too long, the other stuff waits til tomorrow xD And usually by the time everything is cleaned, the first thing I did is already dirty again. I need to get in the habit of just getting everything done now.

I'm sure the diet will be hard on you for the first week or so... like you said, your body adjusts and then detoxes, and you might feel 'blah' for awhile. Keep it up though and there should be crazy benefits!

That said, I'm a doofus. I was gonna give you recipes, but all of it needs to be cooked xD If you still want them though, I'll get 'em for ya.

Woke at 9 AM - dead tired. Snoozed till 10, when I forcd myself to get up, despite still feeling half dead. I wen't to bed early enough - not sure why I'm having this dip in energy. The food again, I guess. I'm a bit out of it. Spacing out constantly.

Oh, last night I began experimenting with sprouting seeds and stuff! So this morning I tended to them. I'm sprouting sesame seeds, red lentils, and flax seed. Sprouts are said to be tons more nutritious than just plain seeds. Also, it appears that part of raw food theory is that you should soak nuts and seeds some hours before eating them - this makes the seed "come alive", believing it's time to start growing - which is when its enzymes and nutrients become most easily available for consumption. (I'm simplifying the actual chemistry, but I don't think anyone cares.)
Anyway, nothing interesting has happened to my sproutlings yet. Maybe I'm doing it wrong.
I tried eating soaked sun flower seeds - they were really a lot more satiating than anything I've been eating so far. I couldn't eat more than half a deciliter before I'd had enough.
It appears neither the nurse or the student councillor are available today. Tomorrow, then. In fact, tomorrow at 11 am for the student councillor. I should think about what I want to ask her.

Anyway, instead doing what I thought I would, I took my bike to this "village" in the forest, where they have lots of farms, and a nice few eco-friendly stores. (I can't believe I was that exhausted from just a bike ride! Shame on me.) I went to the grocery-clothing-everything shop with lots of rare vegan, organic, natural and fair-trade items. Basically everything you could ever dream of wanting is there - unfortunately it costs a fortune. I got some stuff I felt were worth the price - some more seeds for sprouting, some fresh organic vegetables, and most exciting of all: a new shampoo and conditioner! They're both made on hemp and meadowfoam, and should be quite moisturizing. The shampoo I have right now -brown sugar- is nice, but my hair is getting really dry.

In the inner yard before the shops, there were a lot of high school students sitting in the sunshine, eating fruit and playing guitar. It looked nice. Apparently they're going to put up Robin Hood as a play on Friday. I won't go, because there's an entrance fee, but every Sunday there is a free live concert/show at 2 PM and I'm thinking I'll go see them all. The artists seem interesting enough, often folk or blues or experimental.
After my shopping, I sat on a bench in the sunshine. Lovely lovely hot fresh spring sun. The aura of that village is so wonderful... Peace. Maybe I'm fooling myself but I always thought that place was part of a friendlier world than in the city. Not so surprising maybe, since it's centered around an antroposofic school (Waldorf).
I thought about looking for a job there. In one of the shops, or maybe to help out some of the animal farmers. I've never worked before, which is pretty pathetic. I think spending more time in that village would be nice.
But then, I need to study something this term - if it's not too late.

I will do everything I'm supposed to, today. Which leaves: drawing, eating. Sleeping? Yes please

*also wants to steal your plan* May I post similarly?

Thanks Zyzz, yeah that's what I was thinking.

Emily, please DO! Although I think you're doing a great job at living your dream already.. ♥

You're welcome, RRRRT! I'm happy to share. If you have questions, just ask - I have some further information. And thank you kindly. :]

At the student councillor, I was told it's too late to join any class now - at least in the English department. I was also told, that since my study break was (originally) due to sickness, I could write to the governmental student loan thing and explain the reason for my break, (and possibly similarly with the student apartment renty thing?) and they will accept it. Then I will need a doctor's certificate. I'm a little concerned, because the doctors never figured out what's wrong with me, so will they then really be able to give me a certificate?
BUT! I also do have some unfinished classes that I didn't turn in the last assignment for (out of boredom), and if I finish them now - if I'm even allowed to - then it will count as a class I finished THIS term. Then my problem is solved! So I will contact each of the teachers of those classes and see what they say.

I will do it later today, after "lunch", or "GOO" as I like to call it.

Honestly though, the GOO is kind of delicious. Fresh veggies and fruit are super yummy! At least when they're in your mouth - before that, I'm kind of *meh* about the whole thing, and keep thinking of delicious cooked meals that I feel like having.

The raw food people say that the symptoms of "detox" (but I think "readjustment" is a more accurate term) are:
Fatigue
Headaches
Cravings
Irritability

Check, check, check, and check! Apparently most people have their first detox staying at a raw food health center for a week, because it's so easy to cave in if you're doing it on your own. Good thing I'm stubborn as a mule, then! I should add that to my assets.. or is it a flaw?

I stopped by the flower shop at my way back from school. They had so many beautiful colorful things, it was hard to chose! I intended to get only flowery plants, but then came across some wonderful little things that smelled like nature, and I had to get them: thyme and lavendar. I got flowers, too, a bluebell-like thing called a browallia and a daisy-esque cineraria. I like them because they look like the forest - the kind of stuff you could find growing in a meadow. I hope I didn't make a big mistake and buy stuff that are meant to be kept outside, that would be a bummer. They do look very out-doorsy, and when I asked the seller how often to water them he said "depends on the weather".
I'll do my best to take care of them - if they start looking like they're dying, maybe I can take them into the forest and plant them somewhere it won't bother anyone. Wouldn't that be nice, having my own little patch of garden somewhere secluded and hidden in the forest? I don't think you're allowed to, though. I wouldn't want to disturb the natural flora.

They were actuallly selling venus flytraps, too! I was so excited to see them - I thought it would have been difficult to get my hands on one. I didn't get one right now, though, because I know how sensitive they are to touch, and my bags were going to be quite full. Also my kitchen isn't full of flies yet. Hahahaha.

Anjali, so that's why I recognized her name! I knew I had heard it somewhere. Thank you for the link, those poems are really nice ♥ I especially liked the message of Wild Geese. Sleeping in the Forest reminds me a bit of one of my favorite artists. I think you will like it too! Have a listen:



I know there is a yoga class in the forest village.. maybe I will look into it more. I've always been interested in it, but I'm so stingy about the money.

Really? That's awesome!! I think it will make you happy to have flowers in your room! It's one of those things that will really brighten everything, but is often overlooked. Just remember to water them! There is nothing more sad than a room full of dead flowers - which is what I have been living in for a long time.

Yoga is exhausting? That makes me even more interested! I think I really will look into beginning the class!

Thank you so much! ♥ I'm relieved to hear it. I keep thinking no one will read it because it's too much text. I don't want you to feel forced to read, though! Especially if it's bothersome. I just want to personally be able to look back on this and remember what I've been up to.

!!!SOMEWHAT IMPORTANT!!!

I came across a video on why and how it's dangerous for your health to eat meat, milk and eggs, and I thought I would share. This is a hazard regardless of whether or not you're overweight. It's in the form of a doctor holding a lecture.

Please understand that this is not about me pointing fingers or trying to guilt you about anything - this is about your own personal health and how it's put at risk if you have a high consumption of animal fats. I just want to make you aware. I want you all to be healthy and happy!


I realize it's a long video, and honestly I didn't watch all of it myself (but then, I don't need to) but if you would watch the first ten minutes, that would teach you a lot. (Or most interesting, from 3:00 - 12:00~)
There is also a point of interest at 47 minutes and forward, if you're interested in how to substitute proteins, kalciums and so on with vegetabilia. (It's very simple)
The middle part appears to be about statistics of sicknesses caused by animal fats. (I didn't watch this part closely so I don't know, there could be some interesting stuff there too.)

Anyone who is interested in what a vegetarian or vegan diet can be like, or would like advice on how to start one, I will answer all your questions. There's no time limit on this. Ask me whenever!
But first and foremost to just cut down some on those animal substances if you know you're eating a lot of them. There is no need to go all the way if that's a bigger sacrifice than you're willing to make.

Having a mild panic, or on the verge of it. Randomly came across the description of bi-polar/uni-polar... and immediately felt a connection. Long periods of depression, upon periods of happiness, upon periods of more depression? Sounds like me. It also said you're at higher risk if you have schizophrenia in the family - which I have. I am freaking out. I am freaking out.
And the more I read, the worse it gets - my heart is racing and I have this hot burning sensation going up my neck, something I'm familiar with from before, it doesn't mean anything good. I'm not sure how analytical my brain is managing to be at the moment. Mom says reading these things are like reading horoscopes - there'll always be something in it that fits your situation and it's easy to blow that out of proportion (no offense to horoscopes).
It does say, in the case of bi-polar, that you have periods where you're manic and hyperactive, and I don't have those. Except for right now, I've never done much but sit at home. And even now, I have to push myself not to. And deciding to shape up your life shouldn't be a sign of poor mental health, should it? No, I'm not hyper.
Uni-polar then? I don't dare to read...
And then I think, or what if it IS schizophrenia? I do have some trouble stringing a sentence together without tripping over the words, I'm known to be extremely lethargic and emotionally disconnected..
No, wait. Lethargic? In a way, maybe, yes, in the sense that I spend all my time in front of the computer. But I manage to get myself excited over things on the web, right? Except during periods of depression. Emotionally disconnected - yes.. no? I'm both very sensitive and super hard skinned. Which one to chose? And schizophrenia is closely linked with hallucinations and strange ideas, right? Oh right, I do have strange ideas. Are they strange enough, though? Ughhhh. I could drive myself insane with this reasoning. ....Ahahaha. "Insane", huh. Good one, subconscious. Seriously, I need to stop trying to diagnoze myself, when I know it's only causing me harm. I hope I can sleep tonight, without panic attacks.

In other news, I am able to finish at least one of my unfinished classes! I need to take an exam (or rather, write a long essay at home during a short period of time), but I'm not prepared for it at all, and now it seems like my teacher wants to send the exam my way ASAP. So tomorrow is cram-time.
(And I'm still completely out of it.. I can't focus on anything. I won't set the alarm tomorrow, in case I need that rest.)

Sorry for the lack of feedback at the moment. I hope it's ok.
Also sorry for this weird entry of ramble - I'm not proud of it. But I want to keep it here for the sake of not leaving things out.