Thanks, Zyzz.. I know you must be right. Actually, I feel convinced already that I don't have those disorders - what I have is regular depression caused by an unhealthy and uninspiring lifestyle. If you think about it, it's just that much more likely. Yesterday's panic was hopefully brought on by being all that tired and nervous.

((Speaking of which, I thought to get a bit of extra sleep today, but instead I woke at 8:30 when they started running around with really loud leaf blowers just outside my window. Darn them! I shake my fist at yooou!))

I thought it was really cool to hear that you were more healthy on a vegetarian diet! I think that's true. I don't think some meat should be that bad for you, though, at least depending on it's quality. Way back when I ate meat, my meat consumption consisted mainly of steaks and such, with nearly no fat on them, and I had a perfect immune system and everything was working for me (as far as I could tell anyway). I don't think it's the meat itself that's evil, it's all about the animal FAT, and (cannot stress this enough!!!!) PROCESSED stuff, like burgers and pre-prepped meatballs, etc.

Thanks for the calmer-downer and for just being awesome in general. *hugs* <3

Gluhglgbluguhguh. (<----- THIS)

Okay I am slipping in the mud here. I feel like I'm way off track and heading in the direction of FAILURE... but at the same time... NOT, somehow. Because I'm still as determined as ever, I just...! Need to work through this PHYSICAL and very TANGIBLE lack of energy, that was NOT there before. I am WEAK, I am PATHETIC, but as soon as I finish up what I was doing here with the diet change, I'm going to put my game face back on. Oh yes.

So today, and yesterday, I've been sort of uselessly sitting at home. I've done my eating and my sleeping and my excersising (although I was exhausted after just a little bit and couldn't/wouldn't go on!) and I've sort of gotten my sunshine. But beyond that, I've been zoning out into drama series and reality shows and god knows what.

I do feel a little better today, though. In a better mood, definately, I'm not feeling all grumpy and irritable like I have been. And I'm less fatigued, but my head is still not all there. A thing I've noticed though - did the world use to be this colorful? I'm not sure but my eyes seem sharper, and the colors are more vivid. Or am I just tripping? I must be. But wherever I look, the colors are like, BAM! BAM! BAM! Here we are and we're all completely different from each other! Aren't we pretty?

.....Yeahhhhhhhh okay.

In other news, THERE'S A HOLE WITHIN MY SOLE! (courtesy of

(I used to watch this 500 times a day when I was a little girly! I have recently found out that the end was not a sad one like you might expect <3)

But yes, there is literally A BIG HOLE in my shoe. I was walking earlier today, and I was like, ow, there is a pebble in my shoe... *stop and shake shoe* HMM? *nothing comes out* Oh, what the? I was sure there was something. Oh well... *walk on* FREAKING OWWW... Oh, what's this? OHH SO I WAS WALKING ON THE PEBBLES ON THE GROUND BECAUSE THERE IS NO BOTTOM IN MY SHOE. DUHHH. xD
I'm sad that my shoes are that worn down! I really like them. I had plans on getting new ones that were so awesome, but now it seems they have stopped selling them.


P.S. Re:Shii ->>> (Dusty, why you a robot?)

Awww! Thank you for worrying about me, you are so sweet. <3 Don't worry though, if I feel it gets really bad I will stop at once. So far, it's not that bad, and it was kind of what I expected to happen. It will get better soon, hopefully... Or I'll have to re-think what I'll do!

You're right, I hadn't thought about calories! Now that I think about it, I have no idea where to get them in raw vegetables... I'll have to research this! Thanks!

And you're right I might be doing things to fast... With me, I have to either do something all the way, or I will end up not doing it at all... I don't know how to be in between and do things at a normal pace... I have to practice that too.

Thank you for the offer.. I will definately take you up on that if I need to talk. You know you can do the same, right! <3

I wonder if honey would be acceptable to your diet?
The local honey at our good food store is amazing. I can't eat carbohydrates very often because they make me feel ill, but the sugar in honey doesn't cause me problems. Maybe fruits like pineapple, pear, and apple as they have a lot of natural sugar to them.

I have been neglecting my daily posting duties! Bad me.

To get back to what I spoke of last - calories. My mom says the whole theory about calories isn't necessarily accurate. It was the theory from almost a hundred years ago, that's kind of got stuck in people's mindsets. What is important, however, is of course getting enough energy to go around. If there is no energy or fat to burn, the body will start breaking down muscle tissue! I definately don't want that, I'm trying to BUILD muscle here. Buuut~ I think I'll be able to notice it myself if I need more energy, simply by feeling tired or sluggish. So that's the theory; keep going like this, and just make sure to eat when hungry or having low-energy.

So my first raw week has passed - although I did cheat a few times (mindfully, though!). I can't say I feel a great big difference to be honest, but that might be because I was already a vegan who ate all organic foods. The difference between cooking and non-cooking might not be all that huge. I do, however, feel like a human being again, and not like a zombie. There's no clairvoyance though, rather, my head still feels sluggish. I haven't lost weight, which is a pleasant surprise! Perhaps I've even gained some muscle. My skin is starting to look quite clear and smooth, and despite having a few breakouts some days ago, they healed very fast and are gone now. I don't know whether to attribute this to the food (raw food is said to do wonders for the skin), or to all the other stuff I've been doing, but it's enough to make me want to stick with this diet until my skin has completely cleared up. And then start weening back into things to see what might cause an outbreak!

However, since Sunday, I've been having more cooked stuff - like, some cooked wild rice for my sushi, some moderately fried mushrooms for my salad, etc. I'm not sure, but I think eating cooked foods makes me irritable now, and it never used to back when cooked food was all I ate, so I dunno what the heck is going on. Maybe my stomach simply doesn't like adjusting to different things. I will keep observing.

On Sunday, I was in Stockholm to see my sister's choir perform Bach's Mass in B-minor. It was quite nice. The church was a beautiful sandy white with a great big arch at the front-middle, and at the top of the arch the colors shifted very gently from sandy white into a pale almost-there rainbow. A very soft light moved through the church's windows as time and the sun progressed, touching the faces of the audience. The orchestra had amazing medieval instruments, like these incredibly long elegant trumpets with no that had such a clear ringing sound. The choir wasn't all that, though. Granted, it was an insanely difficult piece.

In a few hours, I'm going to my family's country house for easter. It will be so nice seeing my family! And my dogggggg <3 There's no internet there, so you won't be hearing from me in about a week. I intend to get plenty of sunshine and fresh air while there! Also I'm going to study if I can find the time and some peace and quiet. I will probably be eating more cooked stuff, too. Not sure, yet.

So, happy easter to everyone! TC&TTYL! :B

Why hello!
No, I am not dead! I'm not even unwell. :]

I spent the easter week with my family in our cottage, and it was grrrreat, it was warm and sunny just like summer and I was out in the sun basically from dawn till dusk every day. We even took a dip in the lake - and it WAS cold, but not as bad as you might think. I even did it twice! Last easter there was still snow and ice on the banks of the lake, but my sisters still went for it. I didn't because I'm not insane (I'm a chicken). And naturally, as is the case when three vegans get together, there was a lot of cooking and delicious food. Not raw, unfortunately, so I've set myself back in that aspect, I guess. But it was worth it! Vegan easter buffet is so the best thing in the world, it can't be passed up.

After easter, I had apparently made a deal with my parents that I would stay another week and babysit the dog, which I had kind of forgotten about, but it all worked out and I was happy to hang out with my cute evil doggie anyway. I got back home days ago but I didn't write an entry until now, because.. well I've been slacking off I guess, and thus with no progress it has felt kind of pointless to write.. when really all I've been doing is sit in front of the computer like I used to. I'm not sure how it happened but while doggie-sitting I tried out this new mmorpg called Allods online... UGH D: I should really not go there. But it's kind of fun! They have a race called gibberlings which kind of look like ewoks and travel in groups of three and they are SUPER ADORABLE it makes me cry. xD

Brin is the archer, Brenda carries the shield and keeps an eye on incoming blows, and Bronks handles the weapons.

And I somehow got pulled into this really awesome guild full of other really nice and friendly gibberling players and we all get together to play hide and seek, and it's just cute beyond words. But I know I need to stop doing this because not only is it a massive display of reverse progress, but my exam is actually happening RIGHT NOW and I need to do it! I have until Friday to finish it.

So I'm deciding that today I will do all of the questions that I can do without the school library. There, it's decided! Good. I haven't been feeling the motivation yet - it makes it easier if I write it here.

Oh, and what helped me get back on track today was watching mr. Jack Lalanne (which I had not been doing for a while). He had a particular piece of wisdom to share with me today which kind of stuck in my head. He said something like this: "The key to success lies in three simple letters: T - R - Y. If you try and keep on trying, you WILL reach your goal. And when you try, you will reveal T(he) - R(eal) - Y(ou)."
...Well okay I can't really say it like he did and I just make it sound cheesy. But it made me happy and put me back on track, because that was kind of what was my original thought for trying to change.

It's been such a long time since I wrote here that a lot of stuff has happened... I'm not sure if I can or should cover it all. Something of importance though - I have gotten started working on a children's book. Which is really surprising to me, because it was more of a longterm goal that I thought I would do sometime off in the future, a "before I die" kind of thing. But I started talking with my sister about it and we thought up an idea that I really love, and which touches on random thoughts and ideas I've had in the past as well. It would be a pretty dark setting for a children's book, but kids like that.. don't they? At least I did, but hey I'm a weirdo. I don't wanna reveal the story, I guess because I do have at least a mild amount of ambition for this project and it makes me nervous to have it on display. But I think I'm going to need to bug SOMEONE about it for opinions and such.

Ok. This has been another rambling enty brought to you by: Yours truly.

PS. No, I think it's not just me being weirdo. Looking at classic My Little Pony and Rainbow Brite and other such cartoons, those things were full of darkness and the fight against it. It's only these days that there is a general lack of real emotions of fear and bravery in children's shows. (In my opinion.)