22 August, 2017

The first half of the day was uneventful. I spent some time hanging around Umay, too afraid to approach while she was in the company of Nikhil, until eventually growing bored and wandering off to pray at the twin gods' statues. After a carefully recited prayer, I plopped down and stretched out, laying over on my side beneath the shade of the ancient statues.

Crescent found me there, and I spent some time rolling around in his soft fur and mostly being half-asleep, until little Ahn approached and caught my attention. I got up and said hello to her, after which we talked a little about Walter and then I shared the news of my pregnancy. She seemed genuinely excited about the prospect of little Lemons running around. It ended on a positive note, with the two of us curled up cuddling together.

It wasn't long before I heard her footsteps.

Kaoori.

Kaoori was in bright spirits, which only made my heart hurt all the more for the conversation that lay ahead of us. She covered me in peacock feathers and giggled, running circles around me while I tried to play along and savor these last sweet moments. Finally, panting and exhausted, we curled up together. It was time to talk.

We spoke first about Malikorin and my hesitance to come near him lately. She helped cement my thinking that it had really been a big misunderstanding -- a matter of wrong place, wrong time. I'm glad I hadn't spoken to him, yet. My initial feelings of betrayal had turned to anger, but it has gradually turned to understanding and acceptance, now.

Finally, I said the words out loud.

It took a moment for her to answer, as if the news had stunned her. Then, her voice tight and struggling to remain level, she said, "Oh, Lemon... I'm.. I'm.. " She pressed her nose to my shoulder. "Congratulations. I'm happy for you."

"Kaoori," I whispered, reaching for her like a child. "You can be honest with me. We both know this news isn't... It's not normal circumstances. I know that."

"I can only hope the child will be like you, " she said shakily. "Please forgive me, we should be happier about this, but considering the situation, I just... I can't be. I need time. I can't leave you alone, but I need some time alone. I promise I won't let you deal with this alone, but I need to breathe and gather my thoughts. I'm sorry, Lemon.. I truly am."

"No, of course. I'll be fine. I've got Ahn here for now, and plenty of friends to rely on otherwise. I'm sorry, Kaoori. I never wanted to hurt you."

Her final words to me were the most revealing of Kaoori's true character. Turning to me before she left, she did not tell me she hated me, she didn't wish any sort of bad fortune for the future child. Instead, she said softly, "I know. You can't help who you love."

After she left, I crumpled into a mess of tears, which I thought would surely spoil the nice impression I had been carefully cultivating with Ahn. But Ahn snuggled up close to me, wrapping me in her big feline paws, and pressed me into a comforting hug. "Will com 'round," she said in her strange lilting way. "Cry strong. Sun still rises." And despite everything, as I laid curled like a little child in her arms, I smiled.

The sun will still rise, tomorrow. Life will go on. Kaoori is strong, she will be able to overcome this. Whether or not she can forgive me is another matter, but at the very least I can sleep tonight knowing she will be okay. I really believe she will be.

...I hope she will be.



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21 August, 2017

I laid beside Atiq, our sides touching, as I hummed a little song softly under my breath. Nawfar was sprawled out a little ways away, taking a very brief respite from play. The day was warm, blissful, perfectly serene. I haven't felt movement in my belly yet, but I think that's probably normal. I think. I wish there was someone I could talk to about this. Briefly, Liathe's invitation runs through my mind... but I don't know if I have the courage to visit her. I should be able to speak to Kaoori about these things, which I'm sure she's all too familiar with. But I haven't been able to speak with her, yet. She doesn't even know... I hope it won't break her heart.

In fact, almost no one knows. It's still early, but... it's hard to believe I've kept as quiet about this as I have. My initial excitement has given way to hesitance and uncertainty. What if someone decides they ought to snuff out the spawn of a demon gazelle before it can draw breath? I curl my body around tighter at the thought, my humming fading away to silence. I suppose all new mothers must fear for their young ones, especially at a time when things are so fragile.

Nawfar got up again, ready for another round of romping, and I rose to my feet with a grin. Atiq followed suit, and the three of us went dancing through the forest. We ended up in the birch forest, making each other laugh by poking our heads and rear-ends through trees. Somewhere in this whirlwind of happiness, I caught sight of Kaoori's pictogram. Immediately I stood alert, ready to move in her direction. But she headed straight for Malikorin, and I felt my frustration growing.

It took some time before I gathered the courage to approach the two of them. I understand why Malikorin did what he did, but his presence still sends a chill through me, the same reaction I have when I'm near anyone from that day. My hair stands on end and my heart starts racing, my breathing gets heavy, and I start to sweat. As the days pass, the reaction fades -- but it's still there, for now.

I approached hesitantly, calling softly to Kaoori. I didn't know what to say to Malikorin, so I said nothing at all. I told Kaoori I needed to speak with her soon, and she said she would find me later on. I nodded and backed away after giving her a gentle touch, returning to Atiq and Nawfar.

I'm full of anticipation and dread for this conversation with Kaoori -- the second of its kind in as many months. I wonder just how far I can push her before she turns from me. I don't think there's much more I can do aside from attack her myself. Sometimes it feels like I have. Like I was right there with him, doing nothing to stop him. But the truth is almost worse. I wasn't there at all. I was somewhere else, blissfully unaware that she was suffering the darkest moment of her life at the hands of my lover. And I wasn't there.

I understand better than most the details of what happened, and that has helped to ease my concience. But there are still nights I wake up in a cold sweat, thrashing my legs, with tears on my cheeks. Nothing can ever fix what happened. Only the knowledge that it won't happen again lets me finally drift back to sleep.

Dear little one, I'm sorry for the mess you will be born into. But know that you are already loved dearly, treasured by both parents. We are both excited for you to be here, we will do our best to keep you safe and happy.

Maybe that won't always be enough.



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14 August, 2017

And from this darkness of my heart shines a light.

I ventured out of the forest, today. I spent several hours chugging water and apple juice, just so I could take those stupid tests. At the end of it all, I sat on the floor with them all spread out in front of me, just looking at all the double lines and plus signs, thanking the gods I can see a little while in my human form, because I'd never have believed it if I hadn't seen it with my own two eyes.

Pregnant.

Pregnant.

The child of a demon gazelle and a silly little girl dumb enough to fall in love with him. A father many would not hesitate to label a monster, scum of the earth. A mother seen by some as weak and pitiful, taken advantage of at every turn, a perpetual victim.

What a mess.

What a terrible, completely ridiculous, incomprehensible mess.

And yet, as I stared down at those little white strips of plastic, I started to laugh. Nothing maniacal, I hadn't quite lost my mind yet. Just this... happy, breathy sort of chuckle. And slowly my doubts and fears ebbed away, replaced by hope and love and excitement.

Because this child will also be the child of a great legacy and the woman who dared to stand beside him, against the advice of many. A father who is anything but the soulless monsters some like to think of him as. A father who is gentle and kind to those he loves, fiercly protective and violently passionate when given the chance. A mother who, despite everything, can never shed the happy light that shines from her soul.

A mother who has longed for this moment for centuries.

Aeons.

How long have I lived, having never known the joy of bringing new life into the world? For so long I've sheltered fawns and other young ones outside of the forest, scooped up those abandoned by their real parents and gathered them against me like a brooding hen. But never have I had one of my own to care for, never have I had a living creature alive inside of me, safe within my womb, growing stronger by the day, a whole world of possibilities yet to unravel.

I placed my hands on my belly -- still as flat as it'd ever been, but somehow warmer and full with life -- and I closed my eyes, trying to wrap my head around the idea. I was grinning, nearly ear to ear, just sitting there in my room with all of those stupid tests laid out in front of me like some kind of shrine.

This was it. This was real.

After a moment I opened my eyes and turned my head toward my mask, hanging near the front door of my apartment. There was one more thing I had to do before I could rest easy. Only one other person in the world whose opinion on this mattered to me, at the moment.

I grabbed my mask and vanished in a haze of purple smoke, sliding through the seemingly endless void as I travelled through countless dimensions, back to the forest. Before my feet even hit the earth I was running like an arrow loosed. I found him in his usual spot, and nearly gave him a heart attack with how hard and fast I came at him. I collided with him and buried my face against him, stuttering and babbling about things that made no sense to the poor man. He touched me gently, drawing me into his embrace, where I felt the comfortable press of our chests fitting together, and he asked what was wrong. I could feel the strain of his rigid muscles as he anticipated some mundane act of violence that had befallen me, and I had to assure him that this was not the case. After he had relaxed a little, I tried to explain the day's events, only to fail miserably. In the end, I blurted it out in the most pathetic display of excitement and fear and anticipation.

"I'm pregnant."

I could tell it shook him to his core, but perhaps the most chilling bit about all of this was his immediate response. A calm, level-headed inquery, as if asking about the welfare of a distant relative.

"Pregnant." He repeated the word, almost coldly. ".. Are you certain?"

"It's not supposed to be possible," I breathed, feeling the world sway beneath me again. "But I'm as sure as I'll ever be."

By then I was laughing again, growing delirious in my disbelief, my heart racing. He kept me in suspense for several long moments, while I tried my best to keep from saying 'oh my god' over and over like an imbicile. Finally, he blessed me with his words, spoken with the faintest of smiles.

"I'm glad. I will be here. I will keep you safe. Both of you."

He drew me into a deeper embrace, curling himself tightly around me, shuddering in that small way I've come to know as his only real way of displaying positive emotions. I burrowed my face against him, my face bright with love and excitement. He pulled back and pressed his forehead gently to mine, and the moment was perfect in its softness, its sweetness.

I lifted my face to him and kissed him, breaking away only because I was laughing and crying and just completely lost in my powerful emotions.

But reality would set in for both of us, right around the same time, and we both sombered up quite quickly.

"This-.. Our child.. Will be of my blood. Its birthright may be its own downfall and I do not know if I could bear that guilt." He softly kissed my forehead again, his warm breath against my fur. "Do not mistake me - I want this just as much as you.. But I fear for its future. Our future."

"No, it's not going to be easy," I said softly. "But I think we'll be okay. ...All three of us. Or maybe we will fail terribly, crash and burn and set our lives on fire. But I want to try." I grinned at him, my tail wiggling. In that moment I could have taken on the entire world.



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13 August, 2017

I've been feeling ill, throwing up most of what I eat. It's pretty bad. I had some herbs to soothe the nausea and slept most of the day away.

When I woke, I was feeling better. But I've noticed something strange about myself lately, and I've started having suspicions. There's a faint glow in my belly I've noticed, similar to what I see with other living beings. Something outside my own usual soul glow. It's very faint, but...

Could it really be?

No, surely not. Not after all these years.

I might need to make a quick trip to the human world for an expert's opinion.

As if on cue, Pagan arrived in the midst of this contemplation. I asked her if she had any experience confirming pregnancies, which of course, surprised her.

"Perhaps. Are you...looking to confirm for someone else, or...?"

"Uhm... Not... exactly."

She told me she could do something, if I would simply follow her to the stream.

[and THE MOST AWKWARD RP EVER FOLLOWED, THANKS PUMPKINSEED ilu]

After employing some... rather unsavory methods, she told me she thought it quite likely that I was pregnant. I promptly proceeded to faint.



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12 August, 2017

A quiet day with my daughter, quite easy as far as days go.

It started near the ruins, where Sayuri sleeps. I heard her shuffling around and went to her, finding a sleeping stag lying in her usual spot. I showed her he was okay (although I didn't know the guy, I figure there'll be no use teaching her to be afraid of strangers), and nodded in approval when she went up and gave him a careful sniff-over.

After that, I decided to show her the pit in the ruins. I don't know for certain, but I'm very afraid she might be blind. I asked Kaoori to have a look for me and let me know, but I haven't had a chance to speak with her since that night. Until then, I've started noticing a peculiar habit of Sayuri's in which she shuffles and taps her feet as if feeling for an edge or trying to make sure the ground in front of her is stable. Maybe just my new-mom paranoia, or maybe it really is something. I'll have to speak with Cyda about it...

Anyway, I showed her how to get into the pit safely. Once again, I think teaching her to be afraid will do her no good. I'd much rather show her the safe way to explore it, under the assumption that once she becomes more mobile she will be poking around the area anyway. She didn't seem to like it, but she was able to get in and out without a problem, so that put me at ease a little.

After that we explored the ruins a little more, climbing over the ancient rocks and carefully moving along some of the walls. I was nervous having her up so high, but if she really is blind I'd like her to be familiar with her surroundings intimately. It might save her life one day when she needs to make a quick escape. While I like to dream of days long past when a child was relatively safe, I now know that dangers lurk in every shadow. My protective instinct has been going into overdrive.

After successfully dismounting from one of the taller walls, I carefully guided her over to a nearby patch of flowers. She was slow and hesitant -- I know she's rarely moved very far from the ruins since her mother's death a few weeks ago -- but she made it. I was able to show her the butterflies, much to her amazement. I think she really liked that.

After that I settled down beside her and tried to get her to say 'mama', which she was eventually successful in doing! I'll have to tease Cyda about that later, I have a feeling she hasn't been able to get her to say it, yet.




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10 August, 2017

This morning I went on a quick trip to the human world for a much-needed replenishing of my personal inventory, including a selection of pretty veils to replace my feathers. I brought back more stuff than I probably should have, and I plan on giving almost all of it away.

Ba curled up with me at the playground for the majority of the day, and we lay sleeping side by side with our faces together for a long time. When I woke and she was gone, I stepped out to begin my mission of delivering goodies.

First stop was to Nikhil, where I offered him and his family a basket of muffins as a sort of peace offering and apology. He seemed happy enough with the gesture, and was quite kind to me. The next stop was to Llyr, to drop off a packet of "special" baked goods for her, which she was quite appreciative of.

After that I took a quick bath before heading over to the playground to lay in the sun and dry off. I was dimly aware of a stranger approaching and settling nearby, along with Kaoori pacing around nervously just in the distance. I wasn't sure what was going on, but when I got up to go over to her, I was caught by the familiar scent of Malikorin, and began feeling agitated. Kaoori soon joined Malikorin and the two of them retired to his trees, which upset me far more than I'm willing to admit. I paced the forest for a good while, on the edge of a panic attack, until finally I let my nerves get the best of me. I went on a small rampage through the forest, beating up trees and growling in frustration, before finally collapsing in my poppies to cry and sleep.



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9 August, 2017

[ omg this day ]

The day started easily enough, with me mostly laying around in the poppies. I would check on Nishi now and then as he slept, content to see he was being kept safe and out of harm's way. Late afternoon I was approached by an unfamiliar creature, and I nearly didn't notice them at all given that they had no footsteps. In fact, I was quite startled to realize they were not touching the earth at all, but floating blissfully in front of me.

The creature was a fox-like child with a good sense of humor, who told me he could make me float too if I had something to offer. I thought for a moment, and then decided I'd offer the little one my feathers. He took me up on the offer and proceeded to sprinkle me with some sort of dust. Much to my astonishment, I began to float right then and there. I nearly injured myself trying to get my bearings. But eventually I got the hang of it, and I dutifully shared my feathers with him.

That was about when Walter showed up. After a brief grunt of acknowledgement toward the child, he wandered over to try and flirt up a nearby doe. It wasn't long before Rhea and Fletcher took notice of this and came over to keep an eye on Walter. I stayed with Foxtrot, tense, waiting for the situation to diffuse. Walter grew bored and took off in another direction after a while, Foxtrot and I chasing after him. Fletcher and Nikhil followed us as well, pointedly watching our every move.

It was around then that I heard Sayuri stirring nearby, and I went to comfort my little one. Walter hadn't met her yet, but I already knew he would like the little darling. Nikhil seemed to grow curious of Sayuri and came to sniff her over, as well. He came quite close to Walter to do this, and I felt myself immediately tense up as I anticipated a brawl of some sort. I put myself between Nikhil and Sayuri for a moment, instinctively moving to protect her. But I remembered his previous kindness to Nishi, and after a moment's consideration I felt comfortable enough letting him say hello. I stepped back, giving him space, but he was quick to lose interest and move away.

Cydae came to join us, and the bunch of us sat together for some time. It was perfect and peaceful, the lot of us all snuggling up together -- although I do think Walter let slip a few cursewords, and Sayuri was blissfully shouting them out after him. It's going to be difficult to train her out of that one.

Sometime later that night I was excited to notice Kaoori milling around nearby. I got up to greet her affectionately, inviting her over to sit with Cydae and I. After some rather awkward introductions wherein I introduced Cydae as the doe I'm raising a child with, Kaoori and I got to talking -- for the first time since I'd told her about Walter, really. In fact, it occurred to me that she didn't even know about Nishi. Had it really been that long since we'd talked? It seems like forever ago that we became a family.

Kaoori brought over some strawberries to share. Ah, it's been so long since I've had strawberries, they were delicious. She gave me a few extra, I want Sayuri and Nishi to try them. We chatted a bit about Sayuri, while we ate. She told me she thought I would be a good mother, and that I would no doubt keep them safe, which I deeply appreciated. It's nice to hear those words. I've been feeling a little nervous about my abilities as a mother, lately. I try to do what's right, but it isn't always easy. Sayuri is quite happy, but she's still just a newborn, her needs are easily taken care of. Nishi I'm not so sure of. He's a quiet little thing, so shy and so easily upset. I like to think he's happy, especially when we're sitting together quietly, cuddling. But can I ever really be sure?



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7 August, 2017

Laying in my poppies, musing about last night's conversation, I became aware of tiny footsteps behind me. One ear flicked lazily back, and I eventually turned my head to acknowledge the little fawn that had come creeping up. A welcoming smile crossed my face, and I shuffled a little closer to the young one. We sat for some time before I noticed Walter hanging around. I got up from the child and gave him a little touch on the head before turning to meet Walter. He was dozing near Run's memorial, sleepy and peaceful. I settled down beside him, casting a curious glance about as I realized we were not alone. Liathe and Fletcher had come over, Fletcher settling near us and Liathe going to the young one I had been sitting with. I knew very well what they were up to, but I wasn't going to let it bother me, today. Let them suck their teeth and pretend I'm a monster, I don't care anymore. I focused on enjoying being with Walter, closing my eyes and listening to the sound of his deep breaths as he slept.

After a while, little Ahn came to sit with me. I considered speaking to her about Walter, but again I decided to leave it alone. When Walter began to stir, she seemed to take quite a fright and bolted, which of course sent Fletcher darting in. I simply stood and blinked at the dragon as he rushed past and escorted Ahn away, offering him little more than a pleasant smile before turning back to Walter. Walter, of course, started getting antsy about the whole ordeal, and I could already feel the wheels turning in his mind as he stared after his granddaughter.

But he grew bored of the whole thing, and soon took off for a more peaceful location. I followed, moving easily in step by his side, enjoying the long grass brushing against my legs as I trotted through the serene forest. There was only the sound of our steps against the soft earth, and the birds whispering overhead. I smiled, tilting my face to the sun, feeling its warmth against my skin. Days like these I am happy just to be alive.

We ended up quite close to Jude's tree, and I whole-heartedly believe Walter would have walked right over had I not stopped him. He assured me he hadn't intended to get too close, but I'm not sure whether I believe him. Despite all his talk, I do think there's a part of him that gets a thrill out of being the bad guy. Something in him just can't help but marvel at the fear he inspires. I think it's his way of coping with the loneliness of it all -- embracing it, grabbing hold of it.

We turned toward the pond, our hips and shoulders touching now and then as we walked side by side. So many nights I've longed for the rough feel of his coat, the warmth of his skin. I nudged him playfully and dashed away, circling around in an attempt to knock my head against his rump. He laughed and chased after me, caught somewhere in between adoration and annoyance. We had a little tousle, I couldn't help but laugh like a child while I spun and nudged and dashed away.

He lead me over to the playground and sat me down in a patch of blueberries, telling me to stay put. I was nervous for a moment as he quickly disappeared, and I strained to listen for signs of trouble. But he was soon back with antlers full of poppies, and as he knelt to offer them to me, I gasped and shook my head. "Thank you," I whispered, my heart beating fast as I buried my face in the blossoms and pulled a few of them loose.

It wasn't long before we were dancing through the forest again, nudging and bumping each other playfully. I kept trying to butt my head against his rump, which thoroughly confused and annoyed him, much to my own delight. I was dancing away from his gently prodding antlers when I nearly ran right into Nikhil and Shardul, and immediately my laughter cut short.

Dead silence. My face paled, ears falling back, and the world went still. I could almost hear the hairs on Walter's neck standing up straight. The tension was palpable. Nikhil spat at Walter, and I could hear that sharp intake of Walter's raspy breath that I had come to know so well. But he knew as well as I did that it wasn't worth it. I took a few steps back, my heart in my throat, an after a moment, Walter turned and walked slowly away with me. Nikhil made a bluff charge at us, and I heard the deep rumble of Walter's growl, his annoyance rising like flames from his chest. And then, Walter was looming over me, crushing me beneath his rough kiss. I knew he was only doing it to piss off Nikhil and Shardul, but it sent a shiver through me nevertheless. I closed my eyes and wilted beneath him, my lips meeting his all-too-eagerly. At long last he broke away and sent a daggered stare at the two males who were still milling around nearby, before nudging me on toward Run's sunspot.

After he fell asleep, I wandered toward the pond in search of friends. I found Crescent and Ahn having a mock fight, and I settled down beside a tree, out of their way. I wanted to speak with Ahn about the day's events, but I didn't want to disturb the two of them. The longer I sat there, the more I began to feel like I was intruding on them -- so after a while I quietly got up and left, seeking out a quiet spot to sit by myself for a while. I must have dozed off, because I woken to the sound of Pagan attempting to turn me into a peacock (the girl is obsessed). I got up and gave her a good stern look, but I couldn't hold it for very long before a smile cracked through and I started laughing.

The two of us settled down together, cuddling close. She buried her face in my feathers and asked about my boy, which I was all too happy to tell her about. It wasn't long before I was snoozing again, resting my head against her and smiling in my sleep.



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6 August, 2017

I wandered the forest alone, feeling particularly vulnerable and lonely. It feels like I'm walking on eggshells wherever I go, these days. Every step is calculated, every move I make is thought out. I'm exhausted, to tell you the truth. It's tiring, being on edge so often. It would be easier if I wasn't on my own so much of the time. I doubt anyone will seek me out specifically to hurt me -- I don't think anyone cares that much. But the risk of pissing someone off by crossing too close to a loved one is real.

So when I found Llyr, I was relieved. I felt my body physically uncoil from itself as I approached her, the tension in my muscles sliding away. She shared a jar of her mead with me, which I deeply appreciated. We talked for a little while about other lives, and I almost laughed thinking of it all. How small the forest is, compared to the vast expanse of infinity. I could travel anywhere, meet anyone. And yet, I'm so wrapped up in this little web. Such is the way of all living creatures, I'm afraid. Our minds can't handle the idea of forever. We focus on the little details so we aren't swallowed up by the immensity of the whole. In the end, none of it matters. I was a spirit once before, I will one day return. But for now, these little things seem to matter quite a lot.

We were joined by Ahn after some time. I've noticed her poking around for a while now, but we haven't really had a chance to do more than introduce ourselves. I want to speak with her, but a warning from Ku keeps popping up in my mind, and I lose my nerve. 'Stay away from all felines,' he'd said. But surely this sweet-tempered little creature would be an exception... I can't help the morbid curiosity that burns in me. I want to know Walter's family, the good and the bad. It's impossible for me to stay away. I cannot keep separate.

Some hours passed with the three of us. We got up for a bit and I drunkenly danced around a stranger, having completely lost all inhibitions thanks to Llyr's supply of alcohol. She's going to turn me into an utter booze-hound at this rate. Crescent joined us and I leaned against him in my drunken stupor and proceeded to zone out for another hour or two. By the time I started rallying, I recognized Nishi off at the playground, and I immediately went to go get him.

He was hiding under a rock when I found him, evidently feeling a little shy. I gathered him up against me and we just sat there cuddling for a while, until I was startled by the approach of Nikhil. I got up, nervously positioning myself between he and Nishi, but Nikhil was calm and didn't seem to be in a hurry to kick my ass.

We had a talk about Pagan and Halla, in which I admitted I was thankful for what Pagan had done, even if it wasn't something I might have wanted her to do specifically. He tried to explain a little of what had caused Halla's actions that day, illuminating further what I had already known about her. I understand now what happened. It was all an unfortunate culmination of a lot of poor choices and mistakes all around, or at least that's what I choose to believe.

It's regrettable that this conversation happened in front of Nishi, as I now have to explain things to him that I had hoped to keep hidden. I'll have to explain Pagan's actions, and have a discussion about right and wrong. I wouldn't mind if he wasn't so young. He's hardly a tot, not ready for these types of situations. But it's unavoidable, I guess. At least, it is now.

One other part of our conversation bothered me, I will admit. He said the things Walter had threatened were too evil to ignore, and turned the table around on me, mentioning specifically that I might understand if such things were threatened toward me or my son. I know he was only trying to get me to understand his side of things, but his words sent a chill through me. I know I have to tell Walter about the encounter, but I'm afraid of what will happen if I do.



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3 & 4 August, 2017

I'll always love the rain. For some it brings only bad memories, but for me it only brings bliss.

I spent most of the morning alone in the poppies, enjoying the sound of it. Eventually I was invited to sit with Llyr for a while, beneath her cloak. I curled up with her for a while, staying warm and dry and enjoying her company. Some hours passed, and I began to feel that familiar itch in my legs. I gave Llyr a loving nudge and went for a quick run in the rain.

Halfway through my run, I came across Crescent. He was in a bit of a dreary mood, but I wasn't sure what was bothering him. I kept him company for a while, until he really started losing it and went rampaging through the forest. I followed him, unsure of how to help him. He was thrashing and kicking, tearing up the earth and trying to shake loose from something. I got distracted at one point by a fawn who invited me to dance, and I couldn't turn the poor darling down despite the worry I was feeling for Crescent.

By the time Crescent found me again, he had calmed down quite a bit. We curled up together and had a long discussion about the darkness he struggled with, and he told me there would be a way to get my sight back aside from a physical connection, which I had previously told him was not an option since I am with Walter. He told me that absent a physical connection, he could give me my sight back at the cost of suffering more darkness. I told him I couldn't pay that price, knowing that he was already struggling with it.

Today I was pleased to find that Walter and Atiq had somehow found one another, and were entertaining a parcel of fawns. The three of us spent some time together, until Walter started muttering about Halla being nearby. I tried to keep his mind occupied, but it wasn't long before he trotted off in her direction. I got ahead of him and pushed him back, telling him it wasn't worth it. He said it wasn't so much the conflict he minded, but the fact that I'd been caught up in it and had paid the price. But he seemed to understand that it would be a mistake to go making more trouble, and eventually he turned and walked away.

I let out a sigh of relief and followed him to the ruins. Walter sat at Hoshiko's grave for a while, while Atiq and I continued to play with fawns nearby. Halla came skulking around after a while, no doubt hoping to bait Walter into another conflict so that she could justify her earlier aggression. But we ignored her, and eventually she moved off.

The rest of the day was spent in peace, napping beside Atiq for a while before being joined by Crescent and Llyr.



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2 August, 2017

Nishi, poor Nishi.

My little darling is having difficulty wrapping his head around these recent events, and he's been a bit out of sorts. I know the day will come when I'll have to explain things to him, and I dread that day. But this is almost worse, this period of time where he's too young to understand the details, but old enough to recognize the conflict and pain surrounding his ma and da. I can't explain the guilt I feel, knowing I've involved him in all of this.

But there is no going back now. We are a family, for better or worse, small and damaged though we may be.

There is love here, greater than most can understand. And someday when he knows the truth about all of this, I hope he can forgive me. Until then, I'm doing my best to keep him safe and happy, even if that means sheltering him from some truths he isn't old enough to understand yet.

I gave him a mixture of chamomile and lavender to soothe his nerves, and as a result he spent the majority of the day asleep. I was grateful for that. He doesn't need to see me like this, while I'm still healing.

I spent most of the day watching over him, now and then giving in to sleep when I felt too exhausted to continue keeping watch. At some point I was awoken by Atiq. He dropped off a talisman of sorts, along with a handful of very kind words. I tucked the magical pendant beneath me and drifted off to sleep again.

When I woke again, Pagan was there. I tripped over myself trying to get to her and nearly planted myself in the dirt at her feet in my eagerness, but in the end I caught myself and managed to save my dignity. Pagan sat down with me while Nishi slept between us, and we had a very long talk. There were tears -- a lot of tears -- and I tried to explain to her my perspective on the situation with Walter. Atiq joined us at some point, offering his calm energy while I babbled and Pagan whispered wise words in return. I've never met a more level-headed or intelligent creature as Pagan, and in the end I was deeply grateful for her kindness and her wisdom.

After she left, Nishi woke for a little while. He was still in a bit of a sour mood, but he seemed a little calmer than he'd been earlier. There is a lot of anger inside him, I worry sometimes when I see it leaking out. The poor child struggles with himself quite a lot, and I often feel so ill equipped to help him. I've heard there's a doctor wandering the forest who might be able to help. I've been trying to seek him out, but every time I get near to him I lose my nerve. It's so difficult to approach those I don't know, these days. But lord knows I could use the guidance of a psychiatrist, myself. I've got to keep trying -- if not for Nishi's sake, for my own.

Once Nishi was tucked in for the night and safely dreaming again, Atiq and I spent a while just enjoying each other's company. All in all the day had gone rather well, and I found myself in a pretty good mood. I will admit there was some dancing and giggling involved.

As night descended, I said goodnight to Atiq and thanked him for all he'd done. It's easy to get lost in the mire of darkness, when bad things happen. But the important thing is to keep focused on the light. There's always a light. Sometimes it's hard to see, but it's always there. Today was spent in the presence of friends and family, and not a single thought strayed to those who had done me wrong.

I think that's all I can do, in times like these.

Focus on the good, forget the bad.



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1 August, 2017

Alright, let me try to talk.

Walter finally woke up. He was groggy and still not feeling great, but he was awake. I nudged him around until he gave in and we played for a bit. There was a tense moment when I realized we were a little close to Malikorin and a friend of his -- Reina. Reina came over and said hello, which went over quite well. Malikorin seemed irritated, but didn't make any trouble or really say anything to me.

After that Walter and I went chasing each other through the forest like little kids, me laughing and giggling, just enjoying being alive and together. At some point we ended up in the birch forest, seeking some solitude, and settled down together to rest.

That's when Halla arrived. We were just sitting there on our own, and she started charging at us, itching for a fight. I don't know what happened, but things quickly spiraled out of control. Walter got up and sort of shuffled backwards, but Halla kept coming at him. I tried to touch her to diffuse the situation, which only escalated things.

It was a mess. Six of them were suddenly on us, surrounding us. I got antlers, teeth, and hooves to just about every part of my body. Even when I tried to retreat, I was pursued and attacked. I never once threw a blow.

Malikorin was there.

I...

I don't think I could have felt more betrayed.

We beat a retreat back to the old forest, before they let us alone. I curled up against Walter, shivering, injured, confused, hurt. We stayed that way for a long time until he fell asleep again and I was left on my own. I wandered, trying to nurse my own wounds, still utterly at a loss as to what had happened.

I must have fallen asleep at some point, because when I woke up, Pagan was beside me. She gave me some mixture of foul-tasting liquid to help with the pain and asked what had happened. When I explained the situation, she was furious. She dropped me off with a friend and was gone for some time.

When she got back, she was limping and bleeding. She lead me to the pond, where we washed up. She told me she'd lost control, and that they'd told her about Walter, and that was about it. I didn't ask for the details, I was too tired at that point. I thanked her, and she made it clear that her actions had been for me alone, not him. Even if he had been completely innocent, I can't blame her for that. She doesn't know him -- she barely knows me.

I can't explain why she did what she did, I'm still stunned. I... Can't ever tell her how grateful I am. From the start, I've felt a strange connection with her I can't explain. There's so much I want to tell her, so much I want to explain to her... but she was injured and tired, so after she cleaned up and I thanked her, I let her wander off to rest and tend to her own wounds.

Crescent approached after that, helped me heal up a little. Ku came along, much to my surprise, to ask what had happened. We had a long chat, wherein he warned that he would help me out so long as it did not injure his reputation, which I told him I understood. The cynic in me says that's nothing new -- only he has the decency to say it out loud and to my face, which I can appreciate. He told me a little of Halla's past, which shed some light on today's events and made me feel sorry for the doe. I hold no hatred for her, despite everything. Especially not now.

After he left, I found myself alone again. Not wanting to be on my own after such a day, I made my way slowly over to Crescent, who was sitting and talking with Llyr. Llyr was quite concerned and asked what had happened, I told her briefly the day's events, and promptly proceeded to pass out.

...



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