basics |
traits |
being |
other |
timeline
name: ben
a word that describes ben wholly. although he did not like the idea of having a set name initially and refused it, he has an important connection with this specific name and now identifies strongly with it.
[i used to go by the online handle 'lebendig' ("alive") after which an old friend gave me the nickname 'ben'.] [i usually don't capitalize 'ben' because it looks nicer to me that way, and more like a natural word in the text flow.]
full name: Benjamin Victor Barlam
age: adult
i have never really thought about an exact age because it was never relevant. true to the forest, i'd imagine ben {i.e. his tef body} does not really age. he never went through a fawn stage. his body is in a good healthy "youthful" condition and will likely stay that way.
[march 26, 2009]
sex: inhabits a male body
[although i considered having ben completely sexless, i always felt it to be more fitting like this.]
gender: male, though questionable
does not have a particularly strong gender identity. would probably technically be agender, but since others most commonly refer to him as 'he' he just goes along with that. although rare, occasionally does feel expressly more "female" around certain individuals. as for gender expression, relatively ambiguous. he rarely expresses any typically masculine traits... aside from rough-housing, i guess.
[any pronouns are appropriate for ben. he, she, they, it.]
orientation: undefined
his love to all beings of the forest remains strong and equal.
size: 2 (regular TEF deer)
true to the game. average, not much to say here. mmaaybee slightly smaller than the average male, if the average males weren't already so tall.
scent: soil, dry leaves, bark, birch sap
since ben spends a lot of time in the birch, that's probably where most of his scents would come from. very faint, subtle, not overpowering.
voice & speech:
is soft-spoken, quiet, tight, rather flat, no strong highs or lows. medium-high pitch. kind of average. relatively smooth. as for speech patterns, mumbles a lot, tendency to drift off at the end of his sentences, but doesn't slur his words. generally doesn't talk a lot and is very self-conscious about his voice, avoids speaking much if possible. often long stretches of silence between sentences. speaks falteringly, thinks carefully about every word, lots of fillers. long-winded when trying to explain himself. instinctively avoids eye contact while talking, will often turn his head away.
in-forest set:
will wear anything at any time. of course, has his preferences.
Preferred antlers: Beluga, Butterfly, Noh, Regular+Poppies, DotD, Barn Owl, Swan, Koi
will usually sport smaller antlers, doesn't feel comfortable with the larger ones. Has a special emotional connection to poppies.
Preferred masks: None, Kabuki, Golden Butterfly, Butterfly Secretary, Antelope, Beluga, Owl
considers going without a mask to be more personal and up-close. likes all bird masks a lot, because birds. has a very serious weakness for the Kabuki and Secretary masks. they pretty much guarantee to pique ben's interest in someone. absolutely can't resist them. nope. not a chance. totally weak for.
Preferred pelts: Butterfly, Secretary, Zombie, Golden Butterfly, Beluga, Barn Owl, Swan.
purely aesthetic preferences. will wear the red pelt when distraught ((or when he's pretending to be part fish)).
physical appearance/attributes:
i change ben's body shape on a whim depending on what's convenient for me and what i like. ben looks like whatever you want him to look like. in general you could say he used to be heavier & stockier, but has now become rather lean in terms of body, legs and neck. but not always. sometimes softer and more average in shape, sturdier. face can also vary between more humanoid and more tef deer-like, although always has more soft "feminine" features to it. rarely particularly heavy or angular, with the exception of maybe a roman nose. sometimes. there is no single "true" physical appearance for ben. let's just say it's forest magic. usually depicted with whatever set he's wearing at the time.
ben's physical appearance is a mirror for what you choose to see in him.
has decent stamina. relatively quick on his feet. enjoys running long distances. can keep active for quite some time, but usually lacks the motivation. can be rough, but is not a fighter. not strong physically but not too weak either, slightly below average.
random personality stuff
* ultimately desires warmth, security, unconditional love, being needed. bases a lot of his self-worth on being needed by others. strongly believes in giving unconditional love. wants to help make others feel truly loved and appreciated. wants to be completely giving, selfless, altruistic, ready to push aside his own needs to make others happy. often this ends up being the cause of mental imbalances though. life never quite works out that way, but he has difficulties accepting that.
* strongly fears rejection and being unwanted. afraid of being left by those closest to him due to previous experiences. fears having truly close relationships for that reason. needs constant approval, quickly grows insecure. easily frustrated when he thinks others don't return his care and affection or don't value his efforts, despite his claims and wishes of "unconditional love".
* tends to fake happiness. feels a duty to be joyful and entertaining to others. will often leave him frustrated and drained for a long time afterwards. can't say no. generally lies about his feelings if he thinks they'd be a burden. that is not to say he can't be genuinely energetic though.
* prioritizes fawns and namelesses over anyone else. feels it is his duty to make them all feel welcome in the forest.
* doesn't like possessive or territorial behavior, especially when in company of others. will mock it playfully or let his distaste be known otherwise. although in certain one-on-one situations he doesn't actually mind all that much. mostly just disapproves of public "exclusionary" behavior. may be judgmental and rejecting of those he perceives as jealous or possessive partners.
*
hates having to play favorites. does best on one-on-one situations. gets easily stressed having to balance out multiple people at once. has a hard time focusing his attention on more than one person. Currently thrives well both in larger groups and in one-on-one situations.
* may suddenly get overwhelmed by a situation and the urge to escape and flee to calm down. needs some time to collect himself again afterwards. moments where this happens may seem illogical or without specific trigger. sporadic susceptibility.
* though he absolutely loves messing around with others playfully, he disapproves of serious fighting. almost morbidly curious of seeing others fight though. cold and emotionally detached when it comes to matters of violence. sees it as perfect entertainment. loves watching drama unfold as long as no one close to him is involved.
* is normally very forgiving. rarely holds grudges. tries his best to be understanding of why others act the way they do. is not quick to judge others negatively, takes a long time to evaluate things. has a "hate the sin, love the sinner"-esque philosophy. although he's certainly not perfect all the time either in that regard and can be especially venomous when unhealthy. fears being judged by others.
* if there's one thing he's proud of, it's his fashion sense. enjoys hearing others comment on his appearance. believes he has an excellent taste when it comes to forest sets. not vain, but likes to take good care of his looks. loves to groom others as well. happy to to experiment and try out new things too. well, maybe he's a bit vain. just a little.
* generally not worried about his own personal space, likes to sit close with strangers. will sit really close with friends. does watch out for others' personal space though. looks for physical closeness & touch. very affectionate at heart, though it may not always show. mostly afraid of being rejected so he keeps it to himself, which sometimes causes him frustration. intimate, personal and close when he gets the chance. warm.
* like his more feral relatives ben relies heavily on body language and picks up on external cues very easily. Generally prefers it over talking. Does not make much eye contact, frequently engages in social licking and grooming.
* depending on his mental state, ben tends to avoid big forest landmarks or highly active places since he can get slightly agoraphobic. usually seeks out the most secluded spots to rest at, preferably with no one else in his immediate surroundings.
* likes to routinely walk through the forest just to see what others are up to.
* very finicky about how he sits. adjusts his position a lot.
* composed outside, intense inside
* has an
occasional fondness for natural psychedelics. indulges in, but rarely. will share when he gets the opportunity.
* adores small forest birds. frequently interacts with them. sees them as friends. comfort. easier to get along with.
* struggles with depressive episodes. mood may change abruptly.
* spends a large part of his time dozing in the birch forest. usually only goes out to the First Forest specifically to socialize, when in an active mood, or if he seeks something specific.
* moderately uncomfortable with the ideas of pregnancy and biological offspring. cannot relate to others' excitement about it in the least. doesn't understand the fascination and considers it rather repulsive.
* engages in
displacement activities and repetitive behaviors during stress in the form of rubbing on trees, walking in circles, chewing on pinecones/mushrooms without actually eating them. tree rubbing may also be replacement behavior for nuzzling/physical affection.
* bad around couples and families. tendency to avoid. extra careful around.
* big child at heart. bonds better with fawns, feels more like "one of them".
notable
adil--
botan
I don't know what you think while you're sleeping
I hope soon I'll dream with you
a young and naive love. once held feelings for him but things turned complicated. while things have never quite been the same after the fallout, holds no ill will. a bittersweet memory, a piece of the past.
brd
You and I could make an island
in this ocean
a comfort during dark days. warmth during the cold. the blanket and the pillow. a brother soul. misses him dearly.
flyleaf--
kio-- spiritual sister. shared genesis. sameness. warmth. infinitely treasured. One. The Other Gemini Bird. Reptile sun.
lem--
lohtu--
red--
reed--
red--
rumen--
----
the roots--
the jackdaw--
other
meshugge - given by Uitleger/Lem
many-face - given by Eyestrain/brd
funny of-same - given by niriya/Pica
bird's wing - given by HolyMaria/Kio
greatest tree - given by HolyMaria/Kio
gemini bird - given by HolyMaria/Kio
two up quarks one down - association with a proton in a magnetic storm
other associations: light, warmth, mirror, strings over neck/legs/body/antlers, plug - cord, cracks, birds, melting, star, proton, silence or soft continuous humming, the sensation of arching your back and growing large quills, the sensation of curling up and hiding under large wings like under a blanket, warm rays of sunshine on your body, clear water - clouded mind, the sensation of a large, open cut on your forehead, on your nape or on the left side of your neck, the sensation of having something intense pass through your body then leave again
strings represent connectedness
"machitún"
Golden Hill / Monte d'Oro
Extended: Golden Plateau
Benjamin Victor Barlam.
"Our love shines like a knife used to kill men.
This incalculable effort is awakened with the sun
That rises and floods all space with the joy that you and I are one.
We sing of the cosmic taste, the cold of destiny.
Little by little, we lose hope of existing without freedom.
This nocturnal light abstracts every one of my cells.
I stop being and can't find or recognize myself, so I stop trying."
being
besides ben's regular self, his existence has brought to light several other "forms" or states of being that tangle and intertwine but can be distinguished as different from one another.
winged conscious
* learned how to grow wings.
winged conscious: an elevated perception of being, heightened mood, heightened activity, higher sociability. increased awareness of himself, others and his surroundings. increased understanding, heightened sensibility, in-tune. wings can be interpreted as either metaphorical or physical. may be visible or not. may be tangible or intangible. winged state may be perceived strongly by some and not at all by others.
winged consciousness can be more strongly or weakly expressed, and may be perceived more or less by others
fawn being
* ben's fawn being is another expression of the self which can appear in a variety of circumstances, but is commonly brought out when unable to handle a situation emotionally or when overwhelmed by outside influences. non-conscious decision. a regressive state of being. focus turned on very basic needs. safety, shelter, warmth, most of all protection of the self from the outside world through a larger parental figure. childlike emotionality, emotions and happenings are perceived and expressed on a very basic and one-dimensional level. naive, impulsive. original and primal. a defense mechanism.
lower energy turns his body into a smaller being
when the fawn being is brought out by his own decision, more energetic. more raw energy concentrated in a smaller form. better focus on the outside world.
multi-faceted. complex. faster spiritual metabolism. gets sick easier, heals quicker.
time
"Paranoia warped into a gravity.
Which spread a smothering blanket on an evolutionary launch pad.
Vision was tested on blank sky and voice said, "Let me tell you about the time that something occurred."
A rough timeline of ben's life in the forest.
- Unknown Genesis.
- Life as stardust in the universe's filament, potential matter.
- Granted a body and a fresh conscience by the Twin Gods. First Birth.
- Fawn development. Personality development gives birth to Mozart.
- Life as Mozart. First identity. The First Incarnation.
- Corporeal death of Mozart. Death of the First Incarnation.
- Universal matter. Undefined existence. Memories and conscience are retained.
- Granted a new corporeal body by the Twin Gods. Ben. Second Identity. The Second Incarnation. A new beginning.
- Life as Ben.
- Discovery of the Winged State with Kio. Discovery of Kio as his spiritual sister and kin. A blossoming seed.
- Taken under the wing of the Unicorn God. Discovery of Ben's divine potential. A hidden seed.
- Visitor of Tyria.
- Said his farewells to Flyleaf.
"It was music that gave the shove.
And resolved in music we shall breathe.
It was children that crafted a parent.
And resolved in children we shall live."
by Mahj.
The light fell apart around him. Jagged, broken glass, curved hawk talons. He seemed to melt downwards into the ground, soon to follow, this golden tragedy of birch-bark and grasses reaching like desperate children towards the sliced pages of sun. They could never compete with the trees. And as he filled his lungs in turn with the breath exhaled of these birches ben did not notice the world falling apart around him. Or perhaps, ben did not think of it as falling apart.
All was still. Breath held tight in the confines of his chest until the trees sighed once more, and the grasses bowed down, the little birds in their trees returning to their days of song, distantly numbered. Would he but give his breath that the trees might bow. Would he but give his heart that the grass may grow. Outward, the shifting of a wing, as easy as the side-to-side dance of a clock's pendulum, and just as much a mark of time. The shards of light tangled themselves in him, trapped as if gilded fish within a net of feather and flesh.
ben did not care if the trees touched the light first. ben did not care if the grasses were as meek and frail as fool's-gold filigree. ben liked them both just the same. And in his eyes and his body, the stained-glass sun became tame, a newborn lamb. His head turning upwards towards the sky, neck shifting with the grace of a hawk in flight, slow at first, and then with a snapping tilt of his head to the side, that the sun might hold his head within its limbs, that he might kiss that warmth.
They were one and the same, It, and he. It, whether sun or God or promises. One and the same perhaps. Perhaps...
Perhaps he did not notice his own rising, that in the metaphorical or physical sense, how the stilts of his limbs brought his body upwards, nearer to the sky if only by precious feet, glorious inches. Would the sun still love him a thousand years from now? Did the sun love? And ben thought that, yes, perhaps the sun did love. For it certainly felt as if an old friend.
As he moved, dust rose, each meticulous rise and fall of a hoof bringing it upwards in tiny storms, twinkling like so many stars. And perhaps, to the sun, ben was just the same, one of so many twinkling stars. ben was at peace with that. As ben was at peace with most things. Like universes residing in his bones, like the supernova in his chest. Each rise and fall of a limb was infinity, and ben was in that infinity. And things were good. As most things were.
He did not go far. His eternity was a minuscule one, taking him only to where the birch embraced the first. The sun slept here, off in the thick of the pines, the running of water. As he left, it grasped desperately at his refolding wings, at the fine hairs of his tail. 'Don't go' the sun warmly wept, 'I love you so, don't go' as it always did. For the Sun loved ben, and ben loved the sun, but ben did not belong to the sun, and the sun did not belong to ben.
And so he left. As he would. As the sun would set.
And so he would return. As he always did, as the sun would rise.
And he was everybody's.
And he was nobody's.
ben loved.
But ben was not a land, not a country, not a range of jagged-spined mountains.
ben was ben.
And ben, like love, like light. Like so many twinkling stars, could not be claimed.
Nayu, why did you edit your
And ocean, yes, it's interesting.
I once read something about how elements in the dream can associate to real-life situations (not exactly dream interpretation) but I lent the book to someone else right now. I wish I could remember what the theory is called/who it is by. It's pretty cool though.
ROFL! Because I could! And,
And, I felt a bit embarassed everybody could read the first part...
Haha alright. I always find
Either way. Thanks again.
It was... about happy cats
Sorry, there is some things I'm shy about... ( dunnot roll eyes!) *cough* Or rather *strugling with english*, I meant to adress to you only but there is no way to pm, and it bothered me in the end... that anybody could read meh.
There is no reason to thank, really.
I understand that. You can
Noted. Here is mine:
Here is mine:
Keep it somewhere in your pocket!
Alright, I saved it now. :)
!!
Mrn. Bad timing?
Bad timing?
What would be 'right'?
I don't strive to be the best, but instead I strive to do my best, and always give it my all every time.
-faunet
I just go with 'fuck it' like
(No subject)
You helped a new deer... who
Even second hand, all accounts of you are wonderful.
I don't strive to be the best, but instead I strive to do my best, and always give it my all every time.
-faunet
Hah, your friend is welcome
Someday, maybe, you could
But for now, you are human like the rest of us. I don't mind at all.
I don't strive to be the best, but instead I strive to do my best, and always give it my all every time.
-faunet
(No subject)
^ I just laughed
(No subject)
wtf size y u so big
Jun 23- Yes, exactly!!
Yes, exactly!!
I don't strive to be the best, but instead I strive to do my best, and always give it my all every time.
-faunet
You have such an interesting
I agree with all of that, as
ps- Jun 21 It was so
It was so beautiful in its honesty. Thank you for sharing.
I don't strive to be the best, but instead I strive to do my best, and always give it my all every time.
-faunet
(No subject)
u liek ponies?
By and by, thank you for the
By and by, thank you for the inspiration to keep a dream journal. Turns out I'm more creative in dreams than I thought. xD
okay by now I feel kind of
Lung-- haha well if you say so. I confuse myself at times so I don't know.
Saosin-- I don't know whether "insightful" is the proper word here? And yeah, it's adorable.
eyestrain-- I used to cry each time I saw it when I was younger, haha.
Nayu, Vee, ocean-- I'm gonna refrain from a gif-war here. I'm just lame like that.
Also ocean-- I'm also writing them down now, and analyzing the heck out of them. :D Yyyeeeaaahhhh.
There. Figure I've left you hanging long enough.
I don't mind if you don't
Nayu I think I've watched that gif for five straight minutes now just trying to wrap my brain around it.
I don't strive to be the best, but instead I strive to do my best, and always give it my all every time.
-faunet
I think I may have just
I would have won this war anyway.
*flees*
A month without privacy? May
May I ask what is going on?
Pfff. That sounds awesome! 8D
That sounds awesome! 8D I really should analyze mine sometime. xD
I analyze my dreams
(No subject)
Lung-- We'll have people
ocean-- It's just fun to see in which ways they relate to things. I try be careful and not obsessively overanalyze though, hah. I've gotten myself a book on dreams now. (not of the esoteric kind, haha)
Kaoori-- yes it definitely can be. I don't know much about Spirit Animals though, or at least haven't heard of them in a convincing manner. Care to throw some links/info at me?
Amazon-- yes, thanks for staying here that day; it was very late so I had to leave very quickly
soon as I get at my own
here's a few decent sites i
http://www.animalspirits.com/
http://www.wicca.com/celtic/wyldkat/anmlintro.htm
http://www.shamanlinks.net/Power_Animals.htm
I let myself go last year. I
All of the things you feel you must do may be things that you don't need at all. Maybe they're just things you want. If they bring more suffering than joy, perhaps it's not so bad to set them down for a while and focus only on what you really need.
I don't strive to be the best, but instead I strive to do my best, and always give it my all every time.
-faunet
http://endlessforest.org/comm
One of these six deer is for you.
(thanks, starling! The avatar is amazing! And Thanks Pretzil for the siggie!
Can I just for once! stop!
I am so guilty of doing this..
I feel the same way you do about a lot of things up there, actually.
Yes! I try to fight it but
You are not stupid. / bonks
HAPPY BURFDAY!!! ^_^
Late happy birthday
Happy Birthday
fkskfsk It's your
Happy birthday! Sorry I'm so late, I didn't realize it was your birthday...
EmmaJoycen-- Thanks!
Nayu-- Eee thank you.
Kaoori-- Thank you.
Lung-- Thanks! It doesn't matter that much really. I'm one of those people who don't really celebrate anyway.
I can't wait to finally return to the forest and meet up with you all again tomorrow.
'Eeey happy belated birthday!
S dn'em, damn. What's after
What's after the 'celebrate'?
Looks like a car trunk..
wtfhappybirthdayWHYDIDN'TYOUT
♥
All I gotta say here: