basics |
traits |
being |
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timeline
name: ben
a word that describes ben wholly. although he did not like the idea of having a set name initially and refused it, he has an important connection with this specific name and now identifies strongly with it.
[i used to go by the online handle 'lebendig' ("alive") after which an old friend gave me the nickname 'ben'.] [i usually don't capitalize 'ben' because it looks nicer to me that way, and more like a natural word in the text flow.]
full name: Benjamin Victor Barlam
age: adult
i have never really thought about an exact age because it was never relevant. true to the forest, i'd imagine ben {i.e. his tef body} does not really age. he never went through a fawn stage. his body is in a good healthy "youthful" condition and will likely stay that way.
[march 26, 2009]
sex: inhabits a male body
[although i considered having ben completely sexless, i always felt it to be more fitting like this.]
gender: male, though questionable
does not have a particularly strong gender identity. would probably technically be agender, but since others most commonly refer to him as 'he' he just goes along with that. although rare, occasionally does feel expressly more "female" around certain individuals. as for gender expression, relatively ambiguous. he rarely expresses any typically masculine traits... aside from rough-housing, i guess.
[any pronouns are appropriate for ben. he, she, they, it.]
orientation: undefined
his love to all beings of the forest remains strong and equal.
size: 2 (regular TEF deer)
true to the game. average, not much to say here. mmaaybee slightly smaller than the average male, if the average males weren't already so tall.
scent: soil, dry leaves, bark, birch sap
since ben spends a lot of time in the birch, that's probably where most of his scents would come from. very faint, subtle, not overpowering.
voice & speech:
is soft-spoken, quiet, tight, rather flat, no strong highs or lows. medium-high pitch. kind of average. relatively smooth. as for speech patterns, mumbles a lot, tendency to drift off at the end of his sentences, but doesn't slur his words. generally doesn't talk a lot and is very self-conscious about his voice, avoids speaking much if possible. often long stretches of silence between sentences. speaks falteringly, thinks carefully about every word, lots of fillers. long-winded when trying to explain himself. instinctively avoids eye contact while talking, will often turn his head away.
in-forest set:
will wear anything at any time. of course, has his preferences.
Preferred antlers: Beluga, Butterfly, Noh, Regular+Poppies, DotD, Barn Owl, Swan, Koi
will usually sport smaller antlers, doesn't feel comfortable with the larger ones. Has a special emotional connection to poppies.
Preferred masks: None, Kabuki, Golden Butterfly, Butterfly Secretary, Antelope, Beluga, Owl
considers going without a mask to be more personal and up-close. likes all bird masks a lot, because birds. has a very serious weakness for the Kabuki and Secretary masks. they pretty much guarantee to pique ben's interest in someone. absolutely can't resist them. nope. not a chance. totally weak for.
Preferred pelts: Butterfly, Secretary, Zombie, Golden Butterfly, Beluga, Barn Owl, Swan.
purely aesthetic preferences. will wear the red pelt when distraught ((or when he's pretending to be part fish)).
physical appearance/attributes:
i change ben's body shape on a whim depending on what's convenient for me and what i like. ben looks like whatever you want him to look like. in general you could say he used to be heavier & stockier, but has now become rather lean in terms of body, legs and neck. but not always. sometimes softer and more average in shape, sturdier. face can also vary between more humanoid and more tef deer-like, although always has more soft "feminine" features to it. rarely particularly heavy or angular, with the exception of maybe a roman nose. sometimes. there is no single "true" physical appearance for ben. let's just say it's forest magic. usually depicted with whatever set he's wearing at the time.
ben's physical appearance is a mirror for what you choose to see in him.
has decent stamina. relatively quick on his feet. enjoys running long distances. can keep active for quite some time, but usually lacks the motivation. can be rough, but is not a fighter. not strong physically but not too weak either, slightly below average.
random personality stuff
* ultimately desires warmth, security, unconditional love, being needed. bases a lot of his self-worth on being needed by others. strongly believes in giving unconditional love. wants to help make others feel truly loved and appreciated. wants to be completely giving, selfless, altruistic, ready to push aside his own needs to make others happy. often this ends up being the cause of mental imbalances though. life never quite works out that way, but he has difficulties accepting that.
* strongly fears rejection and being unwanted. afraid of being left by those closest to him due to previous experiences. fears having truly close relationships for that reason. needs constant approval, quickly grows insecure. easily frustrated when he thinks others don't return his care and affection or don't value his efforts, despite his claims and wishes of "unconditional love".
* tends to fake happiness. feels a duty to be joyful and entertaining to others. will often leave him frustrated and drained for a long time afterwards. can't say no. generally lies about his feelings if he thinks they'd be a burden. that is not to say he can't be genuinely energetic though.
* prioritizes fawns and namelesses over anyone else. feels it is his duty to make them all feel welcome in the forest.
* doesn't like possessive or territorial behavior, especially when in company of others. will mock it playfully or let his distaste be known otherwise. although in certain one-on-one situations he doesn't actually mind all that much. mostly just disapproves of public "exclusionary" behavior. may be judgmental and rejecting of those he perceives as jealous or possessive partners.
*
hates having to play favorites. does best on one-on-one situations. gets easily stressed having to balance out multiple people at once. has a hard time focusing his attention on more than one person. Currently thrives well both in larger groups and in one-on-one situations.
* may suddenly get overwhelmed by a situation and the urge to escape and flee to calm down. needs some time to collect himself again afterwards. moments where this happens may seem illogical or without specific trigger. sporadic susceptibility.
* though he absolutely loves messing around with others playfully, he disapproves of serious fighting. almost morbidly curious of seeing others fight though. cold and emotionally detached when it comes to matters of violence. sees it as perfect entertainment. loves watching drama unfold as long as no one close to him is involved.
* is normally very forgiving. rarely holds grudges. tries his best to be understanding of why others act the way they do. is not quick to judge others negatively, takes a long time to evaluate things. has a "hate the sin, love the sinner"-esque philosophy. although he's certainly not perfect all the time either in that regard and can be especially venomous when unhealthy. fears being judged by others.
* if there's one thing he's proud of, it's his fashion sense. enjoys hearing others comment on his appearance. believes he has an excellent taste when it comes to forest sets. not vain, but likes to take good care of his looks. loves to groom others as well. happy to to experiment and try out new things too. well, maybe he's a bit vain. just a little.
* generally not worried about his own personal space, likes to sit close with strangers. will sit really close with friends. does watch out for others' personal space though. looks for physical closeness & touch. very affectionate at heart, though it may not always show. mostly afraid of being rejected so he keeps it to himself, which sometimes causes him frustration. intimate, personal and close when he gets the chance. warm.
* like his more feral relatives ben relies heavily on body language and picks up on external cues very easily. Generally prefers it over talking. Does not make much eye contact, frequently engages in social licking and grooming.
* depending on his mental state, ben tends to avoid big forest landmarks or highly active places since he can get slightly agoraphobic. usually seeks out the most secluded spots to rest at, preferably with no one else in his immediate surroundings.
* likes to routinely walk through the forest just to see what others are up to.
* very finicky about how he sits. adjusts his position a lot.
* composed outside, intense inside
* has an
occasional fondness for natural psychedelics. indulges in, but rarely. will share when he gets the opportunity.
* adores small forest birds. frequently interacts with them. sees them as friends. comfort. easier to get along with.
* struggles with depressive episodes. mood may change abruptly.
* spends a large part of his time dozing in the birch forest. usually only goes out to the First Forest specifically to socialize, when in an active mood, or if he seeks something specific.
* moderately uncomfortable with the ideas of pregnancy and biological offspring. cannot relate to others' excitement about it in the least. doesn't understand the fascination and considers it rather repulsive.
* engages in
displacement activities and repetitive behaviors during stress in the form of rubbing on trees, walking in circles, chewing on pinecones/mushrooms without actually eating them. tree rubbing may also be replacement behavior for nuzzling/physical affection.
* bad around couples and families. tendency to avoid. extra careful around.
* big child at heart. bonds better with fawns, feels more like "one of them".
notable
adil--
botan
I don't know what you think while you're sleeping
I hope soon I'll dream with you
a young and naive love. once held feelings for him but things turned complicated. while things have never quite been the same after the fallout, holds no ill will. a bittersweet memory, a piece of the past.
brd
You and I could make an island
in this ocean
a comfort during dark days. warmth during the cold. the blanket and the pillow. a brother soul. misses him dearly.
flyleaf--
kio-- spiritual sister. shared genesis. sameness. warmth. infinitely treasured. One. The Other Gemini Bird. Reptile sun.
lem--
lohtu--
red--
reed--
red--
rumen--
----
the roots--
the jackdaw--
other
meshugge - given by Uitleger/Lem
many-face - given by Eyestrain/brd
funny of-same - given by niriya/Pica
bird's wing - given by HolyMaria/Kio
greatest tree - given by HolyMaria/Kio
gemini bird - given by HolyMaria/Kio
two up quarks one down - association with a proton in a magnetic storm
other associations: light, warmth, mirror, strings over neck/legs/body/antlers, plug - cord, cracks, birds, melting, star, proton, silence or soft continuous humming, the sensation of arching your back and growing large quills, the sensation of curling up and hiding under large wings like under a blanket, warm rays of sunshine on your body, clear water - clouded mind, the sensation of a large, open cut on your forehead, on your nape or on the left side of your neck, the sensation of having something intense pass through your body then leave again
strings represent connectedness
"machitún"
Golden Hill / Monte d'Oro
Extended: Golden Plateau
Benjamin Victor Barlam.
"Our love shines like a knife used to kill men.
This incalculable effort is awakened with the sun
That rises and floods all space with the joy that you and I are one.
We sing of the cosmic taste, the cold of destiny.
Little by little, we lose hope of existing without freedom.
This nocturnal light abstracts every one of my cells.
I stop being and can't find or recognize myself, so I stop trying."
being
besides ben's regular self, his existence has brought to light several other "forms" or states of being that tangle and intertwine but can be distinguished as different from one another.
winged conscious
* learned how to grow wings.
winged conscious: an elevated perception of being, heightened mood, heightened activity, higher sociability. increased awareness of himself, others and his surroundings. increased understanding, heightened sensibility, in-tune. wings can be interpreted as either metaphorical or physical. may be visible or not. may be tangible or intangible. winged state may be perceived strongly by some and not at all by others.
winged consciousness can be more strongly or weakly expressed, and may be perceived more or less by others
fawn being
* ben's fawn being is another expression of the self which can appear in a variety of circumstances, but is commonly brought out when unable to handle a situation emotionally or when overwhelmed by outside influences. non-conscious decision. a regressive state of being. focus turned on very basic needs. safety, shelter, warmth, most of all protection of the self from the outside world through a larger parental figure. childlike emotionality, emotions and happenings are perceived and expressed on a very basic and one-dimensional level. naive, impulsive. original and primal. a defense mechanism.
lower energy turns his body into a smaller being
when the fawn being is brought out by his own decision, more energetic. more raw energy concentrated in a smaller form. better focus on the outside world.
multi-faceted. complex. faster spiritual metabolism. gets sick easier, heals quicker.
time
"Paranoia warped into a gravity.
Which spread a smothering blanket on an evolutionary launch pad.
Vision was tested on blank sky and voice said, "Let me tell you about the time that something occurred."
A rough timeline of ben's life in the forest.
- Unknown Genesis.
- Life as stardust in the universe's filament, potential matter.
- Granted a body and a fresh conscience by the Twin Gods. First Birth.
- Fawn development. Personality development gives birth to Mozart.
- Life as Mozart. First identity. The First Incarnation.
- Corporeal death of Mozart. Death of the First Incarnation.
- Universal matter. Undefined existence. Memories and conscience are retained.
- Granted a new corporeal body by the Twin Gods. Ben. Second Identity. The Second Incarnation. A new beginning.
- Life as Ben.
- Discovery of the Winged State with Kio. Discovery of Kio as his spiritual sister and kin. A blossoming seed.
- Taken under the wing of the Unicorn God. Discovery of Ben's divine potential. A hidden seed.
- Visitor of Tyria.
- Said his farewells to Flyleaf.
"It was music that gave the shove.
And resolved in music we shall breathe.
It was children that crafted a parent.
And resolved in children we shall live."
by Mahj.
The light fell apart around him. Jagged, broken glass, curved hawk talons. He seemed to melt downwards into the ground, soon to follow, this golden tragedy of birch-bark and grasses reaching like desperate children towards the sliced pages of sun. They could never compete with the trees. And as he filled his lungs in turn with the breath exhaled of these birches ben did not notice the world falling apart around him. Or perhaps, ben did not think of it as falling apart.
All was still. Breath held tight in the confines of his chest until the trees sighed once more, and the grasses bowed down, the little birds in their trees returning to their days of song, distantly numbered. Would he but give his breath that the trees might bow. Would he but give his heart that the grass may grow. Outward, the shifting of a wing, as easy as the side-to-side dance of a clock's pendulum, and just as much a mark of time. The shards of light tangled themselves in him, trapped as if gilded fish within a net of feather and flesh.
ben did not care if the trees touched the light first. ben did not care if the grasses were as meek and frail as fool's-gold filigree. ben liked them both just the same. And in his eyes and his body, the stained-glass sun became tame, a newborn lamb. His head turning upwards towards the sky, neck shifting with the grace of a hawk in flight, slow at first, and then with a snapping tilt of his head to the side, that the sun might hold his head within its limbs, that he might kiss that warmth.
They were one and the same, It, and he. It, whether sun or God or promises. One and the same perhaps. Perhaps...
Perhaps he did not notice his own rising, that in the metaphorical or physical sense, how the stilts of his limbs brought his body upwards, nearer to the sky if only by precious feet, glorious inches. Would the sun still love him a thousand years from now? Did the sun love? And ben thought that, yes, perhaps the sun did love. For it certainly felt as if an old friend.
As he moved, dust rose, each meticulous rise and fall of a hoof bringing it upwards in tiny storms, twinkling like so many stars. And perhaps, to the sun, ben was just the same, one of so many twinkling stars. ben was at peace with that. As ben was at peace with most things. Like universes residing in his bones, like the supernova in his chest. Each rise and fall of a limb was infinity, and ben was in that infinity. And things were good. As most things were.
He did not go far. His eternity was a minuscule one, taking him only to where the birch embraced the first. The sun slept here, off in the thick of the pines, the running of water. As he left, it grasped desperately at his refolding wings, at the fine hairs of his tail. 'Don't go' the sun warmly wept, 'I love you so, don't go' as it always did. For the Sun loved ben, and ben loved the sun, but ben did not belong to the sun, and the sun did not belong to ben.
And so he left. As he would. As the sun would set.
And so he would return. As he always did, as the sun would rise.
And he was everybody's.
And he was nobody's.
ben loved.
But ben was not a land, not a country, not a range of jagged-spined mountains.
ben was ben.
And ben, like love, like light. Like so many twinkling stars, could not be claimed.
/massive brow-raise
♥ Thank you
♥
Thank you
Sigh...
Rraaaah love your sketches.
~
I'm really enjoying that
also, the picture above is so pretty.
Ben's set makes me smile
ForTwoLifetimes, Moonsoverwater, PandaXiongMao, MissButterflyCaught, FaunGrae, All the same, a friend with many names.
Avatar by Meadow Sig by SightHoundLady
What a lovely message.
Likewise miss.
Fff, thank you.
For what it's worth, I think
♥
right back at you guys.
~track. ?
Sorry for the inactivity, got
Don't worry. Rumen's
Your deer bent down for a
(No subject)
Pst, I don't think this hill
I've caught sound of South America, though. They're crazy. And beautiful.
Could've been I've heard it
My creepy siamese, we'll
Caught Clavicle a bit off
Haha well I sure hope you
Heehee, I did. Clavicle
-get's on pony and rides it-
x)
Can't believe I haven't
Hello, Ben. <3
Wasn't aware of the
There is a MLP on this
So... Favorite mane pony?
Tends to be whichever the
I do like them all. For now I think it's Rainbow Dash actually. She had a lot of good episodes lately.
Aaalso belated thanks to everyone above who tracked etc. I feel kind of bad for always neglecting you. I do appreciate it.
Amen to this entry,
You always have good advice.
I enjoy reading your blog
Btw: I think it took me about 1/2 year to draw the connection between your pictogram and your username. I felt very bright the moment I realized it. xD
To be honest, I doubt it ever
I can't let go of the possibility of being unwelcome anywhere. It's a very real fact that I could never be truly comfortable in any group, because there is someone undoubtedly better, and far worth the time than me.
There will always be a constant struggle between those who play to RP, and those who play as they are, simply just to be in the Forest. I find myself constantly teetering between the two, but it always takes its toll, either way. I've tried very hard to simply look at it as a game, a bunch of pixels, and yet I still find it incredibly hard to just relax. I have to constantly watch myself when I'm with someone, I have to constantly make sure I'm not near certain individuals. It gets very grating and lonesome after a while.
But I suppose that what's I'm slowly learning to get truly used to, and I don't see the point in deviating from that.
Perhaps it is that I actually
--Wanted to check that myself.
I've been thinking along the same lines as you too. I've just...never really felt rejected, on my ooc or on a character (because my characters, being how they are, have other characters react to them in a certain way). I just go up to random groups, play with them and generally have fun on my ooc. I've never been chased away from a playful group or anything and I've found some great company.
My characters, well, I understand if they're chased away, and I try not to take it personally. Happens sometimes. There have always been 'unfriendly' characters around and hey, if that's how somebody wants to play, I'll just have my character react. ouo
Maybe my difference is having separate characters for ic/ooc? I'm not sure. I've also found that if I blend a bit of character with ooc, I don't feel awkward around people playing characters, because they can see me as either the player or the character. I can see how other people would see it differently, though. ^^ Perhaps I would be sad if I got chased away.
I honestly believe the forest is still a very friendly place and it just takes reaching out and not worrying too much if a deer seems to 'ignore' you or is mean to you. There are always plenty of other people to play with.
Yeah that turned into a sermon. |D
[edit] Oh god here I go again. Agreeing with another point of yours here. When I do go off to socialize, I find people very kind. Maybe it is because people recognize me, maybe not. Yes, I think mental social barriers can prevent people from socializing, though, like you said, not in every case. I find that it's true with me, at least.
This...probably makes no sense. ene Yeah.
Thanks for posting again, by and by.
My thoughts as well...
*just kinda sits in here*
I'm enjoying this
Re: Lungspeak. It is late here so the rest will have to follow tomorrow or sth.
You are right. Fear is our strongest and persistent reaction. Maybe my view is an idealistic view, yes. Maybe what I wish for lies beyond the possibilites of who we are. No doubt it does.
I do not think that the common "it's just pixels" thought is a very useful one. If anything, you just end up in a worse place as you begin to think that you're even unable to let go of 'just pixels'.
You are right. It's not just deer, it's not just pixels. Because it's real people behind these pixels who think and have emotions. Games are just as much of a real experience, just as much of an interaction with another person. And it's not a fault if any of that influences anybody, contrary to common narrative.
I think this is very crucial. It is not a weakness. It is a human reaction.
For a comfortable gaming experience, there has to be mutual trust. It is hard to attain, even harder to mantain. There will always be doubts at some point, from any person.
I do not intend to sound demanding or demeaning (I really hope I don't, give me a shout if I do). I very much understand that there are some things some people just cannot do, and that these things cannot be shoved away with a "you just have to try harder". That would be counterproductive. What I believe is much needed in this place and also irl is support and affirmation from those who may have more confidence. To help build up a more or less secure ground.
What I was trying to get at, in my initial post, is simply that the situation is in need of some analysis, of why we feel the way we do here, and simply that before others are said to be at fault, we need to sit back and see how much of it is a result of our mindset and how much of it is objectively there. I was attempting to give some very basic thoughts and suggestions for clearing up misunderstandings etc, for the most generic cases. In the end, individual situations require individual adjustment.
This is quite out of my territory and way out of my comfort zone.
Have you entertained the thought before that someone might be admiring you for who you are? Flaws notwithstanding? Have you been asking yourself why someone spends time with you instead of someone else? Is it really just out of pity?
Lung, you are okay whether you feel that way or you don't. With some thoughts it is important to accept them and to learn to work with them. With other thoughts, there is the risk of them turning destructive if one gives in to them. What you are saying reminds me a bit of how I felt last summer. I have been told this before: Perhaps, at one point, you can just try to observe yourself, but leave out the clouding judgement.
Baby steps.
If you ever feel like just getting things out of your system.
I understand that you'll probably have doubts about contacting me and think you'd be bothering me. All I can really say now is that you are not a bother, no matter how silly you think your thoughts are.
I can only do so much at this point. It's ok if you don't want to contact me.
But what of the people who
You're not being demanding or demeaning at all, I promise. You're fine. Hn, but personally? I don't think anything in the vein of analysis or anything like that will happen, or even work. People are people; selfish, apathetic, can't be bothered to correct things (especially if they don't think anything is wrong in the first place.). I suppose that's incredibly negative, but that's the vibe I get constantly from people in this place. Why fix what the minority thinks is broken?
I've tried to think that. I really have tried; and it's hard to get past that. There's only a select few people whom I feel genuinely like/admire me, and trust me when I say that list is small. And to be honest, I'd be furious if someone spent time with me out of pity; it would only serve to tell me how pathetic I am - something that I loathe more than anything else. I have asked myself before why someone would bother hanging out with me. I doubt it's out of pity; I can't really see anyone here doing that. I know I spend time with anyone because I like them; I can only hope I am, at the very least, not bothering them.
I have no idea how'd I go about "observing" myself, and leaving out anything judgmental. I honestly don't. And I'd probably be hesitant to do it anyway - I can't help feeling that there's too much risk involved in it. Though that's partly because I'm a bit confused by that; how would it work?
Gaah, I'm sorry for bringing you into a spot you're not comfortable with. I'll add you to my MSN the next time I'm on, though I doubt I'll actually talk. I've ranted to enough people as is (and it's the same crap, over and over.). That, and I'm not one to contact someone first (though sometimes I do, but that's extremely rare); just another way of making sure I'm worth someone's time. :/
I've only just realized how seriously ironic this all is. I get so emotional and attached here, but all the other forums/communities I go to, I simply don't care. I'm just there, posting opinions, and not really caring if anyone takes a jab at me. Sure, I feel sorry if people have a horrible day, and I'm happy if they're friendly to me, but I'm very detached from all of it, and I have no deep connection with any of them. Wish I could be that way here; it would be so easier to just not care.
Mmm I see. I find it a little
I find it a little hard to understand what you mean in your first paragraph. How I understood it, they can keep you quiet because you think they are putting a mask on? So when they are nuzzling you, they actually do not mean it and are completely indifferent to you?
I'm glad I can provide somewhat of a safe space for you. This is really one of my big concerns, whether people are comfortable with me or not. So, thank you.
Why fix what is broken? To make it work again.
You're fine. I can break off this conversation if I feel uncomfortable with it. (you can, too).
I'm ok with this talk taking place here. I usually don't start conversations unless I have something very specific to say, and I believe in natural beginnings and natural ends, rather than forced ones.
Why I said this is out of my comfort zone, what I am saying is I doubt my skills with people very much. Often I fear something I say may backfire and end up hurting the person when all I want to do is to care and listen. There's the problem that there is no absolute truth with people. One thing I may think may be right for one person but hurtful for the other, and I am sure there are people who are much better at listening than I am. Who may be much more capable.
I do not like the thought of making mistakes and hurting others. I feel useless when I realize I cannot be perfect. But I want to work with these imperfections.
How do you feel mostly about people right now? Do you feel threatened? Rejected? Suspicious maybe? Unwelcome?
Would you like it if the situation were different for you? Or do you find it easier to live with your fears?
Do you want the situation to change? Would you entertain multiple possibilities for it?
As for the observation thing, but really only if it's something you feel ready to do. If you find yourself again in a situation where you're apprehensive, acknowledge it. "I feel apprehensive". Simply recognize it when it does happen. Ask yourself "How do I feel right now?" "What made me feel this way?", without the following "What does this say about me?". Maybe, "What would make me feel better now?"
Gj, Unplugged. Ting!
Ting!
I mean in a figurative sense.
I don't mind keeping this conversation going here, just let me know if you want to stop.
I have a similar mindset, to tell you the truth. Just the other day I made a comment towards someone during dinner, and I didn't mean it as an insult; and yet, that's how it came out. I can be quick to talk, and it sometimes doesn't end well. It's why I prefer typing actually; gives me an easier time wording something. To be honest, to me, being flawed is perfection. If everyone was "perfect" in the way that people normally think it, the world would be a pretty boring place, methinks. It's just a matter of acknowledging those, and working around them/getting used to them.
My feelings lie more towards "suspicious" and "unwelcome." To be honest, here on the Comm site, I don't feel it as much as when I'm in the Forest. Though there are times where I do wonder about certain things. I can't get into someone's head here, period. They're not sitting across from me or next to me, so I can't read their face, here their voice. I have to, at the very least, assume that the way certain things are typed that someone might not be feeling well, or that someone is just being nice for the sake of it.
I hate living with my fears, I really do. While it hasn't become debilitating, in a sense, it certainly doesn't make my life any easier. Life is stressful as is right now, and piling all of this on top of it just makes it worse. But if the situation were to change into something I preferred, I might not feel that much better. People hate when they have to force themselves to behave a certain way for the sake of everyone else - or one individual. If I ended up altering the situation to suit my needs, I doubt I'd be likeable at all here.
Oh, okay. That clears up a lot for me. To be honest, the answer to the last question brings me right back to square one. I know how I feel about the majority of situations here, and I know what would make me feel better. But again, that fear is there, and I find myself having to hold back. There have been times where I've just said, "Screw it," and done something because I wanted to, and yet I can't shake the thought that the person involved would like nothing more than to wring my neck.
Those little moments of "bravery" only add up to more intense fear down the road.
Hey, thank you for the little
Sorry Lung, I have to break
My autopilot has failed. Gotta take care of some stuff.
You're welcome GB.
It's totally fine. It
A little memory of today in
A little memory of today in all its peacock...ish (?) glory.
God I'm sorry for Rumen
I already thought you two
We're being sort of indecisive today as for what to do and who to spend time with.
Nah that's absolutly fine
Tracking this here, because
Also, there were some very good points brought up in many comments here, so I want to remember them
And don't forget lazy We
We saw you today; but didn't get up. It would be nice to get to spend more time with your Myzska. Though lately I feel so busy and stressed out, even when I'm not doing anything, and it makes it hard to enjoy normally lighthearted distractions.
Ah, it's no worry, as Myszka