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name: ben
a word that describes ben wholly. although he did not like the idea of having a set name initially and refused it, he has an important connection with this specific name and now identifies strongly with it.
[i used to go by the online handle 'lebendig' ("alive") after which an old friend gave me the nickname 'ben'.] [i usually don't capitalize 'ben' because it looks nicer to me that way, and more like a natural word in the text flow.]
full name: Benjamin Victor Barlam
age: adult
i have never really thought about an exact age because it was never relevant. true to the forest, i'd imagine ben {i.e. his tef body} does not really age. he never went through a fawn stage. his body is in a good healthy "youthful" condition and will likely stay that way.
[march 26, 2009]
sex: inhabits a male body
[although i considered having ben completely sexless, i always felt it to be more fitting like this.]
gender: male, though questionable
does not have a particularly strong gender identity. would probably technically be agender, but since others most commonly refer to him as 'he' he just goes along with that. although rare, occasionally does feel expressly more "female" around certain individuals. as for gender expression, relatively ambiguous. he rarely expresses any typically masculine traits... aside from rough-housing, i guess.
[any pronouns are appropriate for ben. he, she, they, it.]
orientation: undefined
his love to all beings of the forest remains strong and equal.
size: 2 (regular TEF deer)
true to the game. average, not much to say here. mmaaybee slightly smaller than the average male, if the average males weren't already so tall.
scent: soil, dry leaves, bark, birch sap
since ben spends a lot of time in the birch, that's probably where most of his scents would come from. very faint, subtle, not overpowering.
voice & speech:
is soft-spoken, quiet, tight, rather flat, no strong highs or lows. medium-high pitch. kind of average. relatively smooth. as for speech patterns, mumbles a lot, tendency to drift off at the end of his sentences, but doesn't slur his words. generally doesn't talk a lot and is very self-conscious about his voice, avoids speaking much if possible. often long stretches of silence between sentences. speaks falteringly, thinks carefully about every word, lots of fillers. long-winded when trying to explain himself. instinctively avoids eye contact while talking, will often turn his head away.
in-forest set:
will wear anything at any time. of course, has his preferences.
Preferred antlers: Beluga, Butterfly, Noh, Regular+Poppies, DotD, Barn Owl, Swan, Koi
will usually sport smaller antlers, doesn't feel comfortable with the larger ones. Has a special emotional connection to poppies.
Preferred masks: None, Kabuki, Golden Butterfly, Butterfly Secretary, Antelope, Beluga, Owl
considers going without a mask to be more personal and up-close. likes all bird masks a lot, because birds. has a very serious weakness for the Kabuki and Secretary masks. they pretty much guarantee to pique ben's interest in someone. absolutely can't resist them. nope. not a chance. totally weak for.
Preferred pelts: Butterfly, Secretary, Zombie, Golden Butterfly, Beluga, Barn Owl, Swan.
purely aesthetic preferences. will wear the red pelt when distraught ((or when he's pretending to be part fish)).
physical appearance/attributes:
i change ben's body shape on a whim depending on what's convenient for me and what i like. ben looks like whatever you want him to look like. in general you could say he used to be heavier & stockier, but has now become rather lean in terms of body, legs and neck. but not always. sometimes softer and more average in shape, sturdier. face can also vary between more humanoid and more tef deer-like, although always has more soft "feminine" features to it. rarely particularly heavy or angular, with the exception of maybe a roman nose. sometimes. there is no single "true" physical appearance for ben. let's just say it's forest magic. usually depicted with whatever set he's wearing at the time.
ben's physical appearance is a mirror for what you choose to see in him.
has decent stamina. relatively quick on his feet. enjoys running long distances. can keep active for quite some time, but usually lacks the motivation. can be rough, but is not a fighter. not strong physically but not too weak either, slightly below average.
random personality stuff
* ultimately desires warmth, security, unconditional love, being needed. bases a lot of his self-worth on being needed by others. strongly believes in giving unconditional love. wants to help make others feel truly loved and appreciated. wants to be completely giving, selfless, altruistic, ready to push aside his own needs to make others happy. often this ends up being the cause of mental imbalances though. life never quite works out that way, but he has difficulties accepting that.
* strongly fears rejection and being unwanted. afraid of being left by those closest to him due to previous experiences. fears having truly close relationships for that reason. needs constant approval, quickly grows insecure. easily frustrated when he thinks others don't return his care and affection or don't value his efforts, despite his claims and wishes of "unconditional love".
* tends to fake happiness. feels a duty to be joyful and entertaining to others. will often leave him frustrated and drained for a long time afterwards. can't say no. generally lies about his feelings if he thinks they'd be a burden. that is not to say he can't be genuinely energetic though.
* prioritizes fawns and namelesses over anyone else. feels it is his duty to make them all feel welcome in the forest.
* doesn't like possessive or territorial behavior, especially when in company of others. will mock it playfully or let his distaste be known otherwise. although in certain one-on-one situations he doesn't actually mind all that much. mostly just disapproves of public "exclusionary" behavior. may be judgmental and rejecting of those he perceives as jealous or possessive partners.
*
hates having to play favorites. does best on one-on-one situations. gets easily stressed having to balance out multiple people at once. has a hard time focusing his attention on more than one person. Currently thrives well both in larger groups and in one-on-one situations.
* may suddenly get overwhelmed by a situation and the urge to escape and flee to calm down. needs some time to collect himself again afterwards. moments where this happens may seem illogical or without specific trigger. sporadic susceptibility.
* though he absolutely loves messing around with others playfully, he disapproves of serious fighting. almost morbidly curious of seeing others fight though. cold and emotionally detached when it comes to matters of violence. sees it as perfect entertainment. loves watching drama unfold as long as no one close to him is involved.
* is normally very forgiving. rarely holds grudges. tries his best to be understanding of why others act the way they do. is not quick to judge others negatively, takes a long time to evaluate things. has a "hate the sin, love the sinner"-esque philosophy. although he's certainly not perfect all the time either in that regard and can be especially venomous when unhealthy. fears being judged by others.
* if there's one thing he's proud of, it's his fashion sense. enjoys hearing others comment on his appearance. believes he has an excellent taste when it comes to forest sets. not vain, but likes to take good care of his looks. loves to groom others as well. happy to to experiment and try out new things too. well, maybe he's a bit vain. just a little.
* generally not worried about his own personal space, likes to sit close with strangers. will sit really close with friends. does watch out for others' personal space though. looks for physical closeness & touch. very affectionate at heart, though it may not always show. mostly afraid of being rejected so he keeps it to himself, which sometimes causes him frustration. intimate, personal and close when he gets the chance. warm.
* like his more feral relatives ben relies heavily on body language and picks up on external cues very easily. Generally prefers it over talking. Does not make much eye contact, frequently engages in social licking and grooming.
* depending on his mental state, ben tends to avoid big forest landmarks or highly active places since he can get slightly agoraphobic. usually seeks out the most secluded spots to rest at, preferably with no one else in his immediate surroundings.
* likes to routinely walk through the forest just to see what others are up to.
* very finicky about how he sits. adjusts his position a lot.
* composed outside, intense inside
* has an
occasional fondness for natural psychedelics. indulges in, but rarely. will share when he gets the opportunity.
* adores small forest birds. frequently interacts with them. sees them as friends. comfort. easier to get along with.
* struggles with depressive episodes. mood may change abruptly.
* spends a large part of his time dozing in the birch forest. usually only goes out to the First Forest specifically to socialize, when in an active mood, or if he seeks something specific.
* moderately uncomfortable with the ideas of pregnancy and biological offspring. cannot relate to others' excitement about it in the least. doesn't understand the fascination and considers it rather repulsive.
* engages in
displacement activities and repetitive behaviors during stress in the form of rubbing on trees, walking in circles, chewing on pinecones/mushrooms without actually eating them. tree rubbing may also be replacement behavior for nuzzling/physical affection.
* bad around couples and families. tendency to avoid. extra careful around.
* big child at heart. bonds better with fawns, feels more like "one of them".
notable
adil--
botan
I don't know what you think while you're sleeping
I hope soon I'll dream with you
a young and naive love. once held feelings for him but things turned complicated. while things have never quite been the same after the fallout, holds no ill will. a bittersweet memory, a piece of the past.
brd
You and I could make an island
in this ocean
a comfort during dark days. warmth during the cold. the blanket and the pillow. a brother soul. misses him dearly.
flyleaf--
kio-- spiritual sister. shared genesis. sameness. warmth. infinitely treasured. One. The Other Gemini Bird. Reptile sun.
lem--
lohtu--
red--
reed--
red--
rumen--
----
the roots--
the jackdaw--
other
meshugge - given by Uitleger/Lem
many-face - given by Eyestrain/brd
funny of-same - given by niriya/Pica
bird's wing - given by HolyMaria/Kio
greatest tree - given by HolyMaria/Kio
gemini bird - given by HolyMaria/Kio
two up quarks one down - association with a proton in a magnetic storm
other associations: light, warmth, mirror, strings over neck/legs/body/antlers, plug - cord, cracks, birds, melting, star, proton, silence or soft continuous humming, the sensation of arching your back and growing large quills, the sensation of curling up and hiding under large wings like under a blanket, warm rays of sunshine on your body, clear water - clouded mind, the sensation of a large, open cut on your forehead, on your nape or on the left side of your neck, the sensation of having something intense pass through your body then leave again
strings represent connectedness
"machitún"
Golden Hill / Monte d'Oro
Extended: Golden Plateau
Benjamin Victor Barlam.
"Our love shines like a knife used to kill men.
This incalculable effort is awakened with the sun
That rises and floods all space with the joy that you and I are one.
We sing of the cosmic taste, the cold of destiny.
Little by little, we lose hope of existing without freedom.
This nocturnal light abstracts every one of my cells.
I stop being and can't find or recognize myself, so I stop trying."
being
besides ben's regular self, his existence has brought to light several other "forms" or states of being that tangle and intertwine but can be distinguished as different from one another.
winged conscious
* learned how to grow wings.
winged conscious: an elevated perception of being, heightened mood, heightened activity, higher sociability. increased awareness of himself, others and his surroundings. increased understanding, heightened sensibility, in-tune. wings can be interpreted as either metaphorical or physical. may be visible or not. may be tangible or intangible. winged state may be perceived strongly by some and not at all by others.
winged consciousness can be more strongly or weakly expressed, and may be perceived more or less by others
fawn being
* ben's fawn being is another expression of the self which can appear in a variety of circumstances, but is commonly brought out when unable to handle a situation emotionally or when overwhelmed by outside influences. non-conscious decision. a regressive state of being. focus turned on very basic needs. safety, shelter, warmth, most of all protection of the self from the outside world through a larger parental figure. childlike emotionality, emotions and happenings are perceived and expressed on a very basic and one-dimensional level. naive, impulsive. original and primal. a defense mechanism.
lower energy turns his body into a smaller being
when the fawn being is brought out by his own decision, more energetic. more raw energy concentrated in a smaller form. better focus on the outside world.
multi-faceted. complex. faster spiritual metabolism. gets sick easier, heals quicker.
time
"Paranoia warped into a gravity.
Which spread a smothering blanket on an evolutionary launch pad.
Vision was tested on blank sky and voice said, "Let me tell you about the time that something occurred."
A rough timeline of ben's life in the forest.
- Unknown Genesis.
- Life as stardust in the universe's filament, potential matter.
- Granted a body and a fresh conscience by the Twin Gods. First Birth.
- Fawn development. Personality development gives birth to Mozart.
- Life as Mozart. First identity. The First Incarnation.
- Corporeal death of Mozart. Death of the First Incarnation.
- Universal matter. Undefined existence. Memories and conscience are retained.
- Granted a new corporeal body by the Twin Gods. Ben. Second Identity. The Second Incarnation. A new beginning.
- Life as Ben.
- Discovery of the Winged State with Kio. Discovery of Kio as his spiritual sister and kin. A blossoming seed.
- Taken under the wing of the Unicorn God. Discovery of Ben's divine potential. A hidden seed.
- Visitor of Tyria.
- Said his farewells to Flyleaf.
"It was music that gave the shove.
And resolved in music we shall breathe.
It was children that crafted a parent.
And resolved in children we shall live."
by Mahj.
The light fell apart around him. Jagged, broken glass, curved hawk talons. He seemed to melt downwards into the ground, soon to follow, this golden tragedy of birch-bark and grasses reaching like desperate children towards the sliced pages of sun. They could never compete with the trees. And as he filled his lungs in turn with the breath exhaled of these birches ben did not notice the world falling apart around him. Or perhaps, ben did not think of it as falling apart.
All was still. Breath held tight in the confines of his chest until the trees sighed once more, and the grasses bowed down, the little birds in their trees returning to their days of song, distantly numbered. Would he but give his breath that the trees might bow. Would he but give his heart that the grass may grow. Outward, the shifting of a wing, as easy as the side-to-side dance of a clock's pendulum, and just as much a mark of time. The shards of light tangled themselves in him, trapped as if gilded fish within a net of feather and flesh.
ben did not care if the trees touched the light first. ben did not care if the grasses were as meek and frail as fool's-gold filigree. ben liked them both just the same. And in his eyes and his body, the stained-glass sun became tame, a newborn lamb. His head turning upwards towards the sky, neck shifting with the grace of a hawk in flight, slow at first, and then with a snapping tilt of his head to the side, that the sun might hold his head within its limbs, that he might kiss that warmth.
They were one and the same, It, and he. It, whether sun or God or promises. One and the same perhaps. Perhaps...
Perhaps he did not notice his own rising, that in the metaphorical or physical sense, how the stilts of his limbs brought his body upwards, nearer to the sky if only by precious feet, glorious inches. Would the sun still love him a thousand years from now? Did the sun love? And ben thought that, yes, perhaps the sun did love. For it certainly felt as if an old friend.
As he moved, dust rose, each meticulous rise and fall of a hoof bringing it upwards in tiny storms, twinkling like so many stars. And perhaps, to the sun, ben was just the same, one of so many twinkling stars. ben was at peace with that. As ben was at peace with most things. Like universes residing in his bones, like the supernova in his chest. Each rise and fall of a limb was infinity, and ben was in that infinity. And things were good. As most things were.
He did not go far. His eternity was a minuscule one, taking him only to where the birch embraced the first. The sun slept here, off in the thick of the pines, the running of water. As he left, it grasped desperately at his refolding wings, at the fine hairs of his tail. 'Don't go' the sun warmly wept, 'I love you so, don't go' as it always did. For the Sun loved ben, and ben loved the sun, but ben did not belong to the sun, and the sun did not belong to ben.
And so he left. As he would. As the sun would set.
And so he would return. As he always did, as the sun would rise.
And he was everybody's.
And he was nobody's.
ben loved.
But ben was not a land, not a country, not a range of jagged-spined mountains.
ben was ben.
And ben, like love, like light. Like so many twinkling stars, could not be claimed.
thank you~ you're so nice.
Your English writing is
What is your mother tongue?
Today was a really hard day for me, but you made me feel so happy.
I don't strive to be the best, but instead I strive to do my best, and always give it my all every time.
-faunet
Thank you eyestrain; my talk
I speak russian (at home) and german (outside) and my english has a funny accent.
I had no idea. I'm glad we did, it's the least we can do.
I'd be interested to hear
I don't strive to be the best, but instead I strive to do my best, and always give it my all every time.
-faunet
I'm an ISPT - The Mechanic
That was fun to do (: it was interesting reading yours.
I was shocked at the accuracy
ENFP
Yours sounded familiar to me as well, though.
I don't strive to be the best, but instead I strive to do my best, and always give it my all every time.
-faunet
..I'm sorry again for asking
I lost them both, don't ask how.
Skillz.
Reply when you're online, if you wanna help me. Totally understand if you don't want, I find this pretty annoying too.. D:
sry.
I'm INFP, too. Haha. It was
It was pretty accurate for me...
Oh you don't have to do it, I
Unplugged... Enjoy your
Enjoy your shell. But if you stay too long, go out and see someone you know. Just for a little while.
Once you're outside, you might find you want to be there more badly than you think.
brd will be there for you, when you want him.
I don't strive to be the best, but instead I strive to do my best, and always give it my all every time.
-faunet
Thanks for your concern
Sorry, I projected my own
I don't strive to be the best, but instead I strive to do my best, and always give it my all every time.
-faunet
There's nothing to be sorry
http://www.youtube.com/watch?
I don't strive to be the best, but instead I strive to do my best, and always give it my all every time.
-faunet
Thank you very much for
I probably didn't understand it fully but that's okay, it's still beautiful.
I liked the voice of the protagonist. The ending was great.
[e]: MrQuezt showed me something beautiful today
I've been meaning to track
I don't think I understood
I'm not very good at this game so it may take me a while to make it all of the way through. But it's amazing. I really like it. Thank you so much.
I don't strive to be the best, but instead I strive to do my best, and always give it my all every time.
-faunet
HOLY SHIT THAT'S AMAZING I
I opened both links, saw the painting and thought OMG WOAHH and then I thought 'OH that must have been the reference.' Clicked on the other link, discovered it was a photo and realised you did actually make that picture. That picture is amazing seriously. You must be really proud of that.
I always like the colors you
I don't strive to be the best, but instead I strive to do my best, and always give it my all every time.
-faunet
You are an amazing artist.
Starling-- Well yeah I am
eyestrain-- Colours are important to me.
Saosin-- So are you! Thank you, really.
xoxo!
Hey can you help me now to
If I come to you now, I think I saw you on the map?
Ohkay I understand, you don't
Ah was that you just there in
Ah it's okay, and yeah I'm
thank you!
=/ &hearts
&hearts
Do you know I feel the same
Do you know that I love you?
I don't strive to be the best, but instead I strive to do my best, and always give it my all every time.
-faunet
This is ridiculous. I'm
Tell me about them, these
I don't strive to be the best, but instead I strive to do my best, and always give it my all every time.
-faunet
I feel uncomfortable writing
you can email me...
every journal I have written for several years has been about the same things. Worrying that I will never be a functional adult able to support myself, cursing myself for not being able to deal with things other people seem to be able to. Finding my heart broken and then wondering why such petty things can hurt me or make me lost.
You can share with me anytime. I will never think less of you.
I don't strive to be the best, but instead I strive to do my best, and always give it my all every time.
-faunet
Get well soon.
Was that you in forest
If it wasn't... then... LOOK! There's a squirrel wearing a tiny hat-
*flee*
No that couldn't have been
Anddd thank you Starling! It's awfully boring.
http://endlessforest.org/comm
Enjoi!
Antibiotics? I hope you feel
Thank you Terabetha! I don't
I hope your holiday is still
I don't strive to be the best, but instead I strive to do my best, and always give it my all every time.
-faunet
Thank you eyestrain.
Hospitals are completely
I hope it doesn't get in the way for you so you can still enjoy Christmas and New Years
Your screenshot diary is an
I'm sorry to hear that. Maybe you should see a different doctor. Please take care...
I don't strive to be the best, but instead I strive to do my best, and always give it my all every time.
-faunet
Took doctors over a year to
I want to make you a gift but
<3
I don't like having to settle
I'll reply to everything else later, thanks for the kind comments everyone
Really, I feel guilty when
>.>
Really, I feel guilty when I've been visiting a blog for months and then suddenly I track it.
But
Follow the fish ☆
And
Get better soon ;_;
A little less conversation a
I think that's the best kind of resolution (:
Indeed! I also like it
It's actually a song title that randomly popped up on my iPod, thought it was nice. Didn't have anything for 2011 yet so I just stole it.
*Thumbs up*
Amen! I counted 3 separate