I'm exhausted.

Every time I log into this place, there's a new grievance, or a new problem. I read everything that's posted here. Sometimes I comment, sometimes I don't. But I do read them all.
Hypocrisy is a bitch. I should know.

My eyes follow words not meant for me, and come to tears. Accusations that I have no part in force me to weep. Arguments flying back and forth. Brilliant minds wasted in petty squabbling. Compassion thrown to the winds for that tiny taste of fifteen-minute-fame.

I'm sick of it.

I come to this place to expound upon an idea. I come here to share the life of something I have created. SomeONE I have created.

And yet, when I arrive, I find nothing but animosity, greed, and 'virtuous' slander. He said, she said, they said. He did, they did, she did. This and that and this and that.

Bicker, bicker, bicker, bicker. Playground fights. Mine mine mine mine mine. He hit me. She bit me. He threw sand in my face. She's crying. They're doing it wrong. I want it to be like this, and it's not. Someone go get the whambulance.

Friends are like muscles. You have to work to make them. One can't just sit and give excuses. It doesn't take money to say hi to people. It doesn't take looks to get to know them. It doesn't require a job to get out of the house.

Painful as this economy is, the least people could do is strive to make OTHERS lives just that much more tolerable.

I'm not perfect. This is an opinion, not a judgment. A beginning to a thought, not it's conclusion. All I know is that I don't like what I see, and if I did, indeed, let OOC affect IC - my baby would have responded in a far more violent manner by now.

Masks are a daily part of life. I have a sign on my wall in my room that reads "Masquerading as a normal person day after day is exhausting." And it's true. We ALL wear masks. At school. At home. With friends. With lovers. Even with ourselves.

I am nearly one-hundred percent sure that the majority of the people attending this meeting we call a forum are not REALLY who they say they are. Tolerance is another mask we wear from time to time. As is greed. And fame. And even virtue.
I can say this with certainty, because I know the mechanics of a group. I know the hierarchies. I know the casualties. I know the 'law of the pack' almost too well.

Alpha, Beta, Gamma, Omega.
Leader. Second-in-command. "Simply there". Outcast.

It's the same chain that's found in public high school. Or college. Or jobs. Or even families.
There is always a beginning, middle, and end to that tug-of-war rope. And even if we have to knock people into the mud to get there we WILL. We'll step on their faces and claw our way as high as we can possibly go.

That's human nature. That's life. That sucks.

But truth can hurt, and so can feelings.
Some don't know this, because they ARE the alpha. Some know this only too well, because they are the omega.

"And what about those who don't follow hierarchy?" I can hear some of you saying. "What about the people who walk to a different drum?"
They too have a place in this chain of power. Lone Wolf.

Even the loners, the by-standers, the flakes... whatever you want to call them. Even THEY have a place. Their place is wherever they can shove their way in. Alpha for only a moment. Back to omega. Up to second. Down to gamma.
They are all positions and none at once. Always striving to be the leader, although they say they don't care.

Some of you may say that I read too much into things. Some of you may even say that I'm crazy, and really shouldn't be sharing my thoughts here.
Some of you may indeed be right.

But we ALL demand attention for our ideas. We ALL seek to grip the top of the scepter. We ALL seek to make it from the blade to the arm. I'm no different than the rest of you. I want 'my pool, my dose of fame' as well.

However strong my convictions on things may be, they will not reach all ears. Some ears are fearful of change. Some are deaf to opinions not their own. Hell, some even get a kick out of taunting with the "You're wrong, I'm right, na na na na naaa naaaa." singsong phrase.

I know when I've been beaten. I know when to back down. That rule has been ground into my skull until it's crystal clear, and sharp as a red-hot-poker to the eye. I know when to stop.

But here's the thing. Even though one knows something, it's not always that easy TO stop. People can become addicted to pain as well as pleasure. Addicted to torture as well as triumph.
This happens, far too often, when that is the only feeling the person experiences.

I can scream all day from the rooftops that I'm not one of them. But that doesn't necessarily make it true. I don't know, maybe I am. Maybe that's why I post these things, maybe I like getting flamed.

But I doubt that it will matter much in the end.

I, for one, hold odd religious beliefs. But for those who die as believers in God, I can already tell you that he has one vicious sense of humor.

Humans are a giant joke.
And we, in this forum, simply provide the laughter that already comes with the territory. We hurt each other because somewhere inside it feels good. There's a perverted pleasure each and every one of us gets when we're 'right' about something. Some of us even rub it in, with many many many posts of the same fashion, seeking adoring audiences for their 'rightness'.

Empirically [scientifically, or 'by the book'], NO ONE can ever be 'right'. Everything is guesswork. Even the natural order of things. There is the THEORY of death. The THEORY of birth. The THEORY of time. The THEORY of gravity.
But all it takes to break a theory... is one consistent contrary observation. If someone actually lives forever, the theory of death is broken, and needs to be re-evaluated. If somewhere, somehow, a woman or man can break the pull of the earth, and float up into space at will, the theory of gravity is broken. If someone starts suddenly aging backward, the theory of time is destroyed.

Every 'right' opinion, whether it be scientific or not, no matter how many times it's been proven with study and observation... is just a theory.

You could say, from LOTS of observation. that every new deer in the forest is going to be an idiot.
But you'd have to amend "not in every case". You just broke your own theory.

The gist of this is simplified with a common saying. "Being right and a quarter will get you twenty-five cents."
Being right doesn't mean anything.
Neither does being 'wrong'.

Back to TEF, the actions someone takes in forest are just that. Actions. Perhaps actions without thought. Perhaps the person's having a bad day. Perhaps they're OOC, and don't bother posting because no one reads what they post. Perhaps they're playing with the deer-view set to no one.

You don't know.

It's kind of silly to go around making accusations, and complaining, about things that you can't either prove or disprove, now isn't it?

Thought before thought isn't necessarily a bad thing. It's more important, even, than thought before action.

If you've gotten this far - I'm impressed. You've actually taken the time to read and [maybe] absorb my words.
And IF you've gotten this far, there are a fair few of you who might be thinking:

"Who does this person think they are to tell me what to do, and to tell me what's right and wrong?"

My answer? No one. I'm nobody. Just a voice floating around in the ether, calling out random words to anyone who wants to listen.
I'm not 'right'. I'm not 'wrong'. I'm not anyone with any sort of power at all. I'm grabbing attention, yes, because I feel the topic is worthy of it. But I'm not shoving it into your faces.

I'm presenting an opinion in such a manner that addresses the issue and ties in with life in general. I'm not a great professor, or a super-smart whizkid. I'm not even a KID anymore. Nor am I completely an adult.

I'm here. That's all I am. I am a presence, sitting here in the darkness, and typing words I think you should hear. I don't see myself as important enough to listen to - but if you do, then my job - at least for this moment - is done.

I won't spit virtues and sins at you. I won't quote bible verse, or Buddhist verse, or any verse at all.
I will say what I think. And I DO think what I am saying here. That is all I am.

I will reiterate what I had said before.
I'm exhausted. I'm tired. I'm up to here with what's going on.

"Then leave."

And maybe I will, like so many others.
But the truth is that I LIKE Revtheyr. I love him dearly, and I would never stop playing him, or kill him off, even in my mind. He is, as all creations are, my baby.

I don't want to leave. I don't want to walk out the door with a note and a goodnight kiss. I don't want to leave my baby on the doorstep.

But I will if I feel it's best for him.

I can't get INTO the forest, because the program is incompatible with Windows 7, like so many others I had on my old computer. I can run it, but the fps only go to eight, and no higher. I won't play like that, because it's far too slow.

This place is the one outlet I have to share HIS thoughts. To play out HIS actions. To touch base with HIS friends, HIS family, HIS mate.

I won't leave him here to the wolves. Not if I don't have to.

But again, I'm tired. And I'm sure I'm not the only one.

Sure, this is hilarious. Watching people bite each other over the biggest toy in the sandbox. It's funny. It SHOULD make me laugh, and it used to. So many memories of the hellhole that was high school.
But not anymore. Now, it's just plain sad.

I don't want to log on only to have someone's rant or accusation staring me in the face.
AND YES I KNOW THIS BLOG IS DOING THE EXACT SAME THING.

But the truth is... many of you won't even READ this, let alone get this far into it.
And even if you do, many of you won't even comment.

Nothing to say. You agree with me. You can't think of anything to talk about. This makes you angry. You think I'm talking about you. You think I'm trying to BAIT you. You don't want to respond to an inflammatory topic.

Excuses. But I use them too. That's fine.

I don't expect a single comment - just like my stories. I don't expect a single word out of your fingers. But I do expect, for the ones that have read this, that your brilliant selves might actually digest this information with some sort of clarity and insight.

Perhaps my words are harsh. Perhaps I ask too much. Perhaps I'm just preaching to the choir, or molesting the altar-boys. I don't know.

What I WILL say is this. Again.

I'm tired. And people who are tired are generally advised to go to sleep. I don't want to go to bed, mommy.

But if I must, then I will. And Revtheyr makes a damn nice pillow.