Yeah I don't what else to title this as ;___; It's just real talk (which is a fun way of referring to a moment when you need to be very honest. thank you for introducing me to that phrase, Game Grumps) about where I've been for this past month or however long its been.
I feel odd posting this since I feel like a stranger 'round these parts.. but here it is.

Sorry that it's not a fun read and that its kind of long. I do appreciate readers, however! <3

I’ve been trying to rewrite over and over what I want to say. Coming out with this stuff is hard; I had to spend time away from this community because I was coming to terms with it, so explaining it in words is hard.




After evaluating me for 3-4 sessions, my therapist told me that I am psychologically and verbally abused by my dad. I just say I'm verbally abused, but my therapist specifically touched on the topic of both of them. Some of you guys who have been around for a couple of years might recall that I have posted about dad’s treatment of me before. If you want to give it a read, there's the link.

If you need convincing that non-physical abuse is bad, there are a few articles you can read and educate yourself with.

The abuse has been going on ever since I was little, and part of what I was and still am dealing with is this sudden knowledge that I essentially have been brainwashed to think horrible things about myself. I know some of you have caught onto the fact that I am hard on myself and beat myself up a lot over small things and that’s an affect of the abuse. I have difficulty exhibiting emotions around others. I self-harm. I get anxiety attacks for no reason. When I was 10 I became depressed and had my first suicide attempt a year later. Sometimes it’s hard for me to even look at another person. My therapist helped me to see that these things aren’t my fault. She helped me to realize that I am none of what dad says I am or anything that he has made me feel like: I am not lazy, I am not stupid, and I certainly am not worthless.

But with that said, it’s incredibly difficult to negate these messages. Goodness knows I’m trying to, though. Re-educating yourself is hard work.


I spent such a large part of my life believing that there was just something wrong with me or thinking dad treats me like an dirt because he has back pains, or because he’s strict. Although my therapist hasn’t met him personally, I’ve told her plenty of things about him and she has come to the conclusion that part of why he acts like this is that he has a severe and obviously untreated mental disorder. He takes his anger out on me because I’m so easy to hurt and when he does, it gives him this sense of order and normalcy. I’ve been taught not to stand up for myself because it will make him angrier. I’ve been taught not to ask for help because whenever I had no choice but to ask him, he’d find a way to make me feel terrible. I’ve been taught that I am less of a person than he is just because I’m a woman and not a man.

And mom LETS him do all this. I got really upset when my therapist pointed that out to me. Even when mom does something to make dad angry, he’ll take his anger out on me. Mom lets him do this because it saves her. I’m dad’s punching-bag and mom’s human shield. It hurt me very much to realize that my mom—whom I love with all my heart—is aware of dad’s abuse and yet does not stand up for me or even for herself.

I’ve been angry a lot lately, not to mention confused and sad. I feel like I haven’t really been given the love I deserve on top of the whole “oh my god I never really realized how badly I’ve been treated my entire life and I’ll probably be going to therapy for a long time just to deal with this” whole thing.


I met with my aunt to see if I could move in with her and her boyfriend and she told me “no” in the nicest way she could with the end result of me crying in public. Even though that sucked, she told me that her dad—my grandpa—is pretty much the same as my dad. She told me she knew how I felt, and when she turned 18, she moved out as quickly as she could and really it just didn’t work out. After being treated the way I have, I don’t yet have a good grasp of what it’s like being in charge of yourself; setting your own rules and your own goals. Dad always makes the rules for me and wants me to pursue goals that are relevant to his interests. So.. if I were to move out right now, it would be incredibly stressful and things would go horribly wrong. I agree with my aunt because even with my current levels of stress I worry for my health. I can’t imagine how it would be with even more tacked on, yech.

As my therapist put it, my parents aren’t really parents and they aren’t really married. Sure, they have wedding rings and a license, but they don’t act like they’re married or have acted like parents very often. They’re pretty much roommates: we (with the “we” here being myself, my mom, my therapist, and even maybe my aunt) think dad is doing some bad things outside of the marriage *hint hint you probably know what I mean hint hint* which would be means enough for a divorce if mom had concrete proof of it. We’ve seen bits and pieces of evidence, but apparently none of it has been enough for mom to get angry and divorce his ass.

I don’t and haven’t felt safe in my house. I’m not allowed to have romantic interests, I’m not allowed to express negative emotions, at times I’m not even allowed to leave the house, I’m not allowed to practice any religion other than Christianity.
And it’s like I’ve had to keep my girlfriend, my anger, my sadness, my frustration, my friends, my interest in paganism a secret from my parents. I’m not saying that I’d LIKE to share these things about myself with them, but it is not right for me to have to do these things only when I’m out of the house—that is, when I CAN get out of the house. Thankfully I'm typing this at my aunt boyfriend's house he and my auntie are out of town since they asked me to house-sit for them. The parents are dependent on me for so much and I've been trying to get out of the house to wean them off me a little bit and also to teach myself how to do things by myself so that I can move out sooner.
(also fair to mention that I get up late in the day to avoid being around dad. spending the night over here, I get up between 5 and 3 hours earlier!! also dad isn't here to turn off the wifi so I can be online whenever I want! aw yis)


But, yeah. I’ve been dealing with these uncomfortable realizations left and right, and it hasn’t been fun. At times I’ve been so exhausted by these things to the point that I literally could not hold myself upright and so I’ll lay on my bed and watch shows on my tablet. My current situation hasn’t exactly been conductive to my “muse” as you might call it, so I had to spend time away from TEF just because I haven’t had the energy. But lately I’ve been getting better at dealing with all of it, so I would very much like to come back now that I have my reactions under better control. Plus, I've taken this quarter off both for academic reasons (I really don't NEED anymore credits but I do need to take one 15 credit class that's offered in the summer before I get my BA).


If anybody needs to ask questions or what have you, please do so here or if you don't feel comfortable/would like some discretion, you can email me at the.pixie.goes.moo@gmail.com. Fair notice: if you come to me saying I'm being a "wimp" or "too sensitive" or just in general try to demean me and my experiences, I'm not going to react very nicely! And nobody enjoys being around me when I'm mad.



Anyways.. thanks a lot for reading all of that! I hope some of you can understand why I had to be gone and why it might take me a bit to get back into the swing of things here.
Everybody who read through this gets my love and a cookie of their choice c: