March 6, 2013 - 6:36am — chiakaitsuki
I really never wanted to post anything like this on this site, but I feel like I don't have many people to talk to. Not because they don't care, but because it's all a burden. No one has to read this, if you are then I am grateful, its mostly so that I feel like I've talked to someone about what I feel.
I feel lonely I guess. I've been dating a guy for about 11 months now, he's my first real boyfriend. And I spend more time on here than I see him in a week. I sort of feel like he doesn't want to try for this relationship. But then I stop and think to myself; 22 years, and someone finally gave a monster like you a chance. No one else will ever try to love you. To understand that I guess you'd have to know a little about me. I'm not fishing for pity or anything like that, I'll admit, I have some emotional problems. Mainly from how I was treated for most of my life. When I was younger I hated everyone. Humans in general were a waste and were nothing but cruel. For a long time I was filled with that rage and hate; which is why I call myself a monster. I go to church, and I know that it's not my place but I feel that I cannot redeem myself for all the hatred I felt growing up. I wanted them to all disappear, save for my grandparents
Sorry, I started to ramble there. And I probably will here too.
Emotions like love are almost heartbreaking for me sometimes. I get too attached and expect too much. I wait for people for more than an hour on a regular basis, I've been backstabbed I don't know how many times, but I keep trying. There are times where I wish I had never been born. Many times, I haven't affected anyone so much as that I will be sorely missed. I think in those times, I'm tired of fighting. Not necessarily in a physical state, but an emotional and mental one. My youth consisted of verbal and emotional abuse, I've had to fight for what little respect I have. Then I feel that most just throw it in my face and mock me. On the mental plane, I can't stop these negative thoughts sometimes. No matter how hard I try, they keep piling up and weigh me down. I don't like to whine all the time. I usually keep it in and carry on. But I'm not as strong and detached as I like to pretend to be.
It's kind of odd, I've told strangers more of my feelings than some of my friends.
If you've read this far, thank-you. I truely mean it. I'm just...tired.
You know, I've said some of
Coming from someone who has gone through this before, please take my advice - Learn to love and accept yourself exactly as you are! I know it's tough but people's opinions shouldn't push you into feeling the way you do. I used to feel just awful about myself because I see so many people more successful than I am, but after slowing down and not worrying about them, I learned I have many strengths that they don't have.
It's good to speak your mind too. When you hold things back it's just like acid, it burns you from the inside out. Having someone to talk to can be very relaxing and getting feedback is a good start. I admit I've vented on here much more than I should have, but after a while I got so much good advice and so much love from this place that I'm a different person. I also wanted to mention another site that I've gone to before - Depression Tribe. They're people going through the same sort of thing and it's a great community to just vent to.
And really, if you need someone to talk to, I'm more than happy to listen. I really enjoy trying to help out the best I can. If you've got Skype you're welcome to contact me at christopher.pocase and I'll gladly help you in any way I can. Just don't give up on yourself and your dreams.
Whenever I need to calm down, my favorite thing to do is to get a nice hot bath with bath salts or bubble bath. It always relaxes me and calms my nerves. I highly recommend it if it will help you as well.
*nuzzles* Stay strong alright? You'll get through this
I feel the exact same way you
I can relate to so much here
I really know the feeling though. I'm 21 now and have never been in a relationship. Had an offer once but I pushed him away thinking there must be something wrong with him for being the only person to ever show any interest in me.
Other than my writing, the only thing that ever makes me feel any better about it is knowing that there are other people out there going through and surviving these same situations.
That's all, I hope getting all that off your chest made you feel better at least.
I've been awake way too long
Keep your chin up ♥
With a relationship like
And I know at times you feel the way you do, but I can tell you're a strong person, and you keep going. Don't ever give up, ever. You are strong.
@quadraptor Thank-you very
*nuzzles back* I will, and thank-you again for your concern. =]
@Staff Thank-you for your
@FeintHearted I know how you
@Aivilo Thank-you for reading
You're lucky to see him each
@NikaGika Congrats on the
@Keepspeeps Awww =[ I'll
I just got finished with a
I just got finished with a relationship like the one you described. It went on for two and half years before I had to leave the state and he left me the night before I got on the plane. His excuse, I was never a priority in his life and never would be, and that I needed mental help because I wanted to believe I was.
I gave up too much during that relationship and got nothing in return. He wasn't willing to actually try, but I stayed due to the same feelings you have. I let myself get so broken down from that relationship, I still haven't completely found myself again.
I believe if your already doubting the relationship, get out. From personal experience, it won't get better. You'll only become more harden to him not trying and it will eat you apart. I feel the same way you do a lot, but I've now been away from that relationship for 8 months and I'm becoming more comfortable.
This is what I always tell myself, even if you do end up alone the rest of your life, at least you can love yourself. And I make a effort to love myself.
I'm here if you ever need to talk! <3
My skype is: aegleee
-I hope that wasn't a useless rambling-
It's ok to ramble. =] And