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Quick message, not meant to be a post!

September 25, 2009 - 9:36pm — faunet
Hey girl! Im so so so so sorry I missed your call last night. I was offered a free ticket to see Houston ballet last night, and I took it thinking it wouldl be over by the time you would call. But it wasn't =(. I apologize profusely for leaving you hanging like that. I'll be free Sunday night if you want to call.

~Brittany
September 26, 2009 - 3:03am — faunet

Actually that worked out

Actually that worked out cause my mom picked up the phone just as it went to your message and OMG she almost found out but i told her i was calling someone else. Ill try to call Sunday but i dont know.
September 28, 2009 - 11:23pm — Rilke

Here I am! I am Rilke, named

Here I am! I am Rilke, named for one of my favorite authors Eye See you around the web, then.
October 2, 2009 - 5:06am — Rilke

Okay I'm on

Okay I'm on
October 2, 2009 - 5:09am — faunet

XD im on to

XD im on to
October 2, 2009 - 5:11am — Rilke

So what's going on this

So what's going on this week? Did you find out what part you got in Nutcracker?
October 2, 2009 - 5:15am — faunet

XDXD Yeah im a mouse and i

XDXD Yeah im a mouse and i might get to be a snowflake if i work on my feet in point. See my feet curve in words so yeah. Mr. Sage ( director) said the only reason he cast me as an understudy for snowflake was because i cant get on feet well in point. So yeah i guess ill just have to kck my but in point or rather feet.
October 2, 2009 - 5:20am — Rilke

oh yeah, just keep

oh yeah, just keep practicing. It just takes time and practice, but you'll get it. And being an understudy is such a great way to learn! I was an understudy a lot for pointe pieces at school, it was great experience. how are you doing with grieving and everything? What's the week been like?
October 2, 2009 - 5:25am — faunet

That parts really been tuff

That parts really been tuff for me this week. When i got the part i asked my mom what my brother would think and not aminut later Shine Downs song second chance came on and i started crying. It feels like well .... i dont know how to explain this one.
October 2, 2009 - 5:34am — Rilke

Wow!!! I think he would be

Wow!!! I think he would be proud of you! And sometimes that can be the most difficult thing for me, because I want to know what he would say in person, I want to see the pride on his face. But he is proud of you I'm sure.
October 2, 2009 - 5:37am — faunet

Yeah it feels like ive been

Yeah it feels like ive been numb and in shock even though i was in pain but know i guess the raw part is coming out. Thats the best way i can describe it.
October 2, 2009 - 5:42am — Rilke

yeah I know what you mean.

yeah I know what you mean. It will take some time to get over the layers of shock and for the raw bits to surface. It's a total cliche, but it's true when people say it just takes time. It's difficult
October 2, 2009 - 5:46am — faunet

XD i dont know what to do .

XD i dont know what to do .
October 2, 2009 - 5:55am — Rilke

....=( there's not too much

....=( there's not too much you can do, except go through it, and allow yourself to go through it. having an outlet like writing or dancing or music helps a lot.
October 2, 2009 - 5:59am — faunet

I guess the hardest part is

I guess the hardest part is actually going through it cause every time i sit down nowadays it seems like i try to go back into a shell. Im so thankful i have this site to write stories and im so thankful i have you to talk to also jen helped alot at camp.
October 2, 2009 - 6:00am — Rilke

sorry that's so vague...it's

sorry that's so vague...it's hard to articulate in writing those feelings and then how to go through them, and a lot of it is things only you will experience or be able to handle
October 2, 2009 - 6:01am — Rilke

When you say you feel like

When you say you feel like you have to go back into a shell, is it a shell that you feel like you put up yourself, or a shell put up by your cirumstances?
October 2, 2009 - 6:03am — faunet

A mixture of both i would

A mixture of both i would say.
October 2, 2009 - 6:06am — Rilke

yeah, it takes a lot of

yeah, it takes a lot of courage and initiative--ironically--to be vulnerable. Even with just yourself. Those are really difficult emotions to be dealing with and to uncover, and your body and spirit will constantly go back and forth between wanting to address them and wanting to hold them back. Do you have any good books that are helping you? or do you think reading something would help?
October 2, 2009 - 6:11am — faunet

I have no books on this type

I have no books on this type of thing it might help and then again who knows.It seems whenever i think im ready to just sit and let it out with just me i just cant for some reason those barries wont seem to come down. Yet im more sensitve to other things around me,
October 2, 2009 - 6:17am — Rilke

more sensitive to what

more sensitive to what things? Anything specific?
On the note of books, I know of a couple books that helped me a ton. I wish I could send you copies of them via the studio or something, but do you think that would be risky?
October 2, 2009 - 6:21am — faunet

Yeah it probably would be

Yeah it probably would be riskyXD Oh well. I duno it seems whenever something remind me of him i either get really quiet or look for a meaning to it.
October 2, 2009 - 6:24am — Rilke

That's good! Finding meaning

That's good! Finding meaning in the little things always made it a lot better for me! And sometimes you might be following the right instinct not to share it, it's makes it more special in a way.
October 2, 2009 - 6:37am — faunet

Sorry i took so long mom

Sorry i took so long mom wanted me to watch something. Yeah your right. I try to focus on more positive things when im around other people cause every one wants to know how you are but they reallly dont want to hear the truth,
October 2, 2009 - 6:48am — Rilke

yeah I understand that.

yeah I understand that. Although some people will surprise you. Some people really do care enough to hear the truth and want to hear it. Some people need to hear it, or at least part of it. I think it helps in case they ever go through the same thing, to be able to remember "oh yeah, when this happened to my friend, she wasn't always "fine" either".
October 2, 2009 - 6:53am — faunet

I hate to admit it but their

I hate to admit it but their alot of people who take their life. In fact its down right disturbing. Its true people who go through this are not always fine. Cause we are feeling all of these emotions at on time and we want to fix what can not be helped.
October 2, 2009 - 7:05am — Rilke

Yeah, and we forget so

Yeah, and we forget so easily that being human naturally leads to dealing with emotions both good and bad and that we don't necessarily have to "fix" what we feel. But your circle of influence extends way beyond just people who are going through the loss of someone to suicide. Like you recognize with your friend who just found out she was pregnant, you can influence so many other people who are going through different trials. It's funny how suffering really binds us together as human creatures and puts into even greater relief the perfection and healing power of God, even if we don't see it at the time.
October 2, 2009 - 7:11am — faunet

Its takes something tragic

Its takes something tragic to bring us together unfortunately thats true. Sometimes i think we get caught up in our own world where we think nothing can go wrong and then something like death or something brings us back down to reality. But more than any I think God uses these situations to help other people and to also have a stronger conection with him.
October 2, 2009 - 7:16am — Rilke

YES yes, AMEN to that. And

YES yes, AMEN to that. And on that note, I think it's my bedtime =(. As always, I am praying for you. Oh, and have you ever been to the website "mylifeisaverage.com"? every once in a while there's an inappropriate entry, but most of them are clean and hysterical. I think you'd like it Eye. Should I just look on this post if you want to talk again, or do you want to put a comment on my blog?
October 2, 2009 - 7:21am — faunet

You are in my prayers as

You are in my prayers as well. I hope you have a great weekend. Um how about we meet on this blog next week around 10. Is that all right? If i need to talk to you before that ill call. Ill have to look that site up it sounds interesting.
October 2, 2009 - 7:24am — Rilke

Next week at 10 sounds

Next week at 10 sounds great! If i miss the call, just leave me a voicemail, as usual. See you then!
October 2, 2009 - 7:25am — faunet

OK goodnight

OK goodnight Smiling
October 2, 2009 - 7:26am — Rilke

G'night! Thanks for your

G'night! Smiling Thanks for your prayers and weekend wishes by the way, you have a good weekend as well and good rehearsals! If you get blisters, moist burn pads from the pharmacy are your friends!
October 9, 2009 - 4:52am — Rilke

Hey girl, I am not feeling

Hey girl,

I am not feeling so well tonight =( I know we said that we would talk, but I don't think I'll be very coherent. =( I'm so sorry! Is there another time we could work this out?
October 9, 2009 - 5:18am — faunet

Yeah i feel sick to Hmm

Yeah i feel sick to Sad Hmm maybe sunday night here on tef at ten?
October 11, 2009 - 11:18pm — Rilke

Hey!! Got your messages!!!!

Hey!! Got your messages!!!! I'll be on tonight at 10 for you!!! So sorry I missed your call, will explain tonight!
October 12, 2009 - 4:43am — faunet

ok

ok
October 12, 2009 - 5:02am — Rilke

I'm on! Are you? How have

I'm on! Are you? How have things been this week?
October 12, 2009 - 5:03am — faunet

Im on .

Im on .
October 12, 2009 - 5:08am — Rilke

Sorry i've been out of touch

Sorry i've been out of touch all weekend! My back is spazzing out, and so not only is it painful, but it was making me pretty nauseous, and I have to wait until next week to go to the chiropractor. So yeah, I was just kinda out of it all weekend, and dealing with some issues at work at Starbucks, which contributed to the nausea, bleh. but I'm better now
October 12, 2009 - 5:12am — faunet

No problem. I hope you feel

No problem. I hope you feel better. Smiling


Hmm where to start. Ok my deceased uncles exwife died saturday i did not know her very well but still i know its hard on my cousins. I wont go to wake but will probably go to the funeral. Which ever since i heard we might go the details of my brothers funeral are clearer. Not that i forgot it its just EVERY little etail is comeing back from that day. Saturday my dance teacher got married went to that she seems so happy. School blagh___________ thats how i feel about that subject. I have also been working on my relationship with our heavenly Father and somehow finding that hard to do. I did not go to dance thursday Sad * wanted to but mom kept me home * / okay ill let you digest.
October 12, 2009 - 5:22am — Rilke

It makes total sense that

It makes total sense that the details of your brother's funeral are coming up clearer in your mind all of a sudden, and that it would be in your thoughts. Is there anything in particular that stands out? You don't have to tell me what it is, but maybe that's something you need to process and your mind/body is trying to tell you that. A lot of grief is simply processing the craziness that you've been through. This funeral that you're going to might be really difficult because of that, so just know that's normal and take care of yourself. That's great that you got to go to a wedding! I love weddings!!! Yeah, school is just icky. As is staying home from dance, that stinks! What reason did your mom give for keeping you home on Thursday? did you still get to go to Nutcracker rehearsals?
Relationship with the Father---yes, that will always help in any situation to work on that. Just keep in mind that you don't have to do all the work, sometimes it's about receiving Eye
October 12, 2009 - 5:30am — faunet

Ok the public viewing and

Ok the public viewing and the burial were the same day it was a closed casket no one viewed him except his (wife) But the memory that keeps coming back to me is when i was standing at the head of the casket the feelings i remember was i want to open it and grab him and run i did not want them to put dirt on him. I did not want the earthly part of him to leave me to be put somewhere out of reach. Rehersals have not started yet Sad Reasons * well i asked but all she said was she was the parent and that was reason enough*
October 12, 2009 - 5:44am — Rilke

I remember feeling something

I remember feeling something very similar at my brother's burial. Not that I wanted to take him away, but it's a very finalizing thing. We are left with no physical part to hold on to, and that's such a difficult separation...to see him drift out of reach. We can have all the hope in the world of seeing them again in Heaven, or even having a new sort of spiritual relationship right now, but as human beings, we crave that tangible presence, and it's a big separation to see your brother buried. Big, that was the hardest part for me. Just be gentle with yourself if you need some time to deal with those emotions.

When do rehearsals start for you? Do you think you could just plan to have your friend take you next Thursday to dance class? I believe in honoring the authority of parents, but you need your dance classes. Getting a ride from your friend would give your mom the rest she needs. It's not right if she says no to that.
October 12, 2009 - 5:44am — Rilke

I remember feeling something

I remember feeling something very similar at my brother's burial. Not that I wanted to take him away, but it's a very finalizing thing. We are left with no physical part to hold on to, and that's such a difficult separation...to see him drift out of reach. We can have all the hope in the world of seeing them again in Heaven, or even having a new sort of spiritual relationship right now, but as human beings, we crave that tangible presence, and it's a big separation to see your brother buried. Big, that was the hardest part for me. Just be gentle with yourself if you need some time to deal with those emotions.

When do rehearsals start for you? Do you think you could just plan to have your friend take you next Thursday to dance class? I believe in honoring the authority of parents, but you need your dance classes. Getting a ride from your friend would give your mom the rest she needs. It's not right if she says no to that.
October 12, 2009 - 5:50am — faunet

I want to deal with them but

I want to deal with them but im not ready.
I dont know next week they are going there first ballet and i might go to that. But i dont know we havent received any letters from the director. Yeh but she seems in good mood so far so maybe there wont be any problems .
October 12, 2009 - 6:01am — Rilke

That's really good that you

That's really good that you can see that you're not ready. Don't push yourself. But when you are ready, when you have the space to take in those things, the best thing i can say---what others told me---is to be gentle with yourself.

I was trying to pray about something that might help as you are working on your relationship with God. Prayer---that time for open conversation with Him, one on one, is so important! That's where every good relationship starts. Eye Also, I think God wants you to know that you are his *beloved* and that you were made that way. Check out Psalm 139, and read it slowly and take it in.

Ugh!!! How is it already 11? I have to go =( But if you want we could talk again tmorrow night
October 12, 2009 - 6:04am — faunet

Wow its 11 !! Jeez well i go

Wow its 11 !! Jeez well i go re it. Tomorrow would be good how about 10 pm ?


Your in my prayers I hope you feel better.
October 12, 2009 - 6:11am — Rilke

Tomorrow at 10 would be

Tomorrow at 10 would be great. Sorry I had to deal with giant pile of toilet paper that the 2 year old made =P Wait a long time to have kids, sister, seriously, haha

You are in my prayers as well! I am definitely feeling better now. Um, on the subject of prayer, could you keep a certain boy situation of mine in mind? I'm quite attracted to someone, and I can't really tell if he's interested in me or not. (pray that he is Eye ) hahahaha, alright, good night! we'll talk tomorrow!
October 12, 2009 - 6:16am — faunet

LOL I will certainly add

LOL
I will certainly add that to my prayers Smiling
October 14, 2009 - 4:44am — Rilke

Hey! are you on? I am, and I

Hey! are you on? I am, and I may have to cut out pretty early tonight to get some rest, my back is spazzing out again =(. hmmmm....where did we leave off? How are you?