Im on

What?!? Some of her threats have been empty yet...keep making alternate plans, like getting rides to rehearsals.
How was the funeral for you? Was that pretty hard?

I'm sorry. I know I found even funerals or hospitals in movies difficult for a while.
That sucks about your mom threatening to take away nutcracker too. I think your best bet is to have those alternate plans for rides and stuff already made so that you can use them quickly in defense. I'm sure just the approach of the holidays is making it more difficult on your mom (and certainly on you) and that's adding to her apprehension to take you to dance. There's not harm in keeping in mind those who can give you rides. And believe me, people are more willing to go out of their way for you than you would think.

I love the poem. Not that I love you being in pain, but as poetry, it speaks eloquently and vividly. It's beautiful.

You ARE going through so much right now. And at an age when your biggest dramas should be school and boys and friends and dance, not grieving your brother's death alone or dealing with your mom's incapacities (I say that not to find fault or judge, but simply to call them for what they are). I have no idea how to advise you in dealing with this, except know that it will not last forever, even though it may seem like it. Draw near to God and I will pray for your release. We pray together every morning as a dance company, and we always take prayer requests, so I will be sure to bring it up tomorrow. The hurt right now is real, but this will not last.

It is already 10:30 and I have to go to bed :(. I didn't sleep well last night because of my back, so I have to be careful about getting to bed earlier tonight (poo! Why do we need sleep!? so inconvenient). But on thursday we can talk, same time same place, and probably for much longer than lately

thank you! Get some rest then! You really are a remarkable young woman, and I wish this were not your cup to drink. My back will be fixed on Friday, yaaaaaay! Take care!

No prob go ahead.

Sounds like youve had an interesting day. Well i did not go to dance cause we got into a car wreck so yeah no one was hurt just a couple nerves were pushed.

Yeah my mom was backing up with her tailgate opened ( which we have no bloody clue how it opened ) and she backed into a car that was parked on the side of the street . Now tell me do i have drama in my life or what?

Yeah but its illegal to drive since our tailights out.And the bumper is pretty screwed to. So yeah mom still going on about the nutcracker cause she is disapointed in me being a mouse plus she does not think i will get the snowflake part.

She said she was disapointed that i was a mouse and all the other girls were snowflakes and i was not. Mrs Barb told her about my feet problem and ever since then shes told me i could never be a dancer in a company cause they were point shoes.Mom said she doesnt believe i will get the snowflake part and she believes it would be a waist of time and an embarassment to me to just do the mouse part .Thats what she thinks,

Not only all of that, but I want to clarify: being a mouse in Nutcracker isn't even a small role. It's awesome that you got cast, and you know the mice are going to be one of the most entertaining parts. Not as glamorous, it may seem, as other roles, but still vital to the ballet. And like I said, it's a jumping off point that several of us have to take.
You're probably right where you need to be with pointe shoes to. When did you start learning pointe work?
And who said this has to be about getting into a company in the future? Being in a company doesn't make you a dancer. Your dance ought to feed you right now, and if it propels you to a future career, great, but what's most important is that you are called to do it right now.

So you think her discouragement is an effort to get things to slow down? Do *you* feel like life is hectic?

I don't blame you. It sounds like you've got a good head on your shoulders, but just to hear it from someone else: Don't take any of your mom's discouragement to heart. There's not an ounce of truth in it. She's got her own battle inside right now and taking it out on you this way is not right. Is there anyone else in your life right now who's more supportive of what you're doing?

Good, you have your teachers at least. Keep in mind the good things they have to say. Keep their criticisms in mind as well, so that you can always improve, but by all means, hold on to the good and the affirmation. "Whatever is true, whatever is honorable, whatever is just, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely,whatever is gracious, if there is any excellence, if there is anything worthy of praise, think on these things." And as long as we're talking scripture, everybody thought the woman who anointed the feet of Christ was doing something pointless as well when really, she made one of the most loving acts ever given, so much so that it got recorded in the Gospel. So there.

You need not be happy or positive each day regarding your grieving--although it is good to look for the positive and to live in hope--but I just want to emphasize that discouragement about your art or your dancing just has absolutely no merit. It still hurts to hear those things, but they reflect more on the struggles of the person giving them than on you.
The thing is, you are enough just as you are. When you are sad, when you are happy, when you make mistakes in dance or in school, when you do well in dance or in school. All the time, you are enough, because your validation is not in what you do but in who you are as a beloved daughter of God, as a human being. I pray that your mom does not take away your dance classes, but that you are always given the opportunity and the courage to go. But even if you do have to leave dance classes, your mom can take away your teachers, but she can't take away your identity as a very special child of God nor can anyone take away His calling for you. He is faithful to those who trust in Him.

Have you ever read the Velveteen Rabbit? This part always made me feel better when I was going through a rough patch:

"What is REAL?" asked the Rabbit one day, when they were lying side by side near the nursery fender, before Nana came to tidy the room. "Does it mean having things that buzz inside you and a stick-out handle?"

"Real isn't how you are made," said the Skin Horse. "It's a thing that happens to you. When a child loves you for a long, long time, not just to play with, but REALLY loves you, then you become Real."

"Does it hurt?" asked the Rabbit.

"Sometimes," said the Skin Horse, for he was always truthful. "When you are Real you don't mind being hurt."

"Does it happen all at once, like being wound up," he asked, "or bit by bit?"

"It doesn't happen all at once," said the Skin Horse. "You become. It takes a long time. That's why it doesn't happen often to people who break easily, or have sharp edges, or who have to be carefully kept. Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in the joints and very shabby. But these things don't matter at all, because once you are Real you can't be ugly, except to people who don't understand."

On a side note, i think it's Mary of Bethany, not Mary Mother of Jesus, but all the same, an act of beauty and love worth far more than anyone gave it credit for at the time.

Ugh! Time goes so fast. I miss phone chats, I get to hear a lot more from you, but this works. I need to go as I promised to come to an extra rehearsal tomorrow. I'm sorry things are so crappy right now for you. You have a lot of people on this side praying for you.

Also, just for giggles, when i left my friends' apartment, some stranger left a damp sock on the roof of my car...I guess it's the thought that counts? =P

hmm yeah i miss talking on the phone as well what times are you free tommorow or this weekend? LOL a sock soeone once left a pair of pants on the roof of our car .

Ok well Ill try to call Monday at 10 if your off but iff i dont we can just talk on tef sound good?
You are in my prayers. O hows that guy you asked me to pray for?

Ugh! I work tomorrow! What are you doing on Wednesday night?

Yeah i saw it like 5 minites ago and a sorry about the messages. Wednesday fine at 1o here on TeF ?

Yea!!!

Weekend was hmm yeck. Today i found out rehersals start on halloween day. I got reelly emotional cause thats the last day we spent with Chris before going home the next day. I still dont know if mom will let be in the nutcracker. One of the girls noticed me make a brake to the back room and asked me what was wrong I told about how halloween was the day i last saw him before going home. She quoted the Bible we prayed talked about God and she said she would give me a list of verses she thought would help me ( but she does like everyone else knows nothing on how my brother died) How have you been?

I dont want the others to know it was comforting to a certain extent but then she does not know the truth so hm. We talked like how he was with God we prayed to Him no we did not talk alot. Moms really going for the nooooooo nutcracker thing so I might not go.

Ok thats wow i would have at least cried at that. So your back is fixed?

She quoted 1 Peter 5:7 an she said that she would write some references down for me and give them to me tomorrow. But I still do not know why I reacted to the date so strongly Ive known about it for weeks