September 23, 2019 - 12:48pm — HeartClock
So... For those who are unaware, since I've only said it on my personal blog, I have decided to stay away from TEF for a while for mental reasons.
The problem, however, is that I still like TEF and everytime I think about it, I just want to come back, especially when there's an event happening, like the Rut. But let's face it: it fuels my anxiety more than it helps me overcome it. And yes, I understand that sometimes, you just have to ignore certain things. Yet there are other things that I just can't let go, simply because I want to understand why it is the way it is and what I can do to make it better.
However, you can't fix the problem if people don't even tell you what the problem is, in the first place. And this is why I'm making this post.
It is directed to those who interacted with me in the past, but also those who want to interact with me in the future.
Now, granted, I admit that I am a very paranoid person (and not just when it comes about social interaction). But I really have the feeling that there are things about me that bother others yet they won't tell me. Obviously, I am not going to say names, they know who they are... or maybe they don't know or simply don't care. If they want to talk to me privately, they can do it on Discord, anyway.
This ranges from not responding to my messages when you're supposed to, to avoiding me completely. And by "not responding to my messages", I mean stuff like ending the conversation without even returning the goodbyes, for example (happened to me a few times), which makes me feel like you don't like me for some reason and you just want to end the interaction as soon as possible. If the person talks to me again in a friendly way after, then I know that they are just cold/rude by nature and that they don't really have anything against me personally.
But this is basically the kind of things that makes me feel like I did something wrong and then I keep thinking about it, trying to figure out what I did or said that made the person behave or react like this with me. Sometimes, I manage to figure it out, but other times the answer just slips away from me completely.
And this is why I think that the only way for me to feel better in this community, is simply to address the issues that make me feel this way. I know that at least some of you don't say anything because you don't wanna hurt my feelings or something like that, but I need to know, even if you think the issue is silly, because I cannot improve as a person otherwise. I don't want people to misjudge me. I don't want people to feel uncomfortable or bad around me. So please, PLEASE, if something about me bothers you, anything, please tell me. It's always a torture for me when people don't tell me anything because I want to understand and fix the problem and it will keep coming back to haunt me until I find the answers. Not necessarily every single day, but every bad interaction I had with people, even strangers, resurface in my mind often, especially during my (supposedly) relaxing moments where I'm lying down and doing nothing.
I could ask them myself, but it's very easy for me to be intimidated by people I don't know much about and/or who are cold, at least in appearance. So if there is an issue you want to address with me, please contact me on Discord.
Of course, it has to be constructive. If you just tell me that I did/said/behaved like this or that without explaining to me why it offended you, then I can't really do anything about it. Yes, I can figure things out by myself but it can take me some time and I think it would be best to hear it from you directly so that I don't misinterpret things.
I'm still working on myself and I have a long way to go, so I would really appreciate it a lot since it would help me and make me feel better, knowing that others are not being hypocritical and/or hiding things from me because that's how I've been feeling for a long time now.
I really want to make some efforts and be able to stay active on TEF without stressing out so much about my own behavior.
Thank you for reading this, I hope you will all have a nice day.
And now that I have written all of this, I feel like this post will be taken the wrong way......... *sigh* I seriously need to stop worrying so much...
i'm not sure if we ever had
also feel free to contact me via discord; Raskaya#7348 if you'd like to speak it out in a more private setting or for whatever reason. i really hope you'll sort out this problem eventually <3
No issues with me. You've
Wishing you well ♥
I've always seen you in a
stay strong!
If people are not
In therapy I learned most of my anxiety stemmed from listening to thoughts that weren’t even true, for instance, convincing myself people didn’t like me. I combated this by reminding myself that I’m likeable at least in some way, embracing the fact that not everyone’s going to like me (and I’m not changing for anyone), and accepting that confrontation is inevitable at some point in life. I learned to be direct with people, and I hold others to the same standard I hold myself in terms of directness and communication. If they can’t openly communicate with me, I’m not going to pry. Why beg? Why validate and try to confirm something so negative, something that may not even be true?
And so what if they hate you—then what?
That being said, if you love the game, enjoy it for what it is. You can quit the community site but still play in the forest. If you decide to stay, and want to hangout, I will gladly hangout with you.
Agreeing with Rayvn
From what I can recall, I
You are also welcome to approach any of my characters in-game should they/you desire company. If not that, I'm always available on discord.
note: I also agree with Ravyn's comment.
Hello sweety. I will third
That takes a while to find but once you do, it makes everything so much easier, and the little interactions you have here don't feel as devastating if they're not ideal for you.
What I'm trying to say is:
I hear you. I see you. I'm sorry you feel this way but I hope you're able to come out on the other side okay.
And honestly - taking a break is an absolutely wonderful idea. I had to do it in order to gain perspective on some things that caused me panic attacks. There's no shame in it.
Good luck! Reach out if you need anything.
@Raskaya: We never interacted
@Aivilo: We didn't interact much, that's true, but thank you for the wish. ♥
@vessan: Thank you for the support, and for telling me. ♥ I know I should probably just go talk to the concerned people, but like I said, I get easily intimidated and I'm scared to bother or anger them...
@Ravyn: I don't wanna change for anyone, but if my behavior or attitude offends someone when it's not my intent, then I want to make it clear that I don't mean to hurt them in any way, simply because I don't want anyone to be hurt and I don't want them to misjudge me and have the wrong image of me. I know some people will never give me a second chance, or that the reason why they got offended in the first place was ridiculous (considering they are people that dumb in this world), but I want to at least try. If you can clear things out and dissipate the misunderstanding, then why not do it? Just because the other person doesn't talk about it doesn't mean they don't care or something. Some people don't dare speak out about it because they're too shy and anxious to dare point out things that bother them about other people's behavior directly to said people. Heck, even I, myself, don't dare say a word sometimes because the other person intimidates me so much, I'm scared I would make things worse.
As for the game... I can't enjoy it without the community. What draws me to the game in the first place is mainly the roleplaying part. Because, sure the Forest is relaxing and stuff, but things quickly get boring when you repeat the same old activities over and over without a change, especially since the Forest is extremely small. There is nothing to explore anymore. It's all spending my time prancing around, sitting and doing nothing, casting spells etc, in a small world that I already know like the back of my hand. I easily get bored of repetitive stuff like this. If I quit the community site, then I would have to either play OOCly or roleplay with the same people on Discord, which will get boring eventually if I just restrict myself to those people and characters for months. It's always nice to expand your social circle, even if you meet people that will put you in a stressful situation.
And that's the thing: I don't want to miss the good stuff just to avoid the bad stuff. If I was to do that in Real Life, oh dear, I would not be living anymore. But I just can't stick in my mind the idea that there are things and people that I cannot change or convince and that there will always be someone to hate me, no matter how hard I try to be on good terms with them... I managed to find a method to prevent myself from remembering the bad social situations I faced in the past, but I don't know how to stop worrying about my social life in the present yet. Everybody keeps telling me the same things, like that I have to forget about those who refuse to change their mind and such, but it's hard for me to actually apply those things. Although I've been making some progress lately, but it's just slow progress. I'm still working on it...
Anyway, thank you. ♥
@Clare: Thank you. ♥
@Basen: Well, we haven't interacted much, but I'm glad I didn't make a bad impression on you either. Thank you. ♥
@pumpkinseed: Wow, thank you. ♥ The only things I enjoy away from TEF are mainly singleplayer videogames... which aren't really enough because I want to try other activities as well. I'm still finding myself and trying to find my new passion and perhaps even my vocation... but because I have no goals in life and I don't really know where to start, I have completely lost interest and motivation in stuff that I used to love doing, like drawing... I'm gonna get a guitar very soon though, hopefully playing a musical instrument will help.
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Thank you for all of your support, including that of those who contacted me via Discord. ♥
You have no idea how much it means to me, it's just so heartwarming to see such supportive and positive feedback... You guys are amazing, ALL of you! And I mean it! ♥ It goes to the point where I am now wondering if all of my worries were just in my head and if I'm just misinterpreting things.
I want to participate in the Rut before it ends, but I'm unsure if I will stay active afterwards or if I will back on break for the time being.
But at least, I feel better now. Thank you so much y'all... ♥