By a player formerly known as LexFirehind

Hi...So, um. . I've been back on TEF since yesterday. I know, I know, I haven't been here in like forever. But there's many reasons for that, actually, and it's a very long story. I prefer not to give all the details of my life from last christmas but I can explain some.

Well I wanted to have a clean slate here so a month ago I got new account and a new deer. Naturally, I wasn't fully back and I didn't want to play with my chara as a fawn so I let it "age." Now that she's grown up, I plan to be more active in game and in the community. Right now, I got my character resting on the Red Hill as I am writing this.

Ok ok...I'll explain about my deer in a few-now I want to talk about what has been going on. If you remember from my old accolunt, the LexFirehind one, I sorta left TEF due to having love issues with my best long distance friend from Sweden, who I had known for ages. You remember how I was longing for her to come back from her WoW addiction and hang out with me more. Well...come after New Years, she did. Since then, we've been refriending and catching up over a year and a half of our friendship put on hiatus, due to her addiction. It was awesome and the more she came online to talk to me everyday, the more I fell in love with her, however I don't think it was romantic. More like a sisterly kind of love. But still, being a fool for love and not knowing which is which, I still wanted to ask her out. However, in fears of rejection and her being scared out of being my friend thereafter, I held myself back. Until, on a chilly morning in March, I deceided to ask her out. And I did and waiting for a rejection, she said yes.

Seemingly it looked promising-we never quarreled, been there for eachother, and even tried to make plans to see eachother this summer. However, she only made herself appear to be fine on the outside. Quiet frankily, it was emotionally taxing on my part and I admit, I felt like our relationship was wrong and it seldom felt good, as I did a huge wrong and a mistake for asking her out. I love her but...I long now know that I only loved her like an older twin sister, as she was the same age as me. On my side, I will be very frantic whenever she wouldn't go online on MSN for a day, because I afraid something bad happened to her like she got in a car accident or she just picked up and left into her little world with WoW, never to talk to me again while hanging on a sleeping relationship. My fears disappeared when she does come back online with her apoligizing. Also quite frankily, I slowly was becoming a very dependant indivual on her, needing love and reassurement all the time, I become detached from my family and even hated them at times even though they supported me and my friend, esp when they intervened with me wanting to fly over to Sweden this summer on my lonesome when they think that she should comeover to the states first.I was slowly becoming an extra shadow of her-I started to like alot of the things she liked that I wouldn't really like on my own and also put away some of my interests as I replace them with her interests. I was losing my mark as an indivual.

Also, she was having her own set of problems too. Shortly before she and I were a couple, she had been recently diagnosed with Asperger's. After 23 years of living and going though life dealing with therapists who couldn't figure out her condition, they finally got her diagnosis. With that diagnosis, she started to be on MSN less as life was starting to have her become busy, with all the meetings to help her live a more structured and independant life. As things got more busy in April, she was slowly becoming a depressed and morose woman, and she like was one of the most uplifting and awesome people I knew who wouldn't let herself be upset for long. Now she was becoming angry with herself, along with anxiety breakdowns and it can last for days. Sometimes it'll be too much for her to bear that she wouldn't want to talk to me, just because she don't want to take out her anger on me. Heck, she even got up to the point that talking to me almost everyday was effecting her very bad in her life and home, so she asked me if we can meet less like save it for the weekends. I told her I was alright with that, despite in the past I would be panicky when she wouldn't show up for even a day. She also said we should be more less affectionate (in terms of sending eachother emotes for a kiss or a hug) as she in real life, said that she's like the least cuddlily person in the world, as she has a phobia of being touched and never liked getting too much attention. And I was starting to see how that would be a problem because I'm one who needs alot of love and touch, as I never had enough as a child except from my grandmother!!! She did say that she'll try to make exceptions in terms of affection with me, just for my benefit.

It seemed like a good plan but even that plan was too much for her. The next day, the deal breaker came. On April 19th, while I was in my 2D Design class, she came on MSN on a day she said she will not loggin, she came and said she just can't deal with it anymore. That being in a LDR was too much to bear, that she tried to love me romanticly and failed. She thought she did at first as I did but simply said, to her I was just a really good friend, and she asked me if we can get back on that level. I was a good sport though and quite frankily I was seeing all the red flags of a break up over the last few days. So it was really no huge surprise. Like I was mentally preparing for the relationship to end. I didn't even cry, just was in a fog for a while. After her plea to be my friend, I accepted her friendship, as I don't want her out of my life and I had no resentment, no hatred for her. Seeing how there were many factors in her life that made her being with me was too overbearing, I had sypathy and I just wanted her to be alright so nothing serious can happen to her. I told her that I'll be happy to just be her friend for now on, as I was being effected very badly with a LDR and it was killing me from the inside as well. We were both happy we could mutually break up and work on just being friends for good.

However, we couldn't work on reworking our friendship anytime soon. After we broke up, she said she has to be away for god knows how long, as she's dealing with all this therpy for her diagnosis and life was intense for her at that time. Plus she needed a break from DA and MSN so she can focus on her problems she has to work on. I was sad to see her leave once again-what can I do? I want to be there for her and be her friend. We still promised that someday we'll meet eachother but really...was this worth me waiting in my dorm room for her return for the past year? Was it worth me closing off from the community of my new university, refusing to go out and make friends simply because I was afraid that someone else will enter the space in my heart I saved for her? Was it worth also my fear that she'll log in onMSN ona blue moon and I would be afk with friends, missing the opportunity of her hanging out with me? Seriously, I felt I worked sooooo long for her to enter my life once again and here she is, needing to leave again. I let her go though, for her benefit. With an exchange of virtual hugs, apolgies, and promises that one day she'll be back and we can be best friends like we used to, she left. She went back in her own life and I was in limbo. Not sure what to do next.

It tooka while for me to get in the groove that I will not be hanging out with her for a long while. But finally, after 3 months, I feel that things are getting back on track. I am gonna turn over a new leaf at uni, do my best to make new friends, make room for someone else who may love me unconditionally one of these days, and also I've been working on getting indivuallity back. I've been resurfacing my hobbies, my interests and even been invloved in some new things like knitting. I watched movies that I've always liked before she and I became a couple, I've reworked on some of the friendships I do have in my bloody college, including a dear friend who I met last fall who's been there for me, thick and thin and I was a shallow bastard to her, lost in fabrications and taking her for granted. Things are alot better between me and her though....so we fixed my ego. I got another friend over for the rest of the summer with me and he's awesome. I've become closer to my grandparents again....things are alright for me now. And for my life as an artist, I've been busy busy busy with that since my work was been rather halfassed last winter. No need to worry about me....when fall comes and I can head back to uni, it'll be a clean slate. Already I got an interest in a girl I've seen and even talked to a few times, so I'm planning next fall I'llbe persuing her friendship and enter the sheltered harbor of my little circle of friends.

And also, concerning my friend, she still had not returned as she's dealing with things. But it's alright, it's not like she and I are no longer friends. To be honest this may be good for us as this may help us get back in that track when we were best friends. This may help us retain it and be friends until the end, which is what I want. Someday she'll return and we'll hang out and have tiny chats. And I'll leave it up to her to choose when she wants to hang out, just so I don't pressure her and maybe jeopardize our friendship. I have good faith she'll be back someday but first in the meantime, I'm helping myself. I'll be there for her as I fully know and understand what she is going through, but also I need to learn to love myself, no matter how much I see myself as a disgusting creature.

And I'll try to get more active here aswell of course... I've said that several times before and it hasn't happened so far. But I'm for certin that I will be more active here like I used to. Hell I made a new character and I'm ready to play with her. Soon I'll be making a profile and a reference of her soon. Come over to the Red Hill and say "hi" to her c:

And OMG this sounds like an emo-rant or something silly like that, but it's really not. I'm in a good mood and quite happy, and I'm not feeling sorry for myself or anything like that. I'm just saying how things have been, how they are, and how I want them to go in the near future.

And that's about it. . thanks for reading. Hope I didn't waste your time. Oh and to all my friends, I missed you all! *nuzzles*

PS. Thank you TriggerMortis and OokamiAzura to getting me back on TEF <3 i LOVE BOTH OF YOUS