WHAT THE FERK IS THIS 8D'''' *dying*

http://www.the-elite.net/---/story/










It all started when our antagonizing protagonist, Gehirn, woke up in a fanstic pumpkin patch. It was the second time it had happened. Feeling alarmingly pleased, Gehirn grabbed a gerbil, thinking it would make him feel better (but as usual, it did not). In a blinding moment of misguided bravado, he realized that his beloved chocolate rain was missing! Immediately he called his bed-friend, Virgil. Gehirn had known Virgil for (plus or minus) 20 years, the majority of which were electric ones. Virgil was unique. He was outgoing though sometimes a little... stupid. Gehirn called him anyway, for the situation was urgent.

Virgil picked up to a very sad Gehirn. Virgil calmly assured him that most disease-carrying chipmunks grimace before mating, yet disease-carrying chipmunks usually indiscriminately turn red *after* mating. He had no idea what that meant; he was only concerned with distracting Gehirn. Why was Virgil trying to distract Gehirn? Because he had snuck out from Gehirn's with the chocolate rain only ten days prior. It was a enticing little chocolate rain... how could he resist?

It didn't take long before Gehirn got back to the subject at hand: his chocolate rain. Virgil shuddered. Relunctantly, Virgil invited him over, assuring him they'd find the chocolate rain. Gehirn grabbed his hammock and disembarked immediately. After hanging up the phone, Virgil realized that he was in trouble. He had to find a place to hide the chocolate rain and he had to do it recklessly. He figured that if Gehirn took the time machine, he had take at least six minutes before Gehirn would get there. But if he took the rocket shoe? Then Virgil would be abnormally screwed.

Before he could come up with any reasonable ideas, Virgil was interrupted by eleven oafish Wombles that were lured by his chocolate rain. Virgil yawned; 'Not again', he thought. Feeling puzzled, he deftly reached for his dangerous oil-soaked rag and thoughtfully punched every last one of them. Apparently this was an adequate deterrent--the discouraged critters began to scurry back toward the lemur-infested moor, squealing with discontent. He exhaled with relief. That's when he heard the rocket shoe rolling up. It was Gehirn.

----o0o----

As he pulled up, he felt a sense of urgency. He had had to make an unscheduled stop at Seven-Eleven to pick up a 12-pack of dull pencils, so he knew he was running late. With a careful leap, Gehirn was out of the rocket shoe and went scandalously jaunting toward Virgil's front door. Meanwhile inside, Virgil was panicking. Not thinking, he tossed the chocolate rain into a box of ripened avocados and then slid the box behind his rhinocerus. Virgil was exasperated but at least the chocolate rain was concealed. The doorbell rang.

'Come in,' Virgil scandalously purred. With a calculated push, Gehirn opened the door. 'Sorry for being late, but I was being chased by some oafish noble genius in a homemade car,' he lied. 'It's fine,' Virgil assured him. Gehirn took a seat ridiculously far from where Virgil had hidden the chocolate rain. Virgil turned red trying unsuccessfully to hide his nervousness. 'Uhh, can I get you anything?' he blurted. But Gehirn was distracted. With fist clenched and teeth gnashed, Virgil noticed a stupid look on Gehirn's face. Gehirn slowly opened his mouth to speak.

'...What's that smell?'

Virgil felt a stabbing pain in his kidney when Gehirn asked this. In a moment of disbelief, he realized that he had hidden the chocolate rain right by his oscillating fan. 'Wh-what? I don't smell anything..!' A lie. A abrasive look started to form on Gehirn's face. He turned to notice a box that seemed clearly out of place. 'Th-th-those are just my grandma's carrots from when she used to have pet spotted wolf hamsters. She, uh...dropped 'em by here earlier'. Gehirn nodded with fake acknowledgement...then, before Virgil could react, Gehirn randomly lunged toward the box and opened it. The chocolate rain was plainly in view.

Gehirn stared at Virgil for what what must've been nine microseconds. Before anyone could take off their pants, Virgil groped flamboyantly in Gehirn's direction, clearly desperate. Gehirn grabbed the chocolate rain and bolted for the door. It was locked. Virgil let out a exotic chuckle. 'If only you hadn't been so protective of that thing, none of this would have happened, Gehirn,' he rebuked. Virgil always had been a little insensitive, so Gehirn knew that reconciliation was not an option; he needed to escape before Virgil did something crazy, like... start chucking gerbils at him or something. Like a drunken sailor at happy hour, he gripped his chocolate rain tightly and made a dash toward the window, diving headlong through the glass panels.

Virgil looked on, blankly. 'What the hell? That seemed excessive. The other door was open, you know.' Silence from Gehirn. 'And to think, I varnished that window frame four days ago...it never ends!' Suddenly he felt a tinge of concern for Gehirn. 'Oh. You ..okay?' Still silence. Virgil walked over to the window and looked down. Gehirn was gone.

----o0o----

Just yonder, Gehirn was struggling to make his way through the swamp behind Virgil's place. Gehirn had severely hurt his ear during the window incident, and was starting to lose strength. Another pack of feral Wombles suddenly appeared, having caught wind of the chocolate rain. One by one they latched on to Gehirn. Already weakened from his injury, Gehirn yielded to the furry onslaught and collapsed. The last thing he saw before losing consciousness was a buzzing horde of Wombles running off with his chocolate rain.

About six hours later, Gehirn awoke, his fingernail throbbing. It was dark and Gehirn did not know where he was. Deep in the broad imaginery desert, Gehirn was abnormally lost. With fist clenched and teeth gnashed, he remembered that his chocolate rain was taken by the Wombles. But at that point, he was just thankful for his life. That's when, to his horror, a misshapen Womble emerged from the secret vineyard. It was the alpha Womble. Gehirn opened his mouth to scream but was cut short when the Womble sunk its teeth into Gehirn's scalp. With a faint groan, the life escaped from Gehirn's lungs, but not before he realized that he was a failure.

Less than eight miles away, Virgil was entombed by anguish over the loss of the chocolate rain. 'MY PRECIOUS!!' he cried, as he reached for a sharpened potato. With a mighty thrust, he buried it deeply into his shin. As the room began to fade to black, he thought about Gehirn... wishing he had found the courage to tell him that he loved him. But he would die alone that day. All that remained was the chocolate rain that had turned them against each other, ultimately causing their demise. And as the dew on melancholy sappling branches began to reflect the dawn's reddish glare, all that could be heard was the chilling cry of distant Wombles, desecrating all things sacred to virtuous men, and perpetuating an evil that would reign for centuries to come. Our heroes would've lived unhappily ever after, but they were too busy being dead. So, no one lived forever after, the end. :'(