As many of you know, I posted back in October about my dog having cancer. She has a malignant tumour in her right nasal cavity growing into her brain. It started with a nosebleed, then seizures. We got a CAT scan of her brain, finally, which led us to finding that. The only way to cure her would be to cut her head open, suck the tumor out, and then give her radiation. There's no guarantee she'd survive.
She's not a very young dog, but she's not very old either. She's 10. Nowadays, that's... old, but not knocking on death's door necessarily. We found out about this the week after I had a bad car accident, so that didn't help. I've gone through so many emotions.. anger, fear, depression, not caring.. and now, I just don't know. Christmas has come and gone, and I just.. really don't care.
I've lost many pets. My last dog I lost to cancer. But she was gone in a week. Kelsie.. I have to watch her every day, and it's so very hard. Especially when I know I can't help her. And she can't tell me "hey, I hurt." Somedays, she just stares at me and I don't know what to do.
I've lost people to cancer. I just.. I don't know.
Since Christmas day, things have been changing with her. I think the tumor is getting bigger, because it's getting harder for her to breathe. I know we'll have to decide soon to let her go and let her be free. It's something I really don't want to think about.
I still remember her as that little puppy in the pound who was sitting in the corner. Brought there because she was accused of being a biter. She had been abused. She's saved our lives twice. She's the best with kids. She's patient. She rarely barks. There will never be another Kelsie.

And I am afraid of that. But I know it has to happen.

If you've read this far, thank you for listening. I really do appreciate it.