July 12, 2024 - 6:47am — Aru
Lately I've been finding it really difficult with staying on top of my studies. As a result I completely botched two exams last trimester and I've found myself having to do resits, which I've never had to do before. The pass mark was already insanely low initially, but I couldn't even do that and the pass percentage has increased as a result. Anything that distracts me will have me on another tangent for an hour until I can sit myself down, only to focus for a grand total of half an hour until I get distracted again. It didn't really help that I was just sort of constantly talking with my friends on voice calls-- I found it hard to focus on them and on my content at the same time. I've tried stopping that altogether for a bit as I get ready for my last re-sit, but the issue still glares at me with things not making sense and not being able to get my act together. It makes me feel really directionless and "lazy" like what some people might call it.
I just don't really know what to do, especially with my parents. I tried to argue that I would like to take a lower load (so that I can have more time to improve my grades and not feel like a total failure), but my mum just said that I had no excuse because I didn't have a job or any other commitments outside of school. Which is, while true, really sad for my GPA; I was doing really well when I had a lower course load, which is to be expected, but feeling like I was winning at something really did help with doing things. I understand they just want me to "finish on time", but now I'm just barely scraping by for other courses again (and failed some others) and it feels really horrid. That sense of failure is really... something. Looming over you.
I don't really want to have to chase up the courses I failed, but with the way things are going and my mindset, I might have to. My last re-sit still felt really uncertain and I didn't manage to answer all the questions properly. University has just been really sucky and my incentive in talking with my peers is nowhere to be found. I thought things would be different when I moved interstate, and that I'd be able to adapt, since I was able to do that during high school (not during college though, but at least then I was doing classes I enjoyed). I'm already nearly two years in on my degree and I haven't really made any friends or fostered any good study habits, or felt like I achieved anything, at all. I don't have a job, or internship, and I don't go outside except if it's with my family or walking the dog. But there's no one to blame but myself. It's hard to maintain friendships, let alone be the first one to reach out and try to be friends with someone. At least it's easier online, but sometimes it creeps on me that I'm just alone in my room, always sitting, always... doing nothing, and lagging behind on university from sheer disinterest.
Anyways, I ought to go back to studying. I've got my last re-sit tomorrow, but things are feeling really dreary. Because of my past mistakes I had to forgo my regular break and I'll have to just keep on going with school (the first week of school is the week right after this last resit, which is on Saturday. I really miss playing games and talking to my friends online and all that. I just hope it doesn't make me snap into even worse habits). I hope I can turn it around next trimester and get on top of assignments so I can be ahead of lecture content, but most times it feels like I'm just trying to push myself along until summer break, and not really... excelling, at anything, which was what I was used to during high school. (I mean, I wasn't a straight-A student, but I did get pretty decent grades that I could feel proud to bring home, and friends I frequently hung out with.)
But... that's all, really. Sorry if you read through this and just saw a bunch of complaining, but life gets like that. I think I just had to write this out to get it off my chest. Hopefully I can look back at this at a few months time, or years, and be able to say that I earned some small victories afterwards. Since at the moment it feels like nothing is really going my way at all.
Let's just see, huh?
rooting for you, you got this