Under cut, because this is a loooooooooong post.

Well... I'm just kinda in a feeling where I don't even know how to describe it.

And I know I've told this story many times. I bet a lot of you are like "pfft, this girl again, just ignore her..." And really, if you are, I don't blame you. I really don't care if anyone sees this or not. I just wanna get this off of my chest... and I want my friends to know why I care about them so much. I just kinda wanna describe myself today. I feel I've been a stranger too long on this place and I need to explain myself and who I really am, why I have acted the way I have.

I've changed dramatically over the past three years. I know I've said it many times. And I've thanked you for it. But I haven't gone over every single detail over what has happened in the past three years. I've told some of you what has happened, but not everything. So, let me tell you, with every detail, the whole story of what has happened in the past three years, on here and in real life.

First of all, that.

I might have said, "So my friend in real life said this...", but I never really meant the "in real life" part. Everything that I see, think, hear, do, and all my friends, whether from the Internet or not, are all real life. There is no "real life" and the "other life" for me. Everyone I met, I care and love about, whether I see them or not.

When I first joined, I was 11. When I was 11, I was extremely immature, even for an 11 year old. I wish time travel was real, because if it was I would beat myself. It was that bad. Stupid and mean and horrible... those are the words that come to mind when I think of my younger self. I also didn't make much friends. I tried, but they all looked at me weird and just walked away. I cried a lot. I wondered why I couldn't make friends. It wasn't a happy time for me. I was negative, thought about suicide, and all that stuff that is really unhealthy for an 11 year old kid to be thinking about.

So when I first joined TEF, I kinda terrorized the place, with my tantrums and saying hurtful things to others... when I first joined TEF, it was just for fun. I had no idea how much it would change me.

Over the year, I began to listen.

Because all the people here... were so different than the people at my school. If I said something mean, it would take them literally years to forgive me. Yes, years. I remember once I said something mean to another girl, she only recently forgave me. I said it to her when I was in fourth grade. I'm in seventh grade now.

I'm surrounded by a lot of immature people. At school, in my family, pretty much everywhere I went. But here, the people were so nice and mature. They forgave me when I said terrible things. They supported me, and gave me a feeling of belonging that I had never quite felt before.

This was how a real family was to act. When I joined TEF my family was being split apart, and was to be broken into pieces that can't ever be put together again. I felt TEF was my only family. They cared about me and loved me, and forgave me... like a real family. When other members fell, they would be picked up. When fights broke out, they would be forgiven. This was not the family I grew up in. This was the family I yearned for my whole life. And I finally found it.

So, I listened to others. I accepted ideas of fun and love from this place.

This is when I just began to relax. I had less tantrums, and I started to become so much more nicer and mature. I also became more sociable and outgoing over my stay here. I got so many more friends, and I finally got this sense of belonging and love that I had been looking for my whole life. From friends in school and friends here.

I was positive, finally. I was happy-go-lucky the majority of the time and I had a great life.

Now, noticed how I said "were" a lot when I'm talking about how nice this place was.
Not "is" or "are".
"Were" and "Was"

This place also changed dramatically. Unfortunately, for the worse. I remember when I had a huge tantrum on here, all I had to say was "I'm sorry" and I was instantly forgiven. But it doesn't work like that anymore. More and more people broke out in huge fights like that, and even though people said "sorry" and "I forgive you", they didn't really mean it. For some reason, cuts and scratches started to be left unhealed.

Fights kept breaking out. More cuts and scratches. Adults always yelling at kids. Kids yelling back at them. Members yelling at others for pointless reasons. Eventually, this place became pretty bruised. All the feeling of love and caring and belonging and family here... all just kinda faded away.

And I have no idea why.

I just kinda walked around here, without any feelings, like a zombie. My love for this place faded away as I watched this once loving family fall to chaos and hate. Sometimes I'd catch myself thinking "God, why do I keep going on here? I f*****g hate this place" and I'd stop myself. I say those kinds of things about my family. But is this a family anymore?

The best way I can describe this place is like a pack of wolves. We used to love. Then, we all became starving wolves. We turned around and started to bite each other's limbs off, and not give a crap if we hurt someone in the process.

We all turned to monsters. I tried not to, but I became one as well.

As I watched helplessly as this place succumbed to chaos. I couldn't do anything. I watched as my only family, the only family that actually cared and loved, burned. It was painful watching. It turned me bitter. And angry. I started to just... hate everything again. I made a circle: I was once again stupid, mean, horrible. And just bitter and angry. But now I'm smarter than I was when I was 11.

It isn't just me that changed. It isn't just TEF that changed.

The whole world has changed.

I know how this world works now.

There is no such thing as a "happy family". Most marriages end up in divorce now, and the children have to watch their family break apart. And even if the marriage does stay together, the whole family probably hate each other's guts. In society, nobody is equal. It doesn't matter if you're white, black, male, female, straight, gay, no matter what you are you will be hated forever.

Everyone just hates each other. I don't know why, but the human race turned into the most hateful species in the world. TEF didn't succumb to this hate right away, though.

For some reason, I think I may have pushed TEF to this fate. I have a feeling my fights and tantrums turned this place just like every other goddamn place in this world.

I hate myself. For doing this to a once sacred place that I could run away to. I took a piece of heaven and turned it into something worse than hell.

I hate myself so much.

I have no feelings. Just anger and bitterness and hate. I don't wanna be that person, but I am.

I just wish I could pick this place back up and put it on ground... but I can't.

So...

I probably just gonna finally give this place up.

Maybe forever.

There is just no love.

I'll probably be on the game more, though, because that was my original intention. Just to play the game. Maybe I just should have sticked to the game and never bothered with this place. I don't know. But... that brings me to my next point.

Dear Micheal and Auriea-

Not sure if you will read this, but... just wanted to let you know that I am so thankful for you guys making such a unique game like this. You have brought joy to many people because of this. I will always love and remember this game, for how different it was. No fighting. No violence. No hate. Just love.

While, the forums may not be what it is supposed to be, the game will always be about love.
Thank you. ~BluedeerLegend18

And to my friends...

thank you. For changing me. And helping me.

Just for nostalgia, I looked at all my old posts... and I read my very first post here, introducing me to here. And one of the very first things I said here was "See you in the Forest".

Well... I am truly going to do what I meant to do now.

See you in the forest.