My friend and I were driving, and a salt-truck passed us, spraying salt on the road for the snow-- and a lot of it bounced around and went on the bumper of the car...
She said we just got asSALTed. LOL
Trig- I can't believe it took me more than 10 seconds to get than one. Well played ;D
CM- I'm sure that experience left a bad taste in your mouth ;D /rimshot
A traveler in the Himalayas came upon a great
gathering of holy men and philosophers, representing
all aspects of belief and including one aged guru
reputed to have achieved Nirvana by subsisting
entirely on a diet of asparagus.
The traveler was astonished when, in a sudden
mountain shower, all of the participants in this
conclave were drenched except the asparagus-eater.
"This is not incredible," explained the guide.
"Bliss is the awning of the sage of asparagus."
There was a group of TEFers who sent ten different puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
My Mom and her family, as a kid, had "Bad pun Fridays." The dinner table was the main victim. I have these things in my blood (and my Word documents). These are lame as Hell. I'll save you from the one-liners. Here are three stories.
A long time ago, in Communist Russia, there was a famous weather man named Rudolf.
He's always had a 100% accuracy rate for his forecasts of the Russian weather conditions. His people loved him and respected him for his faultless foresight. He was particularly good at predicting rain. One night, despite clear skies, he made the prediction on the 6:00pm news broadcast that a violent storm was approaching. It would flood the town in which he and his wife lived. He warned the people to take proper precautions and prepare for the worst.
After he arrived home later that evening, his wife met him at the door and started arguing with him that his weather prediction was the most ridiculous thing she had ever heard. This time, she said, he had made a terrible mistake. There wasn't a cloud anywhere within 10 miles of the village. As a matter of fact, that day had been the most beautiful day that the town had ever had and it was quite obvious to everyone that it simply wasn't going to rain.
He told her she was to be quiet and listen to him. If he said it was going to rain, IT WAS GOING TO RAIN. He had all of his Russian heritage behind him and he knew what he was talking about. She argued that although he came from a proud heritage, IT STILL WASN'T GOING TO RAIN.
They argued back and forth for hours , so much that they went to bed mad at each other.
During the night, sure enough one of the worst rainstorms hit the village the likes of which they had never seen. That morning when Rudolf and his wife arose, they looked out the window and saw all the water that had fallen that night.
"See," said Rudolf, "I told you it was going to rain." His wife admitted: "Once again your prediction came true. But I want to know, just how were you so accurate, Rudolf?"
To which he replied, "You see, Rudolf the Red knows rain dear!"
Two good Montana buddies were out hunting for a cougar that was killing their sheep. They staked out an area of the woods near their fields, and waited. After a while, sure enough, there came the cougar. They patiently waited until it was close, and then they both jumped up and shot it at the same time. They couldn't tell whose bullet had taken the cougar's life! They decided to share the credit, and also to have the cougar stuffed, and they decided to take turns keeping the stuffed cougar. However, this arrangement turned out not to be to their liking. Instead, they decided to divide the stuffed cougar in two, and flip a coin for who would get which end. Bill lost, and ended up with a mounted trophy of the cougar's rear. So even though shooting the cougar was a great sporting victory, Bill thought, ... it was nothing but a catastrophe.
A director is screen testing Sylvestor Stallone and Arnold Schwarzenegger for a new film about classic composers. Not having figured out who to give which part to, he asks Sly who he would like to be.
Stallone says "I like Mozart. I want to be Mozart"
So the Director says, "Very well, you can be Mozart" Then he turns to Arnie and says "Arnie, who would you like to play ?"
And Arnie says "Ah'll be Bach!"
God forgive me.
Oh, and I saw your compliment, Alec dear. I love you too.
There was a snake called Nate. His purpose in life was to stay in the desert and guard the lever. Theis lever was no ordinary lever. It was the lever that if moved would destroy the world. Nate took his job very seriously. He let nothing get close to the lever.
One day off in the distance he saw a cloud of dust. He kept his eye on it because he was guarding the lever. The dust cloud continued to move closer to the lever. Nate saw that it was a huge boulder and it was heading straight for the lever!
Nate thought about what he could do to save the world. He decided if he could get in front of the boulder he could deflect it and it would miss the lever. Nate slithered quickly to intersect the boulder. The boulder ran over Nate, but it was, in fact, deflected, leaving history to conclude that is was better Nate than lever.
Ooook, don't kill me now, but Seed got me thinking bout the shaggy dog stories.
So here we go:
Once there was a man, who, through a turn of fortune, found himself immensely rich. After the initial spending spree had worn out, the man found that he was missing something in his life. At last he came to the solution, he wanted a pet.
After making a few calls, the man found himself at a small pet store that promised to sell the rarest and most exotic pets available. Upon entering, he saw that all the walls and even the ceilings were covered in cages and tanks, all emitting strange sounds and filled with wild colours. A short man came over to him all full of smiles at the customer and began showing him the specimens.
"Ah sir, you look like a man with exquisite taste! Could I perhaps interest you in this rare Tahitian parrot? It is one of only ten left in the world, and a single feather from it's tail can sell for over a thousand dollars! It is surely what a man of your distinction is looking for."
However, the man was not swayed. He had seen his friends with pretty birds before, and he wanted something completely different. The shopkeep, sensing a tough sell, moved on.
"Perhaps your taste is in the more exotic sir. Take this snake for example. It can live for over a hundred years, and it's venom is strong enough to kill a man in thirty seconds. It can change the colour of it's scales to match any environment. Surely this fine reptile will be the jewel of any collection!"
Once again however, the rich man was not persuaded. Reptiles were cold creatures and he had never really liked them. Once again he wanted to find something very different from the rest. Together, he and the shopkeep explored the rest of the animals for sale.
At last, after inspecting all the cages and tanks, the rich man was not impressed, and the shopkeep was getting tired. He had one final idea.
"I see sir now that you have a very unique taste and cannot be satisfied by the usual selection. I think I may have what you've been looking for, but you must promise me that if you do not choose it, you will not breathe a word of it's existence to anyone else."
Intrigued, the rich man motioned for the shopkeep to continue, and together they walked down the stairs at the back of the shop to a small dark room. The man could make out a vague furry shape in the corner, about the size of a small cat.
"What is it?" he asked.
"Well...the truth is that I really don't know. A short while ago, a traveller brought this to me. He called it a Raree, since he had never seen the likes of it before. It seems to be one of a kind, and as such, I've just been trying to feed it whatever I can find. It seems to eat pretty much anything, and other than a brush now and then, doesn't require much care."
The rich man, liking the sound of this creature more and more, picked it up gently and looked at it. The furry creature looked up at him with big soft eyes and made a little purring sound, and the man fell in love. He payed the shopkeep an absurd amount, and then took the Raree home to his mansion, giving it a little bed of its own in his room so that he could wake up to those big soft eyes.
Over the next few weeks, the rich man had his cooks prepare all the best foods for the Raree. Like the shopkeep said, it seemed to eat anything with enthusiasm, and began to grow at a quick rate. Within a month, it had grown the size of a large dog, and the man was now feeding it three big meals a day. He loved it though, and every time he looked it in those big soft eyes, it would purr at him (a little deeper in sound now) and nuzzle against his hand.
In another two months, the Raree had grown to the size of a small horse. The man, using his money to feed the thing, had been forced to sell his big mansion, and was now living in a townhouse with noisy neighbours. The Raree lived in his basement, though he took it out at night for walks. He now had to feed it every two hours of the day, and had reverted to feeding it premium dog kibble. Still the Raree gobbled it up, and when he looked it in its big soft eyes, it would rumble a purr-like sound and nuzzle against him.
In another month, the man was living in a trailer home, towing a massive crate to hold the Raree. It had grown to be nearly the size of an elephant, and needed to be fed every hour. He was forced to scrounge garbages and steal from farms in order to feed the massive thing. One night, when he was sitting with it and looked into its big soft eyes, he knew the decision he had to make.
Sadly, he called the Raree to him and loaded it into the trailer. He himself got into the front and began to drive. He drove for the rest of the night, travelling higher and higher into the mountains. At last, he reached a lookout point and parked the trailer. He opened the back and spoke softly to the Raree to bring it out of the truck. Using a treat he kept in his pocket, he lured the Raree to the edge of the cliff.
As the Raree chewed on the treat, the man got back into the truck and then drove it up to the Raree and began to push against it. As it felt its feet slipping off the edge, the Raree gave the man one last long look of love from those big soft eyes, and then tumbled over the edge of the cliff.
As the man watched his beloved pet fall, a single tear ran down his cheek, and he began to softly sing.
Spiritual leader Mahatma Gandhi walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail, and, because of his diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him ....
a super callous fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
I have none, but can I throw
Yes, this is acceptable. I
I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an
optical Aleutian.
:x
... !
I like these They're Punny
They're Punny
/shot
Two parrots are sitting on a
c:
Is like a smorgesboard of
My friend and I were driving,
She said we just got asSALTed. LOL
Trig- I can't believe it took
CM- I'm sure that experience left a bad taste in your mouth ;D /rimshot
A traveler in the Himalayas came upon a great
gathering of holy men and philosophers, representing
all aspects of belief and including one aged guru
reputed to have achieved Nirvana by subsisting
entirely on a diet of asparagus.
The traveler was astonished when, in a sudden
mountain shower, all of the participants in this
conclave were drenched except the asparagus-eater.
"This is not incredible," explained the guide.
"Bliss is the awning of the sage of asparagus."
http://www.webcomicsnation.co
Bahahaha, here's another one
A woman walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a double entendre.
So he gave her one.
Seed- Long but worth the
Trig- I just choked on my pop xD
In democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.
Ever since I joined here,
*SHOT*
Gotta love the deer puns
Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? He wanted to transcend dental medication.
Guhhh Trigger, not that joke
There was a group of TEFers
/shot
Unfortunately, no pun in ten
Oh my God, I can't breathe.
My Mom and her family, as a kid, had "Bad pun Fridays." The dinner table was the main victim. I have these things in my blood (and my Word documents). These are lame as Hell. I'll save you from the one-liners. Here are three stories.
A long time ago, in Communist Russia, there was a famous weather man named Rudolf.
He's always had a 100% accuracy rate for his forecasts of the Russian weather conditions. His people loved him and respected him for his faultless foresight. He was particularly good at predicting rain. One night, despite clear skies, he made the prediction on the 6:00pm news broadcast that a violent storm was approaching. It would flood the town in which he and his wife lived. He warned the people to take proper precautions and prepare for the worst.
After he arrived home later that evening, his wife met him at the door and started arguing with him that his weather prediction was the most ridiculous thing she had ever heard. This time, she said, he had made a terrible mistake. There wasn't a cloud anywhere within 10 miles of the village. As a matter of fact, that day had been the most beautiful day that the town had ever had and it was quite obvious to everyone that it simply wasn't going to rain.
He told her she was to be quiet and listen to him. If he said it was going to rain, IT WAS GOING TO RAIN. He had all of his Russian heritage behind him and he knew what he was talking about. She argued that although he came from a proud heritage, IT STILL WASN'T GOING TO RAIN.
They argued back and forth for hours , so much that they went to bed mad at each other.
During the night, sure enough one of the worst rainstorms hit the village the likes of which they had never seen. That morning when Rudolf and his wife arose, they looked out the window and saw all the water that had fallen that night.
"See," said Rudolf, "I told you it was going to rain." His wife admitted: "Once again your prediction came true. But I want to know, just how were you so accurate, Rudolf?"
To which he replied, "You see, Rudolf the Red knows rain dear!"
Two good Montana buddies were out hunting for a cougar that was killing their sheep. They staked out an area of the woods near their fields, and waited. After a while, sure enough, there came the cougar. They patiently waited until it was close, and then they both jumped up and shot it at the same time. They couldn't tell whose bullet had taken the cougar's life! They decided to share the credit, and also to have the cougar stuffed, and they decided to take turns keeping the stuffed cougar. However, this arrangement turned out not to be to their liking. Instead, they decided to divide the stuffed cougar in two, and flip a coin for who would get which end. Bill lost, and ended up with a mounted trophy of the cougar's rear. So even though shooting the cougar was a great sporting victory, Bill thought, ... it was nothing but a catastrophe.
A director is screen testing Sylvestor Stallone and Arnold Schwarzenegger for a new film about classic composers. Not having figured out who to give which part to, he asks Sly who he would like to be.
Stallone says "I like Mozart. I want to be Mozart"
So the Director says, "Very well, you can be Mozart" Then he turns to Arnie and says "Arnie, who would you like to play ?"
And Arnie says "Ah'll be Bach!"
God forgive me.
Oh, and I saw your compliment, Alec dear. I love you too.
A good pun is its own reword.
Bwhaha. If you loved me
If you loved me you'd be on MSN.
Fled: -thumbs up-
There was a snake called Nate. His purpose in life was to stay in the desert and guard the lever. Theis lever was no ordinary lever. It was the lever that if moved would destroy the world. Nate took his job very seriously. He let nothing get close to the lever.
One day off in the distance he saw a cloud of dust. He kept his eye on it because he was guarding the lever. The dust cloud continued to move closer to the lever. Nate saw that it was a huge boulder and it was heading straight for the lever!
Nate thought about what he could do to save the world. He decided if he could get in front of the boulder he could deflect it and it would miss the lever. Nate slithered quickly to intersect the boulder. The boulder ran over Nate, but it was, in fact, deflected, leaving history to conclude that is was better Nate than lever.
Ooook, don't kill me now, but
So here we go:
Once there was a man, who, through a turn of fortune, found himself immensely rich. After the initial spending spree had worn out, the man found that he was missing something in his life. At last he came to the solution, he wanted a pet.
After making a few calls, the man found himself at a small pet store that promised to sell the rarest and most exotic pets available. Upon entering, he saw that all the walls and even the ceilings were covered in cages and tanks, all emitting strange sounds and filled with wild colours. A short man came over to him all full of smiles at the customer and began showing him the specimens.
"Ah sir, you look like a man with exquisite taste! Could I perhaps interest you in this rare Tahitian parrot? It is one of only ten left in the world, and a single feather from it's tail can sell for over a thousand dollars! It is surely what a man of your distinction is looking for."
However, the man was not swayed. He had seen his friends with pretty birds before, and he wanted something completely different. The shopkeep, sensing a tough sell, moved on.
"Perhaps your taste is in the more exotic sir. Take this snake for example. It can live for over a hundred years, and it's venom is strong enough to kill a man in thirty seconds. It can change the colour of it's scales to match any environment. Surely this fine reptile will be the jewel of any collection!"
Once again however, the rich man was not persuaded. Reptiles were cold creatures and he had never really liked them. Once again he wanted to find something very different from the rest. Together, he and the shopkeep explored the rest of the animals for sale.
At last, after inspecting all the cages and tanks, the rich man was not impressed, and the shopkeep was getting tired. He had one final idea.
"I see sir now that you have a very unique taste and cannot be satisfied by the usual selection. I think I may have what you've been looking for, but you must promise me that if you do not choose it, you will not breathe a word of it's existence to anyone else."
Intrigued, the rich man motioned for the shopkeep to continue, and together they walked down the stairs at the back of the shop to a small dark room. The man could make out a vague furry shape in the corner, about the size of a small cat.
"What is it?" he asked.
"Well...the truth is that I really don't know. A short while ago, a traveller brought this to me. He called it a Raree, since he had never seen the likes of it before. It seems to be one of a kind, and as such, I've just been trying to feed it whatever I can find. It seems to eat pretty much anything, and other than a brush now and then, doesn't require much care."
The rich man, liking the sound of this creature more and more, picked it up gently and looked at it. The furry creature looked up at him with big soft eyes and made a little purring sound, and the man fell in love. He payed the shopkeep an absurd amount, and then took the Raree home to his mansion, giving it a little bed of its own in his room so that he could wake up to those big soft eyes.
Over the next few weeks, the rich man had his cooks prepare all the best foods for the Raree. Like the shopkeep said, it seemed to eat anything with enthusiasm, and began to grow at a quick rate. Within a month, it had grown the size of a large dog, and the man was now feeding it three big meals a day. He loved it though, and every time he looked it in those big soft eyes, it would purr at him (a little deeper in sound now) and nuzzle against his hand.
In another two months, the Raree had grown to the size of a small horse. The man, using his money to feed the thing, had been forced to sell his big mansion, and was now living in a townhouse with noisy neighbours. The Raree lived in his basement, though he took it out at night for walks. He now had to feed it every two hours of the day, and had reverted to feeding it premium dog kibble. Still the Raree gobbled it up, and when he looked it in its big soft eyes, it would rumble a purr-like sound and nuzzle against him.
In another month, the man was living in a trailer home, towing a massive crate to hold the Raree. It had grown to be nearly the size of an elephant, and needed to be fed every hour. He was forced to scrounge garbages and steal from farms in order to feed the massive thing. One night, when he was sitting with it and looked into its big soft eyes, he knew the decision he had to make.
Sadly, he called the Raree to him and loaded it into the trailer. He himself got into the front and began to drive. He drove for the rest of the night, travelling higher and higher into the mountains. At last, he reached a lookout point and parked the trailer. He opened the back and spoke softly to the Raree to bring it out of the truck. Using a treat he kept in his pocket, he lured the Raree to the edge of the cliff.
As the Raree chewed on the treat, the man got back into the truck and then drove it up to the Raree and began to push against it. As it felt its feet slipping off the edge, the Raree gave the man one last long look of love from those big soft eyes, and then tumbled over the edge of the cliff.
As the man watched his beloved pet fall, a single tear ran down his cheek, and he began to softly sing.
"It's a long way, to tip a Raree..."
THE END
(MAN that took way too long to type xD)
A ship full of red paint and
I love you all like a fat kid
Man walks in to a bar with a
The bar keeper replies "why yes sir we serve all sizes here"
Lol I don't have any puns on
Man who goes through
When is a pirate like a
When he's a robin.
I think it's time for a
Hurhur.
Hurhur.
Spiritual leader Mahatma
a super callous fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
*Died*
-Dying over here- I feel so
I feel so useless without any more to add! ;A;
Well, unless you want bad egg
-Waves hand frantically.- I
I do, I dooo!
Two mountaineers were
On the way up the where caught in an avalanche as their souls flew up to heaven they passed two eagels
Ah eagles! the souls exclaimed
the the eagles on their part remained silent to be polite.
(ah-souls!)
Well >> They're pretty fowl.
-...Chortle.-
Four fonts walked into a bar
Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.
Thieves who steal corn from a garden could be charged with stalking
To write with a broken pencil is pointless. c:
Tally is a murderer. I
I thought those were eggcelent.
Ever since my friend had all
I think I might be lack-toes intolerant
A man walkeed in to a butcher
You guys are murderers. xD
A tomato and a lettuice had a
What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?
Frostbite
How do crazy people go through the forest? They take the psycho path.
c:
From a CSI Miami Meme
"He said he'd die when pigs fly."
"Well... It looks like... Swine Flu."
A Freudian slip is when you
Two fat blokes in a pub, one
•Energizer Bunny arrested -
•Without geometry, life is pointless
YOU PEOPLE KILL ME.
And I have nothing interesting to add XB -fail-
You people- Gah! 8'D Ok...
Ok...
There has been a recent discovery of an actual ghost, apparently of Czech origin, her name was Polka-hontas.
<< >> <<;;; That was so bad lol
.
-I wondered why the baseball
-Seven days without a pun makes one weak.
A streaker was found dead
Bump for great justice.