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When you hear the name think
Norway.
Ame-luff's (Sonata's) childhood friend, I love her in a...platonic, sort of way, yea we have a...strange relationship, mess with her and deal with me, she's dealt with enough shit in her life.
Writer.
Morbid.
don't care what others think.
Reindeer racing.
Blunt. Sometimes too Blunt.
Pyromaniac.
Fear of water
You may contact me at either Email or through YIM.
I'll add more eventually.
This Flash Player was created @ FlashWidgetz.com.
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Freddie's coming for you.
oh god I love you for that xD
Tracking~
Track! (:
One, you're cute thus far.
Two, Ammy SLAID me.
Thank you all~
I was drawn to your title -
Anyway...tracking now
LO! 't is a gala night
Within the lonesome latter years.
An angel throng, bewinged, bedight
In veils, and drowned in tears,
Sit in a theatre to see
A play of hopes and fears,
While the orchestra breathes fitfully
The music of the spheres.
Mimes, in the form of God on high,
Mutter and mumble low,
And hither and thither fly;
Mere puppets they, who come and go
At bidding of vast formless things
That shift the scenery to and fro,
Flapping from out their condor wings
Invisible Woe.
That motley drama—oh, be sure
It shall not be forgot!
With its Phantom chased for evermore
By a crowd that seize it not,
Through a circle that ever returneth in
To the self-same spot;
And much of Madness, and more of Sin,
And Horror the soul of the plot.
But see amid the mimic rout
A crawling shape intrude:
A blood-red thing that writhes from out
The scenic solitude!
It writhes—it writhes!—with mortal pangs
The mimes become its food,
And over each quivering form
In human gore imbued.
Out—out are the lights—out all!
And over each quivering form
The curtain, a funeral pall,
Comes down with the rush of a storm,
While the angels, all pallid and wan,
Uprising, unveiling, affirm
That the play is the tragedy, "Man,"
And its hero, the Conqueror Worm~
best poem ever~
Thank you~
I PREFER THE RAVEN inb4;
inb4; 'user was banned for this post'
Sorry for bumping
I just wanted to say something here...
Ari.
I miss you, I miss you so much, god knows where I would be now without you.
Dead, probably, so many times when I contemplated just ending it all, but I couldn't knowing you would be upset.
It's so unfair...
what gives you the right to leave me like this, I need you, Ari.
I log on to this computer, and stare at your name, praying that for some reason it will light up, that maybe it was a dream, or a mistake.
every day is just one more little fight to keep going, like a shower of arrows day after day after day.
And you were my armour, and now that you're gone each and every little thing hits me, so hard...
I know I told you this all the time, every day, but, Ari, I love you.
more than anything in the world, I love you, I wish you hadn't left me so early.
You would sit beside me in the hospital when one of my various illnesses started up.
Or when I would get into fights you would always drag me home after it all to bandage me up, or you would just give me a place to sleep when mom got mad and kicked me out again.
You were my only family.
My only true friend.
My only love.
I hope there's such thing as reincarnation.
Because, if there is, I will never stop looking for you.
You and I, we were meant to be together, it's like some greater power brought you to me when I needed you most, like you picked me up from the dust and brushed me off.
And how, you knew there was no fixing me, you accepted me, loved me, even through all my flaws.
Do you remember the first thing I said to you?
"Get lost"
and you refused.
Thank you, for not listening, even though it took months before you could have a real conversation with me, and like, two years before I finally accepted you as a friend, you never gave up.
I hope we meet in another life.
We'll do things right next time, and neither of us will lose each other early.
Jeg elsker deg, Ari.
I suppose I'll get ranted at
Now that you're gone it's so hard to put on a pleasant face.
I just want to curl up and become that same ball I was before you came along...
And, now that you're really not here, there's nothing stopping me...I can't help doing it, I just do...
So I'm going to let myself...
I can just imagine the disapproval in your eyes, I'm sorry.
You'd forgive me though, same as always.
You always have, always did.
I had a dream last night, it was so real I thought it was happening, and when I woke up, I wanted to go right back to sleep and never wake up.
Maybe I'm going crazy without you, but, I feel that, by continuing to talk to 'you' here, I can somehow keep a little piece of the person you made me alive, like it died along with you.
Everyone here is very supportive, which makes me feel kinda bad, because they're wasting their time on someone who doesn't deserve their support, like I'm accepting a gift only to throw it away, y'know?
I guess that's all...
Jeg Elsker Deg, Ari.
Hello Ari. My computer
My computer crapped out again, so I'm borrowing one again, I really need a new one don't I?
I'm going to ask the landlord if pets are allowed finally, since you always said I should get another pet after I moved to America and all, I'm thinking a dog, a little medium sized mutt, just an outcast like me eh?
hm...
anyway.
I look around me, every day, in the real world and online, and all I can see are fools, idiots, like I'm the only one with half a brain, the only one with eyes.
I know it's not true of course, after all everyone thinks they're the only one with a mind and eyes.
I think it's so silly, seeing people every day, complaining.
You should not complain unless there is real reason.
I had that beaten into me at a young age.
Every time I see something like that I swear that scar on my arm gets sore again, like it's my mother warning me all over again about the stupidity of the world.
The sun here is so bright, I miss the cold, the moment any sort of light and heat hits me I want to vomit.
oh! I saw a shooting star last night, it made me laugh and cry, I was tempted to get a jar and run after it, like when we were little, as if I could catch it and wish my worries away.
I still can't get the thought of shooting stars tasting like sugar out of my head, I completely blame you.
I composed a song for you on the violin, I'll play it for you on special occasions, or when I'm lonely.
I wish you were here to play your flute along with it, I feel it needs a flute somewhere...
hm...
Jeg Elsker Deg, Ari.
I changed accounts you
you always thought this name was better, talking about how I had a Vendetta against the world, and I would giggle and laugh about how you were probably right.
Sport died today, I shouldn't be surprised, he was like, a million and ten years old, but, you know how I felt about him.
I hope he gets reincarnated as a person, or a bigger animal, he was always too big in spirit for such a body, but he was always the perfect size to cuddle with, even if he was way overweight in his later years.
Grandma got a new dog, I was angry, I shouldn't have been angry, but I was, it's just too soon, you can't just buy an ugly ratty dog and call it a replacement, Sport was family.
Mom is missing, still missing anyway, I've pretty much given up hope, I know she was a bitch and all, but I wish she could have waited too, I can't stand this, my heart physically hurts, like someone is squeezing it, my chest is going to explode.
I need someone, and yet, I don't want anyone, I just want to be alone, I don't want anything that can hurt me anymore, if nobody is near me, I can't care.
I just want to sit back and hate everyone, everything, like I used to.
it doesn't sound like a very happy existance, but it has to be better than this, right...?
I considered suicide for a moment, but I could never leave my sister like that, and besides, I could never bring myself to do it.
I'm too much of a coward.
I'm so sick, I feel so sick, to the very core of my stomach, like I've eaten something bad, like maybe if I threw up I would feel better, poison, it's like I've swallowed poison.
I don't like this feeling, I don't like being sad, I don't like caring about things, it hurts, my throat hurts, and my eyes hurt, stomach, chest, hurts.
I'm so tired, all the time now...
so tired...
Jeg Elsker Deg, Ari.
Sorry for not coming to talk
my M.E.N.1 has finally caught up to me. You know, the cancer thing, I had always thought I would go before you, but I guess I was wrong. At this rate though, maybe we'll meet up soon.
You would probably chide me for thinking or talking in such a way, but I can't help it...
But, since you wouldn't want me to give in so easily, I'm going to keep trying.
I was coughing up blood the other day, it was so frightening, I could taste it, like pennies, it tasted like old pennies, from my mouth, and even my nose, I thought I was going to die that night.
But I felt a lot better the next day, I like to think maybe my body was just coughing up all the bad blood to make room for good, but that's probably just me attempting to comfort myself isn't it?
It's Autumn here Ari, I love Autumn, you remember that though, you would. The colours, splashes of orange and red, but, it's kind of sad, it's so beautiful, but, it's beautiful because everything is dying. But you know me, I've always thought that death was beautiful...
I wonder how the trees feel about it, the dying, would it make them sad? maybe the trees accept death better than people do, maybe they think it's beautiful as well.
my chest hurts.
I made Jen join, he seems to like it here, it's nice, there's always been a sense of peace around him, there always has been. I hope I get to see him at least once more before I go, it would be nice, to go home, to sit by the water with him and just not talk.
He'll be the last of our little group if, when, I go, it's kind of sad to think about, so, I guess I really need to fight to stay, so that he won't be so alone, y'know?
He sure was alone when we stumbled across him wasn't he? poor guy, he reminded me of a lost dog, but, y'know, more gay.
heh...
"I will hold these times of us together closely together. They are more precious than sparkling gems"
Remember that song? I still listen to it constantly, it makes me cry sometimes...
There are a bunch of Hetalia deer here now, you would have loved it, it's really cool, makes me feel like I fit in a bit better...
but, I've realized how many friends I have here, Whey, Amazon, Leveled, Her, Dietywolf, Ammy, lots more too. mmhm, you would have liked them a lot, sometimes they even make me forget about how much I miss you, if only for a moment.
Jeg elsker deg, Ari.
We looked at the stars we
We can not now, and I understand
In my heart, my emotions are hidden
In my mind you're there and smile nicely
I will never ever forget you
Although you are far from me
Believe me I will never forget you
Days come and go. They blur together until the line where the first day ends and the second begins can no longer be seen. And every day it blurs more until it's a cycle of sleeping when tired. Sun or not, and waking when my body is ready.
I found an old picture of us together. In a box of old things, under my old porclain doll that hummed that music box lullaby, from my great grandmother, and above the green glass dolphin that Jen gave me. It made me sad. The doll won't sing for me anymore, and the dolphin has chips in it. But that picture was still intact.
I put it back in the box, I figured it was best kept there.
It's a shame, that the doll wouldn't sing, I loved it, I still love it, it's beautiful, it sounds pathetic now, broken little pinging sounds, but I wound it up anyway, because you can still hear the melody if you try hard enough, even if its neck pops as it moves, the key has gone rusty too, it's useless, I had to use a hairpin just to wind it.
I still need it, I still need you, there are a lot of things that I need these days that seem to slip through my fingers when I reach for them, like water...
like bubbles...
they pop.
they die
...
Jeg Elsker Deg, Ari.
I was re-reading this and saw
won't you come back, and tell me? ...heh...wishful dreaming isn't it?
I have it posted that this is one of my accounts now, I wonder if any newer members have seen this and thought me insane, not knowing of your death and the heartbreak it caused me, I swear I could feel it ripping in my chest.
Good thing my friends seem to keep lots of tape and pins around huh?
Too bad none of them seem to have a second heart to spare.
I think my immune system finally shot itself, I'm constantly sick nowdays, my head, it hurts so much, a constant throb in the back of my skull, no matter what I do, even though I sleep far more than anyone needs to, I still can't make it go away, it simply won't stay away, I've given up on pain killers, they only last so long y'know?
I can't decide if I like my stepdad or not, he can be really fun and cool, but at the sametime, he doesn't seem to like Amanda, and you know how much I love her, she's my younger sister, and she's one of the closest people I have, I can't help it, when he's mean to her for stupid reasons, I just, snap, and then mom gets mad at me, but I can't help it, he just pisses me off sometimes with his royal alpha male bullshit.
But enough of that now before I bore you to death.
heh...get it...it's punny...
That was probably in bad taste but you always thought it was funny.
I don't want to move to Australia, god I don't want to go...
Vilnius lost his mate recently, as well as his best friend and god daughter, that kind of got me down more than an in-character thing should, I guess it's because I've had him so long, as well as the fact that it means a good friend stopped playing TEF and now I feel like I can't talk to her about any TEF related thing, and it makes me awkward trying to double read anything I say in case I accidentally do it out of habit.
I've given myself too much work again as well, revamping bios, interactions, the directory, as well as my own personal blog, anything to get my mind off of how I feel right now, just, anything, I don't want to think or feel anything at all, to fall into the usual groundhogs-day style repetetiveness that most people have nightmares about falling into, it's become a sort of welcome hide away for me, somwhere, I can just hide away from everything that's eating away at my insides.
not literally of course
I can never truly hide from what's eating me away inside, it will come someday, I won't be able to stop it, and at this rate, nobody knows when I keep going up and down like crazy.
...hm
Jeg Elsker Deg, Ari.