May 8, 2011 - 12:16am — silentlikethat
I'm so tired.
I stopped writing. I stopped drawing. I hardly can do anything anymore. I can't do anything without forcing myself to try and reach out and touch some of the wonderful people here. I don't care to try and show others how I feel, I've tried so many times. With what art I can manage to push out after working.
I used to love this place. With a passion of a new born fawn who looked forward to keeping the pelts and masks once they were an adult. To be a part of the lives of other deer here and with the members. I've wanted to always try to be there and not give up. I've loved many of you and said it, somehow hoping that one of us would benefit from such words. I don't think I feel it anymore. It's been slipping and I've tried to come back. I read what blogs and journals I can to try and get my creativity going, to try and occupy my mind so its not empty and hollow.
I think I can't do much else when I see such beautiful, wonderful and glorious art of others here. So many levels of talent and creativity. This is a bottomless well of imagination, this place. And it's the members that are the creators. Young and old, all bright people who had managed to touch my heart and make me feel that I just might be able to get to that level without forcing myself to draw or write.
I have no other way to tell you how I feel. I can't remember the last creation I've made that I was actually truly proud and happy to finish and share with you all. If I can't show you in my art or writing, how do I tell you how I feel, how much you each mean to me? What you've done to change me?
I don't know how it happened or when. Much less why. But in the end I feel like I was so close to something, something grand and spectacular. But that's just it, I was close. I was never there. I can't touch it. I don't even have the will to even reach anymore because I know the ending. I know that I can't.
I won't be able to feel what I see others exchange between themselves. I see the art, the writings. I see the love and wonder if I might ever reach that place. Somewhere where I won't want to leave. Where I can dream forever and things will always turn out alright. I do little rp here and there with a few and try to create something between my doe and other members deer. But Its getting harder to think of what to say without turning to read a different rp between others and feeling like a rock with my own post. And I'm jealous always of others. I don't have 2 or 3 or 7 or 10 years to work on improving my art or writing abilities. I have work and I'm getting older. I have a life that involves my family and bills and job and my car and the daily hassles of life. I can't stay up late at night trying to make something for someone that I know I will never show them.
How can something you love so much be the end of your own creativity? Your mind? Your will to continue trying? To always build your worlds through a pencil or pen, through paint or materials gathered and be able to tell others what has been swimming in your head?
I've lost my grip and I've lost my will to keep trying. No more art. No more words. I'm done trying and feeling like nothing in the end. No more from now on.
Your rp with me is the most
I don't create what I would call the same art as I did at the beginning. I have a job - a life - too, and it took a while for me to just let that art part of it go. Tired, no time, no motivation.
But that doesn't mean it all just comes to an abrupt end. I might make a picture of Dag once in a blue moon when the mood takes me, not by way of force. Who says that you must draw? Must write? Must do something on a regular basis with the hope of pleasing someone else? Simply talking to them and saying hello is enough. I like you as a person - I had no idea you could write so well until we started our rp. I didn't know you once drew things on a regular basis. I didn't expect anything material in art or writing from you, and neither does anyone else.
Draw for someone when you want to, write when you want to write. Be creative for yourself; don't draw for someone because you think it is what they need; draw their creation for yourself, because you want to.
Please don't think that you've come to a dead-end.
Quote:No more from now on. No
No please...
Jettem, why on earth would you think your art isn't good enough? It's beautiful and it's certainly good enough to post. Like Dag said, create for yourself when you feel like it. We'll love seeing your art.
You're a great person on top of that. I don't want to see you close up. You have an imagination and a voice, contrary to what you believe.
On Jettem, she is incredibly sweet, yet with another dimension to her that makes her more than just another character. She has this motherly feel to her that's...comforting. She is your own creation and she is proof that you can create.
It hurts to see you think of yourself like this. You're a wonderful and creative person, Jettem. Please don't forget that, alright? ♥
I've had a tab with this blog
I still haven't found the words I wan to say, but something, anything, is better than nothing.
Your writing- I wish I could write even remotely as well as you do. I've always been envious of your way with words. Your art too. Your humans and deer alike. Everything you've graced this site with has been enjoyed. I love your style, the shapes you convey. And Jettem herself. I love the character, her air, her mannerisms. She's always been a major figure in Noelle's life and everyone she touches seems all the better off because of it. I'm always a little jealous of whoever holds her company in forest.
I agree with what Dag said. You should do what you want, when you want, because you enjoy it. And should you post it, it's certain we're to enjoy it too. An artist is her own worst critic. More often than not, the work the producer makes is shunned by herself and adored by the rest who are allowed to see it.
I hope you change your mind. I'd hate to see you vanish altogether.
I've been staring at the
I would really hate to see you go...
my words are horrible. Just
I read this whole thing, and
I really wish I could make some huge post about how I feel the same exact way, how I consider you such a close friend even if we don't talk much, how much I adore your writing and your art, how much it would pain me to see you disappear. And yet, all I can manage are these tiny lines that sum everything up in bite sized portions that feel so miniscule in comparison to the actual scale of my feelings.
Silent, please don't go...
...I don't know what to
I know we were never close...But I always liked seeing you and hanging with your deer. Do what makes you happiest: that's the point of the Endless Forest. Good luck.
I wanted to comment here
I've told you this before, but I have always admired you and Jettem from a distance. I loved reading the amazing RP posts you left on others' biographies, and I secretively yearned for one, too. I can't describe what Jettem as a character made me and Esll feel.. I see her as part of the forest. A wise, loving character with almost a motherly nature about her. I hold a great amount of respect for you and Jettem, as does Esll.
I'm afraid I'd just be echoing what everyone else before me has said. You don't have to draw or write for anyone - do it for yourself, when you feel like it. No one is depending on you to hand out your creativity left and right. In fact, your RP posts and artwork would be considered more of an honor if they become a little more scarce.
I hope you don't leave. You would be dearly missed. ♥
I do not know you very well.
I know exhaustion and blindness to tomorrow.
My stag, brd, became a tree. An object that does not move or emote, doesn't come or go to be with anyone else. He became a tree because my heart was weary of everything, especially of tomorrow.
In that time, the most precious thing to me was this moment, right now. Just breathing. Being. Getting to sleep. Drinking water.
The tiredness will pass. Right now you are tired. Rest. Forgive yourself. Take care of yourself. Rest and let go of these expectations that are weighing you down so heavy. Let go.
It's not so bad. Your art, your writing are not shackles or weights to burden you. They are little birds that enter your life and flicker away, come and go, singing and reflecting the light. Let them go. Be happy when they come to you.
I cry for you whether or not you cry for yourself. But you'll get through this and tomorrow will not be so bad.
I don't strive to be the best, but instead I strive to do my best, and always give it my all every time.
-faunet