I really never wanted to post anything like this on this site, but I feel like I don't have many people to talk to. Not because they don't care, but because it's all a burden. No one has to read this, if you are then I am grateful, its mostly so that I feel like I've talked to someone about what I feel.

I feel lonely I guess. I've been dating a guy for about 11 months now, he's my first real boyfriend. And I spend more time on here than I see him in a week. I sort of feel like he doesn't want to try for this relationship. But then I stop and think to myself; 22 years, and someone finally gave a monster like you a chance. No one else will ever try to love you. To understand that I guess you'd have to know a little about me. I'm not fishing for pity or anything like that, I'll admit, I have some emotional problems. Mainly from how I was treated for most of my life. When I was younger I hated everyone. Humans in general were a waste and were nothing but cruel. For a long time I was filled with that rage and hate; which is why I call myself a monster. I go to church, and I know that it's not my place but I feel that I cannot redeem myself for all the hatred I felt growing up. I wanted them to all disappear, save for my grandparents

Sorry, I started to ramble there. And I probably will here too.

Emotions like love are almost heartbreaking for me sometimes. I get too attached and expect too much. I wait for people for more than an hour on a regular basis, I've been backstabbed I don't know how many times, but I keep trying. There are times where I wish I had never been born. Many times, I haven't affected anyone so much as that I will be sorely missed. I think in those times, I'm tired of fighting. Not necessarily in a physical state, but an emotional and mental one. My youth consisted of verbal and emotional abuse, I've had to fight for what little respect I have. Then I feel that most just throw it in my face and mock me.