Well... I'll start this off by saying: It's 3:27 AM and I'm pretty mixed up.
I'm almost regretting the deactivation of my deviantArt and tumblr accounts, but I remember I never had any fans on either of the two, so making new ones would probably make me feel even worse-- starting from scratch again. I want to draw, but each time I look at the pencil and paper I remember how bad I am at it....
I am lonely. I'm pretty certain now that the remainder of my Summer vacation will be spent on my own, which... doesn't bother me TOO bad. I'll be doing one or two things/activities which are too vomit-worthy and boring to mention, so I guess I'll get to something more... eh~ interesting:
I am gay. I am quite gay, actually. And it sucks to, 1. have to keep 80% of my important thoughts and feelings from all humans in my physical world, and 2. be THAT much farther from the hope of finding love/company. Things are just... confusing right now. But I do know that I want to wait a year or two before mentioning anything to my family. I am now fourteen (I think).
You know what I hate? Grammatical errors. Like... ERROR'S. Were people just fuck there English up the ass. I just hate it. It proves that the human race has become, on average, stupid enough to see something done right every time one opens a book and still not applied the information to their horridly-composed minds. It's so annoying and embarrassing. I sometimes wish I wasn't a member of the human species because of this kind of shit. (ALL RIGHT YOU DUMBFUCKS, THE GRAMMATICAL ERRORS IN THIS ONE MOTHERFUCKING PARAGRAPH WERE ADDED ON PURPOSE AS EXAMPLES. I EVEN USED THE CORRECT WORDS AND CIRCUMSTANCES TO EACH EXAMPLE IN THIS FUCKING WRITING IF NOT THE SAME GODDAMN PARAGRAPH. YOU'RE NOT SMART SHIT FOR PICKING THAT OUT BECAUSE YOU OBVIOUSLY CANNOT PICK OUT THE OTHER HINTS SHAT ALL AROUND THE INTENTIONAL FLAWS. "Like... ERROR'S. Were people just fuck there English up the ass." THAT WAS PRETTY MUCH THE ONLY GODDAMN SENTENCE WITH THE ERRORS I PUT IN, YOU CUNTS.)
Yeah, I think my brain is trying to fall asleep. I should probably go.
Well this is quite a pleasant mistake. I seem to have come upon my older TEF account! I'm not sure if my profile page successfully displays my symbol, but I think I have a picture of my character and its symbol which I posted on my new account.
If I want to change any account settings the system says I need to put in an email address, right? Well when I put in the address I registered with it's all like "THAT'S ALREADY IN USE". Well no shit. What the fuck am I supposed to do...?
Well... I'm back in TEF. I think it was-- at the very most-- a year ago that I began to play. I was always disconnected from the community, therefore always found myself walking among complete strangers when I was in the Forest. Now, with a new account and a new fawn, I am debating if I should use the energy to attempt fitting in this time around.
That was quite a boring introduction, now that I read over it; but my concerns aren't necessarily to impress quite yet, after all.
With the last deer I was Faoraven, an embodiment of my loneliness and isolation. I think I brought the concepts to life quite well in that deer, but that alone wasn't amusing enough to keep me in the game, obviously. With this new deer I hope to bring some satisfaction to myself in the matter of recognition; be that through forum activity or in-game presence. But my greatest fear-- rather the fact I resent the most-- is that I am just a player. Just a number in the member count of TEF, the web, the human race. But I shouldn't drown you in such suddenly massive ideas.
When I see the average player in any game I have a distant feeling of: "I want to be more than this". But there may be many others who look at me and think the same thing. Perhaps humans cannot be more to each other than "just another--"s. My thoughts have never come clearly or paced in any way, and for this I apologize to any vast-hearted soul who may be reading this.
Perhaps what I'm trying to do is become the great being I am in the world behind my eyelids. I want to be visibly special to others.... But... there is no way to do that, is there? It is such a dreadful, suffocating feeling when I realize how many feelings I wish to convey or manifest while I have no way of doing so. My hand cannot draw nor write well or quick enough to map them out. It honestly makes me think there is no point in living each time I recognize this.
Well... you can stop reading now. But you have probably taken that action already. Please send me a message (or however this works) any time. It's not as if I had anyone else to talk to.
I've been feeling so sad lately about everything in my like; Like for games I just love to play I barly even try anymore. I don't know if it was something that happened to me in my past and I just pushed it back and now it's flooding out or maybe from holding all my feelings in or maybe just being sad. So to express my sadness I'm doing a poem made by me. Here's nothing:
Pain is all I feel,
I am alone, By my-self
No one to comfort me in my need.
I can only show nothing in my eyes.
My eyes have lost their color,
My hair lost it's shine.
My will to fight is no-more.
All I can do is stand still;
and fall again and again.
But it's not like it didn't happen before.
Now it makes me feel nothing at all.
All the scar may dissapear but the pain will stay.
Forever it will. And I will be the target.
I will cry tears, But no one will hear nor see me.
I am in a box of lonelyness.
All I can do is Hope~
Well atleast I feel a little better. Sorry I wrote here but where else can I?
Hey Hey peeps I would like to know you's all and make my day's on this game I might be funny to some of you ppl but i make lot's of ppl laugh i'm new to this game so might need help to be better at it and yer Wazup anyway?and I'll be off to play the game now Cya's
