(This is the story thing of my character, Drake.
Please feel free to give me some advice on how to improve my writing
)
Shivering the newborn male baby felt himself being picked up from the comfort of his mother’s arm and he feebly flailed his arms.
He heard a deep voice grunt and he opened his faded blue eyes and he saw himself being carried through a passageway, the male carrying him he couldn’t make out since there appeared to be no source of light, minus the spiky hair of the male which was glowing a faded blue color.
Finally after what appeared to be an hour the baby could see a glowing light ahead, his eyesight was fading and he felt his body start to change.
He squirmed and screamed in fear as he found one eye was completely blind and his other he could hardly see through.
He closed his eyes, wishing he could open them and he could see again when the man gently placed him on cold stone, whispered something he could make out as a good luck, tucked a feather behind his tiny ear, and left him behind.
For a few seconds he was silent, then screamed when his body started to dramatically change.
His legs became thinner, longer, and fur started to sprout everywhere.
He felt no change to his face but the rest of his tiny body began taking the form of a newborn fawn.
Thankfully, the feather his father had given him was still there. With his not completely blind eye he squinted at it and saw what looked like a straight, black feather. (The feather of a raven)
”Where……where am I?” He breathed, a little surprise he had the ability to talk. Heck, he was surprised he knew how to talk! He shook his head, as if to shake all the worry and questions from his head and set off to explore beyond the ruins of what appeared to be a temple of some kind.
That's a neat concept! He
I'd really love for this to be expanded more. Maybe some more atmosphere-building up to the climax, when he begins to change?
Also, I noticed semi-run on sentences, which might be better as two separate sentences in terms of sound.
Last,
Hope you don't mind all this. Welcome to TEFc and hope to see more of your writing around. (:
Thanks (: I don't mind at
I don't mind at all.I'm trying to improve my writing as much as I can.