As some may know, I have been away from the forest for a long time.

It all started when Ayanel lost her memories just shortly after we became mates again. She forgot about me back then, which resulted in me feeling completely devastated.

I saw her with Demon, tried talking to her, but she was just afraid of me. I couldn’t believe she had forgotten about me, about all we went through…

… and so I decided to leave. It was the only thing I could do to keep my sanity. But little did I know.
The world out there is complex, huge and nowhere as beautiful as my beloved forest. Nevertheless I did not turn back.

Sure, there were other forests, much smaller than this one. I tried living there, but all my visits were rather short. No herd was accepting a stranger, and in the beginning, I had to endure many fights and injuries. Due to this fact I had to live in open spaces for a long time, recovering but still being objected to danger. I met creatures I had never seen before, most of them looking to hunt me down.

I was however lucky enough to recover completely – at least physically. My mental state got worse and worse over time. Ayanel was on my thoughts, always, and I wouldn’t even lay eyes upon another doe. I tried, I really did. But the stags wouldn’t even let me get close and drove me away quickly.

I began to have dreams, nightmares worse than any I’ve had experienced in the past. I kept dreaming of losing Ayanel; I kept dreaming of her death and endless screams of pain. In my dreams, I always remained faceless, even invisible sometimes. She would not react to me, just like the last time I saw her in reality.

At one point, and I don’t even remember when, my mind finally cracked. While awake, I kept seeing things that were not really there. My reflection was more of a shadow than anything else. I saw a demon-like creature in it, entangled in darkness. The creature had no real face – as if one was staring right at the deformed face of death itself.

I screamed, trying to fight the visions I had. My sick mind was not responding however, it kept playing games with me. I tried anything from rubbing it off to hurting myself. This time my self-inflicted injuries hurt more than ever. In my head, the voice screamed back at me until I went completely numb.

It cannot fathom as to how I even found a place to stay in this state of mind. I ended up at the very border of another huge, thick needle forest. There was barely anything to eat, but I managed to survive. Once every few days, a friendly stag came to help me with my injuries, while betraying his own herd. Thanks to him I could finally heal, and the contact helped my mental state greatly.

The creature in my reflection would not disappear, though. It vanished for a short while, only to haunt me when I least expected it. It would appear in my dreams, possessing and killing me. It would hunt and chase me through the night until I could no longer breathe.

I thought of Ayanel again. I remembered her sweet scent, the blue eyes widening at my very sight. Her soft, light brown pelt which emitted such comforting warmth. I would think of how she cowered in fear of other stags, and I began to worry. Who knew if she was safe with Demon, whom I barely knew? But then again, I wasn’t the one to decide about what was best for her. Only Ayanel could know and feel this.



I would imagine her sleeping next to Demon.
I would imagine her raising the adopted fawns with him.
I would imagine her mating with that filthy stag.
I would imagine the bastard hurting her, leaving her.
I would imagine this vile beast leaving her to die after an attack.



The creature started to screech inside me, continuing until my ears could take no more. Feeling as if it was about to pour out of these very ears.

I started running to silence it. I ran without even thinking of where I was about to go. Following my instincts, I kept leaping over every obstacle. The beast inside would not shut up, and slowly I could hear words being spoken between the painful screams.

“Return,” it repeated over and over. I heard Ayanel’s name being called. I even heard her call out for me, those screams of pain again echoing in my ears.

That day I would keep running until I could not stand anymore. My sleep in that time was weak and without any dreams. The only purpose of this sleep was to recover my body, to keep running and running.

I don’t even know how long it took, but it must’ve been days. I finally arrived in the forest, deep at night. After hesitating I went in, slowly, my legs still shaking from the last sprint I took.




The creature went silent at last.




I wandered to the Old Oak, when my legs could not hold my weight anymore. I crashed on the spot. With my last ounces of strength, I managed to crawl inside, the soft hum of the Oak filling my ears. The only other thing I could hear was my breathing, for what seemed to be the first time in weeks.

I managed to fall asleep, still unsure of my decision. Still not knowing if Ayanel was really here. Still thinking that maybe, I would regret this.

I woke up to a thick fog, not knowing the time for which I had slept. I stepped out, my legs still shaking. Slowly I began exploring the forest, inhaling its fresh air and the familiar scents of deer within it. The fog thickened fast that morning, and I came to a halt.



I stood there in silence, until I heard a faint whisper behind me, calling my name…