It's time to sweep the table clean, and get the facts straight.

Bear with me, however. I'm typing this at about 2:30 in the morning, and I technically shouldn't even be in the lounge at this hour. But I'm throwing away sleep time for this. Because frankly, I need to let some steam off outside of the Forest. Those of you who witnessed me beating the sap out of the trees will now see what my grievances are/were concerning.

I'll start with the obvious. I hate seeing the community torn apart like this. It's true that I haven't been here that long (Maybe since last September), but I still feel that there's something about this community that sets it apart from the forums and such that I've been to. Save for TKK. TKK will always have a firm bond with me, regardless as to how detached I am from it now.

But regardless, seeing everyone in disarray like this hurts a bit. Sure, chaos and drama is the very lifeblood of life itself, and without it, the world would turn cold and stale; but it has always been within human nature to hate the very things that keep them alive. Hence why I voice this confession of hating drama and chaos.

And yet, it's almost cruel that, despite hating it, I seem to get drawn right into it; in fact, I feel that sometimes I've caused it, and not of my own will. Which is, again, hurtful to me.

Getting away from that, another confession: I will confess to being selfish towards most things. And yet, I keep myself humble at the same time; Many times I've said, "Oh this sucks," and whatnot, and everytime I say it, I do, in fact, mean it. But at the same time, there's a nagging thought in me that tells me the reason I said so was to garner compliments. That bothers me; it bothers me, because, I genuinely do believe I lack skills with everything I do, and yet, in the back of my mind, I just want to be noticed? It's rather conflicting, and that's something that's always frightened me.

Which brings me to my next point: As I've stated in another blog, I am an insecure person.

I am terrified of what people think of me. Maybe it's simply because of that selfishness that I was talking about earlier. But I have this fear that everyone is out to get me, or that they're pretending to be my friend, only to be talking shit about me behind my back.

NO. I AM NOT ASKING YOU TO SAY WHAT YOU THINK ABOUT ME. IF I SEE A POST LIKE IT, I WILL EAT YOUR FACE.

Of course, I myself make yet another confession; I am, in fact, prone to being two-faced. While sometimes I can't mask my emotions, other times I can. For example, right now, I'm laughing and having a good time in a Livestream, but as soon as I click back to this page, I feel nothing but pent up feelings that should have been trashed long ago.

I am not saying, however, that my feelings towards you, the community, is two faced; what you see me post concerning love and adoration for you and your work is 100% genuine; I am referring to the fact that I can seemingly switch personalities and thoughts within seconds, in a fervent attempt to mask feelings that I feel are nothing more than a burden, such as anger, frustration, and sadness.

And recently, I have failed in my endeavours to mask such feelings. You've all seen my suddenly posting vent work like mad. It's simply because I couldn't take the strain anymore, and I needed a way to vent.

Unfortunately, my graphics, and the music that sways them is no longer enough to cage all the negativity that I feel. Which is why I typing all of this now.

And to be frank, I feel like I'm typing a suicide note. Which I am not, but that's what it feels like.

And now, onto my final point, at least for now, and at least while my brain is still somewhat functioning.

There are certain people/deer who whom I am terrified of. It's not because they're "OMG MEAN." No, far from it. They're all very nice people/deer that don't bite at all.

It's just...I have this lingering fear of people/deer who are well known, or have close bonds to a set few players/deer. Perhaps it's partial jealousy, because it's something I feel I lack. Or perhaps it's something else entirely. Either way, I get jumpy and giddy when someone well known posts a comment on something I've posted; and to be frank, I hate it, regardless of the fact that it's my nature; I'm sure it embarrasses them, and I feel embarrassed for reacting like a 13 year old who just met the actor crush of her life.

Sure, I have approached deer that I have been nervous about, and things went without a hitch. But it does nothing to soothe my nerves. I still feel that one wrong move could turn a tense, yet peaceful atmosphere into a battleground. Hell, I'd be afraid to even flinch.

I guess all in all, I'm just a selfish, nervous wreck who can't decide what to think or to feel, or even why she feels in such a way.

I'm quite sure I'd have more to say, but I think this covers most of it. And it's the most that I can think of right now.