sept 25, 2020

I am feeling much better than I have in months. Covid triggered ptsd and trauma I didn't realize was still there and so strong. I allowed it to get me into some bad habits and ways of thinking that I am still struggling with now and then especially when I am tired. My meds were increased and I am hoping to find a psychiatrist to help me more with my meds. Ive so much to work through and I realize thats part of my anxiety surrounding tef. I want to learn when and how I can discuss things that are on my mind with the people Id want to talk to. Its still hard for me to figure out if its my anxiety talking or if I genuinely want to talk about it or get reassurance. Hate the need for reassurance so often. But yeh. I'm doing much better. Im tired today so its a bit more prevalent than usual.

There is a free russian movie on youtube called “i am dragon” i highly recommend seeing it! Really good in my opinion.

Also I got my hair died a rose gold, though its more gold than rose, will be going in to get that fixed later.

Hope all are doing well and ive been considering making a new character but we’ll see lol.

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2020 has been a wild ride. Not just because of Covid either. The year started out alright but in the past few months Ive been struggling with insane anxiety, depression and paranoia. My doctor will be upping my meds starting today. Last night I had a very intense prayer meditation and got alot of bad things out. Im feeling alot better but I still have some ways to go. I am grateful to Meredith who has been so patient through my ups and downs during all this and to anyone else Ive expressed my troubles to thank you. Many good friends have drifted away in the past due to my mental health either by their choice or mine and having people who are still here beside me through this means the world. I know life will pull us in different directions but I still hold out hope that the friendships will remain as strong and constant as we grow and move forward in this crazy life.

Im out of work again, asthma and crazy wild fires on Colorado didn't help with that. Then my mental health took a dive and Im trying to figure out where to go next. I feel tired alot throughout the day and I sometimes want to get on here or discord to talk but talking in groups still seems to get to me. Wish I knew why xnx. Hoping its not the meds but I suppose with my increase I will find out lol. Ive therapy at the end of September. Feels too far away but I am on a cancel wait list so here is hoping that works out!

For those who knew me way back when, mom is still doing great, no liver rejection and she is amazing and my inspiration. Her faith and determination inspires me to be better myself.

Good to see old friends again, missed you guys. Im struggling still but getting better slowly.