7.23.11

What's your problem? They asked nicely for you to leave Levi alone...
I guess I'm not so nice today...
OH, I'LL GIVE YOU SOMETHING TO LAUGH AT!

Probably a bit to rash of me..
I have been kind of... spastic... today.
I'm sorry...

-------------------------------------------------

I wish I knew what was going on with you, Phobos...
I don't even know if I have your trust anymore.. I do know I don't deserve it.
I want to help, I just don't know if I can't or if you wouldn't let me.
Please though Phobos, you've got to get it together, one way or the other, for your family.

I really don't know how Honey's putting up with this and not going insane.
I know I would have gone mad by now in her sintuation.. And being pregnant and all...
I mean, I've never been pregnant or anything but I know it messes with you a bit mentally..
... dont listen to me...



7.22.11

This goes against everything of who I am... To chose between family members.
This makes me absolutely sick, and it breaks my heart to see so much hate.
I can't come out with the right choice in this. Every choice is absolutely wrong, and looks like I'll have to pick one. Almost like choosing the lesser of two evils, what an oxymoron.

Yeah, I always thought I'd side with Crucio over Tandem... For the simple fact that Crucio has been there for me, more than Tandem ever was. It was like I was only comfortable company for Tandem.
But I honestly never thought Crucio would be the one forcing me to choose...

I never expected to be played as a pawn in some twisted game...
You want to play me? Go ahead!
Let me be the sacrificing piece... the one used for the benefit of others, at the cost of myself.
I won't be remembered, I won't be a hero.
Just another pawn used to win the war...

Go ahead, use me, change me.. Make me into something I'm not..
Make me go to sleep tonight, hating myself for my decision, my measly sacrifice.
Just use me for your own selfish gain.. I guess I have nothing left to lose after I lose myself...

I can't help who I am, I can't and won't change who I am.
but...

Death has me all confused.

What has Tandem done? What has Tandem ever done for me?
He only sought to be my brother after Crucio and him split up.. He only came to me for his comfort.
Yesterday, he attacked Leviathan.. Just because he doesn't want Levi to 'steal his friends away'.. He didn't care at all that Levi was helping me.. He didn't try to help me? Did he? No! All he did was was care about himself and his own issues...
Should I be calling him a brother?

No, no, no.. My love has always been blind, it's never been questioning or judgemental..
It's just always been... Love...
I've never had to question my own love... and now, it's being called wrong...

Call my love stupid, call it pointless, call it worthless.
Maybe I should just stop giving it? Would that help?
Because it sure isn't doing anyone any good now...

...Just leave me alone...
I have to have it out with myself....

-------------------------------------------------

Finally, Cru's talking some sense now..
It's funny how him not thinking things through, made me think them through all the more...
Oh well, what's done is done, no family members will be disowned.. today..
Back to playing the balancing game.
Oh boy..


7.20.11

I hate this, I've never felt so helpless as I feel now..
My mate being chased across the forest by my brother.
Both mentally distraught..
I almost went to comfort Phobos, before I remembered what I had done.. Before I remembered I'd be the last person he'd seek comfort in..
Thankfully Levi went to comfort Phobos..

I went to comfort my mate.. but he won't have me.
That useless feeling creeps back..
I've screwed up big time.
Now I'm alone.. And I have absolutely no clue where to go now...

-----------------------------------------------------------

Thank you Levi, you've helped so much today.

I know this is hard Flammel.. But know I'll always love you.
What we did was stupid... Well all get through it though.
Just like anyother mistake. You have to learn from it and seek forgiveness.
I'm just glad I still have you.

I'm glad I still atleast have most of my family here...

-------------------------------------------------------------

I don't expect you to just outright forgive me.. Just please give me a chance to prove myself and I promise I'll be a better sister.

I hate this.. This fighting in the family.
I already know I'll take Flammel's side everytime.
I hate us being torn apart...

-------------------------------------------------------------

Had a few spastic, fun moments today.. but all in all.. Its been pretty awful these past two days.
Gosh.. What would my mother have to say about this?.. I don't even want to know...
This is going to be hard.. My brother despising my mate.
This could get difficult... If only there were two of me...

Maybe if Flammel just gives Phobos some space this whole thing will just blow over.
... Wishful thinking...
I just don't want a family feud...

-------------------------------------------------------------




7.19.11

Phobos seems.. off today.. I wonder whats wrong..

Mhm, but at least Flammel seems to be in a good mood. But I think he still worries when Taon is around.
I don't know why though, he taught him a good enough lesson. I don't think Taon's even stupid enough to cross that line again.
Besides, I'm fairly certain he wouldn't come around me with you around; and I'm also certain if he did, he would go away if I asked him.
So really there's no need to worry.. The past is the past.

-------------------------------------------

Wow.. Did we just do what I think we did?
Yeah.. we did...
Well that was.. Fun..
I should probably feel bad about this..
Should we blame Phobos? I mean, it was his fault he wasn't around..
No, no, no... This was all us.
Why'd we do that?
I guess it was one of those things, you know? One thing leads to another and..
Yeah...
Phobos is going to kill us.

Oh boy.. Now Flammel's getting "the talk" from Forsake I bet..
Hm, maybe next time, Flammi, I should just keep you all to myself...

-------------------------------------------

I know we all probably deserve it, but I hope Phobos doesn't beat Flammel down too bad.
I know this is driving him crazy too, more so than me I'm fairly sure.
He already has a mark where Forsake got to him..
I think I might need a good antler to the face though...

---------------------------------------------

Flammel ran off..
He's pretty tore up over this..
Who's going to tell Phobos what happened anyway?

---------------------------------------------


Phobos took the news as harshly as I expected.
I can't believe myself. Stupid, stupid, stupid...
I don't think he'll ever be able to call me his sister again...
And I can't blame him...

---------------------------------------------

I know it shouldn't bother me.. And I would never tell anyone this..
But it kind f hurts that my mate left me to be alone, and then my sister flew into a rage.
I couldn't stop her, but Flammel did...
Flammel didn't want me to follow him, but I found him snuggled with Honey.
Any other day I would just be grateful he was able to stop her self harm..
But today is just giving me emotions I wish I didn't have...

I wouldn't blame you if you never forgave Flammel and I, Phobos.. But please, your mate..
She carries your fawns and she's harming herself.. She needs you.. They need you..

---------------------------------------------

Thanks for sitting with me Natali.. I'm sorry I'm not going to be very fun tonight...


---------------------------------------------

This is going to be a long, hard road..
I can't do this on my own.. We can't do this on our own.
I need you Flammel.. please..
I've never been good at.. handling sintuations..
I-I can't do this.. I wished Phobos would have attacked me or something.. I deserve it..

Now I'm all alone, and a gut-twisting fear grips me.
A fear that I'm vunerable. A fear that I'm easy prey.
A fear that I don't know if my family would come to my aid again...

But more than I crave security, I crave love.
I'll always love my family.. I just hope they can forgive me..



7.18.11

Talked to Flammel this morning and I'm glad I did.. I'm feeling better now.
I'm considering taking up healing. If I could ind someone to teach me anything about it.
But either way. I'm okay, I like who I am and I just need to learn to live with myself.
I love my family, and my friends. I don't know what I'd do with out them.
And I'll do anything to stay by their sides.

----------------------------------------------------------

It's nice to hang around family, I feel like I havn't hung out with Phob and Honey in a long time.
I was going to spend some time with Leviathan and Crucio too but when Sianna showed up I slipped away.. Levi seems to like her and I do want to start something bad if Sianna were to come after me again.
So I'll just keep my distance.

Now I'm back with Honey, Phobos, and Ozzie and I'm quite content just sitting here in the pond. It's nice to have some quiet time.


7.17.11

I had a dream last night..

I was Falling.
Falling into vast nothingness,
Reality implodeded.
Darkness surrounded, swallowed, consumed.
Then, nothing was left..
Nothing mattered, nothing existed, nothing became everything.
It was almost like I was waiting for something.
A revelation, an epiphany..
Something, anything.

It felt.. Familiar.
Like I had been in that place of nothingness before.
The emotions, the feelings of that place were...
Bitter sweet.

There was no pain, no sorrow, no anger.
But there wasn't happiness, love, or joy either.
I felt so... empty.

And then, I woke up.
Back to reality.
Back to the joy and pain of life.
And I have no idea what that dream means.
But I think I've been in that place before...
Maybe that's were I was last week.
If there is even such a place...

-----------------------------------------------

What?! Who are you and what did I do?
I was just minding my own business thank you very much.
I don't even know what you think you were doing..
I can't turn my back on anything in this forest.

This place used to be a safe haven, it was like a ray of hope when I came here..
And now I wonder if I would have been better of never coming here at all...

I know, stupid thoughts lead to stupid actions.
Maybe I'll just stop thinking for a bit...

------------------------------------------------

I need to quite this acting depressed stuff... Because I'm not...
I'm sorry, don't worry about me, I'm fine, really.
I just need to figure things out...
I really am okay. I've just got to come to the realization that I'm not as strong as I wish I was.
Once I get over that I think I'll stop having these thoughts.
No one needs to worry about me. We've all already got so many other things to worry about.

-------------------------------------------------

Okay, okay... It's time to think this out.
Why am I so out of it?
I guess I'm just tired of not being able to defend myself, or anyone else.
I'm tired of being a burdan. Of being the weakest link.
Tired of being helpless... I hate thinking about myself like that, that I'm helpless; but it's pretty true.
Any time I've ever succeeded at helping someone was a lucky break.

... So, this isn't helping... gosh
It's hard trying to have a heart to heart with yourself.
I just need a solution..
Either a solution to stop feeling helpless or a solution to coming to terms with being helpless.
I just want an answer, and I don't know how to find it...

-------------------------------------------------

Crucio's not been himself..
I wish there was something I could do.
But what am I supposed to do?
I want to know. I can't find answers anymore..


7.16.11

Havn't you noticed I'd be a great meal for those vultures, Tandem?
I guess not.
Nothing new though.
I'm tired of being fearful of those things, but it's like everytime I turn my back another vulture is trying chew on it...

... I'm just in a sour mood.
I want so bad to know what happened to me last week...

------------------------------------------

Talk about being stuck between a rock and a hard place...
I've got Takk on one side, Morsch on the other.
And here I'm stuck in the middle listening to Crucio and Tandem argue about their sex life and who's the better whore...
... Yeah, this is how I love to spend my afternoons...

I think I'll just go hide under a rock now.
... I may just be scarred for life.
If Takk or Morsch don't kill me, the nightmares I'll have tonight just might.
The term, stolen innocence, comes to mind...

--------------------------------------------

Why'd you have to start that Tandem?
I don't get it...
I'm not blind, nor am I naive.
I can see it. I can see you still have feelings for him.
But he's moved on, he has Leviathan now.. And I believe him when he says the feelings between them are strong and binding.
I'm sorry Tandem, but it's over... And it's just not your place to question his feelings for his mate, nor is it your place to talk in such ways about Levi.
You've crossed a line that was very boldly drawn..
Now, I'm not saying Crucio was innocent in the matter. He came right back with the insults as well.
Both of you got carried away...

Say what you like, but I'd almost promise you that insulting each other like this isn't going to help. You guys need to settle this one way or another, all this will do is strain and tear mending emotions.

I wish I had more to offer, but I don't..
I've never been in that kind of sintuation and I hope and pray I never will be.

--------------------------------------------

They may not need me, but I'll be here, nonetheless.
The little one on the sidelines again.
Only to shout a word of encouragement or reason, unable to play the game.

I have to be here for them, my friends and family..
You see, it's one thing to love in the good times.
A completely other thing to love through the hard times.
So I'll be here to carry pains and burdens.

It's not love any other way.


7.15.11

W-what happened to me?
How long have I been asleep?
I feel fine physically.
I feel like I've been.. lost mentally though.
No clue where this feeling came from.
Thank goodness Honey and Phobos returned in my absence and Cru seems musch happier.
To bad vultures still want to eat me...

Flammel seemed scared to show Phobos his new body.
I don't know why...

---------------------------------------------

Hm, Crucio and Leviathan?
Well, atleast I know they'll treat each other right..
They better.
As long as they're happy, I'll be happy for them.

-----------------------------------------------

Hmpf. Well.
Honey and Phobos are back, no need to worry about them.
Crucio has Levi to help him through.
Tandem's made new friends.
Natali now has powerful adoptive parents.
Flammel is adjusting to his new body.
I feel oddly... uneeded.
A sly, degrading thought passes by...
Look how everything seemingly got better when I wasn't around.

Oh well. That thought can't stay for long.
I won't let my family see me sad. They've done nothing wrong.
I love them far too much and I'm far too selfish to leave them.
But still.. I think.

Even more thoughts go through my head.
How long have I been gone? Where did I go? What happened? Was it bad? Was is good?
I don't know...
Something happened though, and I want to find out what...

7.8.11

Started out a great day, mainly rested with Flammel, then spazzed with a few friends.
I'm not so worried about the vultures with Flammi around, it's nice not to be a paranoid wimp for atleast a little while.
I still can't believe how he's changed.
It's almost like he had an epiphany along with the change of his form.
He seems more.. Confidant in himself.
It's not like he really changed.. He just became.. More of himself.
If that makes any sense.

... Any way, Later on, I tried to help him and some others chase a bat away from this un-named doe.
Okay, so it's not like I'm tall enough to jump up and attack a bat flying through the air, but I tried.
I think Tremor got a kick out of it too...

Well, atleast we managed to keep the bat off of the doe, so mission accomplished

--------------------------------------------

I sit inbetween Tandem and Crucio now.
It feels like I could cut the tension in the air with a sharp antler.. Or maybe Flammel's new talons...
Maybe I need to be comic relief here. Or maybe I should just leave.
I don't know, I am in a better mood now.
Although still very worried about HoneyFur and Phobos...
Wherever they are, I hope they're together, and that they're safe.
I hope they come back..




7.7.11

I just don't get you Cru... You, my brother, are being an idiot...
Either an idiot or a lovesick fool..
Maybe this is just a stag thing.. I thought you would have seen Lucy for who she was yesterday.

... Just what exactly are you trying to do?
Love can't be replaced like that.. It takes time.
It takes time to heal... and then time to grow.
I don't believe you've allowed time for either of that...

Hm, Crucio and Tandem.. You seem to be tolerating each other.
Maybe this won't be as hard or harsh as I thought.
We'll see. This is a dangerous balancing act right here...

-------------------------------------

Honey, Phobos, and Flammel have been gone too long..
I'm... Going to go look for them...
If they're in this forest, I'll find them.

--------------------------------------

I've looked under every rock, in every tree, in every hole, crack, and hollow in this forest.
I've searched the red hill, the blue bowl, the graveyard;
Around the pond, inside the old oak, by the twin goods;
Under the bridge, along the creek, inside the crying idol;
By the playground, in the drinkplates, and in every flower patch in this whole forest...

They're. Not. Here.

What if they've just left... Just like Moose did...
Without saying goodby. Without a reason.
What if something's happened?
What if they were taken?
What if they were traded for all these... stinking vultures?
Think about it... They disappered around the time all these vermin with wings showed up.
What if they don't come back..

No no no. They have to come back... soon.
They just have to.
I.. I can't go on without them.

--------------------------------------

What am I doing? Sitting here, wallowing in self pity and fear.
Tears wont help. I've got to be strong now.
It ends right here. I'll leave my pitiful act here, I'll bury it.
No matter how distraught I become now, I can't show it.
Now, I have to be strong. There's those that need me to be strong for them.
I won't let them down.
My sorrow. Can wait.

---------------------------------------

These deer... do I just smell good today or something?
Why am I being stalked? I just wanted to be alone...
I won't chase you off now though, not with little Natali around...

Excuse me.. Who do you think you are? I just meet you.
No need for nuzzles, thank you.. No, I'm not going to follow you, I didn't want you to follow me around in the first place...

Who is this blue, bird-deer... Why does he keep jumping to defend me?
No.. He smells like.. Flammel?
That can't be right, my mind's playing tricks on me..
Oh gods, no.. He didn't eat him.. Did he?
No no no.. His eyes... They're his..
They are his.
Flammi?
WHAT HAPPENED?!?
You look so.. Different.
How?
Am I.. Dreaming? This is starting to feel like a dream.

Is it wrong of me..
I mean, the.. um.. former you was handsom as you were.
But this... all I can think is.. Wow.
... I should be kicked for just thinking that...

7.6.11

Do you like this one Crucio?
Mhm, I hope so. Please don't go around messing with hearts.
You're better than that.

---------------------------------

You little skank...
Couldn't you see he was already hurting?!
You're the one messing with hearts..
I hope he sees you for what you really are after this. I've known you for a day and I can see right through your sluty act..

----------------------------------

Oh.. What am I going to do..
Crucio. Tandem. I've known them both for the same amount of time.
They were nearly always together.
So Why did I count Crucio my brother... But Tandem only my friend.
Why?
I'm not entirely sure..
Crucio's always been there, defending me.. Acting like a brother to me. Tandem, he just wasn't there for me in the same way. I don't know how to explain it...
What do I do?
They both need me.. Don't they?
But I fear to call Tandem my brother.. I fear I'd lose Crucio, the brother I've had longer.
I fear lossing both of them.
But what can I do? To comfort one is to bring anguish on the other.
Will I have to choose?
I don't want to... but how can I go on like this.
I want to help them both.. but this...
This is killing me from the inside out.

I'm scared. I feel so alone right now, even surrounded by many.
Where's Honey and Phobos? Maybe they'd know what to do.
Flammel... What would he think about this?
I wonder if they'll know what to do.
Because I sure don't.

Maybe I'm just a heartless little doe, who's making the wrong choices.
Couldn't someone tell me the right thing to do?
Or is there no right now? Is there nothing but pain and misery left? Nothing but the cold grip of guilt and rejection?

The fear of what I may have to do haunts me...
I'm alone in this. There's no side for me.
I'm just that little one on the side with the power to render either opponent shattered and broken.
No one wants this side..
This one will be hated for what she'll have to do.


7.5.11

They're only supposed to eat the dead, that's their charge... I don't understand why I keep getting attacked for protecting the living they go after. I won't stand by while they go for a fawn..

----------------------

Dear Natali... She's so little.
I'll watch over you my dear, please stay close.
Keep away from those vultures...

----------------------

I'm sorry Cru... You're my brother..
I promise.. I'll be a better sister.



7.4.11

I'm sorry, Crucio and Tandem... I love you both, don't make me choose...
I don't think I can...

I think this one's name is Tremor? She may not know me but it I'm glad to have some company, especially with all these vultures about...

---------------

Hm, it all started when I ran for two vultures going for a sleeping deer...
Then deer started running into help, resulting in a pretty epic battle if I do say so myself.
All us deer won of course, and celebrated afterwards....

I have concluded that I may be small and not very intimadating to the vultures.. but...
I have plently of macho friends, and what kind of chivalrous stag just stand by and watch poor little Nane get eaten?

-----------------

When all this is finished... I need a bath.
I look and smell like death...
I mean, no offense to Crucio, but this look... is not me...

----------------

It's amazing that some would defend these vultures, even as they go up to kill for a meal...
I don't care if they eat the dead, that's what they were made for... but this... hunting, is wrong. I won't stand by and watch them kill off the fawns and wounded. I'll also fight Henna and anyone else who sides with them if need be...

I can't keep this up... I wasn't built to be a hero...




7.3.11

Where is everyone?...
Flammel, HoneyFur, Phobos... It's been awhile since I've seen any family other than Crucio...
Not that I don't love Cru, but.. I can only handle so much.

I miss my family; kind of worried too...

--------------------------------

It never ceases to amaze me how many things want to eat me...
Death-birds... That's what they are.
Going after me and the little fawns...
How dare they go at Natali like that....

Cru... Your girlfriend there... quite rude.
No, no. Don't worry about me.. I'll just leave you two be and go die of infection now, thanks.

Now Levi's ill with Cru... I don't like family fights...
They're the worst kind...
Please, make up soon....

----------------------------------

Now I remember... These are vultures...
Back in Africa, they were everywhere, feasting on the dead and going after fawns..
They've never been after me though... Not like these one's are.





7.1.11

It's been a quiet day, I've mostly just hung around Ryuu.
But then, I noticed this black dragon near us in the graveyard...

Of course I had to go check it out..
Don't think I wasn't ready to run though.
I mean, the last thing with wings I meet tried to rape and eat me... not necessarily in that order either...
But, dragons can be nice. Ryuu's got a lot of dragon in him and he's perfectly civil, and HoneyFur as well.

I think this black dragon's alright too. He's pretty cute as well, maybe a bit frightning though.
Either way, he's fun. Romped around with him and Ryuu for a bit before resting with them.

Hm, just please don't eat me, dear...



6.28.11

Romped around today with Phobos and a new bird-doe I meet named Soliel. She was fun.
Managed to get my mind off of yesterday for a awhile; but now, sitting here, I can't helped but be sickened all over again...

----------------------------

To be cut off from life before it even began for her...
I never knew Hoshiko, nor do I have any ties to her family; but, thinking about what happened saddens me.
I couldn't imagine how it must have been for Kaoori and Wesker... To lose their daughter like that.
I don't think I would have been able to make it through something like that...

-----------------------------

For every bad moment though, there seems to be a good moment.
A dancing tower? Why not?!
Oh dear... We seem... lopsided.
Mhmm, anyone can build an upright tower... but this...
This takes skills.


6.27.11

Mhmm, I love waking up beside of you <3
Isn't it a beautiful night?
Hehe, can't resist a good game of bum-nuzzling tag...
I love you, Flammi. <3

.... What's wrong? Don't worry about Taon, love... He's all the way over there, he won't bother us...
...Fine... I guess the fun's over tonight...
... Gosh, moment spoiled...

-----------------------------------------------------

Your head hurts Honey? Well maybe you should have thought about that before you ate a gazillion of those shrooms... I guess everyones going to be in a bad mood today...
I'm lucky I was able to limit myself to... three.. yesterday...

Oh, you're Zera... You were there that day I was... Taken.
Nice to meet you under better circumstances.

-----------------------------------------------------

Is everyone in a pissy mood today?!
Now Crucio's acting all funny...

------------------------------------------------------

This day... just gets worse...
Who knew there were deer so... sick.
As to defile the grave of a fawn.
A fawn that was murdered by said, sick deer.
Just repulsing...

I can't even think about this without tears welling up in my eyes...
And with another thought... One runs down my dropping muzzle.



6.26.11

It's so beautiful tonight, simply amazing.
I saw Flyleaf and say with him and others for a bit, then, I caught sight of Taon. It's been to long that's it's been so... uncomfortable betweem us. So, after gathering some courage I approached... Perhaps he'll be okay with us being just friends? I hope so...
After he left, I went off by myself and found a flower patch in the moonlight to doze in.
Woke up and romped around and then rested with Flammel, Honey, Tandem, and Crucio.. I'm glad I can finally have some fun and peace.

---------------------------------------------------

You DO NOT need shrooms to have fun... Granted sometimes they help...
Phobos and Honey! They made me do it!
And now I'm... Kind of... Naked....
Oh dear... Where's Flammi when I need him...

Phobos and Honey are naked too... I think they're worse off... mentally, than me though.
I do believe this is wrong on so many levels....




6.25.11

For every tramatic event, there must also be a recovery...
Sometimes that path is long and bumpy... Esspecially when you know that the pain is likely to return...
But, recover nonetheless and move on.
It's all you can do sometimes...
I'll try, return to the balancing act of life.

I miss it, it seems like so long ago that I wasn't so scared of life.
Just scared that it'll keep knocking me down again...
I know it's worth the good moments, but I just miss those days when the good times outnumbered the bad.



6.24.11

There's a scary way in which a heart can stop working.
It keeps pumping blood but it no longer finds a reason to do so.
If a heart no longer had a reason to pump, could it just...
Stop?

I don't want that to happen to me.
These things that have happened to me in this past week aren't huge problems or sintuations when compared to others...
It's just been... Too much for me.

Because poor Nane, can't take care of herself...
Because poor Nane, needs a hero to come swooping in every other day...
Because poor Nane, is too weak to defend herself...
Maybe she is... Or maybe she'd just like someone to need her for a change...
Maybe she dreams of being someone's hero someday...
Maybe she hates feeling useless, weak, and helpless...

There's something that goes on in one's mind when they're treated as a pathetic, weak individual
... They start becoming pathetic and weak.
There's something about being completely helpless
... That makes you want to grab hold of any strength you can.

When the opposite of love is shown to you, in such a harsh way
You crave real love to be affirmed.
You're scared you've been delusional,
And that no love is really true...

Paranoia, it's almost comforting... Being completely aware of everything around you; thinking that maybe being aware means avoiding another, frightening, painful experiance.
But paranoia is... Tiring
I just want to believe again that everything will be alright.
Even if that may not be true... I still want to believe it, to hope it...

I want someone to give me a reason I'm still supposed to be here.
I don't see it.
What have I brought others? What have I brought myself?
Pain? Fear? Burdens?
I just want life to make sense again.
Because, right now... It just doesn't...

I want to know that this is somehow worth it.
That it's still worth all the pain and fear.
Please give me a reason to believe this is true, I beg you...

I don't want to feel this way anymore, I want to stop.
Before it tears me apart


6.23.11

Back, back, back
go back, he came back...
Won't go back, they won't get back.
STAY BACK.

Hide.
Hide here. No, there.
Over here, not safe, go there.
Keep safe, stay away.

YOU
stay away
HIDE
go away

Sleep... No, I did it
There he is
HIDE
RUN
No dying tonight.


... Where am I?
...............................






6.20.11

...... No.....
..... Get.... Away..... From..... Me

....No......

------------------------------------------------

I thought he'd take me away from the forest... I'm both relieved and fearful of that.
No one better try to be a hero...

-------------------------------------------------

get away. get away. get away.
LEAVE ME ALONE!
get away. get away. get away.
no. no. no
get away Honey... He'd hurt you, he'd kill you...



6.19.11

Oh no Honey! What happened?! Was it... that tree?! I'll take care of it!!!
Showed that tree a lesson too...
Wait, I smell... Eighteen?!
Excuse me, mister... Darcy is it? You look pretty scary... Would you mind staying?
I'll take out the tree if you get Eighteen...

Ohhh, more antlers... Good, a war against Eighteen... A good defense is the best offense, right?
Ozzie and Phobos, scary scary antlers... Get on your "Grr" faces.
WHAT?! Stupids, getting closer to the enemy! DEFENSE, DEFENSE, DEFENSE!!

Is the enemy gone? SEE! DEFENSE... it works...
That tree though... It's gaining on us, look, it's staring us down...
And that little pointy antlered one... She brings disorder to the camp!!
But don't worry!! I always win staring matches, the tree, will lose.

DID YOU SEE THAT?! The tree just attacked that cow looking deer right before my eyes?!
The little pointy one saw it too! ATTACK!!!
.... It better not try that again... I'm watching...

AH! THE TREE ATE DARCY!!
SPIT HIM OUT YOU FIEND!!!
.... Oh my goodness that was close, are you okay Darcy?
Phobos?! I don't think you understand the danger here. That tree. Has got. To. Go.

Now's my chance.. No innocent bystanders around... ATTACK EVIL TREE!!
DIE DIE DIE!!
.... It is finished, the tree, is dead.
Needless bloodshed avoided, you all can now rest in peace.




6.17.11

Just keep moving, don't go back to sleep.
I don't want to sleep forever. I feel funny.
Just walk, keep walking...

Sorry Incubus, I just need to walk this sleepiness off...
Maybe I could walk off this bad feeling. I don't want to go back to sleep feeling like this...
I fear I wouldn't wake up..

I don't know how much longer I can do this...
That statue, That tree... They growl at me everytime I go by.
Please, Flammel, no. You should rest..

----------------------------------

I'm done, I can't go on any further, everything's starting to get hazy.
Please, don't leave me... I'm.. I'm scared.
I don't want it to end this way..

----------------------------------

Mhmm, Flammi... You're too comfy...
Going to make me... Fall asleep...
...............................................



6.16.11
I tried to get my mind off of things with Honey, Crucio, and Tandem this morning. We had fun, all dressed up as peacocks and what not. Phobos showed up later too.
I fell asleep shortly after.

-----------------------

YOU!?! YOU’RE THE SCUM-BAG THAT HURT MY MATE?!
How dare you show your face!!!
COME ON! Fight like a stag!
Let me teach you a lesson you WONT forget!
I'm not scared of you!!! WE CAN DO THIS ALL NIGHT!

YEAH! YOU BETTER RUN!
If you DARE, come near me or Flammel or ANY of my friends... I'LL SPILL YOUR GUTS ACROSS THE FOREST FLOOR!!!

I ALREADY KNOW I TASTE FREAKING GREAT!
I've been down this road before! I didn't get eaten by Morsch and I WONT get eaten by you either!!

....... I'm sorry, Forsake, Honey, Phobos... You don't need to be involved in this. I can handle it... I came out okay when morsch hunted me... Okay so I got hurt pretty bad but I'm still alive now... Hm, I'm pretty bad off at the moment as well..
But this isn't your fight. He wants to eat me... I want to tear him limb from limb...
Don't get hurt because of me.
---------------------------------------

IVE NEVER SEEN YOU BE SUCH AN IDIOT, HONEY!!
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!?! CHASING HIM? DO YOU NOT EVEN CARE ABOUT YOUR FAWNS?!?
GET AWAY FROM ME! I WONT LET YOU GET HURT BECAUSE OF ME!
I'D LET HIM EAT ME IF IT'D KEEP YOUR FAWNS SAFE!
I'M A GAZELLE, I CAN RUN! I DON'T NEED TO CHASE YOU ACROSS THE FOREST WHILE YOU STUPIDLY GO AFTER A PREADATOR!!!
BOTH OF YOU, HONEY AND PHOBOS, STOP NOW!!
OR I SWEAR I WILL LET HIM EAT ME!!
---------------------------------------

I, I can't believe I made this happen... If I would have just run away in the first place like Forsake told me to do... I wouldn't have risked my future niece's or nephew's life. What have I done? I could have out ran Eighteen in the first place. This didn't need to happen. Why does everything seem to start off being my fault?
Stupid, stupid, stupid... If Honey would have lost those fawns today... I... I don't think I would have ever been able to forgive myself.
I just got so angry...
Maybe it would be best if eighteen just came and ate me now... Then my friend's lives wouldn't be in half as much jepordy...
---------------------------------------

I know Eighteen's gone now, but I still... just want to be alone... I'm not deserving of company, I'm sorry...
---------------------------------------

Oh Flammel, I'm sorry you woke up to me like this... Beat up and in an emotional wreck, what a sight I must be...
I just fell like I want to crawl under a log right now, to hide from the world.
But, you Flammel... I'll stay here for you... I love you.

I know I'm not the best.
I'm hard to deal with. Demanding. Emotional. Impulsive.
But somehow, you still love me.
Somehow, my friends still love me... That never ceases to amaze me.
---------------------------------------

Okay, just for a little bit. I'll rest my eyes for just a short time..
I love you Flammi <3



6.15.11
Mhmm, I'm glad you're awake, love.
Be careful I don't want you to... over do it, too fast.
Still, I enjoyed our time together... I suppose some things are better left unsaid though <3
I missed you so much. I can't even put into words how happy it makes me each time you wake back up. I could never take that for granted again.

Everything seems alright now. Sure, Moose is gone, and I still feel a slight pang of saddness everytime I think about him or sit in his old spot; but, I trust he found happiness wherever he went and I know we have happiness here.
They say home is where the heart is, and for me, this...
This is home.

-----------------------------------

Why, Flammel? You were healing... and now... This?
You should have known better... there were plently of ample bodied deer there to defend Herla...
You shouldn't have done that, been so stupid.
You didn't need to be in there either Honey...

What a home...

-----------------------------------

What the does this look like, a party?!
Everyone just needs to get the heck away...

-----------------------------------

It's amazing how a day can change so dramatically so fast. The unprodictability of life never ceases to amaze me.
I suppose I've always been the sensitive type. Things always seem to mentally effect me dramatically. I went from one extreme to the other today, it's been enough to mess with my mind. It makes me feel sick, sick in my head, sick in my heart.
Even the smallest things make me panicy now-a-days... I'm not sure how to fix that, how to handle that... None-the-less, it's life... I've got to learn to live it.


6.14.11
Played around with Honey, Phobos, Ozzie, Spar, and Strike watched us.
I decided it'd be safe to sleep after a bit... But I was wrong...
They played dress up...
What am I now?
Oh look... It's Nane... THE PEACOCK.
Come'er and let me lovingly poke your eyes out.
......
Don't worry, I will have my revenge...
--------------------------------------

I love you guys. You freaking weirdos.
I've had a lot of fun today, even if it was in a ridiculous outfit.

Oh, but when the butt nuzzles start, it's time for me to go...
Have fun ~

--------------------------------------
HAHAHA
You don't like being a peacock?
Bring it, big boy.
I havn't has a good spar like that in a while. I feel, out of practice.
Poor Phobos, probably thought we were really going at it. It even felt like we were for a bit there.
We got Phobos going though, then Strike and Honey came back and joined the spar.

Ozzie came as well and we all began line dancing.
----------------------------------------

Saw Crucio and Tandem too, it's been awhile... Well, Crucio sure hasn't changed...

6.13.11
I just... Can't believe that Moose is... Gone...
For good?
I'm sorry Moose. I wish you could have been happy here...
An unfamiliar stag came up to me today and I realized how much I wished you could have been there to "protect" me, just so I could see you again.
I just wish I could know you're okay, that you're happy. If I knew you where, maybe this would be easier. Maybe my heart would be in less pain then..

But at least my heart can find peace here with you Flammel.
Here with you, I know everything will turn out alright.
You're feeling a little better, yes?
Don't over do it, love...

Hm, is it just me or are we being out-numbered by fawns?



6.12.11
Hm, this is depressing.. I have all this energy and nothing to do with it...
But my Flammel woke up again, so I'm happy. So, so happy.
But sad, sad he's in pain.
I wish, i wish there was something I could do..

I'm sorry if I'm smothering you, being too... obsessive.
but...
Mhmm, I love you Flammi... Have I mentioned that?


6.11.11
Hm, what's that green thing there in the sky?
What an odd friend you've made, Honey...
The forest becomes more odd every day... Now little green things are fighting... And one green thing has retreated to the sky...
Oh dear, am I hallucinating?
I better get some more sleep...

That little green guy's a bit close. He smells funny...
I guess I'll just watch him from here... make sure he doesn't start anymore funny bussiness around here



6.1.11
And the tears I've held so long begin to fall.
Silent rain drops trickling from my eyes.
Is he... dead?
No... his chest, it rises and falls,
Yet so faintly...
He's wasting away.
What do I do?
What can I do?
Someone has to help him... He just has to wake up.

I'm so scared, never been this scared.
This fear, there's no name to do it justice...

5.28.11
Taon... I can't help but feel a certain anger, maybe even a touch of saddness towards him.
He still looks hurt, though not nearly as bad as my poor Flammel... Who lies here motionless, his breath so faint.
I know Taon's sad. I'm not ready to have him near me though, not now.
Nor do I want him anywhere near Flammel...

5.27.11
I'm all cold and muddy as I remain in this spot.
I can't leave him.
I don't know what to do...
What do I do now? Weep?
Tears welt up in my eyes, my own firey will keeping them from flowing down my cheeks.
Crying won't solve anything now...
Now I know that feeling HoneyFur and Phobos had for each other when each of them were on the brink of death... That irrational fear and choking sorrow...
It's painful...
-----------------------------
Who is that Honey? What do they want?
Well I know if you have something against him then I should be weary.
But please, I don't want to start anything. Not here, not now.
And I know I'd have to get involved if something did go down...

5.26.11
He... wont.. wake up...
Why is has he slept so long?
I managed to get a rock under his head to hold his head above the water so he won't drown in his sleep. I'll watch over him as long as it takes for him to get better, whatever it takes.
Moose, I'm glad you're here. Just please... Dont touch him...
Last time you did you broke his leg in your rage.
Please, he's so hurt. Leave him be and I'll be fine.
No... I won't be fine until he wakes up...
----------------------
I can tell you don't like this Moose, Flammel and I being together.
I just don't understand why though...



5.25.11
I smell Taon not far away. I wish I had the will to go to him, I still consider him my friend... But, I just can't right now, not after what he did to my Flammi.
I hope he's okay though, I don't wish him death; but, if Flammel won the fight and he looked as bad as he did, I can only imagine how Taon must look...
------------------------

W-what? What happened? You were supposed to get better... not worse. How did this happen? Did someone else do this to you? It doesn't smell like Taon...
No, no, no... This can't be happening...
Please, love, just lie down. I won't let you get hurt anymore than you already are...
Please... be okay Flammi, just be okay...

I can't stand to see you hurt like this, it hurts me as well, wounds my heart.
Please, sleep now, let your wounds heal.
Just promise me you'll wake up...

5.15.11
... I couldn''t run forever...
Not with how tired I already was.
I'm faster than him, I'm smarter... but I'm not invincible.
I was just so tired, and I couldn't run away from Phobos... Not when Morsch could... finish him off...
He got his jaws on me today, right on the back of my neck. It can't be good, his breath's so fowl it reminds me of the smell of a poisonous snake's.
I believe Phobos was bit as well.
Well... when you play with fire, you get burned.
He ceased his hunt on me after a painstakingly long chase.
I don't think I can run anymore, i'll just drag myself to the pond, and hope to get better...
--------------------------------------
Thank you for sitting with me Taon, I really enjoy your company right now, even if it was only for a short time. I'm sorry I couldn't play around....
--------------------------------------
What if he comes back? I'm so scared now... It's just me and Phobos right here... What will we be able to do?
My legs feel like they'd fall off if I had to run anymore. I... just....can't

It's so... cold...
--------------------------------------
Flammel's here now, thank goodness.
Please stay with me for a bit. I feel better with you here...
I smell him, Morsch.
No, no, no. I won't go down like this.
I won't be dinner tonight...
--------------------------------------
I'm sorry Flammel... It seems like everytime you come I'm hurt...
Now you're gone, as fast as you came...


5.13.11
Oh, Phobos, I wish you would manage to get yourself to the pond.
You as well Honey.
You both need water, you need to eat, you need to rest.
Please, please get better...
----------------------------------
Hm, Forsake is hanging around... I wonder if that means Flammel is close by...
He didn't show up today atleast.
----------------------------------
I'm glad Phobos and Honey got something to drink today, I'm glad you were there to help getting them there too, Liam.

But that gazelle stag with the red mask, the one who tried to get me away from Phobos yesterday, showed up.
I don't know who he is... But he irks me...






Morsch is back today...
I found the bas-... I found him sitting by Phobos... Just sitting there, waiting.
So I ran at him, but apparently he thinks I'm not a threat... Just a snack-to-be.
He chased me again... Slow idiot... But thank God Levi was there. Her he seems to fear, or atleast respect.
He sits, watching Phobos and I from the rocks...
----------------------------------
IDIOT! I DON’T KNOW WHO YOU THINK YOU ARE?! Trying to get ME away from Phobos?! GET AWAY!
----------------------------------
Morsch, he draws closer...
He laid down, I sniffed him cautiously.
Up close he doesn't seem as threatening... Awkward limbs, clumsy.
His breath smells fowl... Deadly fowl. A bite that could kill.
Simple enough, don't let him bite you. I'm fast enough to handle that...
Doesn't mean I won't be watching him.

I ran before he could get up and shoo me away. I don't believe he's hungry at the moment...
So I return to my post. Staring down the hunter.
----------------------------------
When Phobos isn't around to guard, I must admit, it's actually entertaining to mess with Morsch.
I think they call that playing with fire... You run the risk of getting burned.
I needed some comic relief though.
----------------------------------
Please wake up Phobos. You need to wake up.
HoneyFur needs you.
We all need you.
Just please, wake up...

Thank God he got up...
Really Morsch... are we really that interesting? There'll be no food for you here...


NO. not this. not Phobos now. Every rock hound can go rot in hell...
We were so close to being better...

NO. That thing, they call it Morsch, he... he's hunting me.
He came after me... He's clumsy though. I got away that time.
But he stayed close by, watching, waiting.
He smells fowl, like death...
I know he has his eyes on Phobos too. He's dead if he thinks he'll get past us...

He sat way too close, and I remembered something my mother had told me about predators. Something born into us gazelles... How to show off when a predator was lurking around. To show your strength, and mostly speed, off. The more you can make the predator doubt their abilities to catch you... The better chance you have of getting away... So that's what I did, I flaunted. He left eventually, but I'm quite sure he'll be back.
I've never really been this scared of another thing here in this forest.
Not Nekumbra, the former fawn eater.
Not Crucio, my reaper friend.
Not anyone else.
Morsch... All he wanted... was to eat me...
---------------------------------------------
Oh HoneyFur, my dear...
He'll get through this, I know he will.
We know he will.
We'll keep him safe, we'll be here.
I wish I could bring comfort, but i know that only Phobos' wellness can bring that right now.
----------------------------------------------
Moose, I'm so glad you're here, both for Phobos' sake and mine.
And you also, Caine? I think that's your name.
I just hope Morsch doesn't come back...

5.9.11
I've felt like I've been walking on a cloud since yesterday, such a pleasant feeling. I wish Flammel were here, so I could be near him, talk to him... He'll be back, not soon enough for me though. I am glad he didn't take this feeling with him when he left though.
Everything seems okay right now, contentment laying gently on my heart... I'll play this balancing act for a while, we'll see how it goes...
--------------------------------
Hmm, those fawns, so sweet; running around and playing with their boundless energy. I remember those days, yet only vaguely, like trying to remember a forgotten dream...
Watching them now, I can't help but feel a certain sense of protectiveness... A strange sense of adoration... What do they call this feeling? Maternal?
Maybe one day...
NO. Don't go there, Nane, you idiot... Haven't you noticed all the pain going on around you recently? You aren't fit to be a parent, when you can't even keep order with your friends...

Great. Now I'm talking to myself... I'm right though, of course... I don't think I could ever go there, to be a... a mother. I don't even know where that thought came from...
Everyone of my close friends has gotten hurt lately, I wouldn't bring a fawn into that kind of life... How selfish that would be of me...
Besides, who would ever even-
No, I just need to stop the thought there...


5.8.11
I do wish you'd lighten up Moose. We're having fun over here, and everyone would be glad to let you join us. You can't carry around those bad feelings forever, can you? It'll drag you down, I don't want that for you, no one does...
Well, that's good at least, that she's giving you some company...
------------------------
I've wondered what you're name was... Oden? Nice name.
You seem quite... indifferent, to all that's going on in our little patch of forest, probably smart of you.
------------------------
Oh, what can I say... What words would do justice to what I'm feeling? I don't know of any...
I've never felt like this.
Love, is that it? I've loved all my life... but this, this...
This makes my heart do things that can't be good for my health...
And it's all Flammel's fault...
It's like everything else just disappears, and all that's left is him and I...
Oh no, I'm becoming one of those love-sick saps aren't I?
I swear though, I can't help it. It's just... him.
Everything he does, every time he touches me it's... quite distracting. Yet, I never want the feeling to go away.
When I'm with him, everything seems okay. I don't worry about Moose, I don't worry about Alpay.
I don't worry at all, I... I just love...

He had to go of course, leaving me more floating than standing. It's all right though. I feel like I live for the moments he returns. I wait for those moments when we're together again. In those moments, it's just pure bliss...

I'm still not sure what to do with these emotions... So powerful they scare me, in a good way though... I'm not sure if he even feels the same way, that scares me too.
The fear of the unknown...
--------------------------------
Hm, Moose... Are we okay now? I wonder how long it'll last, but I'm happy with this. I don't think I'll ever be able to trust you like I once did -my heart can't take your hurt again-


5.7.11
I sat with Taon this morning, he's quite pleasant company. I can't help thinking about the conversation about him between Flammel and I though... And I can't help but wonder why Flammel was so guarded about this stag over others I know...
---------------------------
So things are that bad between us, Moose...
Suit yourself.
I won't come crawling back this time.
I have nothing against you, but there's no reason to try that hard to get you back...
You don't want me... What's the point?
There's really not one.
I have friends that actually love me... I'm not deprived of attention at all.
I have everything I need.
I'll miss you.
But the next move is yours.
I won't be pitiful and try to make amends with someone who clearly won't meet me half way.

As for me... I'm quite happy to sit here, huddled with Honey, Phobos, Liam, and Tandem.
------------------------------------
Wait a second... This is the doe Moose? The doe you choose to replace us? Your smell is on her...
HA!
Good job keeping her around. This can't be a good sign to you... That she's sitting over here, sitting with us rather than with you.
By the way, she's lovely company...
This has to burn you up.
I find it rather humorous.
Learned anything yet? I guess not.

Sorry, I'm done now. I don't enjoy this vengeful feeling...



5.6.11
Sat with Incu and Succu until I noticed a stag roaring and rearing at a fawn... Can't have that now can we? I went to stand over the fawn, just to tell him to stop, the promise I made to Flammel clear in my head. He stopped roaring at the fawn, and started roaring at me. I roared back for a minute or too... but that got boring... so I just kind of stared at him as he roared...
Succu and Incu didn't seem to like this much and taunted at the stag, oh dear. I went away after a moment and they followed me, a brawl avoided... I'm satisfied.
Today is also the first day I've felt able and willing to play around a bit, so I romped with Cru and Tandem shortly and came across Awentia and another deer I believe to be Roxanne... Well, Awentia knows me a bit from before, and I've never meet Roxanne. Although I'm sure after today they'll view me as a complete spazz... Ah well...
My back hurts quite a bit now... but it was worth it.
----------------------
Also ran into Leb and Ari, I'm so happy for them! They'll make good parents.
----------------------
Incu and Succu have been bickering, I do hope they've resolved it now.


5.4.11
Looking back on my life I can see how I've changed.
Formerly shy, withdrawn, hesitant... I've changed. Changed and matured.
Well. I suppose only slightly have I matured.
None the less, no longer without confidence, I've become...
Hm, not someone different, but someone who is more of... myself.
Confidence, it came from overcoming hardships, it came from friends, it came with a bit of wisdom.
Now, I'm also stronger, because that which doesn't kill me, makes me stronger.
I suppose I'm just hard to kill...
Also, having had it from the beginning, but still growing day by day... Love.
My friends, they have brought meaning to the word.

Love.
So easily it leaves the tongue...
Yet so powerfully it molds and shapes us.
It's shaped me.
In fact, everything I am can be tied back to this love.
This love, it grows like a flowering vine.
Stretches out to gently wrap around those near.
Continuously growing, reaching out.
Oh, but so easily torn away from.
So easily the flowers made to welt...
Though quickly can it be revived, budding again.
Reaching out forevermore, to wrap those in a surrounding caress.

Hmpf, there I go, going to deep again. I used to be so simple minded... I miss those days... but rejoice in these days, because now everything seems more... meaningful.

-------------------------

Oh no! Who's hurt you Incubus?... I wish I could do more to help, but that doe, Succubus, seems ample enough to take on the entire task of protecting you while you heal. I do hope you'll heal soon.
Phobos, Ozzie, sorry I couldn't have spent more time with you.



5.2.11
Solitude doesn't suite me well... It makes me think too much, too deeply.
Moose, you've found a new herd haven't you? That doe, the one you sat with yesterday, you like her, yes? Be good to her, or else you'll lose her too.
Even though I doubt you'd ever call me friend again, I truly wish nothing but happiness for you. I can't be angry anymore, all the anger has been worn out of me over these past weeks. But the hurt... It's still there. The thought that you never cared for us as much as we cared for you. The thought that we are so easily... replaced to you. That. That hurts. It hurts like an antler to the chest.
Know that I won't ever replace you Moose, you meant a lot to me. I relied on you, I trusted you. Apparently though, it was all in vain. You never really cared about me, did you? If you did, you might have tried to work things out.. But no, I'm not worth it to you.
I can live with that.
I'm going to distance myself from you... I can't continue hurting like this. You've hurt me and those I dearly love. Both mentally and Physically. I'm too tired to go on like that.
I have no remorse for anything I've done, I've only ever tried to stop you from hurting both yourself, and those I love. How is there fault in that? If you ever find it, let me know.
That was the last straw for me, the way you hurt Flammel... Flammel, the one who wanted nothing but friendship from you, and to merely get in between you and his master when you wished to harm him. How do you find pride in that? To hurt someone so truly innocent. To fight someone who refused to fight back, who wasn't going to hurt you... Are you just scared of love Moose? Is that it?
Despite all this, wherever you go and whoever you're with, I hope you find what you're looking for. I'm sorry we weren't enough. But I'm done being hurt by you, this is the last time. I could never again trust you like I once did. That trust was lost in blood...
----------------------------------------
Two dear friends laid near me, Ozzie and Phobos. I hope they didn't mind I didn't stand up to greet them. I'm just so tired, so tired of thinking. Little did I know that as I drifted into a light state of sleep that the thoughts would continue.
I thought about my dear friends, Honey, Phobos, Crucio, Tandem, Ozzie, Flyleaf, and others. They have always stood by me. They're the world to me. I love them all dearly.
Then... I had a thought of Flammel, no, thoughts of Flammel. A thought of how I missed him even though I had seen him merely a day ago. A thought of how I felt so close to him, even though we havn't known each other terribly long. A thought of how, every time I'm around him, a slew of emotions flood me. I haven't the slightest clue of what to do with these emotions... But they're there none the less; and I find I don't want them to go away...

Through all of this I've come to find I have all the love I could ever need and more. You, my friends, my loved ones, are enough for me and you always will be.


5.1.11
I'm sorry. I don't feel like doing much of anything... I'm quite boring at the moment. I don't think I'll be much fun for a bit; but you're more than welcome to sit with me.

Come with me,
Let your mind wander.
Take your mind far away, away from these pains.
Somewhere, far away, there is laughter.
Laughter that used to be ours.
Laughter we gave away,
Gave away for these tears of grief.
So foolishly we gave it away.
Come with me.
Maybe we can rekindle our old laughter.
Maybe hope isn't lost for us.
Let us hope and pray,
Maybe one day,
We can trade these tears for laughter.
-------------------------------
You've kept good company Moose, thank you.

Now I'm alone, left to my own thoughts; but I sleep, so I barely notice.
--------------------------------
Oh, there you all are, my friends.
Please excuse me while I sleep.
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Moose, I'm sorry, I still love you. And I also love Flammel, Honey, Phobos, Forsake, and many more. If you can't deal with that, then I'm sorry. Love is all I'm going to offer... You hurt him? You hurt Flammel?... No no no. Why? What has he ever done?... Is it me? Do you just love to see me in misery? I can't believe you...
Flammel, I'm so sorry. You deserve better than this, you really do... You deserve better than me... I hate myself for doing this to you, I'm so sorry.
I'm sorry, Honey and Phobos, you deserve better than this too.
What am I doing? Causing pain?... I don't want... I never intended...... None of this should have ever happened.
I'm sorry...


4.30.11
Are you hurt Moose? I'm sorry... Well, we can just lay here, hurt together...
You keep good company as well, bird-masked stag. I wonder what your name is.
I'm soo glad I could play around a bit today with Honey, Phoboy, and many others. It helps. I'm feeling a bit better today, mentally aswell. ALthough I do feel as if I would finally break if something else went wrong at this point... We'll see.
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Oh Moose... I'm so sorry. I wish I could say something; but nothing can change what already is.
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What have I done... I wanted so much to be well again. To be free of these iniquities... But that stupid stag, that IDIOT. You wanna fight? BRING IT! Yeah, think you're all that I bet; but you're not, that's why Honey choose Phobos over you!
SHE'S HAPPY! But you just have to screw it all up for her and the rest of us. GET OVER IT! I'm sick and tired of you. I've never felt this way before... This feels like... hatred? No, I don't like that feeling. Take it back!
You're lucky you ran, you fool. You're lucky I don't have the strength to chase you. But just you wait. One of these days, I'm going to heal; and if you EVER treat my friends like that again I'll make sure you're the one that never heals!

... Why?.. What have I done?... This pain, it just needs to go away. My back, my neck... Smashed, slammed, beaten... All because you stags can't control your own emotions... And I can’t control my own…


4.29.11
Moose, you idiot... My back hurts; I don't feel like running half way across the forest while you have a temper tantrum... I know though, it's all my fault in some way or another, of course. I just wanted to be there for Nekumbra, whom I was happy to find found another source of food other than fawns... But yeah, I know, too much to ask. Yet, I still go after you, stupid me and my feelings... I'm sorry, Phobos and HoneyFur, none of this had anything to do with you, I'm sorry you got involved. I'm just sore, and tired, I want to play around, but it hurts. I feel like crawling under a rock... I wouldn't hurt anyone under there...
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Nekumbra, I find it odd that some have such a hate for you... You keep much better company than some others I call friends...
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Agh, I think I played around too much, my back is killing me... Where'd you go Moose? I'm too tired, too sore, to come after you... I'm sorry you're sad Moose, truly I am.... Ouch...

Ugh, Crucio and Tandem... Get a room! Or maybe a big tree or something...


4.28.11
You just had to start something Pierce? Just get over it already! Move on! And by the way, learn how to fight, a fawn could have beat you at that game... That's right, you better go over there and think about what you've done... Ugh, and yet I still went to apologize... Silly me...
Well, on a happier note, things seem more like old times between us and Moose, sure he ran off when we went up to the spider doe, but it's not like I didn't expect that. Is he really suprised that I do have a life without him?... Oh yes, the spider doe, Nekumbra, she didn't seem to want company anyway, still so sad...
Really Crucio? I understand the whole reaper thing, but really... Did you just have to try and get her to come up to that fawn right next to us? First of all you can tell she doesn't want to do it, second of all, just because you can't be killed doesn't mean I wouldn't love to try...
Okay... I think I'm done now... carry on...
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Well, I guess Crucio is off pouting, and Honey is torn up... One normal day, one calm, normal day is all I want now... It's just too much to ask now-a-days though.
I'm done for the day, I've had enough. Before I do anything I regret I'm just going to go rest for a while...
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But of course, giving Nane a break is against the unwritten law... Oh, Alpay, I'm not yours... Why do you treat me as if I am? I'm sorry Incubus, I have butt-head friends... I wanted to go with you, but I'm afraid he would have hurt you if I did, I'm sorry.
Now your just alone with an unhappy little, doe Alpay... This wasn't how you planned out this evening in your head, was it? Hm? Ignorant stags... Just leave me be, I'm not your toy...
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How many hours ago did I want this day to end? It just keeps on going though...
Alpay... Get it through your thick skull; I'm NOT yours, you don't own me. Incubus didn't mean any harm whatsoever, but you just had to start something! What's wrong with you?! You're not like this!
Leviathan, thank you for your help... I was quite at a loss of what to do. I wanted to be with my friends but I knew If I went to them, Alpay could hurt someone... Then I just wanted to be alone, but he kept following me...
I can't take this, it's like I'm a pawn in some sick game.... Just leave me alone, I won't take this from you or anyone else…


4.26.11
These little ones, these fawns... They make me feel like myself again. They're so innocent, and playful, don't have a care in the world <3. Thank you to Ozzie, for your fun company.
I felt more like myself after that... That spider doe showed up in the forest again and worried me though...
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The spider doe showed up by the pond. I'm not sure if she came for dinner or not but I got in between her and a fawn who tried to approach her. She made no aggresive/hungry move... In fact, she seemed almost sad. She ran of a bit, but came back; I wanted to show her that I had no ill feelings towards her so I bowed several times, but she still seemed scared, and sad. She lay down by Woden and I laid a bit of aways away from them, just observing... Then, catiously she approached.
I was ready to run if she made a vicious movement, Flammel's warning ringing in my head. But slowly she approached and, almost to my suprise, carefully sniffed me then backed of seeming sad again. I was satisfied with that, so I returned to the pond to be with Crucio and HoneyFur.
So now I'm thinking... I'm not much bigger than a fawn, the spider doe could have easily killed me I suppose, but she didn't. She just seemed so upset... Does she not like herself and what she does? Could she be helped? I don't know... If I see or smell her again I'll keep a careful eye, I don't want to hurt her but I wouldn't hesitate to get in between her and a fawn again. But if there's even a small hope that her appetite could be satisfied in another way, I would do anything to help her with that... For now, I won't let my guard down though...
Flammel's going to kill me for this... Hopefully not literally...

OH YES!! Trival healed Honey!! I'm so happy for her, she's back to her old self (besides the antlers).
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Oh goodness... Well I figured I'd call it a day with the spider doe and not try my luck any further, but for some reason, Flammel seemed insistant on bringing me over to her... I didn't really understand this since he was practically trying to rip her head off, but you know, you play the cards your delt... Spider doe seemed much more trusting of me this time and even played around with us for a bit. I tried to help Woden to get her to eat some grubs... I don't think she was all that happy about it. But I know she's trying... I nuzzled her when she seemed sad and she nuzzled back, though I think Flammel thought she was trying to bite me because he flipped out on her.
I wanted to stay and continue progress but I decided to lead Flammel to the pond for a bit so he could calm down.
I went back to them later and stayed for a bit until I decided that Flammel had probably had enough of it so I went to find Phoby and Honey. I think Flammel was quite flustered, but no blood, no fowl. So we rested.

I'm sorry Flammel, I truly am... I won't ignore your warning... But in the end it will all come down to me doing what I feel like I have to do...


4.27.11
I think that the stress and fighting of the past days has gotten to me... I feel like I just want to sleep forever... So tired... Good night...
That doe, the spider one... I can smell her, she's so close, and those fawns... I ran to chase her away from them, I was too far away to see much, but it looked like she was carrying something as she ran away... I smell a murder...
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I wish it was always this way between us Moose... I wish this peace with you would stay.... I
wish and I wish, but no shooting stars are falling yet...
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I'm feeling... like I'm not even myself anymore. That scares me. It's been so long, or so it seems, since I was the real Nane. The friendly, playful Nane, who didn't have a care in the world except to those around her.
Who am I now? The stressed out doe; quickly angered and so easily broken.


4.25.11
WHAT?! I mean really?! You couldn't have done this yesterday?! I think poor Phobos is a nervous wreck now. I wish he'd beat you both up... Well, I suppose I should be happy about this, and I am. I guess I just wonder how long it will last, this time of... Peace? No, not peace, I don't believe we're quite there yet. Maybe one day...
Crucio, thanks for being... well, Crucio-ish. I think we needed that show today.
Moose, go ahead guard us from those deer that wouldn't even hurt us, I don't really care at this point; but I swear, you touch Flammel and I'll escort you out of this forest myself...
Flammel, please just be careful... I don't want you to be hurt with the rest of us.
Phobos? No. Not you too... Why? Pierce? Let me at him...

I don't understand you stags...