August 2, 2008 - 8:02am — Shiori
Where do I begin? And who do I address first? I do not know. The normal fluidity in which my thoughts usually flow seems to have been terribly disrupted. They dart every which way, confused and disoriented. I feel as though I’ve been split into halves, or my conscience has at least, and each section has something different to say on the matter. We all know what it is by now, right? I should hope so…even now I hesitate to repeat my actions to the world, as though the shame of it hasn’t already gone beyond sinking in.
-sigh- I ramble…as though I can put this on hold even further. I do not know how to start, and I certainly can’t finish…but I must dive in nonetheless.
Let me start with the first half of my conscience.
Wyvern, I have done you a great wrong. I owed you my loyalty, an exuberant welcome, and my love. I swear it was true upon your departure, you were not wrong to assume it so. Even now in the thickness of my sorrow, your carefree and good natured words bring a smile to my face like few others have managed. You had always made me laugh, hadn’t you? Made me feel like less of a fool as I leapt about like a fawn in springtime. You were not gone such a very long time…how horrible I am to have found so many excuses for why I should forget you within the short span of it, especially when you have easily carried thoughts of me with you…
Fulu, I have done you a great disservice. Why do you blame yourself so? The anger you showed me that day warranted no apologies. I deserved it, and much, much more. I was not…naïve of what I was doing. You were not some dark seductress who cast upon me a spell of enchantment, though enchanted I dare say I was…but with full mind of it. The time of Wyvern’s reappearance was close at hand…somewhere in the back of my mind I knew this, yet I could think only of my selfish need. Selfish, a word that defines me completely. What excuse did I have to get your hopes so high within only days of meeting you? You are young and wanting in the many experiences of life…and perhaps I took advantage of it.
This I feel is the right way to be…completely in debt to you both, and unworthy of either.
And yet…I would be lying if I said that was how I truly felt. It is the right way, yes, but the heart does not always do the right thing. I’m selfish, remember? While I care deeply about others I believe it always comes down to what I want and need out of life to be truly sincere. I try so hard not to be, which is why my conscience has split in favor of siding with it, but my honest nature refuses to let it go at that, and I fear I must go on to reveal an uglier side…
Wyvern. The day you left is a blur to me now…in fact many of our days today are a blur. What I remember I can only smile bitterly at for I know I can never return to those days, nor t being the stag I was before. I believe I was falling into some despair even as you prepared to leave on your journey. I did not know what caused the sadness, but it was there. I remember feeling…relieved that you were going. Again I can not remember exactly why…perhaps I didn’t want you to see me in such a stat. You were always so happy and full of energy I knew this sudden affliction of the mind would bring you down. I was glad for the break so I did not have to worry about upsetting you…but it seems I took this contentment too far. I…forgot, for a while. I feel shamed to admit it but I was growing better and ready to move on as I felt my thoughts shifting away from old, immature carelessness to a new plane of patience and understanding. I made new friends, and Reetno’s unfortunate troubles distracted me from my own. While I said before a month was a short time to be away…it passed so slowly for me. I did think of you on occasion… Whenever I saw another with pieces of your set, I thought of you.
Soon however I found that thoughts of you brought sadness…not because I missed you, but because…because I could no longer imagine us together. I loved you, Wyvern, but I began to question that love as I realized I knew so little about you. You made me laugh and joined me in my games, but what now that the games had calmed and my humor had matured? I tried to calm my fears by telling myself you too were bound to have matured, or that your kind nature would be understanding of me.
Soon again my thoughts became distracted. Reetno had grown into a stag…or whatever he may be. Even I do not know but I have never cared, truly…unfortunately it was not so for him. Upon his maturity it seemed he too had found himself fond of another, but his self consciousness of his unusual appearance made him weary and depressed. I did what I could to comfort him, but it seems he had grown out of being eased by a nuzzle or straight word. I stray…I feel horrible saying this next bit, but I know it must be true. I grew…jealous of Reetno’s love. How completely he seemed to be caught up in it. At first I thought I simply missed his company, and this…doe…was taking up his time, but now I think it was something more. I wanted to feel that way, too. I thought I had once, but the more I thought about it the shallower that love seemed to be. ‘Puppy love’, it was…but I had grown, and I wanted something stronger.
Oh Wyvern…I feel so horrid. It must sound as though I am belittling what was between us, and maybe…maybe I am. I’m just so uncertain! You seem like such a stranger now. You have missed out on so much, so much that could have strengthened us. We could still have had the chance. I had only a week and a couple days more to wait. We could still have had the chance…
Fulu. Gods…I could never have expected you to come into my life in such a dynamic way. I had heard of you from your brother, but very little…I think I met you once when you were younger, but our paths crossed only briefly. Nothing sign cant…nothing at all. I long to say the same now. But the moment I laid eyes on you as a doe, dressed in full, exuberant in your own coming of age… I was struck by Cupid’s wretched arrow. Even now I can not explain it, the depth in which my feelings grew for you over such a short period of time. I would like to think you felt it too…and yet I hesitate to do so. Would you have fallen for me still had I remained oblivious? Had I not engaged you in every way? I can’t imagine so. I am not special…if anything you’ll learn from reading this confessions that I am not even sure of who I am or what I stand for anymore. Yet ignoring this fact I gave into my selfish desire and pursued you readily. Love has a strange way of making life seem so magical, so carefree when it is not so. How easily I shed the worries of tomorrow…and the tomorrow after that…and tomorrow after that… Till I had no tomorrows left, and Wyvern’s journey had come to an end at last.
No, Fulu, I have done you the worst kind of disservice any could have done you. I feel I have robbed you of your innocence and forever discolored your view of love...perhaps even your trust has been maimed in the battlefield. What’s worse is that I prolonged your pain with my silence…that I ran from you, doing the very thing I chastised Reetno for doing, and for no better reason than that I selfishly did not want to face you. I still don’t. What can I say to you that would comfort you? I owe so much to Wyvern…how can I let go without giving us a proper chance, a chance deserved and promised? Yet its so easy for me to say I love you, and to mean it with all my heart and soul, that to deny it would crush my heart completely and leave nothing left…
I need help. I have never been a leader….never one to make decisions. Perhaps this is why…I obviously make a mess out of the chances I have. I need a friend…and yet throughout this ordeal I find myself strangely within. No, that isn’t fair, let me rephrase. I’ve pushed you all away. My sadness plagues you, confuses you, drives you away…who am I but a selfish leech to expect you to stick around and endure it? I’ve tried to join in your games, yet I feel every skip, jump and rear is an outright betrayal to the misery I feel I owe myself for those I’ve harmed. But Gods…I’ve never needed a friend more than I needed one now. Not a friend to nuzzle me and to tell me it’ll be alright…but a friend with advice, strong words and harsh tones to snap me from this childish stupor.
If not for me…then go to Wyvern and Fulu…convince them of what a lowly, undeserving wretch I am, that I am nothing to argue over…and nothing to miss.
Poor Darcy -pats- I may not
(This was brilliantly written! It's just awesome! lol)
*~--~--~*~--~--~*
Feed it! Feed it NOW!!
Aww...Darcy...I wish there
Nicely written by the way.
-----------------------
Fan art done by Rowan.
Biography
†wïlïgh†'§ ÇhïlÐ: Index
oi... where to start...
*sigh* Darcy... What a mess things have become. I tried to face you today, but you backed away, as if you were afraid. What were you afraid of? Did you think I would harm you? Honestly, Darcy, the only thing I've beaten down with my antlers were pinecones. Darcy, you need to get a hold of yourself. Life will never truly be all peaches and cream. Not even during love. Ask me, I know. Me and Fenqua have had plenty of bumps to overcome. But you know what? We did it together. I know how early love is. You float on clouds and bounce around on the moon, and every time you look up at the sky, you see the stars and clouds shape into the one you think of.
But you gotta come down sometime. And the first time you come down is when you hit a problem. You may not wanna hear that, you may just want to stay up in the clouds forever. But life won't let you. It'll chain you down with so many problems, and denying them just makes it heavier. You need someone to knock some sense into you? I'll do it. I'll do it whenever you need it. Fulu told me about how she yelled at you. She was broken down, overflowing with tears, because she felt horrible about it. I have never seen her cry like that. It broke my heart. I will gladly slap some sense into you, because ever since she told me what happened, I deeply wanted to do it.
Darcy, I... I don't know what to say... I want to apologize for yelling at you... I didn't mean to do it. I didn't mean to hurt you, or Skokey, or anyone. I should have been more cautious, but I was too ignorant. Skokey never told me that I would meet someone like you on the first day... I'm glad you didn't act oblivious though... Because then... Well, maybe I would have lost hope on love.
I really want you to come back with me... But I'm just a selfish little bird. You have no idea how much I don't want you to be with Wyvern, and it pains me to say it... But I can't deny how I feel. I didn't know love could come and go so quickly. But I suppose that's Skokey and Fenqua's fault, since they've been together for ages... He told me that Fenqua was his first true friend. It made me think that the first stag I met would have a good chance of being my mate. What a wonder, huh? You were the first stag I met... And look where we went?
To be honest, I hope you don't let Skokey.. "slap some sense into you." I can't imagine how it would be to see him hurt you... I know he meant it, I could hear it in his voice. But... Like he said, we should get through this together. The only reason I got so angry was because you kept running away... I wanted to talk to you, and make sure we could all handle this. It's never easy when you want to go it alone. And that was the greater reason why I felt so depressed. Anyway... I'll stop rambling before I take up too much space.
I think it's already too long...
---
The Butterfly
The Bird
The Watcher
Oh yes, much too
Thank you for the compliments guys, though of course I don’t see it -chuckle-
Of course I thought you would…well not harm me, perhaps, but yell at me. Threaten me. I expected it. I think, deep down, I wanted it, and I still want it. Never before have I felt such a need to be punished for my actions than now.
-Bitter chuckle- I never claimed I thought life was ‘peaches and cream’…I have experienced quite a bit of its hardships, thank you. Your words confuse me a bit, I admit. What am I in denial about? I have just bared all, haven’t I? Or is there something I am not seeing? -frown- I don’t think you can compare my situation to yours. This is more than a ‘hardship’, Skokey…more than a wee obstacle in the long and winding road. I hold the unhappiness of one for the sake of another in my teeth…both whom I love and adore and would rather spend eternity with both of their sorrows combined on my shoulders than harm either. As much as I appreciate your offer, I’m afraid any advice you have to give will be the biased sort, Skokey. Of course you’d have me choose your sister…but as you said, life and its choices are not so simple. Feel free to do to me what you like but it is that choice I still have to make…
And Fulu…-sigh- How can such a beautiful doe have such an ugly view of herself? I am aghast at these blames you pile upon yourself so readily. You did not hurt me, I hurt myself and everyone else through my thoughtless actions. While I love you I should have had the sense to spare you the pain I knew subconsciously it would bring...but I did not. Why can’t you see this? Perhaps I’d rather you hate me. It is no purer an emotion, no, but at least you will not go on blaming yourself for something you had no part in doing, and I would what I deserve.
Perhaps you are stronger then you think if you feel you can face me to ‘sort this out’…for I am quite sure that facing you now would ruin me. I can barely face my friends. The ‘togetherness’ I’ve experienced thus far has been with all eyes on me, watching, waiting, expecting something from me. I don’t have the answers…I can not yet alleviate your pain.
Stop this guilt and raise your head my little bird.
Edit: Oh I forgot. I think Mr. Bells would just depress him more eh? With talk of how pointless love is? -giggle-
======================
Perhaps I got carried away
sorry, Skokey's feeling harsh today O_o
Darcy, I do see it! I don't know why you think I don't! I just didn't back then... I didn't know you liked her, I had no idea you were friends with another doe like her. But now I do, and I can see how you feel... I know you love me... I love you too... But would you really accept my hatred than my love? Not even the love of friendship? Would you rather come out of this making an enemy than a friend? Now that I do not see... And what you do not see is that, if I ended up hating you, I would blame myself even more. It does take strength to face you, but it soon fades when you run away. Now I can barely find the strength to search for your scent. Simply because I know what you'll do when I approach you...
---
The Butterfly
The Bird
The Watcher
Wyvern: I...I am at a loss
...Darcy, I still have feelings for you. I admit it. I always have, even if they were once rooted merely in foolish laughter and galloping games. Puppy love, perhaps, but mustn't true love start somewhere? Perhaps, I cover up my true nature all too well in my...boundless energy, as others see it. But I thought that you of all deer would see me in something other than simple shades of black and white. Am I that monotone a doe or that childish a personality? If anything, my journey has taught me more about myself. Will you not give us another chance to unearth such experiences together?
My eyes have sometimes strayed and fallen upon another stag, so I cannot shake my head and stomp my hooves at your actions. You are only a deer, as am I. Time can teach us. I can only wonder if we still have a chance...if you would still like to give us that chance. Or perhaps, I should simply accept your words and move on. I have always been a loner. Why should that change...
Darcy, I look forward to your reply, for better or worse...Until then, though, I promised my brother that I'd accompany him near the pond. *bows* Goodbye for now.
Sorry guys, I was away all
-sigh- Well like I said Skokey, do what you wish…but what I need is more than just a bloody nose. I fear I shall never find it…that I must do this alone
Fulu…you say you see it yet your words speak otherwise. If you truly did see it then you would not blame yourself!…I’m sorry. I’m frustrated…trying to find reasons against you, perhaps…though the same could be said for Wyvern. Hate would not fuel blame…not true hate, and that is what I wish, yes. Friendship? I can’t see it…I don’t think I can ever go back.
I’m sorry I run…but I can not act in a way as to please everyone else when it feels wrong in my heart. This is why I avoid my friends. Their eyes are on me, waiting and expecting of me something I cannot give. They still tilt their heads in confusion to my sadness, as though they do not understand why I feel it…And then they grow bored of me and wander away. Again I can not blame them, but…I feel no better for it. Loneliness seems more bearable than expectant eyes…
Wyvern…-sigh- I suspected you might say something like this, though I tried and tried to convince myself it was not the truth…that your fondness for me was as shallow and uncertain as mine felt. I can’t imagine what I say makes you feel any fonder of me, but I can’t help it, it’s the truth. I WOULD love nothing more than to reacquaint myself with you…to hear the stories of your travels, to find those shades of grey. I do not know why you assume I would know anything about you that I have not been told or lead to believe, but I’m sorry for letting you down in that area, I guess. Perhaps I’m not the stag you thought I was. No, I’m definitely not the same as before. Perhaps I’ve changed for the worst.
I feel no closer to an answer. There seems to be more at stake then just love. Will I lose Skokey and Vessel’s friendship if I go one way? Will I lose Reetno if I go another? Reetno…he adores you so, Wyvern. Part of me wishes he would have seen what I was doing and tried to stop it…perhaps he did and didn’t care. Either way I worry of him, on top of everything else. Perhaps I will go out and search for him again today…
======================
okay, i just came back from
I can't help but blame myself... It seems like all of your pain was brought about because I came along. You wouldn't hurt yourself! Nobody would! You can't say that my coming along was your fault, no. You can't say that meeting me was your fault. You saw me, knew that I was related to your friend, and thought you could make another. That's what you saw, a friend. But for some reason, that friendship burst into something more. This would never have happened if I had just stayed at the Playground, COWERING behind a rock because I couldn't face my fear of trouble! And look at what happened! The very thing I wanted to prevent happened anyway!
I can't blame you for what I did... I can't blame anyone but myself for finally coming to the pond, after so much time. But I can't help but wonder... Why do you think I want an answer? When I look at you, I'm not looking for any spoken answer. I'm looking at you, so that when you look at me, I will see the answer. Because your eyes will say it all. I wasn't told this would happen, nobody was. It all seemed to go on fine... And no one was there to tell you otherwise. I love you Darcy... But if you want me to go... And if I see that in your eyes... Then I'll go.
I won't be a friend. I won't be an enemy. I just won't be there when you are.
---
The Butterfly
The Bird
The Watcher
My brain will explode if I
But man, Darcy sounded kind-of like my bf, lol.
Umm...umm...I KNOW. I shall help by...writing out some poems by Dorothy Parker that may suit these situations. Hope you don't mind. If you don't wanna read, just skip this post.
My Human wrote this out, though this is not her poem...I believe that Fulu might benefit from this poem...
The Counsellor
I met a man, the other day-
A kindly man, and serious-
Who viewed me in a thoughtful way,
And spoke me so, and spoke me thus:
"Oh, dallying's a sad mistake;
'Tis craven to survey the morrow!
Go give your heart, and if it break-
A wise companion is Sorrow.
"Oh, live, my child, nor keep your soul
To crowd your coffin when you're dead."...
I asked his work; he dealt in coal,
And shipped it up the Tyne, he said.
Sweet Fulu, I pray to the Twin Gods that you shan't wilt yet, for you have yet to truly bloom; But a thought...it is true, as the rumors say...that you can never know true happiness without knowledge of the truest sadness...my sweet, I wish you luck in your travels...
-low growl- Stop it, Fulu!
-low growl- Stop it, Fulu! Just…stop! Your self-accusations of blame grow petty. You are to blame because you walked near me? What foolishness is that? We may as well blame our wretched parents for birthing us, then, or their parents before! Fulu, I respect your innocence, but you must wake up. I can’t bear to hear another word of it. Perhaps I have taken things too fast…I came to you first, Fulu, or have you forgotten? It was I who pushed it. You were too young…I don’t throw blame around lightly. I knew where it is due. These things come with age, and yet I find myself growing weary of your sympathy for me.
You want an answer. My eyes can tell you nothing my mouth cannot tell you first. Perhaps the poet in me has died, and talk of heart and sole has made me weary and doubtful.
Your boyfriend? Why on earth are you with a guy like that? XDD Jk
Lovely poem, not that I have much of an eye for poetry ><
======================
Aww, it's me and my bf. Him
Wheee...question, Darcy: Are you actually a boy or a girl irl? How about Skokey...boy or girl? Reetno, boy or girl? Pega, boy or girl? I feel so confused sometimes. *i'm a girl*
*sigh*... Alright, fine... I
lol, Anzel... im a girl in real life. so this makes roleplaying Fulu so much easier XDDD (why do you think Skokey is so girly XD)
---
The Butterfly
The Bird
The Watcher
@Anzel: Well looking at any
*~--~--~*~--~--~*
Feed it! Feed it NOW!!
Ditto Reetno's words exactly
======================