Some of you know me as Faunet or as cc ( nickname) the truth is i am dealing with the loss of my brother. This blog is dedicated to him and will be edited when i need to vent. RIP my big brother


RIP big brother.

For my big brother Chris who passed June 2,2009 at age 30. ( You were my big brother my rock star and my best friend and still to this day that remains the same)


The moment i was told you were dead I admit i thought no no way after all mom talked to you a few hours earlier and everything was fine. Minutes passed an i heard what happened i ran from my parents to be alone. To try to make sense of every thing. I was shocked and hurt and started to cry. After an hour i went down stairs to help and comfort mom after all i am her only child now. I will never forget how mom was that night when she would cry i would try not to cause i needed to be strong for her.I tried my best to stay strong for her through the airport but when she was safely in our familys care i cried all the tears i held back before. The next days were rather unimportant i would sit on the swing for hours and ignoreing everyone waiting to wake up. I remeber June 10 very clearly that was the day my mom and i were suppossed to come see you but instead we had to bury you.

DEATH
The death of someone you love is something you will never forget. The memories of that loved one is all you have to hold on to. All you have to keep them close when you willl never see them, hug them. To never be able to tell them i love you again or hear that person tell yo he loved you.Such things tear at your heart till a piece of it is no more. Yet the pain never goes away because it is your constant companion. Your life becomesa nightmare. There is no escape. Sleep seldom comes easy to you and if sleep is achieved there are no dreams just a dark abiss that pulls you under.When you wake up you have the reality hit you over again and again stabbing you like a knife. Every time you pass or look at their picture you either burst out crying or becomee chocked up until you can not talk. Questions are constantly in your mind taunting you with what you could have done,what if i did this differently? the list is endless.You become a shadow a ghost of the person yoo used to be. You know not what you do you only know you are going through the motions. Day by day it hurts to go on without you but one thing is for certain the memories that you left me will never leave me.


I remeber your smile and your laughter.
The way you always seem to teach me stuff.
Your mischievious grin when you were up to something.
The way you were kind to everyone and gave them a chance.
You wanted nothing but the best for your family
You have a big heart Chris there is no denying that.


You loved candles and each day i find myself lighting one for you.


Your 31st birthday came we released balloons for you we even made your favorite desert . Happy Birthday big brother.

Each day i know you watching out for me and our family. The day i went to visit your coffin the day before the burrial i told you I love you Chris I love you big brother. However i cant say goodbye because i know i will see you again someday. But i need to know your your gone be with me and let me know your alright. I said these things to you Chris. And you have let me know in many different ways thankyou. The last thing i said was someday i will see you again I love you big brother.

The last time we timed we talked on the phone was our last conversation . I said Chris I love you. And no matter what happens im here for you and so is our family. We will be there for you to support you and help you get back on your feet. You replied. I love you to sis. And thanks i appreciate it.
I had no idea that this be our last conversation all i knew was that i was worried about you, and that i had to tell you these things.



It seems just like yesterday i was able to pick up the phone and talk to you about any thing.
And these days I find this human connection was broken.
However we still have a connection a connection that I know very little about.
We are still connected in a way but this connection is so different from the connection i had with you before.
The connection i had with you before was being able to talk,see you,hear you,.
I can still talk to you in a way but i cant see you or hear your reply.


You took your life and i knew the reasons why,
But why this way out?
You could have gotten away from the problems alive,
Your death to our family is heartbreaking,and devasting,
Sometimes i feel i could take it better had you not killed yourself.
Sometimes i think it would have been better if it was ancident or something natural.
But to know that you were in so much pain before breaks me.

I used to smile as October came each year but October 1st of this year was a rainy gloomy day. For as you know big brother the week of halloween we visited you that was the last time i hugged you and you hugged me The last time I pecked your cheek and said see you later but it was not the last time i told i loved you. Halloween night was the last night mom and i stayed with you. The following day before our plane left i fixed you an egg omlet like an ausome brother you ate it . An hour after that we left to catch our plane. I was so sad to leave but i thought i would get to see you again if i had known then what i know now i would not have left. I would have done anything to stay had i known i would not get another visit. All i knew that day was that we had plans to come see you June 10.
I miss you so much big brother.


In a few hours it will be Halloween and i find it rather hard to know its marks the last time i saw you. Nothing is the same cause your missing. It hurts to think of the past and realize you are not here to enjoy the present. I miss and love you so much big brother.

In memory of my big brother Chris who i shall never forget or his memories . I shall love him and miss him till the day i am reunited with him and then we will walk up and down the beach for hours at a time. Till then my big brother , when i can hug you and tell you i love you.
LOVE,
RIP Your little sis.