[ letters to the failings ] Rutilus.

I'm gonna buy a gun, shoot everything, everyone
And then I'm coming for you, 'cause it was you that drove me to.

Sulwyn. You would've been my first love had I actually loved you when we were together. Thought I did, you know? But no. It was afterwards. After Her left me, actually, that I realised I loved you, or I had loved you. Something clicked at some point. We would never have worked, though. Too different. You were the first one I realised didn't trust me. Thought I was cheating on you. "You were thinking about it!" you said when I insisted me and Her hadn't been doing anything. And then you ran - I followed you. You hit me. I stopped. I used to miss you. Sometimes I wonder if you're still alive, and sometimes I doubt it.

Her. The real deal, you know? Haha. I loved you, you know that. I guess you loved me too. And it was so--so good, for so long, yet I knew something was missing. I didn't know what until it was too late. I was this close to getting down on one knee for you, and you ended it. I was so, so close. I think that's why it hurt so much, why it took me such a long time to stop hating you and to stop hating Vipin, too. He has what I never got the chance to get. I used to sit there and just--hate myself, even, because he was better than me, wasn't he? Perfect gentlemen. Beautiful, porcelain-pale, dark hair, blue eyes. Got that mysterious thing about him. And then there was just me. Normal guy. No dark past. Just me. That fucked me up for a long time, that thought. But y'know--it's weird, because I know now we weren't meant to be. It wasn't the end of the world like I thought. And I'm happy, y'know. For both of you. So keep that in mind, and--and invite me over sometime, fuck...

Rowan. You were...fuck, man. You helped me more than you know. And--y'know--I'm thankful for that. I guess it hurt a lot when I realised that we were never gonna be anything, because I loved you. It was stupid to love you, but I did. I knew you were gonna end up with Darcy, I thought you two were...well, meant to be together. Maybe I was wrong, looking back, but at the time...no, you weren't meant to be with me. But I miss you. Miss having you around. It'd be so nice to...see you again.

Tuna. Oh, you bastard. I fucking hated you when I realised how I felt about you, way back - back when I was recovering from Rowan. You--it was stupid, man. Really stupid. But I loved you. Still do, of course, but not like that. Not that I'd say no if you--I mean--I love you and M, man, I mean I don't love M but--this is getting awkward. But yeah. Loved you. Thanks for that. Wish you hadn't gone so far away. Wish I could afford to visit you. Wish we could dance again.

Martisol...haha. I guess you still don't know about this, huh? Well, maybe you do - maybe you guessed. It wouldn't have been difficult, y'know? I was pretty obvious. You're the only girl I ever kissed, and meant it, when I wasn't with them, did you know that? And--for the longest, longest time, man--I would've done anything for you. People were always saying we should be together, or that we'd end up together, and we didn't. I found that funny. I always laughed at them. Wouldn't we look weird together? I was--y'know I fell hardest when you found Ashdrau. I think it was just before I realised you two were...well, all lovey-dovey that I realised I was, too, only mine wasn't exactly mutual, was it? Too bad, I thought. You've failed again, Rut. Lost your chance - should've piped up sooner, so now you don't get to pipe up at all. So I didn't. And things fade, you know? I know damn well they do. Had so many damn crushes and loves because I fall too easy, so I know it can fade if I let it. If I make it. So I left it alone and didn't say a thing. Wanted you to be happy, yeah? God knows you deserve it. But--y'know--here we are now. You're back. Or, you were. You...disappeared. But I reckon you'll be alright. You always are.

I feel like an idiot after all this. I've left people out, y'know? But sometimes there's no use talking about all of 'em. Would take me forever. Would be stupid, too. Hell, even saying this much is stupid.

World goes on.

October 13, 2011 - 9:41pm — ocean

October 14, 2011 - 5:15pm — Rutilus

The Endless Forest