7 September, 2017

Where have the days gone? I'm already in my second trimester, growing rounder by the day. It's hard to believe there's only one baby in there, but I'm absolutely positive that that's the case.

Walter has been sleeping a lot, lately. I miss him. When he is around, he brings me poppies. Almost every day so far. Every moment he's been able to bring them, he has. This means something to him. I mean something to him. I can feel it, he proves it to me. We've had a rocky past, but here and now, things are good. I wish I could prove to everyone that he has been working to turn himself around, but it feels like an impossible task.

I don't know if he regrets all of the things he's done, I won't speak for him about that. But I know he regrets the place those actions have brought him. I know he understands that he can't go on being the villain. He isn't built for it. He learned that a long time ago, when his system of support started to fall away. When his friends began to disappear, long before I came back and found him in his sorry state. That's about when he started to unravel, I think. Making threats, exploding in anger.
He has been suffering for a very long time. Some say it's all a demon deserves. I say perpetual punishment is cruel. It's difficult to forgive, but not impossible.

It's difficult to change, but not impossible.

But I can't change anyone's mind. It's been made very clear to me. I've begun to settle into the mindset that my endeavors have been in vain. Maybe it will always be this way, until the end of his wretched days. I hope not, but... I don't know, anymore. My idealistic view of others is beginning to dim. I see petty hatred and selfish disregard. I see blatant refusal to communicate.

It's not all bad. Kuwaka has shown at least some kind of openness toward communicating with his father, and has told me he will watch out for me. Kaoori, while one of the only beings alive I cannot blame for hating Walter, did not condemn me or my child. Atiq has been an absolute saint in his kindness toward Walter and I. Pagan, while uncomfortable with Walter's past, has proven to be a true friend toward me. And of course there's Nishi, who absolutely adores Walter. At least, for now.

Sometimes I get stuck in a loop of negativity, and I have to remind myself to stay focused on the positive things.

Last night I found Atiq, he was in a sorry state. I guess he had gotten into a scuffle with Nawfar's mother, who had tried to kill the poor child. Atiq assured me that the problem was taken care of, but I'm still on high alert. Ironic, maybe, since I'm sleeping with a child killer. Maybe all I am is a hypocrite.

I don't know, anymore. My moral compass has been shattered long ago. What makes one sinner worthy of redemption, but not another? Is it time? Personal bias? A blind devotion?

No, I'm being unkind to myself and unfair to Walter. The difference is contrition. The difference is that Walter hates himself for killing Kaoori's child. He screams in his sleep. He has spoken in whispered words of trading his life for the child's, in a heartbeat if given the chance.

I cleaned up Atiq and didn't ask many questions. I used my blanket to wrap up his wounds to the best of my ability, and gave him some herbs for the pain. He fell asleep almost immediately, and I stayed awake to watch over Nawfar and contemplate my own morality.

Am I wrong? Tell me. Someone tell me. Someone just help me.

Help me.



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