April 14, 2010 - 1:03am — Alecsander
They told me that there were no goals, no aim, nor any purpose. I choose my name, I decided to play the little game.
It was strange at first, when I discovered that they had lied to me. There was a goal to this game and I had apparently failed at it while you flourished.
They said there was no objects to collect, but I learned there were. Contacts as it were. You collected contacts, and friends, and conversations. All those things that proved your status. Those petty little things that allowed you to stand above the others and proclaim that your word was law.
And comments.
These are important too aren't they? People fight over them. They insult over them. They rip each other apart and make each other feel horrible just for those simple little lines of text that affirm that someone gives a shit what they're doing.
Probably part of the reason why I lost this game so long ago. I stopped caring what others thought and I inadvertently collected a new set of attributes.
"No Talent" "Mean spirited" "Cold" "Bitchy" "loner" "cunt" "whore" "bastard" "ugly" "unfriendly" "disobedient" "annoying" "Outsider" "attacking" "gossiper"
You attached these words to me frivolously and I wore them with shame.
So you started to attach more and I started to collect phrases.
"He does that to everyone" "You hate my deer don't you?" "It's your fault" "You make me feel bad" "you make me angry" "You make things harder on yourself" "I think he hates me..." "You take things too seriously"
Seriously? Me? I suppose so. When the criticism is drilled into your head day after day, week after week, you start to break down. You become sensitive, and weak. And then they continue to stick even more words and phrases to you and what you try to do.
"That is a stupid idea" "So and so's deer already did that" "I don't care whether he comes back or not" "what's your deer's name again?" "Oh, I don't follow anything you write" "Oh, I don't care who you are." "I don't care why your deer is not wearing a mask, but it looks too much like this other deer without it so go put it back on" "YOU ignore ME! It's your fault!"
Words, always buzzing around my head and weighing on my conscience. How am I suppose to relax for a second when there are so many made up rules and labels around this place..?
It should be no wonder I barely move in the forest. How can I when I know that it will only result in more criticism, more labels, and more 'lectures' and 'talks' about my behavior.
How does one who can name the number of people they speak to on a regular basis on one hand able to create such hell for others?
How is it I can sit on the edge of the pond for four hours without a single deer approaching me and yet this somehow still manages to ruin your enjoyment...?
Does it bother you that I choose not to walk on eggshells?
It must, as it seems to be your up most concern that I sit here alone.
You have 'talks' with me about it and I have no reply but a confused "No one has ever come to sit with me...?"
Yes. It is my fault.
You have triumphed at this little game and barely have time to turn eyes towards the friendless.
You gathered the contacts, you won those friends, that art, those comments, the praise, the attention, and now you're onto greater things.
You leave me behind like a petty little stepping stone and I silently watch as I am tread over time and time again.
Is it so bad, I wonder, to lay low to the ground and refuse to acknowledge those who walk above until they humble themselves to my level..?
And with my silent questioning comes the resounding answer in a chorus of thousands:
Yes. You are not trying hard enough. It is your fault.
Fine.
It is my fault.
Are you happy now?
I am done playing the game by your rules.
I am acknowledging the fact that I will not have these friends, I will not have those comments, I will not have admirers nor will I ever get the contacts.
And I will tell myself that I am happy.
And I will tell myself that I am fine.
And I will tell myself that I do this for me.
And you will still tell me that it is my fault.
And you will still kick me when I am down.
And you will continue to gives me those words, and those phrases, and those declarations that I have never asked for.
And you will do it all with good intentions.
And I will tell you that I do not like it any more.
And you will just smile and pin one more accusation on my breast and take that condescending little tone when you declare that I am only doing this to myself.
I cried a little reading
<3
And it's so true.
I... don't really know what
Except that basically you described this community pretty well.
I don't know what happened. It was never really like this. It never used to be about stature and popularity, but of course things change. This community grew, and I guess so did demand. Yes, we do have our popular groups here, sadly. I don't even think it's their fault that they're popular. We put each other on a pedestal, and leave others behind. It's sad, but it happens in real life, too.
I'm sorry, Alecsander. I wish right now I could play with you in the Forest.
I've tried to play with Furfur before, I think.
I'm sorry I don't have much to say about this. But I really do admire you as a person.
No one has made an enemy out of you. There are still friendly people here. =)
This made me all emotional
So correct, the truth hurts you know.