7 October, 2017

TW -- infant death.

I lost him.

I lost him.

No. It can't happen like this.

No, no, no...

The light in my womb has gone out. There is no more warmth. There is only cold silence. No heartbeat. The baby boy that had been growing there has been still for three days.

Three days.

I'm in a panic, my mind is racing. What did I do wrong? Did I eat the wrong thing? Was I not careful enough? Did I not love him enough? Have the gods punished me for allowing this child to be conceived in the first place? Please, gods, answer me! Tell me what I did wrong! Face me and tell me what I did to deserve this!

I... can't...

How will I tell Walter? How will I tell Nishi?

Oh my god. I've failed the one thing in the world I wanted most of all. I've failed you, little one. I don't know how, but I have. I had such dreams of you and I. I had hopes of seeing you in this world, showing you the beauty of it all. I had wanted to hear your voice, feel the warm press of your skin, knowing that you would be mine.

And now that will never happen.

I'm leaving for the human world. I can't deal with this here. I need doctors, I need to hear the cold truth of it out loud. I need to lay in my bed and wrap my arms around myself and cry. I need to leave this place where everything reminds me of him and of what will not be.

I should have known it would end like this. I should have known I was never destined for motherhood. I should have known.

Goodbye, little one. Before I even knew you, I loved you. I will always love you. Goodbye.



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