August 30, 2010 - 5:15am — Seed
Today I woke up and tried to meet with someone the trees were whispering to me about...it didn't work out. Maybe another time. I wandered a while until I noticed Aleit dancing with a sweet little fawn, Floresta. I greeted them and moved to join them in their little dance, the fawn's movement shaking little bits of pollen off of the poppies she wore. She made a muse enough for me for a quick poem. Then we all sat and basked in the warm sunlight for a while. Then Aleit heard, in the way that deer often do, of the death of a dear friend of his, Motzart. I never knew him, but loss is always sad. I wish I could have stayed longer and given Aleit warmer comfort.
When I work, I heard Walter dancing with 21 and many others. That hadn't happened in a long time. What, a year? more?
I don't know what to feel about him sometimes. By "him," I of course mean Walter. By "sometimes" I mean "constantly." I've almost entirely written him off before tonight. Sometimes I think there must be two parts to him: a monster and a stag. The stag isn't a perfect stag; he's easily riled and he's jealous and overprotective. He's grim and he's cranky and he's strange. But he can laugh, and dance with friends. He can be warm, and walk slowly in the rain, trusting on the guidance of his friends. The demon is nothing like that, so unlike it I almost cannot reconcile the two as being the same person. I'm not sure I fully understand it, or if he does. I've seen too much of the demon, too little of the stag. And what he's done is horrible. I cannot bear to think of the pain he's caused, and that my dear friend is behind it.
...But tonight he and 21 and Aleit and Quad and Zerg and Oisin and so many deer, many of whom haven't know the better side of him, all danced together. It was a very fun time. It seems like he, at least for the moment, wants to put the darkest of his darkness behind him. I want to believe that, anyway.
But... He's hurt people, very badly. He's broken their hearts -- and he's damaged even my trust, which is sturdier than most things; Thinking of how far I've trusted and forgiven him, I'm a little stunned at myself. But I can't forget the stag he's been, either... and.. Maybe I'm a fool. No, I know I am. I am a fool, and soft-hearted, and weak when my loved ones are involved... But I believe that there are weapons to slay monsters. And maybe forgiveness is one of them -- and second (or is it twelth?) chances. And friendship. Not because he deserves forgiveness -- in many ways, he doesn't, and I can't fault Kaoori for not granting it -- but because forgiveness, like love, purifies the soul. I know my feelings in the matter are very insignificant: they always have been, at the best of time. But if a little trust, put out precariously, can encourage him to be the person I saw tonight, the person I miss, and the one I care for, the one who does deserve forgiveness... Then doesn't the forest deserve that? Don't I? Doesn't he?
I thought about all of this (which, written down, is absolute drivel) as he and I walked, slowly, the way we used to, away from the group a little, and waited for it to follow. Eventually Zerg and Oisin did, but getting the rest to move was harder... And Walter vanished before we did, leaving Zerg and Oisin and I by ourselves.
It wasn't very long though until he was back, and finally managed to lead a group of us for a nice slow walk. I felt glad to have made my decision, teneous as it is until it grows stronger. I could enjoy the walk, the gentle shifting of the landscape before us -- the passing off cool patches of dark forest and the sudden spurts of warm sunlight. We walked down to the lake, where we all relaxed until I said goodnight.
Maybe this isn't a real change of heart, just a little nostalgic trip down memory lane. I consider that very likely... But I think I have to hold out hope. All loss is sad; the loss of the Walter that was my friend, the movement of that friendship to memory...
My, I'm melodratic tonight. I think I've said so many things so many times I can't make sense of them. But I really did have fun. I wouldn't be contemplating all of this if I didn't. It was a lot of fun to see so many people, so many of friends, really happy.
Let's keep the world this way, a little longer.
(No subject)
WOW, did Zerg ever miss Seed, and Oisin!
I'm glad to have gotten the chance for everyone to get together again.
I missed these
(No subject)
It could have almost been
But Oisín was plenty happy seeing Seed, Zerg, and Walter, being more like the stag he remembers from his fawnhood.
It was fun. <3
Ahh, diaries! A rare sight
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@Zerg: Yeah, it was great to
@Walter: Yaaaay for love! <3 you
@Paz: I know! I was so hoping Pega would get on messenger so I could ask her to pop in Scape
@Sluggs: I know! I always encourage diaries when I see them
@Arrowdoe: Well, as infrequently as these main one updates, I know...but I also have started doing little shorter ones in the "Seed's Mini-Diaries" Blog I have going, so I hope to have more Seed-diary goodness!