July 27, 2011 - 5:07am — Seed
The wheel of fate is turning, as another revolution spins its way around and around. Last year was up, and before that it was down: it's the swirling pattern of summer, the season where fate decides its course, where the wheel stops and see what's engraved on it.
She asked me if we still had a future. Today she told me that I hurt her, never seeing her enough. Today she said a lot of things, starlight tears clouding the skies of her eyes, blue and jewel-like as the pond, and just as wet. And just as likely to make me feel like an absolute toad, for giving her reason to say those things. I love her, and I'll fight for whatever it takes to make her happy -- so what did that make my defense of us? Because I had to.
I still love her, too much to go gently into farewell. I'm too selfish for that, and... And because I didn't know if she wanted my permission to go, or my permission to say. I know what she says, but what she meant?
We both ended up going off to think, in tears. I pulled myself together enough to sit by Saosin. I'll have my answer tommorow.
It's my fault. I've been away too much. I haven't done right by her...
I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Oh, fortuna, spin me to a place where no one will be hurt by me! By my sloth and my wanderlust and my selfish heart...Spin me somewhere where I'll be safe, too, and never have to imagine her saying farewell, forever, with a heart full of love.
Please. I can't stop thinking of it.
...And, of course, the moment I see Terrant coming towards me -- probably looking for an amusing evening -- I go and pull him into this. Poor Terrant. He seemed so surprised. In the end, my heart couldn't keep going, and the moment I saw the warmth of his face, the old nostalgic carefree feel of that strange and quiet birch-dweller, my heart folded like a house of cards, and I was overcome by tears. He let me sit next to him and cry into his fur, until Scape showed up. The three of us sat in the shallows of the pond, letting water return to water.
I'm glad that they still care. I was worried -- I was rightly worried -- that I've become too distant for anyone to care about anymore.
In my dreams, drowsing in the lakewater, my thoughts spin around like fortune's wheel, circling over and over. I can't decide if they're mocking me or offering me condolences -- not my friends, but my dreams. Reminding me that I'm a burden to my friends? Reminding me that, whatever happens, I have the dearest people in the world by my side and in my heart?
...And, like my dreams, my waking thoughts circle around.
What is it to have a future? I think of her and I think of all the time and all the joy left to share. I think about...About all sorts of things. I think that I could start a family again, with her. And, even if that's not something she wants -- even if it's not something we're ready for...The specifics don't matter, except to show me I can imagine it. It's not a future I want without her in it.
Is that 'having a future'? There's only one future. I can't say what it is. Only what I'll fight for.
Fortune isn't a wheel: sitting there, I believe it must be a rope. And at the top is a future.
I feel like the fibers are ripping in my teeth, because I'm -- I'm not good enough to hold them.
...
I wore flowers this morning, but I think they fell away after she left. I barely notice, until I glance over my sleeping friends into the water.
Sometimes, the flowers take a second blooming in summer. And sometimes, they're struck by drought and heat to wither.
I don't think there really is such a thing as fortune. Spin, Nevilly, spin your heart, and tell me where it lands.
I'm sorry. I'm sorry for rambling. Forgive me, gentle reader.
And thank you, friends.
Bawwaww.
This brought those tears back to my eyes. You're writings always amaze me, time after time. <3
you have talent. poor seed..
poor seed..
Lovely writing, very
Thanks, you guys. For those
For those concerned, I think Seed and Nev have sort of worked it out, but they'll probably both be a little sore-hearted for a while.