March 1, 2009 - 9:02pm — Seed
I don't like writing these entries when something dramatic has been going on, for a number of reasons. But I think today I must, to try and explain my own actions and my inactions.
Go ahead, ask me my part in all of this. Ask me my part in this or any other story, and I will tell you the same answer: I am the fool, the first card of the tarot, well-intentioned but innefective, aware of the cliff only after he steps off of it -- but, on the way down, coming close to understanding the cliff. I am the poet, who makes nothing happen. I am Romeo as Mercutio is stabbed beneath his arm. That is my part in all of this, if I can even grant it that much drama, or that much purpose, if I am willing to grant my intentions some nobility (which I am only partially willing to do).
I woke up to a light but driving fog, the sky and all its clouds brought down to our level. In the distance, I could hear someone casting a spell, and the sound being warped by the mist, turning into a strange, whistling shriek. I should have taken that as an omen: I should have stayed under the bridge. I did not, and had a rather peaceful morning, which is not the point of this entry.
It began with Walter and I being setless. I had awoken to find Lemon, and Walter found us. We started trying to get ourselves fully clad and -- really -- it was a good time. Until, somewhen, Lemon wandered off: she says Walter shoo'ed her, and perhaps he did, and perhaps he did not. I didn't see it, either way, so it seemed that she just...wandered off. She started roaring in the distance, but, well, we still weren't done: Walter needed his antlers. And he was getting impatient. He was getting upset.
and here is where it really started, and I lay myself to blame for this part. I did perhaps the most foolish thing I could do. It's what I always try to do, with varying levels of success. Since she and her companion weren't coming to us, we would come to them, and then...and then we could all hang out and be happy. They could not be too far from a pine tree, I thought. I should have thought better: and maybe things would be different. Still, there I went.
I think, at that point, even I was a little irritated with Lemon, watching Walter tick on his fuse while she skipped with Raunun. Still, Walter went too far: the moment he was dressed, he flew at her in a hurt and lusty rage. And I saw my time spread out before me, already playing my part. I stood between them when Walter tried to fight her or Raunun, chased to try and get ahead of him, followed him when he went off, because he was alone, and that seemed wrong to me, comforted whomever, said no to whomever, apologized to whomever -- almost as often, I was trying to comfort Walter as I was someone else.
No, no, please, no. No, no That was my chorus. To Pride, to Lemon, to Raunun, to Walter, No, No, No. I did everything I could think of, everything my concience would allow: I really did.
I tried to do what seemed right to me. I tried to give love to whomever I thought needed it most, even if they neither wanted it nor deserved it: is it any wonder then that I saw Walter as perhaps none other today did, drinking -- dare I say dejectedly -- at the pond, his rage simmering until a roar or a movement of mind brought it back to boil; Sitting peacefully next to a still-sleeping Peppa; Hiding himself, naked, in the oak? I know so many today saw the demon: But, some of that time, melodramatic as it sounds, I could see the heartbroken old man, his aching turned to lust, and then to rage. Lonely as I am, how could I not forgive it?
I admit this openly: I think I made it worse. I tried when I could, but I know my role: I am useless in matters of the heart, in matters of war and rage. I have on my side(though not, I would add, my front) the denting and the scratching of my scales, the exposing of soft flesh underneath, to prove this. I would have done best to leave, I think. But I am too soft to do kindness, to be useful, I think. And so I only play my part, and wonder as the dust settles.
((...Grr. I hate how this sounds, but, well...I need to write more diary entries...and all of Seed's reasons are true for him, so there it is, even if I think it lost a lot of power in-between then and now. I'm going to see if I can't cheer him up.))
Poor Seed. :c Lemon surely
"Seed, dearest Seed. Since my childhood, I've become a selfish and silly girl. It seems that I simply can't escape hurting the ones I try to love. As I said, Walter made it quite clear that he didn't want me near him. So I nodded, backed off, and waited for Walter to show some sign of a lifted mood. When I saw you two being affectionate toward each other while I waited, dejected, in the shadows -- I must admit, I felt rejected and a little jealous. So I left, to find company which would want me. And I fear that this simple action caused quite a big mess, didn't it?
Raunun is very dear to me. I hope you didn't feel neglected when you saw us playing. I tried to tell you -- and Walter -- that you were both more than welcomed to join us; but Walter had other ideas. It made me angry; I'd just wanted to have a good time with you and Raunun. I'd just wanted to have a good day. Who was Walter to come and stir up trouble, like that? And I wasn't about to stand there and watch yet another of my dear friends get slaughtered for the sake of an old man's bipolar emotions. So I did fight back, until I became disheartened to the point that I simply wanted to be alone. And of course, Walter persued.
I'm not trying to make excuses for myself. I truly hate fighting, I hate drama, I wish everyone would simply get along. Yet... I'm sick of being pushed around and hurt by Walter. I'm tired of comforting my wounded friends, tried of having my heart leap every time I hear a footstep, when I'm with my daughter. It must be easy for you, with your eyesight, your impressive set of antlers, your thick skin. But for me, it's terrifying. And I tried to give dear Walter a chance; I truly thought I could help him. But nothing I do seems to do anything other than infuriate him further. So I give up. My only ambition now, is to protect those dear to me.
Although I will keep myself as far away from Walter as I can; I am still, always, your loyal and faithful friend. I will always consider you to be my older brother, dear Seed -- even in the face of such disheartening events. You're my family, Seed; and I love you, my brother. I share in your sadness, looking at the recent events. And I truly hope you forgive me, for acting the way I did. But looking back, I'm not sure I would have changed much. Perhaps I would have stayed near you and Walter a little longer, in the hopes that his mood would have stayed relatively stable. But... I'm just so tired, Seed. I hope you can understand. I have a fawn to look after. I'm disabled, small, and weak. I can't do this, anymore, with Walter. I just can't."
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Story Index - Lemon's Biography
"My good friend, I truely
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I'm a bit weird, but so is everyone else in the world, thus weird is normal and normal is weird. This in mind, I'm actually a little normal, and anyone who is completely normal might really be a serial killer. <- My logic. True self quote.
I don't blame you, Lemon. I
And It's just as well you weren't there then, Zerg: it would have just been another tangle there.
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Nelle Rovine
Um.. Just for the record..
I would really like to speak on his behalf, but I'm not quite sure what to say that would make things less.. Tense? x_x; His intentions always seem to make him appear like some cruel, twisted freak. He'll say and do things that hurt people and originally, that was how he was. Lately though, he's just more clingy. He only dismissed Lemon because he's a little obsessive over how people crowd sleeping deer for pelts. He would have loved her company regardless. And when he and Seed were left alone, Lemon's constant calling actually made him worry. He thought she was in trouble.
So when he found her and Raunun just dancing around, he was relieved, but irritated. The old man, in his proud, self-centered views, thought that Lemon would have helped him get his antlers, but she just wanted to play with Raunun. It was out of selfish impulse that he got hostile. In all truth, he wanted to be the one playing with Lemon, so he tried to 'move her away'. As you witnessed, this led to a mile-long run across the map a few times.
Eventually it came to the point where you all figured out Walter didn't like the Devout pelt, especially Pride. So Walter backed down, knowing that his want for affection was being dismissed, and he wandered away to the scent of Peppa. He -sat- with her whilst she was asleep, but once again he was interrupted. He had to get up and eventually leave after Pride once again tried to harass him.
Seed was very understanding of Walter's behaviour. It's hard for the old guy to have grown up this whole time, watching friends and relatives all pair up and be happy whilst he remains alone. He did pair with Lieka, but this barely lasted long, in which time they probably only ever saw each other twice. So it's mainly out of jealousy and selfishness that Walter acts how he does. He knows he can't ever be with Ephra, so his anger from such is directed at those around him. He never really considers how bad things will turn out from it.
As a side note, for some
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Nelle Rovine
Poor Walter. ;_____; I
I thought he was only blind while he was wearing the Secretary mask? I thought I read that somewhere, but maybe not...
Anyway, I feel really bad for poor old Walter. I mean, I already did -- but after today, I'm starting to see what Lemon saw in him; a cry for help. Lemon and I just aren't used to his peculiar ways, quite yet. But hopefully Walty can forgive us over time, and Lemon will pick up where she left off, trying to get close to him. <3
She's still going to be very careful around him when Peppa is in the forest, and will probably do her best to avoid him during those times. But hopefully, the next time Lemon and Walter meet, they can put all this crap behind them.
And I really didn't think going to find Raunun would cause so much drama. @___@ I as a player want to apologize for that. I heard Seed and Walter calling, after she left; but I assumed they were calling at each other, honestly! I didn't think her presence would even be missed... She's always felt really nervous around both Seed and Walter, and quite honestly, there are two reasons for this. First and foremost, I am nervous around you two -- as I am around MANY other players in the community -- because I look up to you two, and consider you to be 'above' me, as players. If that even makes sense. x_____x I know it's a terrible attitude to have, but I can't really help it -- you both have superior literary skills, more friends in the community, more interesting characters, etc. So when I'm around deer like yours, I get kind of down on myself, and I start assuming that no one really cares whether I stay or go. That's why I just sort of wander off, sometimes -- it's me as a player having low self esteem.
And of course, the other reason Lemon feels nervous around Seed and Walter, is that she feels like she's intruding. Lemon's still very new to the forest; and while Seed was her first friend, she understands that Seed was friends with Walter LONG before she was even born. I suppose that goes out-of-character, too; seeing so many tightly-knit friendships makes me feel like I'm intruding on everyone's space. I know I shouldn't feel that way, and no one intends to make anyone else feel rejected. I've said it many times, and I still stand by the fact that this community is the most giving and affectionate community I've ever been a part of. But sometimes I just feel... kind of alone. ;c I guess that's why I got the idea to let you two be alone for a while. I had already felt like I was intruding, as it was. It's truly nothing against you guys; I understand that it's my own self-esteem issue, and that it's something I need (and have been trying) to work through. <3
I've already gotten through the worst part of it; remember when I used to run away from everyone? There were probably one or two whole deer who could get anywhere near Lemon, when she was a fawn. Looking back, I have come a long way. But I evidently still have a way to go. ._____.
If you don't mind my asking, Verdalas; why can't Walter be with 21?
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Story Index - Lemon's Biography
Humm.. if this awful
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I don't think Lieka is
If I am correct, Lemon, then Walter can't be mates with 21 because Ephra doesn't like the probelms (such as these) which are caused by the concept. As such, they're simply good friends (Or at least I hope they still are x_X).
"I am nervous around you two -- as I am around MANY other players in the community -- because I look up to you two, and consider you to be 'above' me, as players."
This is something I try to avoid. Sure, people know Walter, but it doesn't mean he's any better. In fact, he's worse. I should be ashamed for making a character that wants to break the harmony of this place and in total screw people over by making silly drama. In fact, I am quite ashamed. But I really enjoy being able to vent out bad emotions on a game. My feelings IRL are never the basis behind bad feelings in the game, because I never, ever mean anything personally. Slightly off-topic, but I do try to get to know new players because I want them to feel just as important as I do to others. I'm sorry if that comes across as strong for someone who's nervous around others, but it's only out of good intention.
Just believe me, you're never intruding. In fact, you're one of the few players I look forwards to seeing on the map when I log on. ^_^ There's been a lot of members come and go and I want to be able to spend time with my friends as much as possible before myself or they vanish forever.
I would agree with Verdy on
As for the community thing...I disagree. While on principle I don't think there's such a thing as being "above" or "below" any other players... I would hazard a guess that you, LT, are probably more known and liked by a larger group of people than I am; at least to my knowledge. On the other hand, I generally prefer a small group of close friends, so I don't make it a point of cultivating many supplimentary relationships.
((The #1 most common cause of Seed's unhappiness is probably Seed.))
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Nelle Rovine
Verdalas -- I know exactly
And don't worry, I don't take anything personal, in the endless forest. I mentioned before that I've spent over 7 years roleplaying, and I know very well that characters can be mortal enemies in-character, even if their players are the best of friends! <3 I just worry that not everyone understands this, and take things to personally. That's why I get rather flustered over things like this; I really don't want to hurt anyone's feelings with the way my silly doe acts. .____.
And I think I know exactly what you mean about new players, too. But I have a harder time getting to know players out of the game -- that's why Lemon is obsessed with fawns, and nameless. <3 I want everyone to have a positive experience, with this game. I want everyone to have a positive experience with life in general, but I can't really do much about that. The funny thing is, it seems like every time I try to help someone, either in or out of the game, I just end up making a mess. I don't know what it is; just underdeveloped social skills, probably. x_____x
Ugh, I have done WAY too much rambling in this thread. Sorry. xD
BACK ON TOPIC! I'm really actually elated that you look forward to seeing me in the forest! xD I can't even say how grateful I am to hear that. Of course, I'm always happy to have whatever company that is available at the moment -- but I do love seeing Walter in the forest, too. He's such a dynamic character; while Lemon might find his moodswings annoying, I find his depth of character quite amazing. He's not just an evil dude because it makes him badass, he's actually... got a reason to act the way he does. And there's a whole separate side to him, which makes him even more dynamic and interesting, too. A... vulnerability, I think is the right word.
And finally... I think that's a wonderful ideal to live by, honestly. I need to be reminded that time is short, every once in a while. :') You never know what will happen, at any moment... especially over the internet, where it's so common for people to simply disappear...
<3
Seed -- Oh, I know what you mean. I especially had this problem with the Phantom. I love hanging out with the Phantom, and I'm so glad that Lemon was able to befriend him. But I hurt quite a few people's feelings by choosing his company over their deer's. :c It didn't make me feel good, at all. I'm sorry if Lemon has ever caused you to feel that way, though I do try to make a conscious effort to have her interact with whoever happens to stumble across my deer, first; and that includes whoever Seed happens to be hanging out with, as well. c:
On some level, I do know that there are no "higher" or "lower" players -- especially since I truthfully don't know of any players who I'd consider 'below' me, and I'm not quite low enough yet to believe that I would be at the absolute 'bottom' of the community, should such a thing even exist. xD
But, do you really think that, about me being liked by a large group of people? Wow, that actually surprised me. Not, of course, that it matters. Partially because I have such a hard time believing such a thing, and mostly because my ambition simply isn't to be 'popular'. It suits my anxious lifestyle, to be a lonely girl. xD But I do try to befriend everyone I meet, simply because I like feeling that I make people happy, somehow. I think friendship is one of the easiest and most powerful ways you can make someone's life better. And like Lemon, I do want to see people happy. Even if I (again, like Lemon) make silly mistakes, sometimes. <3
But I've gone off on a tangent again, haven't I? I do that a lot. I should probably stop now, before I have to start separating my post into chapters...
The bottom line is; and this is way off topic from the original post, I know; I want to thank the both of you for being such great friends. <3 Not only are Seed and Walter (yes, even Walter) wonderful friends to Lemon, but you two are great friends out-of-character, as well. So, erm, thank you. :')
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Story Index - Lemon's Biography
awww....group hug *hug
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Nelle Rovine
darnit,
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Nelle Rovine
It feels good to vent,