February 24, 2013 - 4:49pm — Seed
I'm such a fool. Such a fool. A fool. A fool.
Let me start at the start. The start? Where would that be, you ignorant sap? Where do you put the start, huh?
I love her. That is the start; like any good start, that decides the end. The end is that she's gone, like Payton before her...And I'll likely never see her again, not in flesh and not in truth. I knew this would happen. This is why I never wanted to be in love with her; this is why I never said anything.
Fool that I am, it changed nothing.
And so the end is I sat among the flowers, weeping like a child. I buried my head among the flowers, and I wished I was never born a deer. I wish I had never seen deer running, because then...Then she'd have gone through her life happily, never having known that I existed. I'd have never known of her. All my feelings would have had another end.
Take me back, blossoms. Take me back. Let me abandon all this petty social existence to the tracking of seasons with my sap, the endless waiting for spring -- but a spring that comes! A spring that will always return (I could have waited forever, if I had the hope, of a certainty one day)... Let me abandon heatache for the softly-scented world and the certainty of shuffling with the wind in my leaves. Please. Please. Let me rot and devour me.
Leaves and flowers fall off my antlers in droves, flash-freezing in a private winter.
Deer wandered by; I wanted them to leave, and tried not to engage them much. They indulged me, and left...Still, I felt it was too crowded. Too public, too intrusive. I went to de drinkplaats, where very few deer go, for one reason or another, and hid myself in the fountain.
Reed came to see me. I...I didn't want him to see. He must have snuck up on my while my head was down. I didn't want anyone to know. Be a squirrel, make him think it's OK... Plunge my face in the water, taste the magic running onto my tongues, pretend that the wet spots on my cheeks is simply water... That way...
That way I don't have to be any trouble...
But he stayed anyway, took me aside and tried to comfort me a little. Whether I wanted it or not, I cried into the dark blue fur at his neck.
When it looked like other people, fawns and a sleeping deer, would show up there...I fled. I...I can't handle being polite right now. I let him follow me; I didn't know how to ask him to stop.
We settled into the birch trees. I didn't say anything...But I couldn't cry either. I just thought; of all the poems I'll never show her...Of all the words I never got to write, or to say, to see her reaction. All the dances that will never be performed, that language of dance unwritten...The tea we'll never drink again on a cold morning, my heart keeping me warmer than the tea...
I'll never know what it was she was looking for when I searched her mind. I'll never again have the chance to pray that it might be me... And I'll never hear her describe a day again, how beautiful and warm her days are... That must have been, the moment when my heart was on its course. Yes, when she described a day and her words were honeyed sunshine, soft poetry without realizing it... In that moment, my heart raced, and I was set on this course.
If I had caught on sooner? If I...
I know.
For all my skill with words, I couldn't manage to say the simplest ones, the ones I considered and weighed inside. I never let that lonely bird take flight, and now it's come that it'll never fly.
I'm sorry.
I'm not sure who I'm sorry for, but I know... I did wrong. I did it wrong -- even knowing that it would end like this... Even knowing that I'd be crying now, all the same...
I'm sorry.
Sage...
I never got to say I love you.
I'm such a fool.
Aww, poor Seed! :'c This was
This was hauntingly beautiful.
Profile picture by ahimsa ♥
Pixel Wis by squeegie~