Toya's blog

Toya's picture

Being Human. (the maze)

Hurts.

It hurts. And it's complicated.

Often it hurts because it feels good,
But then we have regrets, needs, fears, wants...
And so we destroy these things.

Maybe thats good.

If thats so, I don't like it.

I get it, but I don't like it.

There is no good solution once we begin to behave like humans. Its a maze that we enter, before we even have the wherewithal to recognize where we are headed. We spend our first years behaving naturally, naturally exploring, forgetting, learning, we don't even know we are in the maze. We eventually realize what we are, and we panic, but we cannot ever leave. You could try to solve it, but the answer is not an exit, there is no exit.

What is the solution?

Climb over a wall or two? You are still in the maze, and now you have lost what obscure point of reference you may have even had.

Break down walls? You are still in the maze. And its looking ugly.

You can imagine you aren't in the maze, but then you waste away in one place.

I think I need to just make my home in the maze.

(when I was little)

I think I need to just make my home in the maze.

(I didn't know)

I think I need to just make my home in the maze.

(The more I learn, the less I understand.)

The maze has no exit because its an endless place, there is a lot more to see. There is lighting high in the clouds beyond the next mountain over. It is very lovely.

-Emily











Toya's picture

Tell me: Have you a true/alternate form? -=RP poll=-

Having come across so many deer with "true forms" or forms other than the in game deer appearance in blogs-bios-etc, I decided to swing my new fawns character design in a peculiar direction as his experiences have happened to lead us.

Point: Hototo perceives true forms within the forest. Example: Illrose=dragon.

(You may read up on why if you would like, be sure to check both Thoughts and most informative: In-Forest Updates.)

I am truly curious and would like to see if we can't pull this off, since Hototo is an almost exclusive in-game RP deer with no verbalization. He wont tell your secret to anyone, but he will interact with each of you in a unique way in-forest.

What that means is in order to be included in the role I would like him to play, I need you to include us first by letting me know if your deer has a true form and perhaps even providing a link to your bio and most importantly, a PICTO. I want to learn about you. I need to be able to recognize you.

Granted, this might just mean he runs away at first. But as he grows, he will become accustomed to these strange apparitions that so many of you have created, and even learn to respect-fear-love many creatures for what they truly are.

True forms aren't as deep as it goes. I know there are deer that are monsters that the forest is changing into something new as well. But for now, lets just pull back the first veil, if you are willing...

Allow us to see.

Be well.

-Emily, Toya, Hototo.


Toya's picture

The parents will GETCHA:Toya update

Toya would have spoken if she could.

But she has no voice to explain herself.

Toya also might not have gotten such a chip on her shoulder about that momma deer if they hadn't taunted her when she first backed away graciously.

But also understands how parenthood can make a deer stressed about anything.

Toya also has a new set of antlers, and wonders if perhaps she is a he now. Maybe that was the problem. Toya's true gender is largely dependent on others interpretation.

Letting off some steam with a light spar was nice, but re-approaching momma deer to apologize and try to make amends went very poorly.

Toya knows there was fault even pushing them again... But when he cowered and even let momma deer herd him, that little brat copped an attitude and started cheering on Momma to fight Toya off! Which of course, was obliged. Toya didn't bother to defend, and took a wound to the rump today.

If the little one was frightened the first time, it sure was rearing to see more.

Lesson learned. (OOC: of course no hard feelings)

Being a buck is hard.

BLEARG.








Toya's picture

No PC... No TEF.(for now)

Had been borrowing my beau's PC to play in the forest.

Beau gone away for a while.

No PC... No Forest.

I still have my mac.

And will probably have to obsessively interact here... Like learning CSS. And lurking on all of your blogs.

So now would be a good time to track me and be my new friend. Eye

Here is something happening in my life:300

I want to color it next. I am afraid to ruin it. I think I may have it very nicely printed on a bigger piece of paper so I can finish the wings and then color. It is called a Baeltzucoatl. I made them up.

Heres one I drew from some time ago. Yes, I changed the design... New one is pretty buff. And has antlers. <^.^>
300

Also, because we all freak out sometimes.

-Emily



Toya's picture

Test:Simple CSS:please ignore

HAH! Colors.
Toya's picture

Bio layout help please?

My bios are turning into a mash, fast. I want to add more, but it will just be a long string of text. No fun to read or scroll through quickly to find what you are looking for.

I can do it if I can be directed towards a few simple coding tips that are easy to understand and work well. Please speak in laymans terms with me, this is a new thing I will be attempting.

I want simple, clean, and organized.

What I need to organize:
-intro
-place for pictures
-Relationships
-Updates

I know you all have the knowledge I am looking for. Any ideas?



Toya's picture

Toya's human face is art stress!

BLEAAARG. Artface is overwhelmed. Heart is pounding.

*has more art anxiety* This creature I have given birth to is growing quickly, and its getting a mind of its own.

Yes, things are good. It is also scary. I have a lot to do. Always.

Unveiling of Cathay WiIlliams Portrait at Ft. Campbell on 14th of April, which has been almost two months in the making, and far more complex a process than I ever imagined. And more than I even signed up for... signing and embellishing prints right now.

Submitted 4 T-shirt designs at Gallery M.I.A in Asheville. Go check it out.

Another huge but beautiful commission that I am behind on due in 5 days... ACKACKACK.

Hopeful art show in May.

Still need yet more commissions, need to produce more prints.

Want more time for my own art again. rawrawrawrawr!



... I can be calm.

-Emily


Toya's picture

-=Hototo=- The poet



HOME    RECENT    MAP



Statistics

Physical: 85% Accosted by Pandora, not sure why, curiosity kept him about just long enough to suffer the consequences. / Mental: 100% Sharp as a tack / Emotional: 90% A bit upset regarding the aforementioned conflict.


"He had grown up in greens and browns, burnt sienna on a backdrop of summer.

He had learned the secrets... The trails of deer and rabbit, wound tightly through heavy branches and roots.

Here, where the trees are not growing, but growing old.

Sometimes, he goes out after dark to shimmer with night lights.

Coyotes circle and disappear, laughing their hullos.

He is lulled by the whip-poor-will and wakes to the blackbirds, or the jay tapping, always knocking on the river-stones.

The fog makes islands out of trees.

Outside the fog, there is nothing."



  • In-Forest Updates

    Hototo is a poet, and his voice it two toned and melodic. He is slow to speak, which he will do so in riddle or prose. Aside from when Hototo quotes another great poet, to whom he will always give credit, the prose is original and orchestrated of course by the human behind the deer. Sometimes his words may reflect what is going on in my world. Glean what you will.

    March 5, 2014:


    ::On spellcasting::
    You, slumbering stranger,
    you speak to me with silence;
    a mute canvas.

    And so I will paint you in glory
    unspoken. A swan
    befits your mystery.

    He who is unknown, is known to us.
    Reveal your elegance and be reborn.



    March 4, 2014:


    There is a silence that speaks to a knowing
    of things past and things yet
    unraveled.
    Untraveled paths; root riddled.

    Bloodroot for my body.
    Spiderwort for my spirit.
    Mugwort for my dreams.

    Junebeetle speaks the way is treacherous.
    Sowbug quips the way is through.
    Firefly says nothing.
    Now I know what I must do.




    A forgotten Time:

    *Hibernating* :::Two Dreams:::

    Of Falling into sleep:

    Inhale... The light has scattered, leaving a space to dream.
    Perhaps this final shadow is meant to explain why
    and then I understood.

    I thought "blurr" as if the one word would do it
    silouhetting the day with scent, smudging time in mind
    just enough to slip.

    I thought "I am a ghost"
    That's why yesterday was shoved into tomorrow and forgot where it was going
    and why, when it comes I am going to disappear, maybe.

    And why I wake up at night
    to find out who's been tapping at the riverstones
    who's been there... and never is.

    I walk in sleep
    and dreams they finally stop drumming,
    instead they break through.

    I tell myself "we are not lost" in the middle of reality
    to remind myself of how I know the secret
    -behind- the sun.

    And someone's watching.
    I hear my name in the voices of strangers
    I hear my name in the voices of friends, and I crumple.

    When light returns and suffocates the sleep
    will I be alive?
    Or will I find it's only begun?

    Will I sing to you of rain
    as if yesterday had dropped out of somewhere and cracked the sky?
    That's how it all started.

    The stars explode my beating heart
    and the one that fell was my last ride home.
    "so smile now" (Is this my own thought?)

    -==========================-

    Of surfacing, of a struggle to wake:

    And this is the breaks
    Where the atmosphere unfolds and is rendered paper thin.

    Rising, I make love to the sun
    with my blind and piercing stare.

    I watch the horizon because
    once I heard that home is right there... Only one step past the line ( no no no) cut
    to part us from here and far away.

    from here and far away.
    far away, far away, even farther.

    Here is far away.
    far away, far away, far away, even farther.

    Parting Far away and far away and far away and far away and far away... even farther.

    ... To make distance palpable and nearness intangible.

    I have a sleeping sickness
    and I have a crush on the end of the world.

    Because that is the catch where my breath escapes
    stealing me to edges

    and far away

    even farther.

    (Why can I not wake up?)


    A forgotten Time:

    : Stranger - :::A Waking Dream:::

    The sky is filled with birds. The whole forest has taken flight.

    Why do they make no sound? It is because they are falling.

    Someone has set the sky on fire; blue blazed over in a romance only angels dare...

    And the Ruin bells toll out the warning. "Here is now and now is cascading."

    I realize now I am not alone. Behind me is a thin line, a cut in peripheral vision.

    Is it far away? Or a hairs breadth behind me? I do not look. I am afraid it may see me.

    I cannot focus. Like a star, hung from high places, constellation blinded.

    All I see is shadow, Illuminating nothing. Or is it a light sucking in on
    itself?

    I lay out amongst the crushed leaves. Leaves make patterns.

    I breath, I hold my breath. This is what it feels like to be
    K A L I D O S C O P E D.

    I am the color blue. (not me not me not me)

    I fill my lungs with places I once had forgotten and remember once...

    I was a fawn and once I could vanish.

    Just once.



    A forgotten time:

    Mockingbird

    You have turned into a lovely bird
    and carried me away.
    Carry you away...

    I am a carnation dream and I have seen those eyes before...

    And now I know I love her
    My love, she has those eyes.

    Amaranthine eyes.
    Blue sky
    storming eyes.

    And I want to run away
    hooves pounding
    heart beating

    eyelashes reflecting sunlight over wild eyes.


    A forgotten time:

    Rain :::A Waking Dream:::

    This is a secret...
    I want to shelter lovers... and enemies.

    I want to entertain the chance to make mistakes.

    I am still watching over you. I am still here,
    breathing quietly beside you in the night.

    Though, you may not see me.

    You may not see me because it is dark.
    It is dark because I swallowed the sun.

    If I were to sing, perhaps it would slip out.

    I hold the dawn in my mouth, under my tongue.
    I suck on it like a drop of fruit...

    and it tastes like rain. Always like rain.


    >A forgotten time:

    Learning to Play, Learning to Fight.

    I am Saffron!
    I am laced in gold!
    Catch me in the sky!
    I am running!
    Star spun kicking!

    And the strong stag trumpets and kicks the dirt and the smell of musk and black earth sulfuric electricity static in my mind. The smell of damp weeds in his maw, and sage soft sickly sweet drawing burnt lines in my eyes, leaving ash in my heart.

    Here is now and I can see the sunrise RED on my horizon and I slip into a state of awe and become like how (I REMEMBER MY FATHER).

    I miss him. My strength is bright and stubborn. (sulferhearts) I have it in my blood, buzzing beautiful born into it like him... I am him.

    I am saffron like blood, like crimson laced in gold.

    A forgotten time:

    *Sleepwalker* :::A Waking Dream:::

    ..."Every night and every morn
    Some to misery are born,
    Every morn and every night
    Some are born to sweet delight.

    Some are born to sweet delight,
    Some are born to endless night.

    We are led to believe a lie
    When we see not thro' the eye,
    Which was born in a night to perish in a night,
    When the soul slept in beams of light..."

    -William Blake




    A forgotten time:

    *hibernating* :::A Dream:::
    -=It is so quiet here=-
    Softly, I hear my breath.
    I am whistling beneath the chill of winter
    only a hairs breadth away,
    yet, in this moment I am spared;
    hemmed in against my heart,
    and I cover myself
    *
    *
    *
    In stars.







Toya's picture

The Buggy Forest

Have only been seeing a lot of deers Pictos, Floating Masks, or absolutely nothing but I know they are there lately.

I see other deer interact with ghosts.

I wish I could see all y'all.

Is it because of old game versions versus the new one? (I have new)

Are all of you wearing things I can't see? All of you?Question

-Emiyl
Toya's picture

Dear Red deer sleeping under the willow tree...

Toya woke to find a strikingly similar deer (doe?) resting under the willowy tree perch.

How fascinating!

Down the tree to play and rest in the sun. Rest our big beluga foreheads against eachother. Nose ears, groom and sleep.

Toya keeps watch. Curious and pleased to have found a new and beautiful friend.

Thank you for your company.

ooo and she can sit in trees too!Exclaim!! ;D ;D ;D



Syndicate content