Dear deer diary,
sorry for neglecting to write entries during the last couple days. I was busy communicating with a friend of the endless forest & with creating snippets of various kinds. So, what's happening... I figured, that I am not so much into communicating with others on the web anymore (in the past I have been muuch more into it), even if I do so (and havin fun doing so + triggering random outbursts of creativity), I have the feeling that it is a distraction to me. Strange isn't it. I became a loner once again, a happy but very reclusive one. I view myself more in the spirit and tradition of hermits. And I tell you why, because in that mode of being it is much easier for me to tap into the deeper layers of myself, and exploring alternatives outlooks of myself and the world('s) inside, around & inbetween. That modus operandi is like a laboratory (of mind), and some of the most amazing, puzzling, and mystic happenings and impressions came out of it for me. Those being so strong, that they had (& still have) a lasting, personal life transforming impact upon my life. And I also did put the strings together, the interest I always had for that more curious folk, and researching, finding that it is a very concrete way of life with its own resultant realisations & that I was already doing it, emulating it in my own life, some conscious (actively seeking an outsider perspective/position) and some more half-conscious (through being attracted/drawn towards all sorts of magickal practices/traditions, coming and going, throughout history). Like in a scientific laboratory environment, that laboratory of mind does also need its specific layouts, whatever it may be, at a given time, that one wishes to accomplish. But one needs to be able to do different set ups, have tools, also to clean up everything at some point in time, when a experimentation project is done. I looked into the past, and it has been done literally everywhere over the planet. Bearing varying names and symbols/languages, but the underlying processes being of the same sorts over and over again. And it is not forgotten (whatever shrilling, contemporary media sirens might want you to make believe otherwise, it just always shifts/alters its appearances slightly), plus you find a good deal of those processes in art/artists too (although they might not always be fully aware of what/how they are doing it). I find comfort in those old ways. Some of my heroes in art and beyond totally emblematize that loner modus of searching & working also, as I am totally in love with H.P Lovecraft and Austin Osman Spare, since teenage days, for example. I only wished, I could have such an output like theirs. Lovecraft was such a loner, to the extreme, but he communicated through correspondences in letter form in an equally extreme manner. Austin Osman Spare went his own ways, he was once the darling youngster upcoming bright star, only to break out of that by becoming more and more an (social) outsider artist. They both slowly gained fame only after they had died, both being almost forgotten/not recognized in their days. From what I could grasp through biographies and what have you, I came to love their characters so much, even when they might be seen as tragic and odd in some ways (I might add that, that greatly depends on perspective). I really question, if Lovecraft could have done such intense (otherkinish) stories, if it would not have been for his personal lifestyle and mannerism. I personally found through experience, that reclusiveness does indeed enhance vision a great deal, and that solitariness doesn't need to mean necessarily, that something is wrong with you (which seems to be a common opinion of misunderstanding, like we are made to flock to the herd etc pp.). Aannyyyhooow, my dear deer diary, I have the habit to sometimes disappear, but don't u worry, I will be back at some point (and those who know me a little better do know that fact). Oh, also (some more thoughts on the topic of reclusiveness), if you think about the life of many saints (of various faiths), and what they contributed to the herd, you will find many, many biographies where they went to the mountains, or desert, or long odysseys (or just locked themselves up somewhere) - but when they came back they had to share something, something that seemed to have been of some value (& help sometimes) to others (who didn't or couldn't go). In my opinion, it is that same kind of process at work. To steal the fire from heaven, you go to pay hel(l) a visit [hell read as hel, read as a place of reclusion, as a symbol for the unconscious, etc.]. Awww yeeshh, this topic is so fascinating to me, but unfortunately I am not an artist, that could then write long stories about it, or paint it out... I am just an explorer, a traveler, I can send postcards, or telegrams, but that is it, I am afraid (or writing silly little diaries on the web *giggles*).
Now, next topic, I made this for you, my dear deer diary, (and) for the endless forest, I call it: -coffee-time in the endless forest- http://img52.imageshack.us/img52/8805/coffeetimetef.jpg
'simple cut and past icon mash up visualizing aid' technique, doesn't take much time to create, but does work so well for me personally -to remember, and concentrate on (favorite) themes, and to potentially inspire further. And now I will just do that, so long my dear deer diary, *sllluurrrppp sllluurrpp* aaaaahhhhh

Dear deer diary,
writing without thinking seems the best, cause when I try to have preconceived ideas about what to write, I wait and wait and wait... and nothing happens. Well, I guess my mind isn't that interesting, all the time, after all. There are ups and downs, sometimes there is no inspiration knocking at the fontanelle, wanting to get out into the world. I never, never, never ever kept a diary, it is just to tiresome... to have to write something down, I don't like that. The other day I met a witch, at least she had that kind of effect upon me, which I only realized afterwards... good things happening, some change, some blocks temporary down... seemed like a long time, that them.. blocks being down. Anyhow, she said...write every day (or whatever other "creative" thing you might do), that kind of advice, it's a very common advice I guess, and the magic that happened wasn't in that, but... ok, I did that for a while, I wrote down designs every day, I wrote in here, other places, bits of stuff here and there, nothing more like little scribbles, and I do not view them as really seriously counting towards a EVERY DAY mode, but...eermm.. it is about this every day stuff, that makes me maadd --- I never ever could do that :/ I do not function that way, I would love to mebbe, to gradually progress in something, but... I am up and down and forward and backward and into parallel universe 4576973654 then back to 23, back to my dreams, back to my meditations, back to just imagining..and so on. Sometimes all directions meet together, that is awesome, it all makes sense, it is all in order...but the rest of the time it seems like chaos, although chaos has its benefits, it is not always so easy to navigate on that horse - hmm, what am I saying, what am I pondering? Oh, yes, automatic writing/drawing/creating.. just let it happen, that seems to be the direction I could advance, if ever, since most of the time I am just content having imaginations play out themselves, and letting it be. You could call me a dreamer, I guess. It is not bothering me, i view that as something positive actually, but sometimes the dreams are so vivid, so seductive etc, you'd wish you could share that a little, make it visible for others too, share a dream or two, just for fun, not as a profession, not working your butt off to produce something, not as a have to, but can be, just like that, here it is, take it or leave it, written in the wind, I do not care... what a pretentious dream, I know.. I know.. how could you be totally uneducated, and not developing a technique, and express something originally, something impressing, mebbe even something unique.. how to want while not to want, ahaha, that is where the beef is - unspoiled by ambition, but still being good. Can one learn that actually, or is that just given, some got it - others not, that seems so limited, I don't like that --- mebbe if I dream myself long enough into it happening, it just happens one day. That is so contrary to what people would like to tell you, from the more common view about how to achieve a body of work, that you actually have to do something --- but i despise that, I am so crazy, I want effortless unfolding by itself, without my doing something actively, it should do me.. ok, well, so mebbe its more about being a/the medium.. but then, even concerning that automatic creation mode, or you might call it a technique, I don't like the idea to train in that, how could you train that, I have no clue, even the idea about training kills all my interest, hmm, so..it must be (come by) by possession then perhaps instead ^^ create through possession, write a spell and forget, and do nothing, not even wait.. crazy isn't it?!

afterthoughts: better not to have any XD

My dear deer diary,
I know you are hungry ..for some writing. Why do you have to be such a demanding, nagging, passive aggressive (if left blank) thingy. I created a monster, sorry to put it that way, but it's true - all my writing offspring becomes monstrous eventually, haunting. Maybe I should call in a diary exorcist, bwahahaha
ok, ok, here ..eat this, & see you...

I
diary becomes weekly becomes monthly becomes quarterly becomes annual becomes every decade or so becomes forgotten ...dies

II
Where are the deer in this diary?! *In my mind, silly!* But I want to read about deer!!! *Go visit a library, or google something - this is personal, MY DEAR DEER DIARY!!!* Why do you call it deer diary then?! *I can name it whatever/however I want to, can't I?!* I guess, but it doesn't make sense... *You wouldn't understand the insides of my minds spaces anyhow, so do not try to chase after the otherkinish deer apparitions flocking through my mind, read & use your own mind instead*

III
Somewhere else I wrote a note to myself: I live in a dream
That sentence is so attractive to me
Eventually it could be extended to: I am aware, that I live in a dream, and I am actively dreaming, aware of dreaming
This life is like a dream
So is being born like falling asleep, and dying like finally waking up, (and inbetween it's like chasing after rainbows - if not being aware of the dreaming at all)?
Some see it that way
I don't know if it is really like that, but what matters to me is to have genuine first hand recognition of oneself actually dreaming, instead of being a slave of the dream
The reason is very obvious, if you consider the example of lucid dreaming, the difference it does make
Even if everything is like in a dream, if one is being aware -lucid-, then the whole experience has the possibility/potential of taking many, many other angles/directions, as illusory as it might be
Being a happy dreamer, also not afraid of losing a dream, living the dream
Life is but a dream, isn't that a famous saying, but who does take that literally
It should be taken literally, and then you will come to know what it actually really really means

Dream, dreaming, dreaming dream, dreaming awakening dreaming dream, dreaming everything dream (and so on and on and on)
Oh, what a dream

My dear deer diary,
I am still dreaming my dream, dwelling amidst the multitude of appearances of the endless forest of existence, I am sending you my best wishes & some example imaginations of potential experiences from within... IT