A Vodun and Vasska Mini-Diary
Vodun ♥ Speaks in
#999999
Vasska ♥ Speaks in
#993333
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Inertia.
When the energy it takes to move forward becomes too much, and you're left wondering when you stopped.
Three steps... but this world is so heavy, friction dragging at my hooves.
My head is sick with poppies.
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Pins and needles are skin deep.
Poppy petals caught by the waterfall drift by too quickly. Ghost scents disappearing down the river.
A single one catches on the riverbank. Vibrant red.
The world has never smelled so sweet.
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If there was ever a reason, before the red, I can't recall. Water thoughts slip away.
The burn rots and peels.
Cold ash and everything falls out through the holes.
Ashes to ashes so hollow, the grass won't even want it.
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Snap snap, they went. Crack like the twigs underfoot when the forest was cold and dead. When the ground was littered with the fallen limbs of trees, sliced down by the harsh winter.
But it isn't winter anymore, so why do they fall? Severed like an itch.
Did his fall? Do mother's? So large, hers have been growing since the dawn of time, I bet. Are they gone for good, then, these dead limbs of mine? These fallen branches?
I'll hide my candles for a while. Perhaps someday, I'll wear them again.
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I'm not sure when it happened. Whether it was the red blister that finally burned a hole across my dark sky or the sun that filled that hole, I can't say. But I know that when I wake up in the morning... When I cross the thick grass to feel the cool water cascading down my throat... When I sit beneath the gentle willows with the pond lapping at my ankles...
When I hear them laugh, or watch a fawn race past with flower petals falling from his minuscule tines...
For just that moment, I am... happy.
And these moments are so often woven together, strewn in clouds like leaves caught in the breeze, that the days are sometimes quilts of this odd sensation. I am living in a dream.
I am happy.
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Difficulty... putting thoughts together. My mind swings one way, then another. I feel loss for something I haven't lost yet. Pain for things I don't care about.
And how easily such things are thrown away. Lost. Abandoned.
Am I one of these things? Lost to the wind today? Tomorrow? Eyes cast down at unforgiving hooves, begging admission into a life I no longer have access to?
I won't speculate.
Press against the blister that burns my soul to cinders.
I won't think of the future.
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A game of tag. Game. Games. Several games. Muscles were already sore by the time she appeared. Dark and quiet, suddenly so close I felt the chill before I saw her face. Her face... dark eyes... So dark, like pools of water that drown the very light itself. Deep water.
They terrify me, those eyes.
Not a game.
I tried to tell mother. I tried and tried. The dark pools left us, but mother took us back to them. She was trying to drown me. Drown me in the cold darkness. All of the games and laughter and fun and warm embraces were for nothing.
I ran.
But she followed. Came back to take me back again? To drown me? The air was filled with laughter and cries. My laughter? My cries? I don't know... Don't understand...
Don't need to understand. Fatigue and sadness. I hate the sadness. Hate it more than anything. ...Anything but the deep water. It's like water itself, isn't it? Drowns you inside yourself.
I will not go back to her. To the twin pools. To the drowning.
Mother seems to understand... until others try to take her away. Blurred faces. Smiling faces. I smile back beneath sharp antlers. Draw her eyes from me. It was a game. A game that set my hair on end. I could not lose her again. I almost lost her to the dark pools, to the water, and I would not again.
This forest will burn before I lose her. Burn water to vapor, until nothing but the fire remains.
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I should be cautious. Careful. Observant and detached. One toe at a time, and even then the danger is present. A lost hoof is a death sentence.
But the flowers are blood red and beautiful, and the air is so delightfully crisp. It snaps at me like a crimson whip. He is wounded, I can see and smell it on him, but my muscles itch and I cannot lay still.
Come with me to the bleeding flowers and open forest.
Heal another day.
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I love it I love it! I love this game, I love it! It was the same game as last time, but somehow different. As soon as I got your signal, I knew it would be amazing. I did everything you showed me... did I do it right? Snort paw lunge dodge... I feel like someone dropped a tree on me, but I know I did it right.
Oh, and don't worry about mother. I don't understand her sometimes. Someday, I'll catch you when she isn't around. It'll be so much more fun.
♥
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I should stop expecting peace. What happened to my cool, dark forest? Although, it wasn't so horrible today. I have learned to recognize some faces. The laughing fool that I wish to leave behind us. He rubs my fur the wrong way. The gray devil who kicks up furious whirlwinds. He was calm today. Stayed away. The phoenix deer. She sits with us now, but how long will she remain? I have learned to disregard her. There is no use repairing a bridge that the river is bent on washing away. The little white one. I... am not sure. He comes and goes, and comes again. I will think on it. Enjoy him while he lasts.
Gustiro, my blistering stag. His pelt is worn ragged. It irritates me. I have invested something in him that I don't care to lose. At this time, I can only be his shield. Illrose also serves this purpose. I respect her for it, and trust her deeply with his care.
Other faces are new. Foreign. An orange fellow. Mellow. A little one who warms my side. He has been with us a while. Interesting. ...I cannot ignore you when you trot between my legs, child. Keep like you are.
And then there is the dragon. He reeks of danger, but Gustiro lets him lay.
I will not disturb the peace.
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The water is cold and biting. It reminds me of the chill and the loneliness. Welcome, old friends. Your harsh cut soothes me. Keeps my mind from wandering. I don't like where it goes.
It goes to faces.
Increasingly, faces. The flame, Vasska. The one he says "holds up the sky," Ravus. The false face, Geisha. The innocent, Caen. The steel giver, Evania. The one who hurts and is hurt, Sianna. The cool depths, Ysrael. The blister... Gustiro.
Just a face. Simple, and yet so complex. It pulls at a part of me. The part that loves and hates. The part that feels better than, and worse than, the flickering visages of my "friends." The part that puts myself above all others, while at the same time feeling insecure and worthless.
Because I am.
This is the part that loves him. The part that hates. The part that separates. That suffocates the excitement I feel when he is near. The part that distances my mind while our sides are pressed together. The part that hates him for his inadequacies. That heaps them up against him, piling them so high as I stands atop, looking down. I stand at the peak of his inadequacies.
Yes, this is how I deal with this thing. This love. You are unworthy.
That way, when you realize you don't need me anymore, I'll walk away. I won't feel a thing.
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The day started off so boring... Who would've expected it to turn out so amazing?! I found Vodun asleep under a willow by the pond. Soft and peaceful. He makes me drowsy. I rested by his side... how long? Until he moved. Moved and ran off, so I followed. He was following something specific. A scent. A sight.
A buck.
Ahha~ So you know the red buck too, Vo? He's usually a fantastic playmate, although he seemed little down today. Not very fun. ...But atop the hill, a blue speck. I wasn't supposed to approach. He told me not to. Told me, and I promised.
Promised with my hooves crossed~
My hiding places were lacking, or perhaps your senses are just sharper than expected? You noticed me immediately. I thought you wouldn't want to play, but you pranced and reared like a fawn, and I knew I'd been forgiven. Look, not a mark on you! Shall we make some? It's fun when you do it right, I promise~ I won't go so far this time.
But I blink and you're gone. Gone, gone... and a new playmate arrives. One after the other. The red stag Geography. The gray whirlwind Tieff. They all want to play and my body can hardly keep up but I'm so excited! Quivering and rearing and sidewinding and jabbing with hoof and antler and it always, always ends too soon.
Tieff leaves. Geography and Mattie start up their own game.
I can't dance very long, little fawn. In fact, I can barely stand.
My body aches with cuts and bruises, but I'm so satisfied. Mattie, are you satisfied, too? Your pelt is far more torn than mine. Was it that good of a game?
Mother is strong and still beside me.
Good, because it hurts when we move.
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I keep thinking back... back to the darkness, and the split. Back to the new life that Vasska was given, and the cold skin that reached up to enfold me once again. I don't think I'm jealous, although when I see him skipping around after his mother, I can't say that this feeling is entirely joyous, either.
But then... the young buck that replaced the flame that consumed me... He has no memory. His love for me is ghostly and unformed. He doesn't know why he loves me, he simply does. I'll never speak of his life before the split. In a way, this absolves him of guilt.
And fills me with it.
Today, I was a pawn, moving forward across a black board, played by forces outside my control. I'll follow this path as long as I'm able. I cannot bring myself to deviate.
Although... this puts me at a disadvantage. I see the other pawns deviating. Attacking. Slashing at each other with a move that eludes me.
The diagonal shift.
Someday, I must learn to leave my linear path. Leave this stagnant square behind...
Vasska, the sidewinder. I think without realizing it, you have become a knight.
I refuse to be jealous.
Oh my god. You are amazing.
You are amazing. o_o That ending...
Ravusss ;u; I can always
Oh? A new one? ::Track::
Beautifully written as usual!
Track. ♥
adorable art by Tuoho! ♥
Gustiro; I used to make one
JD; Thanks so much, darling! ;u;
*sneaks*
*chews on* >u> ♥
Man I love your writing and
why has vasska and tikwid not
*is chewed?* >> > *tosses a
You spoil me, Unplugged XD
Tikwid; I KNOW. They'd have a ball together! I can't wait to run into him 8D
Pega; *pounces on it* 8DDD ♥ -squeak squeak squeak-
"Look, not a mark on you!
That is so creepy.
I love your writing. Late track! ♥
Fincayra; *didn't see thisss*
Thank you so much! I feel horrible for Eli XD He's earned himself a disturbing little friend, haha~
Don't feel horrible. Haha.
And again: Ahhhhh, he is such a creepy little guy. Eli is as disturbed as he can get, which is why he goes so far as to actually attack Vasska when he has the strength for it. Oh, and I love your writing, as always~
I believe that I will track
Fincayra; Vasska pretty much
And thank you!~ ♥
Scythe; Thank you so much~! X3
Found it! :3 *basks in your
*basks in your beautiful writing*
Eee, thank yooou! X3
fsjkghkhsdgdg ♥ I was
I was trying to pick a favorite line from that, but the whole thing is my favorite. :3
TuT You spoil me ♥
Kaoori felt horrible about
Vasska was definitely worried
But he was very excited to find two new playmates (Noelle and Esll)~ XD;;