Repost from responding to Quad's blog on complaints and venting

When you are sorrowful look again in your heart, and you shall see that in truth you are weeping for that which has been your delight. ~Kahlil Gibran


I am old. I have failed many times. I have watched friends die quickly before their time, and others who died by pieces. I have seen the living dead, who are only a body but who they were is gone and what is left is so dark and strange. I have had money and been unhappy, and I have had to rob Peter to pay Paul, and been happy and visa versa. I have lost a child by physical death, and lost a piece of me with her. I have lost a child who is off in the "far country" and will not speak to me for unknown reasons, and part of me is slowly dying, and watching for him to enter my front door. I have been betrayed by the love of my life, and would rather die than go through that again. That time I lost part of me, and even my sanity for a while. I have lost a job, and suffered humiliation, and loss of reputation because I could not be who I was and had to become what I am now.

Each time it is ashes, a type of death, chaos, and darkness. I struggle through, and I pray that today is the day I cease to exist in this life. And then a friend stops by, a stranger helps me on my way when I am wandering in this world, an unexpected gift arrives. a family member realizes what is going on with out me having to tell them, and I draw, sing, write, play games, and visit the endless forest. Sometimes there is no answer, no way to alleviate the pain you feel or are watching some one you love go through. Sometimes there is so many answers that you can not even hear them because of the roar they make. On a good day I live life to the fullest and enjoy the pleasure and joy that it brings, and on a bad day I accept and look to see if there is anything I can do to fix it, and if not I have learned to learn from it and just let it go. You cannot stop someone from dying. All you can do is tell them you love them, and hold their hand through it . Some one rages at you, you can choose not to rage back. If you are raging you can choose to direct it in to drawing, walking, singing etc. I wake up every morning, and I hope that more grace finds me than chaos. I hope to have the strength to stand the day's trials. At the end of the day I hope there is enough peace left in me to keep the storms at bay. If you are lucky enough to have someone to help you bear the burdens, hold them tight, and whisper everything loving and positive you can in their ear. Life is a roller coaster of emotion, and having someone makes it a little easier to bear than bearing it all alone.
May the road rise to meet you all, May the wind always be at your back, May the sun shine warm upon your faces and may you always give more joy than pain in all your loves and relationships.